tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55174802476695552862023-11-16T10:02:41.372-06:00The Truth of the WorldThe world is full of hidden truths. Ladies and Gentlemen, you've just stumbled onto the Lost and Found Box for all the world's secrets.
(Please present ID and be able to describe the truth you lost to claim it)Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.comBlogger209125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-31884857971152703532013-06-28T10:55:00.001-05:002013-06-28T10:56:04.320-05:00New Tricks: Now in paperback!Paperbacks now available on the CreateSpace store, and should be up on Amazon within a week! My comedic fantasy novel <a href="https://www.createspace.com/4313870" target="_blank">New Tricks</a> is now available in paper-and-ink, hold-it-in-your-hands goodness! This book has it all! Danger! Adventure! Laughs! Thrills! Pirates! Henchman Unions! Dungeon Janitors! Three hundred thirty pages of fun! Plus an original drinking song, sheet music included! How can you say no to that?<br />
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If money is tight, and you can't get a copy (or maybe it's just not your thing), I understand. If you can please share the link, that's just as appreciated. I have a baby named Penelope coming, and I hear those are expensive.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-24636888457764742412013-06-26T10:17:00.001-05:002013-06-26T10:17:19.052-05:00New Tricks: A Shameless Shill Post<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnkY0U5Ea-CMmSN0KHbgIpAE5lfEuPaJzft3u9dpli2MaIXt2I4LokfMyrQuAZPqaLw4vjgliY5Fm8eCm28_js8VpnL_pWpHi5BKT76oFh-q5oyB83UwyZfVkHvuUyOyxpy978zXbnM_d/s1600/BookCoverImage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnkY0U5Ea-CMmSN0KHbgIpAE5lfEuPaJzft3u9dpli2MaIXt2I4LokfMyrQuAZPqaLw4vjgliY5Fm8eCm28_js8VpnL_pWpHi5BKT76oFh-q5oyB83UwyZfVkHvuUyOyxpy978zXbnM_d/s320/BookCoverImage.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
My first novel, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/New-Tricks-ebook/dp/B00DMAE1PU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372250660&sr=1-1&keywords=new+tricks+sean+cox">New Tricks</a>, is available on the Kindle Store (and will be available in print once I can get the proof approved).<br /><br /><i>The Twelve Realms are a land of magic, danger, and prophecy, where Chosen Ones rise to save the world in its darkest hours. But will anyone even notice when the inconsequential village of Barrowsend stands on the brink of destruction?<br /><br />Everyone, even the legendary hero Olivander, knows that William, a humble boy of fifteen, has been Chosen to save the town.<br /><br />There's just one slight problem.<br /><br />William might not be the Chosen One...<br /><br />A novel for anyone who has ever been picked last</i>.<br />
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This book has it all! Comedy! Fantasy! Action! Adventure! Pirates! Monsters! Treasure! Henchmen Unions! Dungeon janitors! And at just three bucks, you're looking at a penny a page! What a deal! Plus, Kindle owners (with Amazon Prime) can borrow the book and read it for free! Free laughs! Free thrills! What a better deal!</div>
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Plus, my wife says I shouldn't feel bad shamelessly plugging it. I got laid off last week, she's almost eight months pregnant, and diapers don't come cheap. So please, help an unemployed writer take care of his baby. If you can't get a copy or just don't want to, I understand. Things are tight all around, and comedy fantasy isn't for everyone. If you should share the link, however, I'd take that just as kindly. Again, I apologize for being shameless and self-promotey like this, but it's a rough boat I'm in now, and the baby comes before pride.</div>
Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-63964241347601816812012-10-02T13:02:00.000-05:002012-10-02T13:02:46.521-05:0010 Unknown Facts About Rutger HauerLadies and Gentlemen, I apologize once again for my absence. I would say that this is becoming a habit, but there is too much time inbetween me apologizing for my absence for it to be considered a habit. I've changed jobs (I now manage a flea market, but feel lied to as I've yet to see a single flea). I've been looking for new lodgings. I wrote two novels since last you saw me and published nothing. I started a <a href="http://20stampproject.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">new blog/project</a> that has me writing and sharing twenty short stories a month. I started a twitter account for the sole reason of following <a href="https://twitter.com/SarcasticRover" target="_blank">@SarcasticRover</a>, because he is unafraid to share the truth about Mars. I also discovered <a href="https://minecraft.net/" target="_blank">MineCraft</a>, but that's a whole other time sink, and an article for another day. Still, I realized that I should share some new truths I've recently uncovered, and today being Tuesday, the timing was perfect.<br />
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Today, for your Ten Facts Tuesday, I'll share some juicy tidbits I uncovered about the famed actor <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rutger_Hauer" target="_blank">Rutger Hauer</a>. Why him? Because I watched <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083658/" target="_blank"><i>Blade Runner</i></a> the other day, and Roy Batty is awesome. That's why. Fun fact: he improvised that speech he gave in the rain at the end. Rutger Hauer, whom I first saw in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103893/" target="_blank"><i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i></a> (the movie, not the TV show), is a Dutch actor born in Breukelen, the Netherlands (and namesake for Brooklyn, New York) in 1944. He spent a year at sea swabbing decks. He got his big break in the show <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063897/" target="_blank"><i>Floris</i></a>, a medieval drama directed by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Verhoeven" target="_blank">Paul Verhoeven</a>, who in turn brought us cinematic masterpieces like <i>RoboCop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Starship Troopers, </i>and <i>Hollow Man</i>. As well as appearing in such great films as <i>Ladyhawke</i>, <i>Sin City, Batman Begins</i>, and <i>Hobo with a Shotgun</i>, he also is a dedicated environmentalist, the narrator for an audiobook, and the author of his own biography.<br />
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But here are a few facts you won't find on his Wikipedia page.<br />
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10 Unknown Facts about Rutger Hauer:<br />
<ol>
<li>He is such a method actor, he actually became a vampire for his role as Lothos in <i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i>. He has since recovered.</li>
<li>He once mailed himself from China to Brazil. He said while the travel accommodations weren't terrible (letters make a decent mattress), the worst part was keeping the stamps from falling off.</li>
<li>Speaking of Brail, he has a cameo in the Terry Gilliam movie of the same name as the fly that gums up the machines at the beginning and sets the whole plot in motion.</li>
<li>He once wrestled a bear. It was a cage mage, with standard tables-ladders-chairs, and a "stolen girlfriend" storyline. He lost the girl, but won the belt and then retired to maintain his undefeated status.</li>
<li>He has a favorite color, but it is not visible to the human eye. The color is called glumph, and it is the color of swallowing something too big only to have it get caught in your throat.</li>
<li>Rutger's agents told me you lack the security clearance to know unknown fact #6, but now you know there was a fact you didn't know existed that you aren't cleared to know, so that's something.</li>
<li>Rutger Hauer can tell the time using any sort of dial. Sundial, radio dial, a bar of Dial soap. Even something that's radial, because it has "dial" at the end.</li>
<li>He does on-site tech support for the Mars Curiosity rover.</li>
<li>He owns an exotic dinosaur collection, not to be confused with a collection of local "earthy" dinosaurs.</li>
<li>He has saved the earth seven times (from aliens, asteroids, robot uprisings, etc). His environmental efforts are his long term plans to save it an even tenth (he expects at least two more crises before he finishes the environmental save).</li>
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There you have it, ladies and gentleman. A man of action. Actor. Writer. Activist. Bear wrestler. Rutger Hauer.<br />
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You have been informed. Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-39436080688206006442010-10-13T07:19:00.000-05:002010-10-13T07:19:52.238-05:00iSpyLadies and Gentlemen,<div><br /></div><div>I apologize for my prolonged (re: 10 month) absence. One would be amazed how much time guiding the future of 130 youths of America can take. Last year, I had sixty-eight, and I struggled to churn out one post per long while. This year, I have twice that number, and it is equally challenging though more time consuming. I can at least rest assured in knowing that some small portion of our future leaders is heading out into the world with an eye on the truth and not that rubbish we're expected to believe. </div><div><br /></div><div>Still, something caught my attention that I felt needed addressing. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Chapman">Anna Chapman</a>. How did this slip by my radar? And no, I'm not simply referring to her hotness on par with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewel_Staite">Jewel Staite</a> (though we will discuss the pros and cons of a hot spy later in the program). </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, big deal. So she spied for the Russians. It's the Russians. Who cares about them anymore? The Cold War is over, and we're no longer enemies. Maybe neighbors who aren't so keen on the way the other mows his lawn at five in the morning EVERY SATURDAY. If she's passing on secrets, I can't imagine they're beyond the international equivalent of neighborhood gossip. Who didn't return whose rake? Or, I suppose on a more accurate scale, who isn't returning whose scientists. The fact that her discovery led to a highly publicized spy exchange simply proves the no-big-deal nature of the situation. What? You mean you're going to give back the tools we left at your place and we're going to return the stuff you left at ours? Sounds awfully <i>neighborly</i> of you. And the fact that the media heard about it at all says it's nothing to care about. International neighborhood gossip. It's the really big secrets that you never hear about. Which brings us to my point.</div><div><br /></div><div>She was a spy, alright, but it wasn't the political intrigue that should shiver the very marrow of our bones. No, it's something much more dark and sinister. I'm referring to the clear cut case of techno-corporate espionage that's going on here. Everyone talks about the encrypted files she transferred. No one focuses on the fact that she sent them from Starbucks. And while the press covers <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101011/ap_on_re_eu/eu_russia_anna_chapman">her new banking job</a>, people are overlooking the seriousness of the situation. She works in IT. As an advisor. On innovation. This very same woman whose fashion choices are discussed as regularly and as fervently as her... ahem... questionable career choices. I'm not implying that as an attractive, fashion-minded young woman, she is incapable of performing IT work. Quite the contrary. Do a google search on Jewel Staite's character Kaylee Frye from the show <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_(TV_series)">Firefly</a> to see what kicks her up and above the competition in the Women Mr. Truth Would Manipulate Circumstances to Ensure When He Gets Stranded on a Desert Isle, She/They Are Stranded with Him Contest.</div><div><br /></div><div>The connection between coffee, clothes, and computers is, in my opinion, far more sinister. I believe, based on the evidence presented before us, that Anna Chapman is a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hipster_(contemporary_subculture)">hipster</a>. Let's take a look, shall we?</div><div><ol><li>She did her work from a coffee shop, which hipsters love. True, it's Starbucks, which hipsters hate (at least publicly), but it would be irresponsible to ignore, especially considering Starbucks' Seattle origins, one of the world's Hipster Hotspots. Plus, free wi-fi, and we all know being a hipster is all about spending big bucks on presenting an image of being cool while not spending big bucks.</li><li>Her clothes. Yes, they're pretty. And maybe they're expensive, maybe they aren't. But they are nice without looking like they cost a fortune. They look more like lucky finds to me. "OMG! I totally just found the cutest red dress at a thrift store and was able to snag it for twenty rubles!" It's like pre-faded jeans. They look cool AND because they are artificially aged, they make it look like <i>you</i> thought they looked cool <i>way</i> before anyone else thought they looked cool. Being the first on the scene (before it's the scene, actually) is kinda what being a hipster is all about.</li><li>She met her husband at a rave. Granted, now that's not the thing for hipsters. They're into out of tune singers with an acoustic guitar and midi samplings from the final levels of <i>MegaMan</i>, but... hipsters, what can you do? Still, they met at a rave in 2001, before they became completely blasé. </li><li>She's a spy for Russia. Being a spy for Russia in America is so two decades ago. The feud is over. Which makes it pointless. Which makes it ironic. Which makes it hip. Hipsters love jobs that sound important but actually accomplish little to nothing (such as environmental advocate, speech writer for a third or even fourth party candidate, or undergrad in a liberal art). "Oh, you're doing your dissertation on the development of third world cultures when exposed to the latest album by The Unicorns? Well, I'm a spy for Russia." Score one for Comrade Hottypants.</li><li>She's into tech in a big way. Hipsters love tech. If your iPod isn't big enough to hold every band you've never heard of, you're just wasting their time. In fact, for all of their Corporate America hating, they love them some tech corporations (except Microsoft). Sorry, Microsoft. They love their big old Corporate Apple. Why? Because it's pretty, but not good for actually doing much of anything useful. Still, she's an IT girl, which means she's smarter than a mac. Probably runs Linux (because it isn't Windows but you can run programs on it that aren't designed for making music and movies you've never heard of look and sound prettier).</li><li>She lived in New York City at the time she was busted. New York City is considered the cultural center of the U.S. It's the place where trends start, where fashion and music have bizarre incestuous relationships producing a myriad of singers/fashion designers. With a history of counter culture (the whole bohemian village thing...), it's Hipster Heaven. Finding bands no one knows about to introduce to others is easy. Finding main stream things to ridicule is even easier.</li></ol><div>Let's put it all together, shall we? She's an IT girl who hangs out in coffee shops with Mac loving hipsters, passing herself off as one of them all while spying, and now she's in charge of technological innovation? Sure it's a bank you work for Anna. We know who your real employer is. We know that the Russian spy thing was really just your harmless facade. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>You work for the Japanese. Let us not forget that Japan, of course, is an Asian country, and oh yes, tech is big in Asia. Tech is huge. They can make robots for anything and design game systems like it's nobody's business. But how many Japanese products have that "Hipster Flair" the way an iPod does? And let us also not forget that Russia, though we never think of it as such, is situated in Asia. From Japan it's a hop, skip, and a jump to Russia. How difficult would it be for Japan to convince Russia to hire her on as a spy? After all, why pay for a spy yourself when you can have a spy on another country's dime. </div><div><br /></div><div>Here's the truth, for the first time, regarding the espionage of Anna Chapman. Japan approaches her about spying on them. It seems their tech, though powerful, isn't "cool." Anna, being the sexy woman with a sexy foreign accent, could probably unearth all kinds of secrets of cool if she lived in New York. With their tech and that New York style, Japan would be an unstoppable force. But Japan wants to play it safe. They know about the kind of <a href="http://www.oobject.com/category/all-time-worst-apple-products/">wrath Steve Jobs can inflict</a> when he gets angry. So they approach Russia, Anna's homeland and former rival to the US. They plant a bug in Russia's ear that Anna Chapman should be their answer to James Bond. Sexy and secretive. Perfect, right? With this cover, Japan feels the U.S. will not care if Anna gets busted. They'll slap her on the wrist, send her home, but all of her true work, the Cool Equation (an equation using her IT based math skills to calculate exactly how cool something is), will come with her. And because she's a spy for Russia (and not a very secretive one if her husband noticed her slipping off to meet with Russians all the time), she's hip and ironic and allowed to infiltrate with open arms her real target, not the U.S. but the In Crowd.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well played, Japan. You have her back home in Asia doing innovative tech work. Sure, it's for a "bank." A bank with the same initials as Russia's big spy program. Lets face it. That Russian bank is really a front for your shadowy colorful-mp3 cartel. Had to throw in a little irony there, didn't you? Keep her hipster vibe going? You win this time, Japan. But only because I'm fine with you taking Apple down a peg or two.</div><div><br /></div><div>You have been informed.</div><div><br /></div><div>P.S. I promised a pros and cons list of having sexy spies. </div><div><br /></div><div>Pros:</div><div><ul><li>Easier to get secrets out of people with large libidos. Or even medium libidos.</li><li>Easier to get away with cheesy puns and one-liners.</li><li>Nobody wants to tango with the fat, sweaty, balding spy at the Embassy Ball.</li><li>Makes your country look like you have standards. "We have so much talent to choose from, we only hire those who can do the job AND look good on the cover of a magazine."</li><li>Gives enemy spies self-esteem issues.</li><li>Better scenery during boring mission briefings and debriefings.</li><li>Gives the impression that all of your spies are sexy, letting the nerdy, schlubby spies slip by unnoticed.</li></ul><div>Cons:</div></div><div><ul><li>Increased risk of being frisked at airport security.</li><li>When caught, rest assured, their picture will be all over the internet.</li><li>Won't have much time to spy due to a full dance card at the Embassy Ball.</li><li>Makes other spies more likely to kill them in a jealous rage.</li><li>Will invariably shag every other attractive person around while on a mission, people who usually end up being spies and capturing them in their moments of vulnerability.</li><li>Insist on dressing in the sexiest of clothes regardless of the mission. "Sniper skiing in the Alps? I think I'll wear the bright red evening gown with stiletto heels."</li><li>Hard to slip by enemy security when they're undressing you with their X-Ray scanners <i>and</i> their eyes.</li></ul><div>Don't get me wrong. I think the sexy spy is, well, sexy. To an insane degree. But I just don't see it being that effective for you in the long run. Still, what a steamy, Hollywood run it would be.</div></div>Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-3300915514332930022010-01-12T07:42:00.004-06:002010-01-12T08:08:48.271-06:00Prayers Do Come TrueLadies and Gentlemen, I know I've been away for a long time. Work devours my time like a lion devours wildebeests, birthday boys devour cake, and Oprah devours small children.* However, lately, work has been giving me anxiety attacks and gastritis, which is kinda like baby ulcers that one day grow up to be real ulcers. So what do I do? I panic. I freak out. I talk to myself. And then, like Big Oprah, I turn to a higher power and ask for help. And do you know what He does? He helps me.<br /><br />Oh yes, on Sunday night, I was having awful anxiety. I was stressed beyond all reason, chanting to myself to keep myself doing lesson plans. And I begged the universe for something to happen to keep me from having to go in and take that abuse from 7:30 to 4:30. Do you know what the universe did? You do if you read ahead. If you didn't, however, I'll go ahead and tell you and let you in on what the other readers have already looked at.<br /><br />The universe, kind and loving, gave me debilitating, stress-induced stomach pains. I woke in so much glorious pain. I couldn't help but smile as I slumped my way to the phone. "Thank you, universe, for making it hurt so much!" And I called in. And no sooner did I call in then all that stress related pain started to fade away. A little. But the universe, kind and loving as it is, continued to keep my best interests at heart. That cold front last week that promised to close schools for snow but fell through? It came back and froze pipes all over the city, busting water mains, sending water gushing into the streets, water that would turn to ice in those freezing predawn temperatures. Schools closed early Monday and are still closed today.<br /><br />Thank you, All Mighty Power. You've given me a gift. You gave me awful stomach pains, that I would not have to deal with emotional pains. You took out an entire city's water supply and made the roads slick and dangerous so that I wouldn't have to go to work today. You gave me time off from work that I wouldn't need to spend a sick day on. AMP, I know you care about me because you're willing to put everyone else in danger with those icy roads and boil water notices all so I can avoid being disrespected by a handful of children for eight to nine hours. That's the nicest, sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.<br /><br />I could do something nice for you, AMP, but I've decided instead to pay it forward and do nice things for others. I was thinking this morning about how maligned air conditioners are sometimes. During the summers, the toil ceaselessly to keep a home at a cozy sixty-five degrees when it's thirty degrees or more hotter outside. But when those same people you keep cool overburden an electrical outlet and accidentally set the house on fire through negligent abuse of electricity, do they ever stop and say, "Hey, that poor, hard-working air conditioner is killing itself trying to keep us cool. I should turn it off before I leave this burning building so its last moments of mechanical life aren't spent killing itself trying to keep a five hundred degree inferno a cozy sixty-five degrees." No, it's all "family albums" this, and "get the pets and children" that. But not me. I'm paying it forward, AC. I'm going to shut you off when one of my many overburdened electrical sockets catches fire. Because I'm a nice guy like that.<br /><br />You have been informed.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-size:100%;">*</span>Seriously. With her weight fluctuations, when her weight is up, she's all about self control and self-improvement, but when she's down, she's always hanging around some kids who need help. Who's to say she isn't eating one or two of those poor starving children every time she builds a school in a third world nation? Next thing you know, she's Big Oprah again and it's all about loving yourself for who you are and changing yourself into who you want to be.</span>Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-14455012585550253672009-09-27T07:36:00.003-05:002009-09-27T07:56:54.890-05:00Alabama Wants Your Vote(rs)Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I went to Atlanta for Dragon*Con for our honeymoon recently and had a lot of fun. But all was not fun and games and alcohol and steam punk and scantily clad women in Princess Leia costumes. You see, my wife and I live in Mississippi, which means if we want to make any kind of decent time, we had to drive through Alabama to reach Georgia. Now, here's a fun fact about Alabama. Statistically speaking, person-for-person they are some of the most insane drivers in the states.* I was cut off countless times, flipped off, yelled at, and otherwise harassed for having the gall to only do 85 in a 65. Often times by people in large vehicles who seem to have forgotten the tail of their vehicle comes so painfully close to the front of my car when they do so. At one point, I even had a car tailgate me so close I couldn't see their headlights. Again, all while doing almost 90 miles per hour. "Alabamans are <span style="font-style: italic;">insane.</span>" I thought.<br /><br />Soon however, I realized that this aggression was more than simple road rage. You see, while driving, my wife and I got stuck in traffic jams FIVE times in as many hours for no good reason. Traffic would inexplicably come to a crawl between two small towns twenty miles apart. There were no roadblocks. There were no accidents. Not once did I ever see anything that even remotely resembled a reasonable (or unreasonable for that matter) explanation for why people violently trying to pass me at speeds in excess of 100 mph would suddenly decide to do ten miles per hour for the next five miles. People. Just. Stopped. Moving. The trip back was no exception. Many times for no good reason, traffic stopped in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't until then that it all began to make sense. It's all about political power.<br /><br />Electoral votes are determined are determined every year with the census. With this year being 2009, the census is surely underway. Not satisfied with their respectable 9 electoral votes, Alabama has realized that in order to claim a population large enough to warrant an increase in electoral votes, the state has to have new residents who have spent a certain amount of time living within its borders. As such, Alabama has fiendishly trained its drivers to slow down dramatically on its highways so that people from out of state will be stranded in Alabama for weeks, even months at a time. Thus, when the census takers arrive, the State suddenly has a much larger population, and thus, more electoral votes. No wonder people were driving like madmen, I realized. Who knows how long they've been trying to escape the Great State of Alabama?<br /><br />Perhaps this explains why Mississippi's evil twin state has an inverted number of votes. Alabama and Mississippi are practically mirror images of each other. Mississippi has 6 votes, Alabama 9. Again, same shape, just flipped over. If they get that tenth vote, Mississippi will be reduced to only 01 electoral votes. Oh yes, Alabama is Mississippi's evil twin alright. We know this because the evil twin in movies is always more powerful, hence more votes. Plus, they're stealing the voters we do have away. On top of that, I'm 95% certain Alabama has a goatee, proof once more that they are the evil one.<br /><br />Ladies and Gentlemen. Friends. As you drive across this wide nation of ours, please heed my warning before Alabama poaches your voice. Drive around. It will be quicker, and in the end, better for the country.<br /><br />You have been informed.<br />*<span style="font-size:78%;">All statistics based solely on personal observation.</span>Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-45968526058152461992009-08-31T20:16:00.003-05:002009-08-31T20:33:22.738-05:00Germans Re-Animate the Dead!Ladies and Gentlemen, I realize I've been gone a long time. Teaching sixth graders is the most stressful thing I've ever done. I have panic attacks in the morning at the thought of going in to work sometimes. But that's neither here nor there. I've returned from a prolonged, work-induced absence to share some completely unstartling news. The Germans have been <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/31/michael.jackson.hoax/index.html">raising the dead</a>. In this case, it's Michael Jackson. The article states that the video was an "experiment." Yeah, we all know <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankenstein">what kind of experiments you Germans</a> do when it comes to the dead. The whole thing was allegedly about "how easily rumors spread on the internet." I think the rumor they're going for is that he never really died, that the death was all a hoax (which would make the video not a hoax, as opposed to the video being a hoax and his death real). But neither of those are the REAL hoax. The REAL hoax is that the Germans raised him from the dead, but in order to prevent an ordeal like they had last time (see previous link) with all of the killing and hubris of man, only PRETENDED that he never died by smuggling the re-animated Jackson into L.A. and forcing their creation to slip "discretely" out of a coroner's van. The hoax is that we're meant to believe that he never died, as opposed to the truth. He's back, thanks once again to German science run amok.<br /><br />Oh Germany, will you never cease trying to overstep man's place in the cosmos via mastery over life and death?<br /><br />I doubt it.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-82556281280916138662009-07-31T09:46:00.002-05:002009-07-31T10:47:25.397-05:00The Zombies Can DanceLadies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when <a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2009/01/theyre-coming.html">we were warned</a> that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.<br /><br /><script src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/js/2.0/video/evp/module.js?loc=dom&vid=/video/offbeat/2009/07/31/vo.or.zombie.stripper.KGW" type="text/javascript"></script><noscript>Embedded video from <a href="http://www.cnn.com/video">CNN Video</a></noscript><br /><br />That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/">like this one</a>) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.<br /><br />I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?<br /><br />There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.<br /><br />Of course, dancing implies one more thing. <a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/12/update-to-maslows-heirarchy-of-needs.html">A drive toward self-actualization</a>. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.<br /><br />So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.<br /><ul><li>They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.</li><li>They will strike fear into the hearts of all.</li><li>They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.</li><li>They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.<br /></li><li>They will be loud and annoying.</li><li>They will be coordinated.</li><li>They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.</li><li>They will strike with coordinated military precision.</li><li>They will be self-aware.</li></ul>I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-83156607162972969692009-07-28T07:16:00.003-05:002009-07-28T08:36:23.066-05:00Molemen Housing Market And 10 Things You Should KnowLadies and Gentlemen, the wedding ceremony is over, the move is for the most part complete and I can settle back into a routine. You know... before the school year starts next week. It'll be a very short routine, I guess. Still, I had to share this important bit of news from Canada. I was checking CNN's website and I saw this video.<br /><br /><script src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/js/2.0/video/evp/module.js?loc=dom&vid=/video/world/2009/07/27/vos.canada.toronto.sinkhole.ctv" type="text/javascript"></script><noscript>Embedded video from <a href="http://www.cnn.com/video">CNN Video</a></noscript><br /><br />There was no audio, so I knew they were trying to hide something from me. All I saw were large, house-sized holes in the middle of a Toronto high way. Officials are calling them "sinkholes," but really I believe they are signs that the mole men housing market--and thus economy--are on the rebound. Clearly, there's such a demand for housing in the subterranean world that contractors no longer have the manpower or resources to completely fill the need. So what do they do? They cut corners. They steal resources from us surface dwellers. A couple thousand square feet of prime Toronto asphalt should make a great foundation for a home, yes? A little excavation and it's all theirs.<br /><br />But never fear. They aren't stealing entire houses, which means you should have no fear of them stealing your home. They aren't really into Tudor styles or California stuccos anyway. All they want is the foundation. No harm, no foul.<br /><br />You may be wondering how I can possibly say "no harm" when there are gaping holes in Canadian highways. Simple. This sort of behavior is good for us in several ways.<br /><ul><li>It creates construction work jobs.</li><li>It means the mole people are leading more domestic lifestyles right now. More babies and college funds and less doom and gloom.</li><li>A vibrant mole people economy prevents inflation in ours. After all, when they do well, they invest in technologies that let them hold cities for ransom, which in turn takes money out of an economy flooded with stimulus and bailouts. We get the perks of extra money jolted into the economy without the drawbacks of it staying there.</li><li>With the mole people housing market on the rise, now is a fantastic time to improve your portfolio by investing in subterranean real estate.<br /></li></ul>That being said, I thought I'd share a list of ten facts to keep in mind during this Mole Man Housing Boom.<br /><br /> 10 Unknown Facts about the Mole Man Housing Market<br /><ol><li>When things are bad, the market isn't bottoming out, it's hitting surface. In Mole People economies, up/top is bad, down/bottom is good.</li><li>Don't invest in lumber. Wood rots underground. They like to build with stone and clay.</li><li>Mole people live communally. Don't even think your plan for studio apartments will work.</li><li>Contrary to popular belief, mole people don't like earthtones. They get them enough as it is. Think blues, pinks, and purples.</li><li>Don't bother with walk-in closets. They all wear the same uniform. They don't need a lot of space for their wardrobes.</li><li>If someone tries to sell you Carlsbad Caverns, don't buy it. It's just like someone up here trying to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.<br /></li><li>If someone tries to sell you Mammoth Caverns, don't buy it. Bad neighborhood. You'll only lose money on your investment.</li><li>The standard for their currency is Atari game cartridges. There was a brief period of massive inflation in 1988 when molemen miners and prospectors in Texas discovered a <a href="http://www.snopes.com/business/market/atari.asp">huge cache of <span style="font-style: italic;">E.T. </span>and <span style="font-style: italic;">Pacman</span> cartridges</a>.</li><li>It's dark down there, but don't being a flashlight to read those mortgage papers. They'll take the bright light as an assault, which leads to showtrials in kangaroo courts and public executions. Instead, ask to take the papers home to look over for a night. It's much safer.</li><li>If you meet the Mole Princess, she will invariably fall in love with you and betray her tyrant father. If you cannot avoid meeting her, make sure your deals are closed first. All out war between surface dwellers and mole people tends to gum up the works of business transactions (though if you win, you might just get that property for free).</li></ol>Hopefully with this knowledge, some of you will be able to pull yourselves out of this economic crisis we're in and make a bright shiney future for yourself. I've given you the tools to be the next subterranean real estate tycoon. What you do with it is your choice.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-41985227664029150722009-07-09T10:56:00.002-05:002009-07-09T10:58:36.512-05:00Robots Don't Know It's Not BaconLadies and Gentlemen, a robot designed to identify meats and cheeses and wines <a href="http://www.wired.com/table_of_malcontents/2006/11/robot_identifie/">have identified human flesh as bacon</a>. I don't believe I need to explain how serious it is that our long-foretold enemies have declared our flesh to be tastiest of the breakfast meats...<br /><br />You have been informed/warned.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-1092114205707187382009-07-02T09:38:00.004-05:002009-08-31T20:34:16.480-05:00See what happens when you step away for a week or two?Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my extended absence, but the wedding is finally over. I finally have a little time to post. Before I move. Next week. Sigh...<br /><br />But oh dear heavens what has happened in my absence? I step away from researching for a couple of weeks and suddenly it's nothing but news news news. I haven't had time to research, but I can posit a few theories behind each event.<br /><br />The most common news element? Celebrity deaths.<br /><br />Since my last post, we've lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.<br />My guess: VH1 is filming the next season of the Surreal Life in the afterlife.<br /><br />There was a military coup in Honduras. Former president forbidden to return. Former president vows to return some time around Saturday.<br />My guess: President forgot to help with the dishes. The Military felt unappreciated, because the President didn't even say thank you after the Military did all of the dishes. They argue. The President brought up something that the Military did early in their relationship when they were having a break that he swore long ago he'd forgiven her for and he'd never bring up again. The Military started crying, called him an insensitive jerk, slapped him, and told him to leave the apartment and never come back. The President has been sleeping on his buddy's couch, vowing to go back "after the Military has had a little time to cool off." The Military has been on the phone with its mother, and has filed a restraining order against the President.<br /><br />A place crashes, and only one woman survives.<br />My Guess: Really? We've all seen <span style="font-style: italic;">Unbreakable</span>. I think we all know what her story is.<br /><br />I hate to cut this short, but I have to go sign a lease now for an apartment about 150 miles away from here. Then the packing starts.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-22944097286545327782009-06-14T09:00:00.003-05:002009-06-14T09:44:16.759-05:0010 Unknown Facts about Bill NyeLadies and Gentlemen, I am terribly late. Again. It's a recurring theme around here as I draw closer and closer to the wedding. So much to do. And the guest list is so political. "I want to invite <span style="font-style: italic;">him</span>, but if I do, I have to invite <span style="font-style: italic;">her</span> as well, and I'm not such a big fan of her." You know how it goes. To make it even more difficult for me to get this list out, I chose Bill Nye. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Nye">Bill Nye</a>, the Science Guy, but he's pretty freakin' awesome. "Surely," I thought to myself, "<span style="font-style: italic;">This</span> is a man who deserves a Ten Unknown Facts list."<br /><br />"I agree wholeheartedly," I replied, "and don't call me Shirley."<br /><br />"Stop making cliche references to <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZPVw-Vl1ow">Airplane</a>!</span>" I chided.<br /><br />"I'm sorry. I suppose I'd better get back to that list."<br /><br />"Yes, I suppose I should."<br /><br />And then I began work on the list. And I uncovered ten facts. Then ten more. Then a dozen more. There were so many things this man could do I had a difficult time narrowing the list down to just ten. It was a monumental task, and I did what most Americans would do when faced with a monumental task. I avoided it. Then I decided to do something else. So instead of doing a list of ten amazing things the nigh omnipotent Bill Nye can do, I decided instead to list ten things he couldn't do, and that, my friends, produced a much shorter list. I therefore present to you...<br /><br />10 Things Bill Nye Can't Do:<br /><ol><li>Bill Nye can't understand prime numbers, but can understand composite numbers with only prime factors. For instance, when doing a show for VH1, for his benefit, they referred to the network as VH(9-8).</li><li>Bill Nye can't make grilled cheese sandwiches. He can make grilled sandwiches. He can make cheese sandwiches. But he can't make grilled cheese sandwiches.</li><li>Bill Nye is unable to hate anything. As such, his DVR is full of shows most of us wouldn't even consider watching.</li><li>Bill Nye can't talk to the dead, but he can exchange e-mails with them.</li><li>Bill Nye can't divulge the meaning of life, but he knows it just the same.</li><li>Bill Nye can't seem to beat level seven of the original NES Super Mario Brothers without losing a life.</li><li>Bill Nye can't die by conventional means. In other words, he is immune to the <a href="http://health.howstuffworks.com/15-most-common-causes-of-death-in-the-united-states.htm">top 15 causes of death</a>, but should cancer ever drop off that list, he can die from it.<br /></li><li>Bill Nye can't watch <span style="font-style: italic;">Office Space</span> without laughing.</li><li>Bill Nye can't negate <a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/09/10-unknown-facts-vegas-showdown-edition.html">Don King's lightning powers</a>.</li><li>Bill Nye can't believe it's not butter.</li></ol>I don't know about you, but I feel very relieved to know that there are some things even Bill Nye can't do. It gives us a little reassurance when we fail at things.<br /><br />You hvae been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-24097689905728991482009-06-03T09:01:00.000-05:002009-06-03T09:40:06.701-05:00Better PR for the RighteousLadies and Gentlemen, it seems the more important you are, the worse your PR agent is. Paris Hilton can't catch a cold without being all over the papers and CNN and everything else under the sun. Obscene coverage. She contributes nothing to society. Obama makes appearances on numerous TV shows and is constantly giving speeches. It doesn't get the airplay Paris gets, but he still gets a lot of press and gets booked a lot of appearances. He leads one nation. Leader of the U.N.? You probably don't even know his name. I didn't I just googled it. It's Ban Ki-moon. Shows up in the news maybe once a month, and never on any TV shows. At least he still has a presence on the web and in the papers.<br /><br />But what about the creator of our universe and His important friends? They never get mentioned in the news anymore. No interviews on the internet. The only bookings they seem to get are appearances on <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6511148/">grilled cheese sandwiches</a>, <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8071865.stm">jar lids</a>, <a href="http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/may/29/no-headline---jesus_cabinet_for_web/">cabinet doors</a>, and <a href="http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/usworld/news-article.aspx?storyid=28783">dental x-rays</a>. They never even get any speaking apperaances. Just a "smile for the masses" gig. It's sad, really. Once upon a time, you could book Jesus for a personal appearance with speeches and everything, even after he was dead. Now <span style="font-style: italic;">that's</span> what I call a good publicist.<br /><br />Perhaps it's simply a matter of time. Two thousand years ago, four thousand years ago, God was everywhere. He could be seen at dinners, at sacrifices, heard on mountains. These days, not so much. Perhaps when He lost His fire and brimstone during the New Testament days, He also lost His will to fire people who let Him down. How many times did He personally literally fire entire cities that displeased Him? I don't know. I haven't counted. But I'm sure it's more than two. How many times has He done so since? Probably less than two. Maybe He has simply lost the youthful determination to smite those who didn't get the job done His way, plauge at 4:30, hot latte, one sugar at exactly 4:45. Perhaps now he's the friendly boss who loves His employees too much to let them go just because they aren't very good at their jobs. He doesn't seem to even be giving many write-ups or councelling notices anymore.<br /><br />Or perhaps He's calmed with age, rather than lost the heart to make people have it His way. Many celebrities are all over the news and the tabloids when they're young. Paparazzi are always getting shots of them at the club and on the streets. They make public appearances for anything. They get any gigs they want. They throw tantrums at poor production assitants when the coffee isn't hot enough or their cars waxed enough. Then, once they really acclimate to the fame, they step out of the spotlight. They realize that the fame is there. They don't have to be in the tabloids every week or people will forget about them. They can step back and enjoy what they have without being showy about it.<br /><br />Perhaps it was the same with God. Once upon a time when the world was new, He was rolling in the success of His latest hit, Earth, and He felt the need to let everyone know that He made it. It was His project, and He was a big star. "I don't like the way these Philistines are acting up. Could someone please remove them from the set? thank you." Then He had a kid and realized that He needed to settle down. Stop flexing his stardom just because He could. He stepped out of the limelight. He didn't need the press anymore. He knew His fame was secured. He knew He would always have that loyal devoted group of fans, and He didn't need to take every gig offered to stay in the public eye.<br /><br />Even so. If You're listening up there, can I make a suggestion? I know you don't really need the press much anymore, and you really like your agent and you don't want to fire her, but can't you at least make her sit through a weekend <a href="http://www.prlog.org/10231170-pr-agency-owners-association-online-launches-professional-development-seminars.html">PR training seminar</a> or something? Surely she can get you better gigs than a <a href="http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=24217&in_page_id=2">dog's anus</a>. Have a little self-respect.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-58745917712317840262009-06-02T11:26:00.003-05:002009-06-02T11:44:59.577-05:0010 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin LongLadies and Gentlemen, today is the birthday of both <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0704270/">Zachary Quinto</a>, whom you may recognize as Sylar from the TV show <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0813715/">Heroes</a> and twenty-something Spock from the new <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/">Star Trek</a> movie (not to be confused with Young Spock- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2275042/">Jacob Kogan</a>, or Old Spock/Spock Prime-<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000559/">Leonard Nemoy</a>), and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0519043/">Justin Long</a>, who does great movies like <span style="font-style: italic;">Zack and Miri (Make a Porno)</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">Dodgeball</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">GalaxyQuest</span>, and <span style="font-style: italic;">Idiocracy</span> when he's not selling his soul to the devil by selling Macs. I really like both of these guys (even if one does try to sell me a smug sense of superiority for a pretty, but overpriced computer that won't play any decent games), and I couldn't decide which to share ten facts about this week. Then I figured since they both share the same birthday, let's share a list of ten facts they have in common.<br /><br /><br />10 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin Long<br /><ol><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can both drive a standard and automatic transmission as well as the Semi-Automatic transmission, which only sometimes requires you to manually shift gears. The trick is anticipating when the transmission has decided when it wants you to do it instead.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long have each eaten enough brownies in one sitting to kill a small elephant.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long crocheted chain mail shirts out of steel cable.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave escape plans from their homes drawn up in case of fire, burglars, and zombies.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave mystical self-refilling ink cartridges for their printers, the lucky schmucks.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can shoot flaming tulips from their hands at will.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Longboth know why the caged bird sings.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long live on 36 hour daily cycles, making scheduling around their twelve hour sleep sessions difficult.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can gain total daily nutritional requirements from chocolate cake.</li><li>Zachary Quinto and Justin Long were invited to attend Hogwarts when they were 11, but turned down the offer in hopes of making it big in Hollywood. How lucky for them they didn't turn down wizarding school for nothing.</li></ol>They really do have some amazing similarities, don't they? What are the odds? I guess we'll never know. Unless one of you has a doctorate in statistics and probability, in which case, what are the odds? I'm sure we'd really like to know.<br /><br />You have been informedMr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-45018197104793320702009-05-31T09:33:00.003-05:002009-05-31T09:55:23.201-05:00Obama: A Man We Can TrustLadies and Gentlemen, this just a brief injection of truth before I have to go run errands today, but I figure it needed to be shared. There are a lot of concerns these days what with the economy and North Korea wanting to play the Let's Swap Nukes game. But in this time of stress and turmoil, we can at least rest assured with one thing. We can trust Obama to do anything he says he'll do. Obama has made a number of <a href="http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/promises/">campaign promises</a>. Such promises include ending unwarranted wiretaps, fully funding the Veteran's Administration, and securing nuclear weapons materials in four years, none of which have had any progress made on them yet. Rest assured, however, that he will get to it because he's a man who keeps his promises.<br /><ul><li>Fact: During the election, he promised his kids a dog if he got elected. His children <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20271921,00.html">now have a dog</a>.</li><li>Fact: During the campaign, he promised his wife if he got elected, he would take her to a Broadway show. He took his wife to <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090531/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama">Joe Turner's Come and Gone</a>.</li></ul>The truth of the matter is, of all promises, these are the ones people least expect to be fulfilled. After all, how many husbands have said, "Yeah, honey. If I get this promotion, I'm buying you the fanciest dress and taking you to the nicest restaurant" only to blow it off and say, "this new promotion wears me out. I'm too tired to take you out dancing." How many dads have promised their kids dogs and never provided. You see, these are promises that we expect to be broken. Once in a lifetime promises like "I'll close Guantanemo" we expect to be said sincerely because it's so very memorable. We expect promises like that to be kept. The fact that Obama made good on two of the top ten most commonly broken promises* means we can certainly expect him to make good on everything else. Why else would the news have felt it important to share the keeping of these revolutionary promises if they didn't directly impact the nation?<br /><br />You have been informed.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">*10 Most Frequently Broken Promises (in no particular order):<br /></span><ol><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Taking out the trash<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Doing the dishes<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Getting the kids a dog<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Taking loved one out for a nice evening.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Quitting a bad habit<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Wedding vows</span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Anything someone says they'll do tomorrow</span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Not reading something you are told is private</span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Rub feet/Shoulders</span></li><li><span style="font-size:78%;">Lowering taxes</span><br /></li></ol>Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-42356588563256232772009-05-27T15:26:00.002-05:002009-05-27T16:18:04.641-05:0010 Unknown Facts About Ibn BattutaLadies and Gentlemen, I can see you scratching your heads right now wondering who in the world Ibn Battuta could possibly be. Born in 1304, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibn_Battuta">Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta</a> was an Islamic legal scholar specializing in Sunni law, but is most famous for getting around, and by that I mean travelling through Africa and parts of Asia, not making babies. He wrote tales of his travels, which were popular in his time and are considered mostly accurate historical sources on Africa prior to heavy European influence in the form of traders, slavers, and settlers. His stories were full of the fantastical, with hints of swashbuckling of sorts. After all, if you know your readers will probably never be able to travel to the great city of Timbuktu, you're free to say just about whatever you want about what you did there and who you met. Boy, did he claim to meet a <span style="font-style: italic;">lot</span> of rulers. And white women. But that's another story.<br /><br />And just for a bit of trivia before we kick this list off, in Arabic cultures as in European cultures, at least in the 1300s, it was common for a person's name to include a reference to one's direct lineage. Much the way Johnson meant "John's son," <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">ibn </span></span>meant "son of." Thus, when history refers to Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta, remember that historians are basically saying, "And then Battuta's kid when to Africa." Battuta must be so proud.<br /><br />10 Unknown Facts About Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta:<br /><ol><li>When Ibn Battuta dropped names--and he did... a lot--he always made sure to pick them up and dust them off before using them again.</li><li>It is rumored that Ibn Battuta was the inspiration for Henry Winkler's character Barry Zuckerkorn on <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrested_Development_%28TV_series%29">Arrested Development</a>, </span>which may explain why Ibn Battuta was known more for traveling than lawyering.</li><li>Ibn Battuta owned the first Model T Ford, almostl six hundred years before Henry Ford built his automobile factory. This Model T allowed Ibn Battuta to travel the 29 years and 75,000 miles of his journeys quickly and in style.</li><li>After countless ships he travelled with (but no ships that he travelled <span style="font-style: italic;">on</span>) sank during his travels, Ibn Battuta realized that he was the most bouyant thing in the universe.</li><li>Ibn Battuta met so many rulers that even those he really did meet doubted his tales that they'd met.</li><li>Ibn Battuta lived in New York before it was just regular York, and long before that uppity (newer) New York in the Americas stole its thunder. He says the coffee shops were better then, and it was easier to find a good apartment on the East side for cheap.<br /></li><li>Scholars say that for every three powerful families Ibn Battuta claimed to have married into, there were two more imaginary families he meant to say he'd married into but never got around to telling his stenographer.</li><li>When travelling across the Sahara, Ibn Battuta often grew frustrated at how tired he was of the camels having to stop for water every couple of weeks, once commenting, "Why can't they suck it up and wait for water until they arrive...like I do?"</li><li>Ibn Battuta fought the law, and the law lost.</li><li>Ibn Battuta claimed to have the memory of an elephant, which he said bored him to no end. "Really, how many memories of walking the the savannah eating grass must I have?" he once wrote. "I would rather have had a lion's memory or perhaps a monkey's."</li></ol>Amazing what one person could do in a life time so long ago. I have a hard enough time getting to work, and he travelled the world. Here's to you, Battuta's kid!<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-53377256950167696742009-05-21T08:51:00.003-05:002009-05-21T18:11:14.695-05:00Dastardly AccountabilityLadies and Gentlemen, there's been a big push in recent years for accountability and transparency. People want some accountability in our government after the past administration or two, some system in which leaders take responsibility for their actions, and the people want to be informed (transparency). We're tired of being left in the dark. Even in classrooms, there is a push for accountability and transparency. With the No Child Left Behind Act, teachers are being held accountable for the results of student achievement on statistically unrealistic levels. Likewise, parents want to know exactly what is happening in the classroom so they know how to word the lawsuit when Little Sally fails a spelling test. We expect accountability and transparency in those who govern us, but you know who has always given us both, through thick and thin, for time immemorial?<br /><br />Villains.<br /><br />How many James Bond movies find the bad guy telling her Majesty's favorite spy every single element of his plan. "First I'm going to shoot the moon with this laser I made from parts I purchased at Home Depot. You can find my schematics at www.ImEvilGetUsedToIt.com. Then when the moon is destroyed, tides will run wild, which in turn will bring me vast fortunes as I have invested in both elevated housing technology and the boat building industry. Then I'm going to get a submarine to go underwater to retrieve all of the gold from Fort Knox while my laser sharks hunt you down, Mr. Bond, and then... you will die!"<br /><br />We simply don't see that kind of honesty or openness in our leaders today. It's always "We have a plan. Things are in motion. I will not know about all of these things so I can deny knowing about them later. Any questions? Sorry, I have a thing. I don't have time to answer that one."<br /><br />Likewise, Villains are the first to claim credit for their actions. When they have a plot, they take over the airwaves and make sure every person in the world knows. They hack your iPod so you get their diabolical proclamation mid "Tara's Party Mix Playlist." They put it in papers. They use psychic suggestion to put that thought, that credit into your mind. And when they fail, they admit it, but like responsible individuals promise never to give up and vow to try again.<br /><br />Perhaps in the future, we should consider electing Doctor No to office. I mean, come on. He's a villain, so he's going to be upfront with you. He'll tell you what he's up to every step of the way so you can stop him if you deem it important, and he'll take full responsibility for his actions. Plus, he's a doctor, so clearly he's concerned with health care and education.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-6490140859033007022009-05-19T09:42:00.002-05:002009-05-19T10:35:06.475-05:0010 Unknown Facts About Dick ClarkLadies and Gentlemen, I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and when I think of music in general, I think of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Clark_%28entertainer%29">Dick Clark</a>, not because he really makes any music, at least not personally, but because he's been something of a spokesperson for it since American Bandstand and his New Year's Rockin' Eve Party. He was born as Richard Wagstaff Clark in 1929 (yes, he's coming up on his 80th birthday), but became famous as Dick Clark of American Bandstand fame, a program on which bands would play, teens would dance, and back at home, girls would swoon during any Elvis appearance. Despite the stroke, he's still managed to keep something of a baby face. This youthful appearance even earned him the nickname "America's Oldest Living Teenager." Clearly this youthful appearance is actually because he's from a mystic race that ages slowly. In fact, rumor has it that the change from Richard Clark to Dick Clark is just one in a long series of name changes that he adopts every century or so, to keep his true nigh-ageless nature a secret. I'm giving that tidbit to you for free and not including it as a fact because, honestly, that's just conjecture. No, Clark comes to mind for being so influential in music, though his influence goes far deeper than hosting music programs. At times, he inspires it. The list of 10 Unknown Facts today shows just how inspirational Dick Clark has been to music by discussing 10 songs in which he goes uncredited.<br /><br />10 Unknown Facts About Dick Clark:<br /><ol><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/who-put-the-bop-in-the-bop-shoo-bop-lyrics-the-platters.html">put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop</a>.</li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://www.lyricsdepot.com/they-might-be-giants/someone-keeps-moving-my-chair.html">keeps moving John Linnell's chair</a>.</li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/216/baha_men..who_let_the_dogs_out..who_let_the_dogs_out.html">let the dogs out</a>.</li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/bookoflovelyrics.html">wrote the Book of Love</a>.</li><li><a href="http://www.songlyrics.com/talking-heads/who-is-it-lyrics/">It's </a>Dick Clark</li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://www.songlyrics.com/simpsons/we-do-the-stonecutters-song-lyrics/">controls the British crown, Oscar night, and several other things.</a><br /></li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/954/alison_krauss..i_know_who_holds_tomorrow..i_know_who_holds_tomorrow.html">holds tomorrow</a>.<br /></li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/369/david_bowie..man_who_sold_the_world..the_man_who_sold_the_world.html">sold the world</a>.<br /></li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/500/sloan..who_taught_you_to_live_like_that..who_taught_you_to_live_like_that.html">taught Sloan to live like that</a>.<br /></li><li>Dick Clark <a href="http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/943/cars_the..greatest_hits..drive.html">is gonna drive you home tonight</a>.</li></ol>This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I felt it captured the scope pretty well. Next time you hear a song where someone wants to know who did something, rest assured, it's probably Dick Clark.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-45198120115601873812009-05-12T08:23:00.002-05:002009-05-12T08:53:28.034-05:0010 Unknown Facts about George CarlinLadies and Gentlemen, <a href="http://www.biography.com/articles/George-Carlin-9542307">George Carlin</a> would have been 72 had he not accepted that gig in Paradise last year, thinking it would be the <a href="http://www.townofparadise.com/">town in California</a>. We all know that Carlin was a comedian, but early in his life, he was also a radar technician in the Air Force and a disc jockey. Today, to celebrate his life and what he did for free speech (something very near to our heart here at The Truth of the World), we present to you ten things about George Carlin you didn't know.<br /><br />10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin:<br /><ol><li>George Carlin could sqeeze seven shots out of a six-shooter.</li><li>Though most famous for his "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television," George Carlin was always a little disappointed that his "Seventy Thousand Words You Can Say on Television," also known as "George Carlin Reads the Dictionary," never caught on the same way.</li><li>George Carlin's sense of smell was 1,000 times stronger than most humans.</li><li>George Carlin's job of Radar Technician consisted of not only maintaining RADAR systems, but also maintaining <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0121400/">Gary Burghoff</a>.<br /></li><li>George Carlin's bite had a 95% mortality rate.</li><li>George Carlin could sleep for three years straight, leading some to believe he isn't really dead.</li><li>George Carlin's book title <span style="font-style: italic;">Napalm and Silly Putty</span> was meant to be a recipe for a substance that would turn iron into gold, but a publishing oversight left off the third ingredient.</li><li>According to George Carlin, the hardest thing about being a disc jockey is getting it to race other discs. Climbing on the disc's back is the easiest part.</li><li>George Carlin made a bet on the world series in the mid 1950s. The loser had to keep a beard for the rest of their lives. Carlin actually won the bet, but kept a beard anyway, just to rub in the fact that he could shave his any time he wanted.</li><li>George Carlin secretly filled in during a Beatles concert when George Harrison was sick with a cold. They figured no one would notice if you switched on George for another. They were right.</li></ol>You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-23655922052482809062009-05-08T11:02:00.005-05:002009-05-08T11:20:48.889-05:00New and NostalgiaLadies and Gentlemen, we all know CNN strives to bring us the newest of news, but the problem is that few people trust the media anymore. Perhaps its the biases or, as I've pointed out so many times in the past, that they miss the real story (Come on, CNN. No mention of the<a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/12/never-trust-ant.html"> giant bug people</a> at all when you covered the shoe thrower...). In an effort to curb this distrust, CNN has hired someone to make the network feel friendly and believable again. They've hired your college roommate.<br /><br /><script src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/.element/js/2.0/video/evp/module.js?loc=dom&vid=/video/living/2009/05/06/dcl.bellini.05.06.cnn" type="text/javascript"></script><noscript>Embedded video from <a href="http://www.cnn.com/video">CNN Video</a></noscript><br /><br />In a segment I like to call "Jarrett Surfs Youtube," Jarrett Bellini shares popular videos from the internet. In an unbuttoned, untucked shirt and slacker goatee. I feel at home when I watch this segment. It takes me back to my college days when I would be trying to do some homework, something important and serious, and my disheveled roommate would barge in and say, "Dude, you gotta check out this video I just found on youtube." Then he would spend two minutes painfully explaining what makes the thirty second clip he's about to show you funny, which kills all the funny. Afterward, he beats humor's corpse by telling you what you just saw and again, why he thinks it's funny. And before you can blink, he's spending another five minutes prefacing another kinda lame thirty second clip.<br /><br />Oh CNN, thank you for bringing me back to those golden days of yore. The nostalgic twinge I feel every time Jarrett comes barging into my news broadcast saying, "Dude, you gotta check this out! It's a video of a homeless guy peeing himself" will keep me coming back to your station time and again. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go put on a flannel and go play hackey sack while bemoaning everything that's wrong with the world. Maybe afterward, I'll curl up with a nice blanket, use this massive amount of fluff as a pillow, and dream about begging for extensions on a paper I had all semester to do.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-80696686318986077732009-05-06T12:50:00.001-05:002009-05-06T13:05:23.354-05:00Writer's Block Will Be the Death of MeLadies and Gentlemen, I haven't had any decent ideas for anything to turn my investigative eye on in a while, so I haven't been writing here. I've gotten stumped on my novel even though I know pretty much exactly what I want to say. I'm often unable to come up with adventures for my Friday night gaming group until the very last minute. Even today, while at work, I had an idea for a post here and then poof, gone she went. I can't hold onto an idea to save my life. Because this blog and my future career depend on imparting ideas, I can only assume that means something wants me dead. Some precognitive spirit can see my future and knows that any day now I'll walk down some dark alley and a mugger is going to pull a gun and say, "Give me all your ideas," and I, being unable to provide any, will be shot.<br /><br />You see, there's an old saying. "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Yeah, he eats, but it'll be a short lifetime from mercury poisoning. I mean, man can't live on fish alone. Maybe it should be "If you teach a man to fish, farm, and probably hunt as well on top of any marketable trade skill you can teach him such as carpentry or gun repair, he eats for a lifetime." But I digress.<br /><br />The point is, in this economy, it's not enough to get money for today. Everyone wants financial security. A standard Watch-N-Wallet Mugging feeds a man for a day, possibly a week if the watch is a Rolex. But a mugger who steals ideas is investing in his future. A stolen storyline can be turned into a novel, to reap a comfortable residual income over several months or years. Likewise, a stolen innovation can lead to patents that can theoretically ensure even one's children eat for life. A stolen lyric makes its way into a song whose royalties will pay for a Rolls Royce. The intelligent mugger these days will not ask for cash, but rather for stock tips. The creative criminal will not demand an individual's shoes, but rather his clever screenplay pitch.<br /><br />Thus it will be with me when I walk down that unforeseen dark alley and a man with a gun demands a clever idea for a TV show or blog post, and I will die because of my writer's block.<br /><br />Note to self: Find out who's out to kill you by keeping you from developing any ideas.<br /><br />As for the rest of you, keep a notebook of random thoughts in your pocket. It could save your life. Especially if you're prone to traveling down menacing streets at night.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-11564672294803184032009-05-05T07:52:00.003-05:002009-05-05T08:08:20.963-05:0010 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow and Kevin BaconLadies and Gentlemen, it seems the closer we get to the Summer, the busier I'm going to be. Work picks up around that time. Meanwhile, wedding planning is in full force and I've got to pick up extra shifts to save for the honeymoon in between training sessions I'll have to do for my new teaching job, all while preparing to move at the end of July. Plus, I have to find time to spend with Miss Truth (soon to be Mrs. Truth) so that she'll still have me come the end of June. It's been hectic hectic hectic and I'm way behind once again. So here are two sets of ten facts to make up at least for missed Ten Facts Tuesdays. I'll try to do better, but I make no promises.<br /><br />John Lithgow is one of those beloved Hollywood stars that everyone likes but couldn't you his name. You may remember him as the older guy on <i>Third Rock from the Sun</i>, the crazy bad guy on <i>The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension</i>, the dad from <i>Harry and the Hendersons</i>, or the voice of Lord Farquaad from <i>Shrek</i>. But there’s much more to this versatile actor that you did not know (other than his name).<br /><br />10 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow:<br /><ol><li>John Lithgow is one of only two native North American marsupial. The other is the opossum.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow has fifty razor-sharp teeth, the most found in any land mammal.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow will eat almost any food he comes across including small mammals such as ground-nesting birds, hares, and even baby antelope. He will also eat roots, tubers, and even crustaceans or other marine life near the shore.</li><li>John Lithgow spends an estimated two-thirds of his life in the water.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow marks his territorial boundaries by whistling.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow closes his nostrils and absorbs oxygen through his skin while underwater.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow can learn to imitate human vocalizations very well.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow can hold his food in one foot and break off pieces to eat with his other foot.<br /></li><li>Researchers learn about John Lithgow's eating habits by studying his castings, or pellets of indigestible material such as bones and fur that has been regurgitated.<br /></li><li>John Lithgow is so powerful that a single kick at a predator, such as a lion, could be fatal.</li></ol><br />As we all know, everyone can be connected to Kevin Bacon in six steps, but here are a few things you may not have known.<br /><br />10 Unknown Facts about Kevin Bacon:<br /><ol><li>Kevin Bacon is one of the few members of his biological family that cannot fly.</li><li>Kevin Bacon travels across snow and ice by sliding on his belly.</li><li>Kevin Bacon can hold his breath for twenty minutes and dive up to 900 feet deep!<br /></li><li>Kevin Bacon cannot swim in warm water.</li><li>Kevin Bacon has been known to be up to four feet tall!<br /></li><li>Kevin Bacon's diet consists primarily of fish, squid, and shrimp that he catches in his mouth.<br /></li><li>When Kevin Bacon is ready to mate, he stands with his back arched and arms stretched out, making loud calls and strutting about to attract females.<br /></li><li>Kevin Bacon's primary predator is the leopard seal, which prefers him for dinner over any other creature.</li><li>Kevin Bacon has soft downy feathers when he first hatches from his egg.</li><li>Kevin Bacon has a specialized tongue that is rarely seen. This spiky spiny tongue prevents food from slipping out of his mouth.</li></ol>You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-17060381136194928072009-04-26T08:22:00.002-05:002009-04-26T08:42:38.255-05:00Ghostly InsomniaLadies and Gentlemen, last night I was sleeping soundly, but thirst got the better of me and I woke to wet my parched mouth. The room was noticably warmer than when I went to sleep. No wonder I was thirsty. I rolled over to drink from the cup I had sitting on the night stand. As I did so, I saw a shadowy human shaped figure dart away--emphasis on the shadow part. I woke several times that night, always thirsty, always hot. I only saw ghostly movement once more. The other times I kept my eyes shut. I didn't want to deal with it. Clearly, this ghost is almost certainly <a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/10/ghosts-are-super-conservatives.html">Oliver Cromwell</a> who no doubt shut off the air conditioner because he seems to hate all things technological.<br /><br />Look, Mr. Cromwell, that kind of behavior is uncalled for. England is located roughly between 50 and 60 degrees latitude. Mississippi is sitting smack dab at thirty. I don't think you realize, oh ghost of -ocracies past, what a difference that makes temperature-wise. I've been to England this time of year. It can be kind of nice. But guess what, sunshine, our <span style="font-style: italic;">low</span> temperature today is right where your <span style="font-style: italic;">high</span> is. That's right. You're looking at a low 48/high 67. My place has 67 degrees for our <span style="font-style: italic;">low</span> temperature for today. Mind you, this is presented in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fahrenheit">Fahrenheit</a> because if you're going to go cutting off my A/C in the middle of the night, I'm not going to exert the effort needed to convert to Celcius for you. Plus, you kinda died before <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celsius">Celsius</a> was established. Granted, you kinda died before Fahrenheit was established as well. How convenient that you should die before science established any reliable temperature gague beyond the Freezing-Cold-Cool-Luke Warm-Warm-Hot-Screw This I'm Going Swimming. Let me guess, all of this death before thermometers was done simply so you could pretend to be ingnorant when you turned off that vital cool air in the middle of the night and then in the morning, be like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know what those numbers mean. I'm a ghost. Oooooo!"<br /><br />I'm hip to your little games, Cromwell.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-88559293141964807512009-04-24T16:13:00.002-05:002009-04-24T18:12:13.468-05:00Subscriber Appreciation 2: Electric BoogalooLadies and Gentlemen, it's <a href="http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/11/ladies-and-gentlemen-to-celebrate-this.html">that time again</a>. Subscriber Appreciation time, in which we all get to know a little something about each other. Four is my favorite number, you see. Because I've had four new subscribers since the last time I did this, I think it's time to do it again. Four Unknown Facts about Four of you.<br /><br />Four Unknown Facts about <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/00358258061468429746">Trevor</a>:<br /><ol><li>Trevor is a master of bovine teleportation to the extent that <a href="http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor/">a song was written about him</a>.</li><li>Trevor knows what happened to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Hoffa">Jimmy Hoffa</a>.</li><li>Trevor's original Craigslist experiment failed to get <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institutional_Review_Board">IRB approval</a>, and as such, he turned to his <a href="http://thebartersection.blogspot.com/">current project</a>. I won't divulge what, but let's say they the Institutional Review Board has a problem with anything experiment that involves small animals, drywall, and and the unwilling participation of at least three <a href="http://www.nba.com/blazers/ripcityuprisecentral.html">Trail Blazers</a>, regardless of how valuable the hypothesis could prove.</li><li>Trevor had a dinner date set up with Tyra Banks until she realized he said he wanted to be America's next top <span style="font-style: italic;">re</span>modeler.<br /></li></ol>Four Unknown Facts about <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/11826002551241216088">John</a>:<br /><ol><li>John has a sixth sense that allows him to locate sweet videos on the internet the way <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chip_and_Dale%27s_Rescue_Rangers">Monterey Jack</a> can detect cheese. </li><li>John is a wordsmith in the truest sense of the word. He has an anvil upon which he places red-hot verbs and adjectives and then strikes them until they are something else. He does not do prepositions, though. Those are close class words, and thus, do not smelt as easily.</li><li>John once made a phonecall from the TARDIS to his cellphone so the he could have that number handy in case he needed it. Then his phone fell in a pond.</li><li>The Kingdom wasn't united until John convinced it to sit down at the table and talk out its differences.<br /></li></ol><br />Four Unknown Facts about <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/02056729713849761656">Debbie</a>:<br /><ol><li>Debbie speaks Cat, but doesn't know it because cats, upon realizing someone can understand them, speak only kitty gibberish in that person's presence until said individual is convinced it was all a dream.</li><li>Debbie does not use Pseudonyms in her blog. Her husband's name really is The Professor. Hence her married name Debbie Professor.</li><li>Debbie and her husband are actually stranded time-travellers (from 1976, so it's not as exciting as coming from the future, but still), hence their enjoyment of the works of Jean M Auel and their frustrations with the show <span style="font-style: italic;">The Tudors</span>.<br /></li><li>Debbie thinks it is ridiculous that even though pie with ice cream on top is called pie a la mode, no waitress yet has given her jelly when she orders toast a la <a href="http://www.bamajelly.com/about-welchs/news/welchs-announces-new-business-partnership-in-japan">Bama</a>.<br /></li></ol><br />Four Unknown Facts about <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/00756153639757153112">Excalibur Chicken</a>:<br /><ol><li>Excalibur Chicken was once plucked from a nest, thus proving that the plucker was destined to be king of nuggets at the fast food restaurant in which he worked.</li><li>Excalibur Chicken once received transmissions from David Bowie's telescopic nipple antennae.<br /></li><li>Excalibur Chicken once met the Death of Rats.</li><li>As is evident from the facts above, Excalibur Chicken does things once and once only.<br /></li></ol>You have been informed.<br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5517480247669555286.post-84088778583273211492009-04-22T11:14:00.002-05:002009-04-22T11:59:17.181-05:00The Somali Economy and YouLadies and Gentlemen, it seems every time we turn on the news or open the paper, we find another report of yet another naval incursion by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somali_pirate">Somali pirates</a>. We shun <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somalia">Somalia</a>; we question their lawlessness. In actuality, however, we should encourage Somalia. After all, the nation has been devastated by internal struggles since it gained its independence in 1960 (along with many other African nations). It's been plagued by one ineffectual government after another. In fact, Somalia's GNP is less than the net worth of at least <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_billionaires">eighty individuals</a> on the face of the earth, including Bill Gates. That's right. Bill Gates could buy Somalia if he felt so inclined, and still have enough money left over to buy all of its neighbors. In fact, research shows that a large percentage of Somalia's money comes from Somali ex-patriots wiring money to friends and family in the motherland.<br /><br />What does this have to do with pirates? Thank you for asking, hypothetical reader. With a sizable portion of Somalia's GNP coming from outside of the nation, the country clearly lacks for reliable exports with which to locally sustain its own economy. Somalia does have some agrarian capabilities--bananas are one of their major, one of their only for that matter, exports. These farms, however, provide only 40% of the nation's income. That's forty percent of 5.7 billion dollars, or roughly 2.28 billion dollars from these crops. Somali needed to explore new potential exports. As a coastal country, the fishing industry was a possibility and were it not for the incursion of foreign ships, may very well have been a lucrative one at that. However, being outfished by foreign nations, Somalia had to turn its eyes to the only other logical potential aquatic export: pirates.<br /><br />Historically, England, France, Spain, China, even the U.S. (or the colonies, to be more accurate) to a lesser degree all possessed markets for pirates. It seemed a wise investment. They could start a pirate industry and sell their pirates to these other countries. Unfortunately for Somalia, the global demand for pirates has dwindled in recent centuries. Upon trying to export their pirates to other countries, Somalia often found foreign nations actively refusing to import the pirates, driving them away at the borders of their waters with large gunboats. Somalia, being thus discouraged, set out to prove the quality of their pirates as both a commodity and an investment.<br /><br />Currently, Somali pirates control between ten and twenty foreign vessels and several hundred sailors with an <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/11/somalia-piracy-ransom">average ransom of two million dollars</a>. They're attempting to show the safe return on an investment in Somali Pirates<span style="font-size:78%;">tm</span>. After all, these pirates have secured over one billion dollars resale value of merchandise (20% of Somalia's GNP), which can then be resold, adding to a nation's exports, <span style="font-style: italic;">or</span> these ships can be ransomed for a net gain of upwards of fifty million dollars! It's a remarkable return for one's investment in piracy, considering the costs of conducting piracy operations are considerably lower. It's a safer investment than the stock market! Further, cultivating a national pirate industry not only creates jobs and alternative export possibilities, it also promotes economic growth in related industries, such as ship and weapons manufacture, and adds hostages to a nation's list of profitable exports. It's a huge growth industry!<br /><br />The international community is putting a lot of pressure on Somalia for its pirate industry, but really, we should admire them. They're a country that's truly looking outside the box during these hard economic times for unexplored, reliable means of generating income. Demand may be down for their products and services, but at least they're trying. Further, with the popularity of pirates in film and television growing, it's only a matter of time before demand also rises, which will increase the price for a good pirate. We, as a nation, should invest now before the price per pirate becomes unreasonable. We should encourage this sort of creative problem solving by demanding our senators push to help a struggling third world nation out by purchasing Somali Pirates<span style="font-size:78%;">tm</span> of our own. France and England can join suit and we can shake it up like the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piracy#Privateers">old days</a>. After all, when was the last time we had a really good naval battle? Fifty, sixty years ago? Too long.<br /><br />Invest in pirates. They'll turn this economy around.<br /><br />You have been informed.Mr. Truthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03873130815328043374noreply@blogger.com0