The Truth of the World

iSpy

2010-10-13T07:19:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I apologize for my prolonged (re: 10 month) absence. One would be amazed how much time guiding the future of 130 youths of America can take. Last year, I had sixty-eight, and I struggled to churn out one post per long while. This year, I have twice that number, and it is equally challenging though more time consuming. I can at least rest assured in knowing that some small portion of our future leaders is heading out into the world with an eye on the truth and not that rubbish we're expected to believe.

Still, something caught my attention that I felt needed addressing. Anna Chapman. How did this slip by my radar? And no, I'm not simply referring to her hotness on par with Jewel Staite (though we will discuss the pros and cons of a hot spy later in the program).

Oh, big deal. So she spied for the Russians. It's the Russians. Who cares about them anymore? The Cold War is over, and we're no longer enemies. Maybe neighbors who aren't so keen on the way the other mows his lawn at five in the morning EVERY SATURDAY. If she's passing on secrets, I can't imagine they're beyond the international equivalent of neighborhood gossip. Who didn't return whose rake? Or, I suppose on a more accurate scale, who isn't returning whose scientists. The fact that her discovery led to a highly publicized spy exchange simply proves the no-big-deal nature of the situation. What? You mean you're going to give back the tools we left at your place and we're going to return the stuff you left at ours? Sounds awfully neighborly of you. And the fact that the media heard about it at all says it's nothing to care about. International neighborhood gossip. It's the really big secrets that you never hear about. Which brings us to my point.

She was a spy, alright, but it wasn't the political intrigue that should shiver the very marrow of our bones. No, it's something much more dark and sinister. I'm referring to the clear cut case of techno-corporate espionage that's going on here. Everyone talks about the encrypted files she transferred. No one focuses on the fact that she sent them from Starbucks. And while the press covers her new banking job, people are overlooking the seriousness of the situation. She works in IT. As an advisor. On innovation. This very same woman whose fashion choices are discussed as regularly and as fervently as her... ahem... questionable career choices. I'm not implying that as an attractive, fashion-minded young woman, she is incapable of performing IT work. Quite the contrary. Do a google search on Jewel Staite's character Kaylee Frye from the show Firefly to see what kicks her up and above the competition in the Women Mr. Truth Would Manipulate Circumstances to Ensure When He Gets Stranded on a Desert Isle, She/They Are Stranded with Him Contest.

The connection between coffee, clothes, and computers is, in my opinion, far more sinister. I believe, based on the evidence presented before us, that Anna Chapman is a hipster. Let's take a look, shall we?

She did her work from a coffee shop, which hipsters love. True, it's Starbucks, which hipsters hate (at least publicly), but it would be irresponsible to ignore, especially considering Starbucks' Seattle origins, one of the world's Hipster Hotspots. Plus, free wi-fi, and we all know being a hipster is all about spending big bucks on presenting an image of being cool while not spending big bucks.
Her clothes. Yes, they're pretty. And maybe they're expensive, maybe they aren't. But they are nice without looking like they cost a fortune. They look more like lucky finds to me. "OMG! I totally just found the cutest red dress at a thrift store and was able to snag it for twenty rubles!" It's like pre-faded jeans. They look cool AND because they are artificially aged, they make it look like you thought they looked cool way before anyone else thought they looked cool. Being the first on the scene (before it's the scene, actually) is kinda what being a hipster is all about.
She met her husband at a rave. Granted, now that's not the thing for hipsters. They're into out of tune singers with an acoustic guitar and midi samplings from the final levels of MegaMan, but... hipsters, what can you do? Still, they met at a rave in 2001, before they became completely blasé.
She's a spy for Russia. Being a spy for Russia in America is so two decades ago. The feud is over. Which makes it pointless. Which makes it ironic. Which makes it hip. Hipsters love jobs that sound important but actually accomplish little to nothing (such as environmental advocate, speech writer for a third or even fourth party candidate, or undergrad in a liberal art). "Oh, you're doing your dissertation on the development of third world cultures when exposed to the latest album by The Unicorns? Well, I'm a spy for Russia." Score one for Comrade Hottypants.
She's into tech in a big way. Hipsters love tech. If your iPod isn't big enough to hold every band you've never heard of, you're just wasting their time. In fact, for all of their Corporate America hating, they love them some tech corporations (except Microsoft). Sorry, Microsoft. They love their big old Corporate Apple. Why? Because it's pretty, but not good for actually doing much of anything useful. Still, she's an IT girl, which means she's smarter than a mac. Probably runs Linux (because it isn't Windows but you can run programs on it that aren't designed for making music and movies you've never heard of look and sound prettier).
She lived in New York City at the time she was busted. New York City is considered the cultural center of the U.S. It's the place where trends start, where fashion and music have bizarre incestuous relationships producing a myriad of singers/fashion designers. With a history of counter culture (the whole bohemian village thing...), it's Hipster Heaven. Finding bands no one knows about to introduce to others is easy. Finding main stream things to ridicule is even easier.

Let's put it all together, shall we? She's an IT girl who hangs out in coffee shops with Mac loving hipsters, passing herself off as one of them all while spying, and now she's in charge of technological innovation? Sure it's a bank you work for Anna. We know who your real employer is. We know that the Russian spy thing was really just your harmless facade.

You work for the Japanese. Let us not forget that Japan, of course, is an Asian country, and oh yes, tech is big in Asia. Tech is huge. They can make robots for anything and design game systems like it's nobody's business. But how many Japanese products have that "Hipster Flair" the way an iPod does? And let us also not forget that Russia, though we never think of it as such, is situated in Asia. From Japan it's a hop, skip, and a jump to Russia. How difficult would it be for Japan to convince Russia to hire her on as a spy? After all, why pay for a spy yourself when you can have a spy on another country's dime.

Here's the truth, for the first time, regarding the espionage of Anna Chapman. Japan approaches her about spying on them. It seems their tech, though powerful, isn't "cool." Anna, being the sexy woman with a sexy foreign accent, could probably unearth all kinds of secrets of cool if she lived in New York. With their tech and that New York style, Japan would be an unstoppable force. But Japan wants to play it safe. They know about the kind of wrath Steve Jobs can inflict when he gets angry. So they approach Russia, Anna's homeland and former rival to the US. They plant a bug in Russia's ear that Anna Chapman should be their answer to James Bond. Sexy and secretive. Perfect, right? With this cover, Japan feels the U.S. will not care if Anna gets busted. They'll slap her on the wrist, send her home, but all of her true work, the Cool Equation (an equation using her IT based math skills to calculate exactly how cool something is), will come with her. And because she's a spy for Russia (and not a very secretive one if her husband noticed her slipping off to meet with Russians all the time), she's hip and ironic and allowed to infiltrate with open arms her real target, not the U.S. but the In Crowd.

Well played, Japan. You have her back home in Asia doing innovative tech work. Sure, it's for a "bank." A bank with the same initials as Russia's big spy program. Lets face it. That Russian bank is really a front for your shadowy colorful-mp3 cartel. Had to throw in a little irony there, didn't you? Keep her hipster vibe going? You win this time, Japan. But only because I'm fine with you taking Apple down a peg or two.

You have been informed.

P.S. I promised a pros and cons list of having sexy spies.

Pros:

Easier to get secrets out of people with large libidos. Or even medium libidos.
Easier to get away with cheesy puns and one-liners.
Nobody wants to tango with the fat, sweaty, balding spy at the Embassy Ball.
Makes your country look like you have standards. "We have so much talent to choose from, we only hire those who can do the job AND look good on the cover of a magazine."
Gives enemy spies self-esteem issues.
Better scenery during boring mission briefings and debriefings.
Gives the impression that all of your spies are sexy, letting the nerdy, schlubby spies slip by unnoticed.

Cons:

Increased risk of being frisked at airport security.
When caught, rest assured, their picture will be all over the internet.
Won't have much time to spy due to a full dance card at the Embassy Ball.
Makes other spies more likely to kill them in a jealous rage.
Will invariably shag every other attractive person around while on a mission, people who usually end up being spies and capturing them in their moments of vulnerability.
Insist on dressing in the sexiest of clothes regardless of the mission. "Sniper skiing in the Alps? I think I'll wear the bright red evening gown with stiletto heels."
Hard to slip by enemy security when they're undressing you with their X-Ray scanners and their eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I think the sexy spy is, well, sexy. To an insane degree. But I just don't see it being that effective for you in the long run. Still, what a steamy, Hollywood run it would be.

Prayers Do Come True

2010-01-12T07:42:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know I've been away for a long time. Work devours my time like a lion devours wildebeests, birthday boys devour cake, and Oprah devours small children.* However, lately, work has been giving me anxiety attacks and gastritis, which is kinda like baby ulcers that one day grow up to be real ulcers. So what do I do? I panic. I freak out. I talk to myself. And then, like Big Oprah, I turn to a higher power and ask for help. And do you know what He does? He helps me.

Oh yes, on Sunday night, I was having awful anxiety. I was stressed beyond all reason, chanting to myself to keep myself doing lesson plans. And I begged the universe for something to happen to keep me from having to go in and take that abuse from 7:30 to 4:30. Do you know what the universe did? You do if you read ahead. If you didn't, however, I'll go ahead and tell you and let you in on what the other readers have already looked at.

The universe, kind and loving, gave me debilitating, stress-induced stomach pains. I woke in so much glorious pain. I couldn't help but smile as I slumped my way to the phone. "Thank you, universe, for making it hurt so much!" And I called in. And no sooner did I call in then all that stress related pain started to fade away. A little. But the universe, kind and loving as it is, continued to keep my best interests at heart. That cold front last week that promised to close schools for snow but fell through? It came back and froze pipes all over the city, busting water mains, sending water gushing into the streets, water that would turn to ice in those freezing predawn temperatures. Schools closed early Monday and are still closed today.

Thank you, All Mighty Power. You've given me a gift. You gave me awful stomach pains, that I would not have to deal with emotional pains. You took out an entire city's water supply and made the roads slick and dangerous so that I wouldn't have to go to work today. You gave me time off from work that I wouldn't need to spend a sick day on. AMP, I know you care about me because you're willing to put everyone else in danger with those icy roads and boil water notices all so I can avoid being disrespected by a handful of children for eight to nine hours. That's the nicest, sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

I could do something nice for you, AMP, but I've decided instead to pay it forward and do nice things for others. I was thinking this morning about how maligned air conditioners are sometimes. During the summers, the toil ceaselessly to keep a home at a cozy sixty-five degrees when it's thirty degrees or more hotter outside. But when those same people you keep cool overburden an electrical outlet and accidentally set the house on fire through negligent abuse of electricity, do they ever stop and say, "Hey, that poor, hard-working air conditioner is killing itself trying to keep us cool. I should turn it off before I leave this burning building so its last moments of mechanical life aren't spent killing itself trying to keep a five hundred degree inferno a cozy sixty-five degrees." No, it's all "family albums" this, and "get the pets and children" that. But not me. I'm paying it forward, AC. I'm going to shut you off when one of my many overburdened electrical sockets catches fire. Because I'm a nice guy like that.

You have been informed.

*Seriously. With her weight fluctuations, when her weight is up, she's all about self control and self-improvement, but when she's down, she's always hanging around some kids who need help. Who's to say she isn't eating one or two of those poor starving children every time she builds a school in a third world nation? Next thing you know, she's Big Oprah again and it's all about loving yourself for who you are and changing yourself into who you want to be.

Alabama Wants Your Vote(rs)

2009-09-27T07:36:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife and I went to Atlanta for Dragon*Con for our honeymoon recently and had a lot of fun. But all was not fun and games and alcohol and steam punk and scantily clad women in Princess Leia costumes. You see, my wife and I live in Mississippi, which means if we want to make any kind of decent time, we had to drive through Alabama to reach Georgia. Now, here's a fun fact about Alabama. Statistically speaking, person-for-person they are some of the most insane drivers in the states.* I was cut off countless times, flipped off, yelled at, and otherwise harassed for having the gall to only do 85 in a 65. Often times by people in large vehicles who seem to have forgotten the tail of their vehicle comes so painfully close to the front of my car when they do so. At one point, I even had a car tailgate me so close I couldn't see their headlights. Again, all while doing almost 90 miles per hour. "Alabamans are insane." I thought.

Soon however, I realized that this aggression was more than simple road rage. You see, while driving, my wife and I got stuck in traffic jams FIVE times in as many hours for no good reason. Traffic would inexplicably come to a crawl between two small towns twenty miles apart. There were no roadblocks. There were no accidents. Not once did I ever see anything that even remotely resembled a reasonable (or unreasonable for that matter) explanation for why people violently trying to pass me at speeds in excess of 100 mph would suddenly decide to do ten miles per hour for the next five miles. People. Just. Stopped. Moving. The trip back was no exception. Many times for no good reason, traffic stopped in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't until then that it all began to make sense. It's all about political power.

Electoral votes are determined are determined every year with the census. With this year being 2009, the census is surely underway. Not satisfied with their respectable 9 electoral votes, Alabama has realized that in order to claim a population large enough to warrant an increase in electoral votes, the state has to have new residents who have spent a certain amount of time living within its borders. As such, Alabama has fiendishly trained its drivers to slow down dramatically on its highways so that people from out of state will be stranded in Alabama for weeks, even months at a time. Thus, when the census takers arrive, the State suddenly has a much larger population, and thus, more electoral votes. No wonder people were driving like madmen, I realized. Who knows how long they've been trying to escape the Great State of Alabama?

Perhaps this explains why Mississippi's evil twin state has an inverted number of votes. Alabama and Mississippi are practically mirror images of each other. Mississippi has 6 votes, Alabama 9. Again, same shape, just flipped over. If they get that tenth vote, Mississippi will be reduced to only 01 electoral votes. Oh yes, Alabama is Mississippi's evil twin alright. We know this because the evil twin in movies is always more powerful, hence more votes. Plus, they're stealing the voters we do have away. On top of that, I'm 95% certain Alabama has a goatee, proof once more that they are the evil one.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Friends. As you drive across this wide nation of ours, please heed my warning before Alabama poaches your voice. Drive around. It will be quicker, and in the end, better for the country.

You have been informed.
*All statistics based solely on personal observation.

Germans Re-Animate the Dead!

2009-08-31T20:16:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I realize I've been gone a long time. Teaching sixth graders is the most stressful thing I've ever done. I have panic attacks in the morning at the thought of going in to work sometimes. But that's neither here nor there. I've returned from a prolonged, work-induced absence to share some completely unstartling news. The Germans have been raising the dead. In this case, it's Michael Jackson. The article states that the video was an "experiment." Yeah, we all know what kind of experiments you Germans do when it comes to the dead. The whole thing was allegedly about "how easily rumors spread on the internet." I think the rumor they're going for is that he never really died, that the death was all a hoax (which would make the video not a hoax, as opposed to the video being a hoax and his death real). But neither of those are the REAL hoax. The REAL hoax is that the Germans raised him from the dead, but in order to prevent an ordeal like they had last time (see previous link) with all of the killing and hubris of man, only PRETENDED that he never died by smuggling the re-animated Jackson into L.A. and forcing their creation to slip "discretely" out of a coroner's van. The hoax is that we're meant to believe that he never died, as opposed to the truth. He's back, thanks once again to German science run amok.

Oh Germany, will you never cease trying to overstep man's place in the cosmos via mastery over life and death?

I doubt it.

You have been informed.

The Zombies Can Dance

2009-07-31T09:46:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.

That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.

They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
They will be loud and annoying.
They will be coordinated.
They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
They will strike with coordinated military precision.
They will be self-aware.

I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

Molemen Housing Market And 10 Things You Should Know

2009-07-28T07:16:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the wedding ceremony is over, the move is for the most part complete and I can settle back into a routine. You know... before the school year starts next week. It'll be a very short routine, I guess. Still, I had to share this important bit of news from Canada. I was checking CNN's website and I saw this video.

There was no audio, so I knew they were trying to hide something from me. All I saw were large, house-sized holes in the middle of a Toronto high way. Officials are calling them "sinkholes," but really I believe they are signs that the mole men housing market--and thus economy--are on the rebound. Clearly, there's such a demand for housing in the subterranean world that contractors no longer have the manpower or resources to completely fill the need. So what do they do? They cut corners. They steal resources from us surface dwellers. A couple thousand square feet of prime Toronto asphalt should make a great foundation for a home, yes? A little excavation and it's all theirs.

But never fear. They aren't stealing entire houses, which means you should have no fear of them stealing your home. They aren't really into Tudor styles or California stuccos anyway. All they want is the foundation. No harm, no foul.

You may be wondering how I can possibly say "no harm" when there are gaping holes in Canadian highways. Simple. This sort of behavior is good for us in several ways.

It creates construction work jobs.
It means the mole people are leading more domestic lifestyles right now. More babies and college funds and less doom and gloom.
A vibrant mole people economy prevents inflation in ours. After all, when they do well, they invest in technologies that let them hold cities for ransom, which in turn takes money out of an economy flooded with stimulus and bailouts. We get the perks of extra money jolted into the economy without the drawbacks of it staying there.
With the mole people housing market on the rise, now is a fantastic time to improve your portfolio by investing in subterranean real estate.

That being said, I thought I'd share a list of ten facts to keep in mind during this Mole Man Housing Boom.

10 Unknown Facts about the Mole Man Housing Market

When things are bad, the market isn't bottoming out, it's hitting surface. In Mole People economies, up/top is bad, down/bottom is good.
Don't invest in lumber. Wood rots underground. They like to build with stone and clay.
Mole people live communally. Don't even think your plan for studio apartments will work.
Contrary to popular belief, mole people don't like earthtones. They get them enough as it is. Think blues, pinks, and purples.
Don't bother with walk-in closets. They all wear the same uniform. They don't need a lot of space for their wardrobes.
If someone tries to sell you Carlsbad Caverns, don't buy it. It's just like someone up here trying to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.
If someone tries to sell you Mammoth Caverns, don't buy it. Bad neighborhood. You'll only lose money on your investment.
The standard for their currency is Atari game cartridges. There was a brief period of massive inflation in 1988 when molemen miners and prospectors in Texas discovered a huge cache of E.T. and Pacman cartridges.
It's dark down there, but don't being a flashlight to read those mortgage papers. They'll take the bright light as an assault, which leads to showtrials in kangaroo courts and public executions. Instead, ask to take the papers home to look over for a night. It's much safer.
If you meet the Mole Princess, she will invariably fall in love with you and betray her tyrant father. If you cannot avoid meeting her, make sure your deals are closed first. All out war between surface dwellers and mole people tends to gum up the works of business transactions (though if you win, you might just get that property for free).

Hopefully with this knowledge, some of you will be able to pull yourselves out of this economic crisis we're in and make a bright shiney future for yourself. I've given you the tools to be the next subterranean real estate tycoon. What you do with it is your choice.

You have been informed.

Robots Don't Know It's Not Bacon

2009-07-09T10:56:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, a robot designed to identify meats and cheeses and wines have identified human flesh as bacon. I don't believe I need to explain how serious it is that our long-foretold enemies have declared our flesh to be tastiest of the breakfast meats...

You have been informed/warned.

See what happens when you step away for a week or two?

2009-07-02T09:38:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my extended absence, but the wedding is finally over. I finally have a little time to post. Before I move. Next week. Sigh...

But oh dear heavens what has happened in my absence? I step away from researching for a couple of weeks and suddenly it's nothing but news news news. I haven't had time to research, but I can posit a few theories behind each event.

The most common news element? Celebrity deaths.

Since my last post, we've lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
My guess: VH1 is filming the next season of the Surreal Life in the afterlife.

There was a military coup in Honduras. Former president forbidden to return. Former president vows to return some time around Saturday.
My guess: President forgot to help with the dishes. The Military felt unappreciated, because the President didn't even say thank you after the Military did all of the dishes. They argue. The President brought up something that the Military did early in their relationship when they were having a break that he swore long ago he'd forgiven her for and he'd never bring up again. The Military started crying, called him an insensitive jerk, slapped him, and told him to leave the apartment and never come back. The President has been sleeping on his buddy's couch, vowing to go back "after the Military has had a little time to cool off." The Military has been on the phone with its mother, and has filed a restraining order against the President.

A place crashes, and only one woman survives.
My Guess: Really? We've all seen Unbreakable. I think we all know what her story is.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to go sign a lease now for an apartment about 150 miles away from here. Then the packing starts.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Bill Nye

2009-06-14T09:00:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am terribly late. Again. It's a recurring theme around here as I draw closer and closer to the wedding. So much to do. And the guest list is so political. "I want to invite him, but if I do, I have to invite her as well, and I'm not such a big fan of her." You know how it goes. To make it even more difficult for me to get this list out, I chose Bill Nye. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Bill Nye, the Science Guy, but he's pretty freakin' awesome. "Surely," I thought to myself, "This is a man who deserves a Ten Unknown Facts list."

"I agree wholeheartedly," I replied, "and don't call me Shirley."

"Stop making cliche references to Airplane!" I chided.

"I'm sorry. I suppose I'd better get back to that list."

"Yes, I suppose I should."

And then I began work on the list. And I uncovered ten facts. Then ten more. Then a dozen more. There were so many things this man could do I had a difficult time narrowing the list down to just ten. It was a monumental task, and I did what most Americans would do when faced with a monumental task. I avoided it. Then I decided to do something else. So instead of doing a list of ten amazing things the nigh omnipotent Bill Nye can do, I decided instead to list ten things he couldn't do, and that, my friends, produced a much shorter list. I therefore present to you...

10 Things Bill Nye Can't Do:

Bill Nye can't understand prime numbers, but can understand composite numbers with only prime factors. For instance, when doing a show for VH1, for his benefit, they referred to the network as VH(9-8).
Bill Nye can't make grilled cheese sandwiches. He can make grilled sandwiches. He can make cheese sandwiches. But he can't make grilled cheese sandwiches.
Bill Nye is unable to hate anything. As such, his DVR is full of shows most of us wouldn't even consider watching.
Bill Nye can't talk to the dead, but he can exchange e-mails with them.
Bill Nye can't divulge the meaning of life, but he knows it just the same.
Bill Nye can't seem to beat level seven of the original NES Super Mario Brothers without losing a life.
Bill Nye can't die by conventional means. In other words, he is immune to the top 15 causes of death, but should cancer ever drop off that list, he can die from it.
Bill Nye can't watch Office Space without laughing.
Bill Nye can't negate Don King's lightning powers.
Bill Nye can't believe it's not butter.

I don't know about you, but I feel very relieved to know that there are some things even Bill Nye can't do. It gives us a little reassurance when we fail at things.

You hvae been informed.

Better PR for the Righteous

2009-06-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the more important you are, the worse your PR agent is. Paris Hilton can't catch a cold without being all over the papers and CNN and everything else under the sun. Obscene coverage. She contributes nothing to society. Obama makes appearances on numerous TV shows and is constantly giving speeches. It doesn't get the airplay Paris gets, but he still gets a lot of press and gets booked a lot of appearances. He leads one nation. Leader of the U.N.? You probably don't even know his name. I didn't I just googled it. It's Ban Ki-moon. Shows up in the news maybe once a month, and never on any TV shows. At least he still has a presence on the web and in the papers.

But what about the creator of our universe and His important friends? They never get mentioned in the news anymore. No interviews on the internet. The only bookings they seem to get are appearances on grilled cheese sandwiches, jar lids, cabinet doors, and dental x-rays. They never even get any speaking apperaances. Just a "smile for the masses" gig. It's sad, really. Once upon a time, you could book Jesus for a personal appearance with speeches and everything, even after he was dead. Now that's what I call a good publicist.

Perhaps it's simply a matter of time. Two thousand years ago, four thousand years ago, God was everywhere. He could be seen at dinners, at sacrifices, heard on mountains. These days, not so much. Perhaps when He lost His fire and brimstone during the New Testament days, He also lost His will to fire people who let Him down. How many times did He personally literally fire entire cities that displeased Him? I don't know. I haven't counted. But I'm sure it's more than two. How many times has He done so since? Probably less than two. Maybe He has simply lost the youthful determination to smite those who didn't get the job done His way, plauge at 4:30, hot latte, one sugar at exactly 4:45. Perhaps now he's the friendly boss who loves His employees too much to let them go just because they aren't very good at their jobs. He doesn't seem to even be giving many write-ups or councelling notices anymore.

Or perhaps He's calmed with age, rather than lost the heart to make people have it His way. Many celebrities are all over the news and the tabloids when they're young. Paparazzi are always getting shots of them at the club and on the streets. They make public appearances for anything. They get any gigs they want. They throw tantrums at poor production assitants when the coffee isn't hot enough or their cars waxed enough. Then, once they really acclimate to the fame, they step out of the spotlight. They realize that the fame is there. They don't have to be in the tabloids every week or people will forget about them. They can step back and enjoy what they have without being showy about it.

Perhaps it was the same with God. Once upon a time when the world was new, He was rolling in the success of His latest hit, Earth, and He felt the need to let everyone know that He made it. It was His project, and He was a big star. "I don't like the way these Philistines are acting up. Could someone please remove them from the set? thank you." Then He had a kid and realized that He needed to settle down. Stop flexing his stardom just because He could. He stepped out of the limelight. He didn't need the press anymore. He knew His fame was secured. He knew He would always have that loyal devoted group of fans, and He didn't need to take every gig offered to stay in the public eye.

Even so. If You're listening up there, can I make a suggestion? I know you don't really need the press much anymore, and you really like your agent and you don't want to fire her, but can't you at least make her sit through a weekend PR training seminar or something? Surely she can get you better gigs than a dog's anus. Have a little self-respect.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin Long

2009-06-02T11:26:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the birthday of both Zachary Quinto, whom you may recognize as Sylar from the TV show Heroes and twenty-something Spock from the new Star Trek movie (not to be confused with Young Spock- Jacob Kogan, or Old Spock/Spock Prime-Leonard Nemoy), and Justin Long, who does great movies like Zack and Miri (Make a Porno), Dodgeball, GalaxyQuest, and Idiocracy when he's not selling his soul to the devil by selling Macs. I really like both of these guys (even if one does try to sell me a smug sense of superiority for a pretty, but overpriced computer that won't play any decent games), and I couldn't decide which to share ten facts about this week. Then I figured since they both share the same birthday, let's share a list of ten facts they have in common.

10 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin Long

Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can both drive a standard and automatic transmission as well as the Semi-Automatic transmission, which only sometimes requires you to manually shift gears. The trick is anticipating when the transmission has decided when it wants you to do it instead.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long have each eaten enough brownies in one sitting to kill a small elephant.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long crocheted chain mail shirts out of steel cable.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave escape plans from their homes drawn up in case of fire, burglars, and zombies.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave mystical self-refilling ink cartridges for their printers, the lucky schmucks.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can shoot flaming tulips from their hands at will.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Longboth know why the caged bird sings.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long live on 36 hour daily cycles, making scheduling around their twelve hour sleep sessions difficult.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can gain total daily nutritional requirements from chocolate cake.
Zachary Quinto and Justin Long were invited to attend Hogwarts when they were 11, but turned down the offer in hopes of making it big in Hollywood. How lucky for them they didn't turn down wizarding school for nothing.

They really do have some amazing similarities, don't they? What are the odds? I guess we'll never know. Unless one of you has a doctorate in statistics and probability, in which case, what are the odds? I'm sure we'd really like to know.

You have been informed

Obama: A Man We Can Trust

2009-05-31T09:33:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this just a brief injection of truth before I have to go run errands today, but I figure it needed to be shared. There are a lot of concerns these days what with the economy and North Korea wanting to play the Let's Swap Nukes game. But in this time of stress and turmoil, we can at least rest assured with one thing. We can trust Obama to do anything he says he'll do. Obama has made a number of campaign promises. Such promises include ending unwarranted wiretaps, fully funding the Veteran's Administration, and securing nuclear weapons materials in four years, none of which have had any progress made on them yet. Rest assured, however, that he will get to it because he's a man who keeps his promises.

Fact: During the election, he promised his kids a dog if he got elected. His children now have a dog.
Fact: During the campaign, he promised his wife if he got elected, he would take her to a Broadway show. He took his wife to Joe Turner's Come and Gone.

The truth of the matter is, of all promises, these are the ones people least expect to be fulfilled. After all, how many husbands have said, "Yeah, honey. If I get this promotion, I'm buying you the fanciest dress and taking you to the nicest restaurant" only to blow it off and say, "this new promotion wears me out. I'm too tired to take you out dancing." How many dads have promised their kids dogs and never provided. You see, these are promises that we expect to be broken. Once in a lifetime promises like "I'll close Guantanemo" we expect to be said sincerely because it's so very memorable. We expect promises like that to be kept. The fact that Obama made good on two of the top ten most commonly broken promises* means we can certainly expect him to make good on everything else. Why else would the news have felt it important to share the keeping of these revolutionary promises if they didn't directly impact the nation?

You have been informed.

*10 Most Frequently Broken Promises (in no particular order):

Taking out the trash
Doing the dishes
Getting the kids a dog
Taking loved one out for a nice evening.
Quitting a bad habit
Wedding vows
Anything someone says they'll do tomorrow
Not reading something you are told is private
Rub feet/Shoulders
Lowering taxes

10 Unknown Facts About Ibn Battuta

2009-05-27T15:26:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can see you scratching your heads right now wondering who in the world Ibn Battuta could possibly be. Born in 1304, Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta was an Islamic legal scholar specializing in Sunni law, but is most famous for getting around, and by that I mean travelling through Africa and parts of Asia, not making babies. He wrote tales of his travels, which were popular in his time and are considered mostly accurate historical sources on Africa prior to heavy European influence in the form of traders, slavers, and settlers. His stories were full of the fantastical, with hints of swashbuckling of sorts. After all, if you know your readers will probably never be able to travel to the great city of Timbuktu, you're free to say just about whatever you want about what you did there and who you met. Boy, did he claim to meet a lot of rulers. And white women. But that's another story.

And just for a bit of trivia before we kick this list off, in Arabic cultures as in European cultures, at least in the 1300s, it was common for a person's name to include a reference to one's direct lineage. Much the way Johnson meant "John's son," ibn meant "son of." Thus, when history refers to Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta, remember that historians are basically saying, "And then Battuta's kid when to Africa." Battuta must be so proud.

10 Unknown Facts About Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta:

When Ibn Battuta dropped names--and he did... a lot--he always made sure to pick them up and dust them off before using them again.
It is rumored that Ibn Battuta was the inspiration for Henry Winkler's character Barry Zuckerkorn on Arrested Development, which may explain why Ibn Battuta was known more for traveling than lawyering.
Ibn Battuta owned the first Model T Ford, almostl six hundred years before Henry Ford built his automobile factory. This Model T allowed Ibn Battuta to travel the 29 years and 75,000 miles of his journeys quickly and in style.
After countless ships he travelled with (but no ships that he travelled on) sank during his travels, Ibn Battuta realized that he was the most bouyant thing in the universe.
Ibn Battuta met so many rulers that even those he really did meet doubted his tales that they'd met.
Ibn Battuta lived in New York before it was just regular York, and long before that uppity (newer) New York in the Americas stole its thunder. He says the coffee shops were better then, and it was easier to find a good apartment on the East side for cheap.
Scholars say that for every three powerful families Ibn Battuta claimed to have married into, there were two more imaginary families he meant to say he'd married into but never got around to telling his stenographer.
When travelling across the Sahara, Ibn Battuta often grew frustrated at how tired he was of the camels having to stop for water every couple of weeks, once commenting, "Why can't they suck it up and wait for water until they arrive...like I do?"
Ibn Battuta fought the law, and the law lost.
Ibn Battuta claimed to have the memory of an elephant, which he said bored him to no end. "Really, how many memories of walking the the savannah eating grass must I have?" he once wrote. "I would rather have had a lion's memory or perhaps a monkey's."

Amazing what one person could do in a life time so long ago. I have a hard enough time getting to work, and he travelled the world. Here's to you, Battuta's kid!

You have been informed.

Dastardly Accountability

2009-05-21T08:51:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's been a big push in recent years for accountability and transparency. People want some accountability in our government after the past administration or two, some system in which leaders take responsibility for their actions, and the people want to be informed (transparency). We're tired of being left in the dark. Even in classrooms, there is a push for accountability and transparency. With the No Child Left Behind Act, teachers are being held accountable for the results of student achievement on statistically unrealistic levels. Likewise, parents want to know exactly what is happening in the classroom so they know how to word the lawsuit when Little Sally fails a spelling test. We expect accountability and transparency in those who govern us, but you know who has always given us both, through thick and thin, for time immemorial?

Villains.

How many James Bond movies find the bad guy telling her Majesty's favorite spy every single element of his plan. "First I'm going to shoot the moon with this laser I made from parts I purchased at Home Depot. You can find my schematics at www.ImEvilGetUsedToIt.com. Then when the moon is destroyed, tides will run wild, which in turn will bring me vast fortunes as I have invested in both elevated housing technology and the boat building industry. Then I'm going to get a submarine to go underwater to retrieve all of the gold from Fort Knox while my laser sharks hunt you down, Mr. Bond, and then... you will die!"

We simply don't see that kind of honesty or openness in our leaders today. It's always "We have a plan. Things are in motion. I will not know about all of these things so I can deny knowing about them later. Any questions? Sorry, I have a thing. I don't have time to answer that one."

Likewise, Villains are the first to claim credit for their actions. When they have a plot, they take over the airwaves and make sure every person in the world knows. They hack your iPod so you get their diabolical proclamation mid "Tara's Party Mix Playlist." They put it in papers. They use psychic suggestion to put that thought, that credit into your mind. And when they fail, they admit it, but like responsible individuals promise never to give up and vow to try again.

Perhaps in the future, we should consider electing Doctor No to office. I mean, come on. He's a villain, so he's going to be upfront with you. He'll tell you what he's up to every step of the way so you can stop him if you deem it important, and he'll take full responsibility for his actions. Plus, he's a doctor, so clearly he's concerned with health care and education.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Dick Clark

2009-05-19T09:42:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and when I think of music in general, I think of Dick Clark, not because he really makes any music, at least not personally, but because he's been something of a spokesperson for it since American Bandstand and his New Year's Rockin' Eve Party. He was born as Richard Wagstaff Clark in 1929 (yes, he's coming up on his 80th birthday), but became famous as Dick Clark of American Bandstand fame, a program on which bands would play, teens would dance, and back at home, girls would swoon during any Elvis appearance. Despite the stroke, he's still managed to keep something of a baby face. This youthful appearance even earned him the nickname "America's Oldest Living Teenager." Clearly this youthful appearance is actually because he's from a mystic race that ages slowly. In fact, rumor has it that the change from Richard Clark to Dick Clark is just one in a long series of name changes that he adopts every century or so, to keep his true nigh-ageless nature a secret. I'm giving that tidbit to you for free and not including it as a fact because, honestly, that's just conjecture. No, Clark comes to mind for being so influential in music, though his influence goes far deeper than hosting music programs. At times, he inspires it. The list of 10 Unknown Facts today shows just how inspirational Dick Clark has been to music by discussing 10 songs in which he goes uncredited.

10 Unknown Facts About Dick Clark:

Dick Clark put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.
Dick Clark keeps moving John Linnell's chair.
Dick Clark let the dogs out.
Dick Clark wrote the Book of Love.
It's Dick Clark
Dick Clark controls the British crown, Oscar night, and several other things.
Dick Clark holds tomorrow.
Dick Clark sold the world.
Dick Clark taught Sloan to live like that.
Dick Clark is gonna drive you home tonight.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I felt it captured the scope pretty well. Next time you hear a song where someone wants to know who did something, rest assured, it's probably Dick Clark.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin

2009-05-12T08:23:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, George Carlin would have been 72 had he not accepted that gig in Paradise last year, thinking it would be the town in California. We all know that Carlin was a comedian, but early in his life, he was also a radar technician in the Air Force and a disc jockey. Today, to celebrate his life and what he did for free speech (something very near to our heart here at The Truth of the World), we present to you ten things about George Carlin you didn't know.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin:

George Carlin could sqeeze seven shots out of a six-shooter.
Though most famous for his "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television," George Carlin was always a little disappointed that his "Seventy Thousand Words You Can Say on Television," also known as "George Carlin Reads the Dictionary," never caught on the same way.
George Carlin's sense of smell was 1,000 times stronger than most humans.
George Carlin's job of Radar Technician consisted of not only maintaining RADAR systems, but also maintaining Gary Burghoff.
George Carlin's bite had a 95% mortality rate.
George Carlin could sleep for three years straight, leading some to believe he isn't really dead.
George Carlin's book title Napalm and Silly Putty was meant to be a recipe for a substance that would turn iron into gold, but a publishing oversight left off the third ingredient.
According to George Carlin, the hardest thing about being a disc jockey is getting it to race other discs. Climbing on the disc's back is the easiest part.
George Carlin made a bet on the world series in the mid 1950s. The loser had to keep a beard for the rest of their lives. Carlin actually won the bet, but kept a beard anyway, just to rub in the fact that he could shave his any time he wanted.
George Carlin secretly filled in during a Beatles concert when George Harrison was sick with a cold. They figured no one would notice if you switched on George for another. They were right.

You have been informed.

New and Nostalgia

2009-05-08T11:02:00.005-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, we all know CNN strives to bring us the newest of news, but the problem is that few people trust the media anymore. Perhaps its the biases or, as I've pointed out so many times in the past, that they miss the real story (Come on, CNN. No mention of the giant bug people at all when you covered the shoe thrower...). In an effort to curb this distrust, CNN has hired someone to make the network feel friendly and believable again. They've hired your college roommate.

In a segment I like to call "Jarrett Surfs Youtube," Jarrett Bellini shares popular videos from the internet. In an unbuttoned, untucked shirt and slacker goatee. I feel at home when I watch this segment. It takes me back to my college days when I would be trying to do some homework, something important and serious, and my disheveled roommate would barge in and say, "Dude, you gotta check out this video I just found on youtube." Then he would spend two minutes painfully explaining what makes the thirty second clip he's about to show you funny, which kills all the funny. Afterward, he beats humor's corpse by telling you what you just saw and again, why he thinks it's funny. And before you can blink, he's spending another five minutes prefacing another kinda lame thirty second clip.

Oh CNN, thank you for bringing me back to those golden days of yore. The nostalgic twinge I feel every time Jarrett comes barging into my news broadcast saying, "Dude, you gotta check this out! It's a video of a homeless guy peeing himself" will keep me coming back to your station time and again. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go put on a flannel and go play hackey sack while bemoaning everything that's wrong with the world. Maybe afterward, I'll curl up with a nice blanket, use this massive amount of fluff as a pillow, and dream about begging for extensions on a paper I had all semester to do.

You have been informed.

Writer's Block Will Be the Death of Me

2009-05-06T12:50:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I haven't had any decent ideas for anything to turn my investigative eye on in a while, so I haven't been writing here. I've gotten stumped on my novel even though I know pretty much exactly what I want to say. I'm often unable to come up with adventures for my Friday night gaming group until the very last minute. Even today, while at work, I had an idea for a post here and then poof, gone she went. I can't hold onto an idea to save my life. Because this blog and my future career depend on imparting ideas, I can only assume that means something wants me dead. Some precognitive spirit can see my future and knows that any day now I'll walk down some dark alley and a mugger is going to pull a gun and say, "Give me all your ideas," and I, being unable to provide any, will be shot.

You see, there's an old saying. "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Yeah, he eats, but it'll be a short lifetime from mercury poisoning. I mean, man can't live on fish alone. Maybe it should be "If you teach a man to fish, farm, and probably hunt as well on top of any marketable trade skill you can teach him such as carpentry or gun repair, he eats for a lifetime." But I digress.

The point is, in this economy, it's not enough to get money for today. Everyone wants financial security. A standard Watch-N-Wallet Mugging feeds a man for a day, possibly a week if the watch is a Rolex. But a mugger who steals ideas is investing in his future. A stolen storyline can be turned into a novel, to reap a comfortable residual income over several months or years. Likewise, a stolen innovation can lead to patents that can theoretically ensure even one's children eat for life. A stolen lyric makes its way into a song whose royalties will pay for a Rolls Royce. The intelligent mugger these days will not ask for cash, but rather for stock tips. The creative criminal will not demand an individual's shoes, but rather his clever screenplay pitch.

Thus it will be with me when I walk down that unforeseen dark alley and a man with a gun demands a clever idea for a TV show or blog post, and I will die because of my writer's block.

Note to self: Find out who's out to kill you by keeping you from developing any ideas.

As for the rest of you, keep a notebook of random thoughts in your pocket. It could save your life. Especially if you're prone to traveling down menacing streets at night.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow and Kevin Bacon

2009-05-05T07:52:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the closer we get to the Summer, the busier I'm going to be. Work picks up around that time. Meanwhile, wedding planning is in full force and I've got to pick up extra shifts to save for the honeymoon in between training sessions I'll have to do for my new teaching job, all while preparing to move at the end of July. Plus, I have to find time to spend with Miss Truth (soon to be Mrs. Truth) so that she'll still have me come the end of June. It's been hectic hectic hectic and I'm way behind once again. So here are two sets of ten facts to make up at least for missed Ten Facts Tuesdays. I'll try to do better, but I make no promises.

John Lithgow is one of those beloved Hollywood stars that everyone likes but couldn't you his name. You may remember him as the older guy on Third Rock from the Sun, the crazy bad guy on The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension, the dad from Harry and the Hendersons, or the voice of Lord Farquaad from Shrek. But there’s much more to this versatile actor that you did not know (other than his name).

10 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow:

John Lithgow is one of only two native North American marsupial. The other is the opossum.
John Lithgow has fifty razor-sharp teeth, the most found in any land mammal.
John Lithgow will eat almost any food he comes across including small mammals such as ground-nesting birds, hares, and even baby antelope. He will also eat roots, tubers, and even crustaceans or other marine life near the shore.
John Lithgow spends an estimated two-thirds of his life in the water.
John Lithgow marks his territorial boundaries by whistling.
John Lithgow closes his nostrils and absorbs oxygen through his skin while underwater.
John Lithgow can learn to imitate human vocalizations very well.
John Lithgow can hold his food in one foot and break off pieces to eat with his other foot.
Researchers learn about John Lithgow's eating habits by studying his castings, or pellets of indigestible material such as bones and fur that has been regurgitated.
John Lithgow is so powerful that a single kick at a predator, such as a lion, could be fatal.

As we all know, everyone can be connected to Kevin Bacon in six steps, but here are a few things you may not have known.

10 Unknown Facts about Kevin Bacon:

Kevin Bacon is one of the few members of his biological family that cannot fly.
Kevin Bacon travels across snow and ice by sliding on his belly.
Kevin Bacon can hold his breath for twenty minutes and dive up to 900 feet deep!
Kevin Bacon cannot swim in warm water.
Kevin Bacon has been known to be up to four feet tall!
Kevin Bacon's diet consists primarily of fish, squid, and shrimp that he catches in his mouth.
When Kevin Bacon is ready to mate, he stands with his back arched and arms stretched out, making loud calls and strutting about to attract females.
Kevin Bacon's primary predator is the leopard seal, which prefers him for dinner over any other creature.
Kevin Bacon has soft downy feathers when he first hatches from his egg.
Kevin Bacon has a specialized tongue that is rarely seen. This spiky spiny tongue prevents food from slipping out of his mouth.

You have been informed.

Ghostly Insomnia

2009-04-26T08:22:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, last night I was sleeping soundly, but thirst got the better of me and I woke to wet my parched mouth. The room was noticably warmer than when I went to sleep. No wonder I was thirsty. I rolled over to drink from the cup I had sitting on the night stand. As I did so, I saw a shadowy human shaped figure dart away--emphasis on the shadow part. I woke several times that night, always thirsty, always hot. I only saw ghostly movement once more. The other times I kept my eyes shut. I didn't want to deal with it. Clearly, this ghost is almost certainly Oliver Cromwell who no doubt shut off the air conditioner because he seems to hate all things technological.

Look, Mr. Cromwell, that kind of behavior is uncalled for. England is located roughly between 50 and 60 degrees latitude. Mississippi is sitting smack dab at thirty. I don't think you realize, oh ghost of -ocracies past, what a difference that makes temperature-wise. I've been to England this time of year. It can be kind of nice. But guess what, sunshine, our low temperature today is right where your high is. That's right. You're looking at a low 48/high 67. My place has 67 degrees for our low temperature for today. Mind you, this is presented in Fahrenheit because if you're going to go cutting off my A/C in the middle of the night, I'm not going to exert the effort needed to convert to Celcius for you. Plus, you kinda died before Celsius was established. Granted, you kinda died before Fahrenheit was established as well. How convenient that you should die before science established any reliable temperature gague beyond the Freezing-Cold-Cool-Luke Warm-Warm-Hot-Screw This I'm Going Swimming. Let me guess, all of this death before thermometers was done simply so you could pretend to be ingnorant when you turned off that vital cool air in the middle of the night and then in the morning, be like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know what those numbers mean. I'm a ghost. Oooooo!"

I'm hip to your little games, Cromwell.

You have been informed.

Subscriber Appreciation 2: Electric Boogaloo

2009-04-24T16:13:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that time again. Subscriber Appreciation time, in which we all get to know a little something about each other. Four is my favorite number, you see. Because I've had four new subscribers since the last time I did this, I think it's time to do it again. Four Unknown Facts about Four of you.

Four Unknown Facts about Trevor:

Trevor is a master of bovine teleportation to the extent that a song was written about him.
Trevor knows what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
Trevor's original Craigslist experiment failed to get IRB approval, and as such, he turned to his current project. I won't divulge what, but let's say they the Institutional Review Board has a problem with anything experiment that involves small animals, drywall, and and the unwilling participation of at least three Trail Blazers, regardless of how valuable the hypothesis could prove.
Trevor had a dinner date set up with Tyra Banks until she realized he said he wanted to be America's next top remodeler.

Four Unknown Facts about John:

John has a sixth sense that allows him to locate sweet videos on the internet the way Monterey Jack can detect cheese.
John is a wordsmith in the truest sense of the word. He has an anvil upon which he places red-hot verbs and adjectives and then strikes them until they are something else. He does not do prepositions, though. Those are close class words, and thus, do not smelt as easily.
John once made a phonecall from the TARDIS to his cellphone so the he could have that number handy in case he needed it. Then his phone fell in a pond.
The Kingdom wasn't united until John convinced it to sit down at the table and talk out its differences.

Four Unknown Facts about Debbie:

Debbie speaks Cat, but doesn't know it because cats, upon realizing someone can understand them, speak only kitty gibberish in that person's presence until said individual is convinced it was all a dream.
Debbie does not use Pseudonyms in her blog. Her husband's name really is The Professor. Hence her married name Debbie Professor.
Debbie and her husband are actually stranded time-travellers (from 1976, so it's not as exciting as coming from the future, but still), hence their enjoyment of the works of Jean M Auel and their frustrations with the show The Tudors.
Debbie thinks it is ridiculous that even though pie with ice cream on top is called pie a la mode, no waitress yet has given her jelly when she orders toast a la Bama.

Four Unknown Facts about Excalibur Chicken:

Excalibur Chicken was once plucked from a nest, thus proving that the plucker was destined to be king of nuggets at the fast food restaurant in which he worked.
Excalibur Chicken once received transmissions from David Bowie's telescopic nipple antennae.
Excalibur Chicken once met the Death of Rats.
As is evident from the facts above, Excalibur Chicken does things once and once only.

You have been informed.
You have been informed.

The Somali Economy and You

2009-04-22T11:14:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems every time we turn on the news or open the paper, we find another report of yet another naval incursion by Somali pirates. We shun Somalia; we question their lawlessness. In actuality, however, we should encourage Somalia. After all, the nation has been devastated by internal struggles since it gained its independence in 1960 (along with many other African nations). It's been plagued by one ineffectual government after another. In fact, Somalia's GNP is less than the net worth of at least eighty individuals on the face of the earth, including Bill Gates. That's right. Bill Gates could buy Somalia if he felt so inclined, and still have enough money left over to buy all of its neighbors. In fact, research shows that a large percentage of Somalia's money comes from Somali ex-patriots wiring money to friends and family in the motherland.

What does this have to do with pirates? Thank you for asking, hypothetical reader. With a sizable portion of Somalia's GNP coming from outside of the nation, the country clearly lacks for reliable exports with which to locally sustain its own economy. Somalia does have some agrarian capabilities--bananas are one of their major, one of their only for that matter, exports. These farms, however, provide only 40% of the nation's income. That's forty percent of 5.7 billion dollars, or roughly 2.28 billion dollars from these crops. Somali needed to explore new potential exports. As a coastal country, the fishing industry was a possibility and were it not for the incursion of foreign ships, may very well have been a lucrative one at that. However, being outfished by foreign nations, Somalia had to turn its eyes to the only other logical potential aquatic export: pirates.

Historically, England, France, Spain, China, even the U.S. (or the colonies, to be more accurate) to a lesser degree all possessed markets for pirates. It seemed a wise investment. They could start a pirate industry and sell their pirates to these other countries. Unfortunately for Somalia, the global demand for pirates has dwindled in recent centuries. Upon trying to export their pirates to other countries, Somalia often found foreign nations actively refusing to import the pirates, driving them away at the borders of their waters with large gunboats. Somalia, being thus discouraged, set out to prove the quality of their pirates as both a commodity and an investment.

Currently, Somali pirates control between ten and twenty foreign vessels and several hundred sailors with an average ransom of two million dollars. They're attempting to show the safe return on an investment in Somali Piratestm. After all, these pirates have secured over one billion dollars resale value of merchandise (20% of Somalia's GNP), which can then be resold, adding to a nation's exports, or these ships can be ransomed for a net gain of upwards of fifty million dollars! It's a remarkable return for one's investment in piracy, considering the costs of conducting piracy operations are considerably lower. It's a safer investment than the stock market! Further, cultivating a national pirate industry not only creates jobs and alternative export possibilities, it also promotes economic growth in related industries, such as ship and weapons manufacture, and adds hostages to a nation's list of profitable exports. It's a huge growth industry!

The international community is putting a lot of pressure on Somalia for its pirate industry, but really, we should admire them. They're a country that's truly looking outside the box during these hard economic times for unexplored, reliable means of generating income. Demand may be down for their products and services, but at least they're trying. Further, with the popularity of pirates in film and television growing, it's only a matter of time before demand also rises, which will increase the price for a good pirate. We, as a nation, should invest now before the price per pirate becomes unreasonable. We should encourage this sort of creative problem solving by demanding our senators push to help a struggling third world nation out by purchasing Somali Piratestm of our own. France and England can join suit and we can shake it up like the old days. After all, when was the last time we had a really good naval battle? Fifty, sixty years ago? Too long.

Invest in pirates. They'll turn this economy around.

You have been informed.

Science Outpaces Intelligence!

2009-04-21T11:04:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we continue our effort to make up for lost time, I share with you this disturbing bit of news. For ages, man has feared that the pace at which science and technology grows exceeds the pace at which man's wisdom and intellect, man's ability to make ethical decisions grows. They thought we had reached the outpacing point when we developed the atomic bomb. We'd built a bomb that could level a city, but were we ready to wield that awesome power, to make the kinds of decisions needed to use those bombs responsibly? Instances like that really make us do a cost-benefit analysis on science and technology, but they pale in comparison to the gap between science and reason in this latest technological development. In the past, the question was "Are we morally ready for this innovation?"

Now the question is "Are we intelligent enough to invent this technology in the first place, let alone use it?"

The answer, in this case, is a resounding no. We have officially technologically outpaced ourselves.

I submit to you for your consideration the Big Dog robot.

We've built an advanced robot that looks and moves nothing like a dog and called it a Big Dog. We needn't ask if we're ready for such a robot. The answer is clearly no. These scientists evidently don't even know what dogs look like, and we let them build robots? If anything, it looks and sounds like a bug, and moves like a deer. If these scientists were intelligent and intellectually ready for an innovation like this, they would have named it the Big Bug Deer. But they called it the Big Dog.

And then they kicked it, so clearly they aren't ready for it. They weren't intelligent enough to name it properly, and then they kicked it, showing they clearly don't realize it's unethical to kick a dog, even if it is robotic. Not to sound like a Luddite or seem like I'm siding with Oliver Cromwell or anything, but I think it's time we put the kibosh on technological discovery until we can at least identify common animals and stop abusing robots. After all, robot abuse is always the first step toward robot enslavement/annihilation of humanity.

As further proof that robots are becoming increasingly self-aware, we have reference above to the robo-boogie and this video of robots dancing.

And we all know that according to my modified version of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, dancing is an essential step to self-actualization, the epitome of self-awareness.

Tread more cautiously, science. You're treading in dangerous waters that you aren't mentally ready for.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum

2009-04-21T10:44:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, catch-up continues. We've missed two Ten Facts Tuesdays, so here's your second Ten Facts list to make up for it.

This time, we'll focus our exploratory light on Jeff Goldblum. He acts a lot. He used to sell Macs. He is my almost sister-in-law's not so secret celebrity crush. We all know who he is. Here's a little you probably didn't know about him.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum:

Jeff Goldblum actually has two stomachs so that even his digestive system can keep kosher.
Jeff Goldblum is, according to classified government documents, America's first line of defense against extra-terrestrials.
Jeff Goldblum is immune to the germs that cause the gum disease Gingivitis. Hence, he does not need Listerine.
Jeff Goldblum has catlike balance, and as such, always lands on his feet unless you drop him many times upside down and then drop him right side up, at which point, habit and expectation will cause him to fall awkwardly just like the rest of us.
Jeff Goldblum can make the tastiest pork chops you've ever had in your life. He won't, because he's orthodox Jewish, but he could if he wanted to.
Jeff Goldblum likes Lucy a lot and respects her, and he would like it if they could still be friends, but he just doesn't love Lucy anymore.
Jeff Goldblum trains every day for the zombie apocalypse.
Jeff Goldblum is the modern day incarnation of Spring Heeled Jack.
Jeff Goldblum isn't allergic to dogs, but he is allergic to the word dog, often leading to confusion on the subject.
Jeff Goldblum has an XBox live achievement named after him called Jeff Goldblum, which so far, only he has earned. The requirements needed to earn are that the person must score 10,000 points for a single trick on Tony Hawk's Underground and be Jeff Goldblum.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson

2009-04-21T10:14:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, wow what a hiatus that I didn't mean to take. The day of my last post two weeks ago, I found out Dave Arneson, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons died, and I wanted to do a tribute that wasn't just a ten unknown facts list. I couldn't think of anything, but I wanted that to be my next post. Time passed. I still couldn't think of anything. Then I got caught up in job interviews and wedding plans and work and writing (I've started a novel) and so many other things. So today, two weeks later, I say enough is enough. It's time I get this truth train back on track with something I didn't want to do but if I had, I'd have never derailed in the Andes in the first place...

So, to start my big game of catch-up...

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson:

Dave Arneson was once a member of Flight of the Conchords, but his fear of heights made the band's name hypothetically terrifying and he was forced to quit for anxiety reasons.
Dave Arneson taught John Constantine everything he knows about doing magic and making tea.
Dave Arneson could make eggless quiche.
Dave Arneson was the first Settler of Catan.
It is grammatically correct for DaVe aRNEsON to capitalize any letters in his name that he pleases.
Dave Arneson once genetically crossed a bee and dog so when they played fetch, if the stick accidentally landed on the roof, the dog could get it. Plus, Dog Honey is super tastey. Plus, it was just super adorable.
During the Cold War, Dave Arneson was on the side of Luke Warm.
Dave Arneson was genetically incapable of being a jerk to anyone due to a mutation in his amygdala.
Dave ARneson had an impressive chin bust collection, including busts of the chins of Jay Leno, Bruce Cambell, and Carl Sandberg--who didn't have an impressive chin himself but did write a poem about people with proud chins.
Dave Arneson knew the secret ending to Lost, but took the secret to his grave (believe me, I tried to get it out of him).

It's not much. I wanted to do something more, but I couldn't think of anything, so here's a list for you, Dave. Thanks for helping to provide me with some of my favorite times growing up.

You have been informed.

Captured Populations

2009-04-08T16:35:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may remember Hurricane Katrina from several years ago. New Orleans was all over the news after that, and so much money and so many volunteers poured into the city to help rebuild. Believe it or not, New Orleans was not the only place affected. Every coastal county in Mississippi took heavy damage with extensive flooding and a 27 foot storm surge that moved upwards of twelve miles inland. Even now, almost four years later, driving along the beach, the devastation is blatantly obvious. Rebuilding is slow, and takes a lot of money. We only recently had the last of our destroyed bridges replaced. Still, many places have a lot of work left to do. One city, Bay St. Louis, has found a creative way to help rebuild.

The first thing one needs to understand in the rebuilding process is that it takes a lot of money, often tax money to rebuild and jumpstart a destroyed community. Unfortunately, a number of people who fled from Katrina didn't return. Their homes were gone. Their jobs were gone. There was little to pull them back to the coast. There was little to return to, for that matter. The price of homes skyrocketed because there were so few that came through unharmed, and those who had them didn't want to part with them. Of course, no returning constituents means a loss of tax dollars. Bay St. Louis found a unique solution to the problem.

Detours.

I went to drop off a job application at a school there and found myself taking the scenic route through the entire town as one detour led me into another. There were no fewer than five major road construction projects and that's just what I saw. How does all of this boost populations? As I drove in, I was thwarted by half a dozen detours just getting to the school. I was frustrated, but not deterred. It was only when I attempted to leave that I saw the true evil genius behind their plan. My detour led me to another, which led me to another, which led be back to the beginning. You see, there is a single lane leading into the general vicinity of the school, but all roads leading out are detoured. I was stuck in a vicious, inescapable circle that ran me past dozens of quaint little homes for sale.

It's the perfect plan, really. Ensure that those who enter the city can never leave. Then, when their cars run out of gas, direct them to the lovely three bedroom two bath with a nice lawn their car died in front of. Maybe they'd like to tour it. Take out a loan. Settle down. Have some kids. Pay some taxes. Only then will they tell the new resident of the secret route out of town. By that point, however, it's too late. The poor victim is settled. They don't want to navigate a moving van down through those construction zones and they certainly don't want to sell a house in this market.

I wouldn't be fooled by them, oh no. We cheated. We used parking lots, alleys, and quick trips down one way streets to make our escape. I know what happens in picturesque towns you can't escape from. Housewives butcher people and serve them for dinner. Librarians sprout Cthulhu tentacles and keep their husbands locked in the basement in bondage gear. If not that, it's haunted by ghosts seeking revenge for some age old offence, and that sounds equally unpleasant. No thank you. I made my exit post haste, and informed my fiancee that if I did get that job, she'd have to move there, because they'd never let me escape the same way twice. I'd never find my way out again.

So consider yourself warned. Beware of small, quaint little towns that try to make you detour. It's a trap. It's always a trap. Turn around. Drive backwards down one way streets. Get out of your car and run if you must. But whatever you do, do not do not do not be tempted to buy a house when your car runs out of gas.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Professional Writers

2009-04-07T15:29:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just finished writing a short story whose concept I really love, but the prose doesn't really do it any justice. Such is the story of my life. Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to be a writer. I'm sure that isn't hard to believe considering how many Ten Facts Tuesdays I've done about writers (Wil Wheaton, Philip K. Dick, and Jim Butcher just to name a few). I almost did today's on Isaac Asimov, in part because of my secret desire that I can one day get something published in Analog. Don't get me wrong, his work is great, but I just finished writing something and I would like to see it published if I can ever get a solid draft out of it, so my mind is more on the magazine than the man right now. Regardless, I decided rather than share ten facts about another author this week, I would share ten facts about authors in general so that maybe you guys can get a glimmer of an idea why I want to be a writer, a professional writer, so very very much.

Ten Unknown Facts about Professional Writers

Professional writers are allowed to eat their dessert first if they like.
Professional writers can rewrite anything, even personal histories.
Professional writers are sixteen times more likely to earn an Eagle Talon High Five than non writers.
Professional writers are all members of a super secret club like freemasonry only fun where they can go and hang out and watch TV and play games with other writers whenever they want. (When they're not under deadlines from their editors, that is)
Professional writers all have magic plates that hold 36% more food at buffets, meaning they have to make fewer trips down the crowded food lines.
Professional writers get DVRs that program themselves. Yup. It automatically knows they want to watch Lost.
Professional writers have access to a super secret formula of Diet Doctor Pepper that tastes even more like regular Doctor Pepper.
Professional writers' cars on average get an extra three miles to the gallon.
Professional writers get into all the cons they want for free.
Professional writers can buy their eggs for seven cents apiece in Malta and sell them for five cents apiece and still make a profit.

Just so you know. Sure there are other benefits, like getting paid to share your ideas and your creations with the world, in knowing what you do makes other people happy. And yes, there are drawbacks. Deadlines. Pressure. Rewrites. The unpredictable nature of the work, the unreliability of the paychecks. Even so, it's always something I've wanted to do. Those ten perks> That's just icing on the cake.

You have been informed.

Memories of Murder

2009-04-04T10:06:00.005-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I really enjoy the TV show Law and Order, especially the original before there were a dozen law and order shows. However, something always struck me as odd when I watched the show. How were these gas station attendants and department store clerks always able to remember this one specific person a month or so later? They see hundreds if not thousands of people a day. By the time the police get to them, they've seen 10,000 customers or more, and yet they always have some vivid, but trivial memory of that person.

"Oh yeah, I remember her. She came in here and bought two tv dinners three weeks ago. One meatloaf and one macaroni. She paid with a five. I gave her two dollars and seventy-six cents back. Yeah, I remember her."

I can't dismiss this as bad fiction writing because everyone knows the show is based on real cases and real events. This leads me to one of two conclusions:

Working minimum wage cashier jobs helps develop memory recall in people.
When someone is about to die, those around them, particularly cashiers because they don't have to use as much of their brains at work so they develop psychic powers (as was proven in the book/movie Matilda), can sense it and though they can't identify what it is about this person, they know they should remember them.

Now, both I and my fiancee have worked our share of minimum wage jobs and we are both really absent minded. This, I feel, rules out the first conclusion regarding improved memory recall. Therefore, the latter conclusion must be true. Thus, to help the police and help save lives, if you work a minimum wage job and remember a customer the next day, chances are they've been murdered or will be murdered and you should phone the police with what you know immediately.

You have been informed.

Cruel and Unusual Punishments

2009-04-02T16:05:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's no secret that the U.S. is holding a number of detainees in the war on terror. Note, these are detainees, mind you, not prisoners. Prisoners are tried and convicted individuals who, according to various treaties and conventions, must be treated in certain ways. As detainees, however, we are not subject to rules against cruel and unusual punishments. I believe that the U.S. is doing a fantastic job in this instance of providing a punishment that suits the unspecified crimes. And what is this punishment, you may ask. What are we using to extract our national revenge> Irony.

These detainees, who fought so hard to destroy our American way of excess and privilege, are forced to endure the same cruel privilege and excess that they railed against. That's right. These terrorists and enemy combatants who feel at home in the rigors of third-world poverty are forced to endure not two, but three, three culturally appropriate square meals a day! Oh they shame they would suffer if those at home were to learn of this. And two of these meals are hot! From what I understand they actually must suffer the indecision Americans feel every day when bombarded by an excess of choice. The poor men at each meal must choose between four meal options! Even after a lifetime of practice at navigating the culinary world of privilege have difficultly. It's cruel and wrong to force these individuals to make such unaccustomed decisions before they can eat! We don't force other prisoners to do 1,000 push-ups or beat a super computer in a game of chess before being served, so how do we morally justify making these men, men who've had no practice at choosing what to eat, decide before we give them food> Even more cruel is that these meals are in excess of 4,000 calories! We're forcing obesity, America's epidemic of excessive comfort and wealth, upon them.

They're required to endure the horrors of hot running water. Further, these detainees can't even take pride in finding their own means to keep their government supplied holy Koran off of the floor. We give them a sling to keep it from touching the ground and then paint arrows on the floor pointing the way to Mecca. I understand this is essentially a prison without all of the Geneva Convention restrictions, but really. Must we leave these detainees with no problems to surmount so that they can hold their heads high and call themselves men> They do not need to use the stars to determine directional orientation, so that they may use their wits to prove their devotion to Allah. Likewise, they do not need to improvise clever devices from their clothing to keep their sacred scripture sacredly off of the floor.

They need not ever exert themselves. They do not need to think too hard or work to hard. They are being turned physically and mentally into sheep, with the government giving them all of the answers they will need, telling them where they should go and what they should do, depriving them of the need to think, to reason, to earn their place in the world, to question and problem solve. They are given access to legal council and are allowed to speak on their own defense. They do not need to do an honest day's work to provide their luxury, and thus can take no true pride in what they have. They are forced to eat themselves to death with fatty foods and oversized portions the way so many of us do every day. Their punishment is the most sick and twisted I have ever seen. These men who have fought so hard to bring down the American lifestyle are forced to endure the most ironic punishment man could devise. They are forced to live like Americans.

Geneva needs to put a stop to this sick and twisted mind game.

You have been informed.

The Truth Is...

2009-04-02T10:17:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I couldn't resist. I had a little April Fools fun with you yesterday. I'm sorry to betray your trust, but I figured you'd probably get the joke anyway. Clearly what I said about Oprah was a joke. She doesn't eat cereal and coffee for breakfast. She dines on the crushed souls of emasculated men.

But she really is building a rocket. Oh yes. She really is building a rocket.

You have been informed.

Tiny Brains, My Foot!

2009-04-01T19:20:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

2009-03-31T21:58:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
Al Gore loved Will Eisne r's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini

2009-03-24T19:09:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, today (March 24) is the birthday of the world's most famous magician, Harry Houdini, real name Ehrich Weiss. In his early career, he did feats of escape and transposition with at the time equally famous brother, known as Hardeen (both based their stage names off of French magician Robert-Houdin). Though known for being a stage magician, Houdini's act primarily focused on escapology. His later career focused on debunking fraudulent spiritualists and mediums who claimed to be able to speak with the dead. He also wrote books on magic theory and the tricks of the medium trade. There is, in fact, quite a lot to learn about this amazing individual. Here are ten facts you didn't know.

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini:

Harry Houdini could escape from anything, including awkward blind dates.
Harry Houdini was Hungarian, and was thus, always hungry. Always.
Harry Houdini could take a blow to the stomach from anything, including fists and cannon fire.
Harry Houdini could breathe fire. This was not magic. It was science.
Harry Houdini knew the secrets of the ninja masters but did not use them in his act because he felt they'd make things too easy.
Harry Houdini was the inspiration for Superman due to his ability to outrun speeding bullets and leap tall buildings in a single bound. He couldn't fly, though. That's just ridiculous.
Harry Houdini could make Belgian waffles out of anything, provided he was in Belgium.
Harry Houdini fought the law, and the law lost.
Harry Houdini gained sustenance from applause the way most people gain it from food. Hence, his career in entertainment.
Harry Houdini had a ten octave voice but did not go into a career in music because he couldn't sing on key.

Thrilling stuff, I know. He brought magic to the world and then debunked it, but you had to love him anyway. And now you know.

You have been informed.

Rare hands are not much better than normal hands

2009-03-23T15:14:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, surgery is getting ridiculous. In this tight economy, people are being picky even with their organ transplants. While perusing the news, I saw an article about a man receiving a rare hand transplant. Really> A rare hand transplant> The subheading states that this is the sixth such hand transplant in the nation. Come on, people. Money's tight. Don't flaunt your wealth with your rare hand transplants. Get common hand transplants. Ordinary hands, I'm sure, will work just as well as rare ones. The doctors even say that with all hand transplants, it takes some time before they get full use and early on, small amounts of movement are ordinary. That's right, buddy. You just spent all of that extra money on your rare hand and it isn't even acclimating to your body any faster than a common hand. And the worst of it is that this is the sixth such surgery in this country. Five other people have had that hand grafted to their bodies. A smart consumer would have checked with previous hand owners to see if the rare hand was really worth the extra money. In this economy, we simply cannot be too careful with our purchases. It's up to us to be wise consumers and cut the unnecessary extravagances from our purchases. Our budgets won't fix themselves after all.

You have been informed.

The sleeps... he needs them.

2009-03-21T20:18:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I need sleep. A lot. I mean. A Lot. I have not slept well recently. And last night I was up very late helping some friends of mine get to the bottom of a post-apocalyptic murder mystery. Then I had to go in to work an unscheduled six a.m. shift this morning that, to me, seemed unnecessary. We did nothing but work on a room that doesn't start for five days. That's right. Tables are down. Chairs are down. Linen is down. And it doesn't start for close to a week from now. Evidently, it is more important to get all work done well in advance so yo can get as much sleep as you can later. This validates the theory that some guy put forth a long time ago that states that you work x number of years in your life, so you should just work those years straight through so you can get all twenty-five years of sleep in one terrific dream-filled go. I guess my boss subscribes to that theory, and my place of employment is a meritocracy, so they say. Therefore, that theory must be true. I suppose I'd better get to that 24-7 work so I can take that twenty year nap on my sixtieth birthday. You might want to think about doing the same. It's probably what your boss expects of you anyway.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about William Jennings Bryan

2009-03-19T08:12:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this week's 10 Unknown Facts is about my all-time favorite historical figure. Everyone loves an underdog. Everyone loves a man who gives his all and loses anyway. Today, on his birthday, we celebrate history's greatest loser, William Jennings Bryan. He was a U.S. Representative who ran for Senate and lost. Shortly thereafter, he ran for president on a platform of "Cross of Gold" and Free Silver (coinage of, not the idea of just giving silver away) and lost. He even championed creationism in the famous Scopes "Monkey" Trial (as semi-depicted in the film Inherit the Wind) and lost. In all honesty, he was a running joke in my U.S. history class. My teacher would say, "And guess who he was up against?" and we'd all reply semi-knowingly, "William Jennings Bryan!" and immediately knew who the victor would be in the debate, the trial, or the election. Here are several other things he's lost that you may not have known about.

10 Unknown Facts about William Jennings Bryan:

William Jennings Bryan was abducted by aliens and lost time.
William Jennings Bryan rode a wild bull through the streets of Brazil and managed to stay on, but he lost his lunch.
For a while, William Jennings Bryan thought his wife was having an affair and he lost sleep, but as it turns out, she was just planning a surprise party.
William Jennings Bryan was being chased by the cops after an Ocean's 11 style caper, and he lost the police in a dark alley.
William Jennings Bryan went on a proto=Adkins diet and lost 25 pounds.
William Jennings Bryan--or his ghost at least--is a huge fan of Lost.
As a child, William Jennings Bryan was lost in space. His exploits have been reproduced as a show of the same name. His character was renamed William Robinson.
William Jennings Bryan once told President Taft a joke about a bath tub, but the joke was lost on him.
William Jennings Bryan once was supposed to be downtown for a very important meeting but he got caught up in a battle of wits with extraterrestrials for the fate of the planet and lost track of time.
William Jennings Bryan spent a month trailing Big Foot through the Pacific Northwest. He followed the beast's trail for days and finally found him. He reached for his camera quickly, but lost sight of his prey in the trees and mist.
(Bonus Fact!) William Jennings Bryan lost his temper in 1906 and leveled a city. History has attributed the destruction to earthquakes.

He was a remarkable man with a penchant for losing things. He will be missed.

You have been informed.

Invisible Balls

2009-03-18T17:27:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just saw this music video (posted below) and I must confess, I was astounded.

Not only is the song fun and catchy, but it features invisible basketballs! How amazing is that? Science has gotten to the point where we can safely and effectively augment invisibility technology onto an object whose purpose is to be thrown around and slammed repeatedly against the floor. That, my friends, is one sturdy cloaking device.

The question is why would we go to so much trouble to make invisible something that is both heavily abused and needs to be seen. Some would argue that it's simply experimentation in an effort to create a more sturdy invisibility field generator, presumably to survive the rigors of war. I doubt it thought. Clearly, the purpose behind the innovation was to make basketballs invisible, though it would make the sport ridiculously difficult. After all, could you imagine playing a sport with a ball you couldn't see?

I believe this difficulty is the very purpose sought. The invisible basketball was designed to hinder score inflation. Here in America, we're trying to put on a new face to the world. One that says, "Honestly, we really can do things your way. Honest!" The some of the most popular sports in the world are Soccer, Hockey (field and ice), Volleyball, Baseball, and Tennis. Let's look at the average scores, shall we?

Soccer teams average average one to two points per game depending on ability. This is the world's favorite sport.
Hockey teams average two to three points per game depending on ability.
Baseball teams average only five points per game.
Tennis players may seem to have high scores (forty for the winner), but really, that's just four successful hits.
Volleyball is played in three rounds. Rounds end at no more than 25 points. That's a lot of points in comparison to these other international sports.
Basketball teams average about 65 points per game.

Making the ball invisible would complicate the game. Imagine shooting an invisible ball. Try making a pass to another player when you can't see the ball. And don't even get me started on rebounds. Invisible basketballs reduce scores to numbers more in line with the rest of the sporting world.

You have been informed.

Vampire Remains Found

2009-03-15T09:40:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe today's nugget of truth needs no explanation. Reading the article tells you everything you need to know, but just in case you're busy, I'll give you a quick recap. An archaeological dig in Venice, Italy unearthed the skeletal remains of a female vampire. This tells us six important things.

You can bury something in Venice, even though it's famous for having watery roads.
Vampires can come from places other than Transylvania.
Even vampires like nice warm Mediterranean climates.
Vampires can exist in Italy. Therefore, garlic can't possibly hurt them as much as previously thought.
If you are ever attacked by a vampire, your best defense may not necessarily be a wooden stake to the heart, but rather a brick to the mouth.
Even the Italian government is bent on covering up the truth with their "scientific explanations."

You have been informed.

Why I Don't Trust Renee Zellweger

2009-03-12T19:56:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the longest time, I've found myself put off by Renee Zellweger. I couldn't place my finger on what exactly. Perhaps it's her overall lack of talent or perhaps the "Bugger off, I'm Renee Zellweger" better-than-you air that surrounds her. Either way, for years I've found myself avoiding any movie she's involved with (the exception, of course, being Empire Records because Mark and Lucas are just that cool). Today I figured out why my instincts told me not to listen to her.

She's not human.

Let's look at her face, shall we.

You see that face. It's the same face you always see on her. That "I just ate a lemon and I am confused by everything" face.

The only logical reason for her to have this face on at ALL times is if she has, in fact, always just eaten a lemon and is, in fact, confused by everything. You see, lemon juice is an acid. A person cannot consume so much acid without causing a serious imbalance in the digestive system. That is, of course, unless her body chemistry is much more acidic than a human body. You see, blood is basic. Not that it's a simple thing, but it is a base, and bases neutralize acids. As such, Miss Zellweger must consume additional acids to counteract the bases pumping through her system. Still, a human does not find his body's blood neutralizing all of his acids.

Why would blood, which should be in her body, act against the body carrying it> Because her body is synthetic. She's an android with real, though grown and grafted, flesh covering her mechanical insides, much like the Terminator. Thus the blood, though necessary to feed the grafted skin tissue, then, is not natural to her body. As such, it attacks and neutralizes the acids in her body. Battery acids. She must consume large quantities of lemon, then, to counteract the anti-acidic properties of the blood's basic nature. The constant influx of lemon juice prevents the accelerated wear on her batteries.

This also explains her constant state of confusion. The reason androids disguise themselves as human, the only reason I've ever seen, is to learn about us, to gain information, or as it's called in military applications, intelligence. She's working for those robots trying to figure us out. Trying to bring us down. We need Edward Furlong and Christian Bale to immediately drop her post haste. And they should probably take out Schwarzenegger too. Sure he's governor of California and all, but on at least three different occasions he's portrayed a robot bent on world domination. Ergo, he can't be trusted either.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher

2009-03-10T20:12:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, today on Ten Facts Tuesday we dig deeper into the world of author Jim Butcher. Those of you unfamiliar with his work will of course know of him from the Harry Dresden novels, comics, and tv show. He is also the writer of the Codex Alera books and one Spider-Man novel. He's even married to a romance novelist. But here are a few things I hope you didn't know, because, well, if you did, I'd have to change the name of my column to Ten Barely Known Facts, and that doesn't have the same ring to it.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher:

Jim Butcher was once offered an Eagle Talon High Five, but declined because his hero J.R.R. Tolkien died before the practice was instituted and, to quote the eagles, "You can't high five a man who cannot raise his own arm. It's just a low five." He didn't want the honor if Tolkien didn't have one first. Eagles are currently debating changing their anti-posthumous ETHF stance.
Jim Butcher is a pretender.
Jim Butcher can butcher a bottle of Jim Beam like you wouldn't believe. He doesn't, but he can.
Jim Butcher is not a wizard per say, but he did figure out how to do magic. See List Item 2.
In the summer between high school and college, he worked as a London Chimney sweep just to see if they do dance, sing, and have animated escapades with mystical nannies. And to answer your question, yes. They do.
Jim Butcher goes antiquing on Saturdays, sometimes at the Smithsonian museum.
Jim Butcher once convinced NASA he was an astronaut to sneak about the international space station. See List Item 2.
Jim Butcher can read with his eyes shut. He learned this from the Cat in the Hat.
Jim Butcher doesn't understand the expression "he acts like his (feces) don't stink" because his, in fact, don't.
Jim Butcher was the inspiration for a Foo Fighters song.

He's an interesting guy, that Jim Butcher. I'm glad I could expand your knowledge of him just a little bit more. Until next time,

You have been informed.

Kidnappers for Jesus

2009-03-10T11:03:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems I'm constantly missing two and three days at a time. This time I've been working ten to twelve hour days and slipping into a NyQuil coma as soon as I get in thanks to this cold or flu or whatever it is that's been getting me down lately. I've been meaning to share something for the past few days and could never stay awake long enough to write it down.

Christian church groups, particularly "non-denominational" groups are abducting children in broad daylight. I know this may come as a shock. It shocked me, but the more I looked at the evidence, the more obvious it became. As children, I believe we were all raised by our parents to follow two simple rules to ensure our safety.

NEVER get into a stranger's car.
NEVER take candy from a stranger.

I cannot speak for your childhood, but I know when I was growing up here in the Bible Belt, there were things called Church Buses. They were typically old school buses that had been painted blue and white (they were always white with blue trim, and I don't know why). They would randomly drive through the neighborhoods taking people to church, stopping every random person they saw asking if they wanted to climb aboard and go to church. I did not know these people. I did not attend their church. Still, every week, especially during summer, they would drive down my street, see me playing in my front yard, and try to get me to go to church with them.

How would they try to convince me to climb onto this stranger's big scary bus? Candy. "Hey kid, you wanna climb on my bus and go to church with us? We've got candy!" Clearly, religious groups were trying to kidnap me when I was a child. If only I knew why. It couldn't possibly have been for ransom money. My parents were poor beyond poor. I am almost certain as a child we lived below the poverty line. Why would they do it? Why would they want to kidnap me?

My suspicion, of course, is that they were preparing for the end times, you know, the ones described in the bible where the dead rise up and there are dragons and the like. I assume that these kidnappers for Christ were attempting to raise an army of holy avengers for the coming Armageddon. Naturally they would watch to raise their warriors from childhood. After all, if Star Wars has taught us nothing else, it is that unless you train your warriors from early childhood, they'll grow up to be whiny upstarts who kill everyone and give bland "pretty boy" acting performances.

But then, I never got on that bus, so this is all conjecture.

Did anyone else have this experience during childhood? Can anyone confirm these holy warrior theories?

You have been informed.

Mr. Truth, Sith Lord?

2009-03-06T08:21:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I suspect my place of employment is run by Sith Lords. I used to be a nice, friendly, genial guy before working there. I suppose I still am. Ever since I started working there, I found myself losing my patience much faster than usual, becoming angrier and more full of hate and spite. Fortunately this growing hatred of people hasn't spread home yet. It seems I'm only under their thrall within the confines of its walls. For now. Regardless, the fact is Sith Lords thrive on anger and passion and intense feelings (usually more anger). What does my work produce? Anger and passion and intense feelings (again, usually more anger). Further, a couple of years ago at an employee of the month luncheon, my boss recommended a Star Wars theme. Oh sure, everyone assumed it was because he was a big nerd, but the truth of the matter is he looked pretty convincing in that Sith Lord outfit he wore. He even had a Sith name for himself: Darth Hall.

There can be no mistake. I work for the Sith and I have no way to defeat them alone. I need an astromech droid to send a message to wherever astromech droids go when they have messages to deliver. "Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

You have been informed.

I'm so confused

2009-03-03T18:54:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been doing some thinking. Lately, I've had the very best intentions of sitting down to research and uncover some long lost truths, but I find myself perpetually distracted by movies and games and tv and quality time with the fiancee. All of this is fun, but it keeps me from investigating the truth. I now find myself at a moral and logical dilemma that I must resolve.

Learning and seeking the truth is Good. Therefore, that which keeps me from seeking the truth is Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships keep me from seeking the truth. Therefore, games, movies, TV, and relationships are Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are also Fun. Because these things are Fun and also Evil, we must conclude that Fun is Evil. Fun leads to Happiness, which makes Happiness also Evil. The United States Constitution guarantees all the right to the pursuit of happiness. Therefore, the United States Constitution guarantees all the right to pursue Evil. If, as they say, the most feared Evil is the Indifference of the Good, that is the Good that allows Evil to flourish, then the United States Constitution must be Evil. If the Constitution is Evil, than anything that bases its governmental philosophy upon it must likewise be Evil. Those who act to destroy Evil are Good. Terrorists seek to destroy the United States, which is Evil. Terrorists must therefore be Good.

Except that Terrorists deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence, all of which are Evil. Those who deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence must therefore also be Evil. Evil cannot abide Good, and seeks to destroy it. Therefore, that which Evil opposes must be Good. Terrorists oppose the United States Government, so the United States Government must be Good. The Good cannot draw their morality on Evil philosophies. Therefore that on which the United States Government bases its moral precepts, the United States Constitution, must be Good. That which is good cannot condone Evil. Therefore, the pursuit of Happiness must be Good. If pursuing Happiness is Good then Happiness itself must be Good. Fun is a means to pursue Happiness. Therefore, Fun is Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are Fun and so must therefore be Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth. Again, the Good must attempt to thwart that which is Evil. Therefore, because games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth, and games, movies, TV, and relationships are Good, then pursuing the Truth must be Evil. If Happiness is good because pursuing Happiness is Good, then we are finally forced to conclude that the Truth must be evil because pursuing it is evil, which ultimately means lying is Good. If lying is Good then I've been doing this blog all wrong. Rather than seeking out the truth, I should have been making stuff up, exaggerating, and jumping to absurd, sensational conclusions based on the tiniest shred of fact if anything at all.

I find myself at an impasse. Because logic cannot make up its mind on whether things are Good or Evil, I am forced to sit back for a moment and contemplate the moral imperative behind this blog.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan

2009-03-03T13:24:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of his birthday, this week's 10 Unknown Facts segment is about Canadian actor James Doohan. That name may not be familiar to some of you, but perhaps if I gave you the name Mongomery "Scotty" Scott, it would. James Doohan played the Chief of Engineering on the original Star Trek series, which inspired numerous individuals to pursue degrees in science. He developed the "first draft," so to speak, of the Klingon language for the show. He also served in World War II (even losing a finger to machine gun fire), and once saved a fan's life. He was an amazing guy. Here are a few amazing things about him you may not have known.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan:

When Scotty told Captain Kirk that he was giving him all the Enterprise had, James Doohan would sigh on the inside knowing that if he were there, he could give a little more.
James Doohan could recite Pi. All of it.
James Doohan once led a camel through the eye of a needle to give his rich friends hope.
During WWII, James Doohan would volunteer for two shifts on the nightwatch. He would take the first one and when he got tired, his mustache would take the second.
James Doohan could fly any plane including a Euclydian plane.
Despite his degree from the Milwaukee School of Engineering being honorary, James Doohan could still rewire a damaged warp coil if he needed too.
James Doohan not only helped invent the Klingon language, he also helped invent leetspeak (1337 5p34k) and English.
James Doohan coded a biometric lock to his missing finger, making it impossible for anyone to unlock it without putting the absence of his finger on the fingerprint scanner (it's a lot harder than it sounds).
James Doohan fought the law and the law did not win.
James Doohan built his own rocket so that he could be there on the moon waiting to photograph man's first step on an unearthly body.

He was truly an amazing man. Some say he was the kindest of all of Star Trek's cast members. In July of 2005, he passed away and boldly went were all of us are destined to go: to the undiscovered country (and I'm not referring to the set of Star Trek VI.)

You have been informed.

Why People Are Jerks

2009-02-28T22:38:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, how many times have customers yelled at you for getting their orders wrong even thought it was their fault? How often do you find yourself cut off in traffic by some angry guy who never learned to use his turn signal? Have you noticed how the likelihood of someone being a self-righteous jerk is directly proportionate to the individual's failure to adequately communicate what that person wants, be it no pickles or to make a left turn?

I used to assume that because these people are jerks, they take for granted that everyone will know exactly what they want based on some misguided sense that the world revolves around them. In other words, the poor communication stems from egocentric laziness. As it turns out, the truth is much more tragic.

There are psychics among us, telepaths mostly. The world is full of individuals capable of projecting their thoughts into the minds of others. Unfortunately, there are also those among us (most of us, it seems) who are unable to receive these telepathic messages. Thus, when working in, say, a movie theater box office, you may find yourself receiving an order that sounds something like this: "Can you tell me which is better? I want to see a different one, but she wants a repeat," or perhaps simply, "I'll take two" with no statement for movie or showtime or that one of these tickets is supposed to be a child's ticket.

The poor telepath becomes frustrated when you are unable to complete his order or answer his questions. It isn't as though he didn't give you all of the information. About half of it, he said out loud. The other half he thought, expecting you to be able to read his mind. After all, if you grow up able to read other people's minds, you tend to forget that others can't do the same. Orders get botched and our psychics are become angry when you swear they only said, "I'll take two," when they clearly said mentally "children's tickets to the 4:30 Cinderella."

These individuals believe everyone has telepathy and those who don't are simply too lazy or self-centered to pay attention when the psychics are thinking at them. The fact of the matter is, people aren't jerks, which leads to bad communication and arguments. Quite the opposite. They truely believe no one is paying attention when they mentally signal that they plan to change lanes and are enraged at the total disregard others seem to give their psychic communications. They're jerks to the rest of us because they think we deliberately never listen to them when they explain themselves so clearly.

This also explains how so many jerks are able to communicate with one another with but a look. Each party can send and receive these psychic messages.

You have been informed.

Throwing Caution to the Wind

2009-02-26T20:10:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just saw one of the most inspiring articles ever. Someone opened a topless coffee shop, and I'm not talking about the roof. The servers wear no shirts. This article makes me happy beyond belief. Finally, we see a business man with courage. We see someone not afraid of ridiculous, frivolous lawsuits. You may remember the hot coffee lawsuit from McDonald's several years ago. A woman sued McDonald's after she spilled a cup of hot coffee and burned herself. This new restaurant dares to say, "We think lawsuits over hot coffee being hot are so stupid, we want our servers to have NOTHING in between our hot coffee and their bare, easy to burn chests. Except a cup. And probably a foot to a foot and a half of space depending on how they hold the cup."

This pleases me to no end. Finally, someone is standing up to the money-grubbing consumers who want a free meal and several million dollars for being surprised when hot coffee is hot. There are no other reasons a person would open a topless restaurant. Or at least, none that I can think of. Honestly, I can think of no reason to open a restaurant in which customers could stare at a half-naked person other than to make a statement on the excessive, gimme-gimme nature of tort lawsuits in our times.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Zeppo Marx

2009-02-25T20:56:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the kingdom of Classic Film, the Marx Brothers easily reign supreme as the court jesters (that's right, Three Stooges, I said it). Of the five (Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo), three were big names. The other two, Gummo and Zeppo, for the most part chased their own path through this great big world of ours. It just so happens that today is the birthday of Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. I bet you didn't know that. Heck, you probably didn't even know who Zeppo Marx was. Not many people do. But he was an amazing person. He was allegedly the funniest of the brothers in real life, even though he often played the straight man in the films. He was also a successful inventor. You probably didn't know that either. Heck, most everything I include here probably counts as an unknown fact, but as a kindness, I'll share some truly unknown facts about this much maligned Marx.

10 Unknown Facts about Herbert "Zeppo" Marx:

Zeppo Marx could play any musical instrument in the world, whereas his brothers were only known for playing one or two.
Zeppo Marx invented an automatic cereal pourer, but disassembled it when, out of concern for his health, it would only pour skim milk on his corn flakes.
Zeppo Marx could inflate himself like a zepplin and fly around. This is not the basis for his name and is merely a coincidence.
Zeppo Marx is not biologically related to Karl Marx, the communist, but is related to the Zippo.
Zeppo Marx could reproduce sexually or asexually.
Zeppo Marx's bones were hollow, which made it easier for him to fly in his zepplin form.
When Zeppo Marx and his four brothers' powers combined, they created the most powerful (and quick witted) robot ever: MechaMarx! (not to be confused with their nemesis MegaMart).
Zeppo Marx could debone an entire fish in fifteen seconds flat without any special tools.
Zeppo Marx could be abandoned in any location on the planet with nothing but a swiss army knife and in five days, not only will he have survived, there's an 83% chance he will have built an independent coffee house (he could build a Starbucks, but isn't into franchises).
Zeppo Marx can gain nurishment from carpet, drapes, and most linens.

There you have it. Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. He may be one of the most overlooked Marx Brothers, but he's still amazing, even if he didn't get the best jokes on screen.

You have been informed.

The Return of the Barter System

2009-02-24T09:04:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been absent for a few days. I've been insanely busy keeping an eye on those vampires. They haven't really been up to much lately. All I really learned is that any museum owned by a vampire will be attacked and/or damaged about once a month. No, the real research I've done lately is into the economy, holidays, and a possible solution to our financial woes. Let me begin.

Today is Fat Tuesday, or as we celebrate it here in the South, Mardi Gras. Down here, schools let out, banks close, parades fill the streets causing traffic to come to a grinding, screaming, dancing halt, and people party like it's the day before forty consecutive days of anti-fun. Because it is.

The most important thing to take from Mardi Gras in these times, however, is the notion of beads. They're cheap. They're plastic. They're given away for free. Even so, for a few days a year, they're practically legal tender. With beads, you can obtain beer, moon pies, nudity, and so many other things. It's a debauched barter system. But for a few days a year, it works.

My question is, if it's good enough for an entire region of the country, why can't the rest of the nation use it? It could jumpstart the economy. There may be a dollar deficit, true, but surely there must be a bead surplus. Why else would they be thrown out freely at Mardi Gras parades? Further, even though they are free to come by, you can still purchase valuable goods and services with them. It's an ideal new currency: abundantly available without risk of value deflation (at least, not until Ash Wednesday, when everything you can buy with beads becomes something to avoid for the next month and a half).

Can you imagine the financial peace of mind you'll feel when your mortgage payment comes due, and though you have no money in the bank, you know you can simply pay for your land with a bunch of beads? There's even a historical precedent for in the U.S. for buying land with beads, so it shouldn't be too difficult a system to reinstate. What could possibly go wrong?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a parade to go to, and they're throwing out free plastic money on a string.

You have been informed.

Wireless Internet is Dead

2009-02-21T09:52:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, my internet was being appallingly bad yesterday. I was trying to use Skype in the dining room for my own nerdy gaming purposes but couldn't get a wireless signal on the laptop. A couple steps over into the kitchen and the signal was just fine. I found it strange the way the signal seemed to stop dead at the door between the two rooms. It puzzled me that the signal could travel through several walls to get to the kitchen, but couldn't move two more feet through an open door. Perhaps Oliver Cromwell had something to do with it. After all, even in the best of spots, the internet cuts out for seemingly no reason.

At that moment, lightning struck my brain.

At least metaphorically. Or rather, metaphorically in relation to the lightning, not the brain. Let's try that again.

At that moment, metaphoric lightning struck my real brain. (true, it lacks the panache of the first attempt, but this is clearer, and clarity does not obscure the truth).

Wireless internet connections are ghost powered. It makes so much sense.

Facts About Ghosts:

Ghosts can walk through walls.
Ghosts emit an electro-magnetic frequency.
Ghosts are bound to the items, people, or locations they haunt and cannot go beyond a certain radius of that item, person, or location.
Ghosts, specificaly Oliver Cromwell, are against technology, specifically my technology.

Facts About Wireless Interent Connections:

Wireless signals can go through walls.
Electronics, including wireless devices such as routers, emit electro-magnetic frequencies.
Wireless signals are bound to the item that generates them, and thus you cannot get a signal beyond a certain radius of the router.
My wireless signal fails all the time, suggesting it's against being a properly working piece of technology, specifically my technology.

Do I really need to spell it out more? It is abundantly clear and painfully obvious that wireless router "factories" are actually filled not with blue collar workers but cabals of technowizards who bind spirits--possibly spirits of communicatiosn experts, but really there's no way of telling without a Ouija board or going to the factory--to an access port in a router. The router is plugged into an ethernet cable. The ghost, being bound not to the cable, but the port cannot go running wild through the 'net. So what does it do? It seeks out other ports within a radius of its haunting place--the router--trying to find a way to be free. Perhaps the other port that it found will release it. Alas, no. So the ghost spends its days moving at the speed of though back and forth between all the wireless ports it can reach, trying to find the one that it can escape from. Meanwhile, every time it reaches a new port, he is forcibly injected with raw data, almost certanly an uncomfortable experience. So the next port he comes to, he purges this data into the other connection site, only to find it forcing more data back in. That's how wireless intercomputer communication works. And sometimes the spirit gets frustrated and refuses to run around anymore. Further, being a ghost, Oliver Cromwell could interact with it physically (well, physically for the ghosts at least), meaning he could actively attempt to stop the ghost from providing signal to my computer. After all, he overthrew a monarchy. Surely he could stop a ghost from running in circles.

It makes so much sense that I'm shocked I didn't discover this sooner. After all, we even have an expression about there being a "ghost in the machine." Why didn't it occur to me that it could be--and in fact is--a literal ghost?

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

2009-02-19T08:04:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I completely missed Ten Facts Tuesday. You would think a regularly scheduled thing with an alliterative title would be easy to remember, but no. It seems to slip my mind all the time. I always remember that it's Sunday (when the new schedule at work is posted), Monday (because I usually have to work the first day of the new schedule), Wednesday (because it's Lost Night), Thursday (because it's the day after Lost and the day before gaming), Friday (because it's Game Night), and Saturday because that's when my teacher friend can hang out. Yet, for some strange reason, I never remember that it's Tuesday, and it has more of a reason for me to remember it that Thursday. How strange.

Your Ten Facts this week are about Mr. Fred Rogers. You may remember him as the guy from your childhood who always wore a cardigan and sneakers and his neighborhood was populated by puppets. Mental Floss recently did a list of 15 facts about what made him so great. This really sparked my desire to learn more about everyone's favorite neighbor. This is what I learned.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

Mr. Rogers's friendship with a certain member of the X-Men named Storm allowed him to ensure that every day was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
When not producing high quality children's programing, Mr. Rogers would travel the country in his Impala killing ghosts and monsters. The show Supernatural is based on his exploits.
Mr. Rogers was granted special permission by Congress to establish a sovereign nation of make-believe within the borders of the United States, though convincing the Senate to allow that nation to be a monarchy took substantially more effort.
Mr. Rogers had a magical set of keys that could open any door, thus granting him access to all of those dangerous factories and animal cages he seemed to love to visit so often on his show.
Mr. Rogers could shrink down to a height of four inches, which allowed him to ride Trolley into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
Mr. Rogers's encouragement to love ourselves and each other prevented a militant alien invasion. The aliens were close to Jupiter and were moving in fast when the intercepted an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. They decided that war wasn't the way to go and instead returned home after redirecting an asteroid that would have killed us all years ago.
Mr. Rogers never had to deal with unpleasant glares on his TV, windshield or anything else thanks to his polarized corneas.
Mr. Rogers could communicate with his fish.
Mr. Rogers literally did not know the meaning of the word "hate," which helped him stay kind but sometimes made it difficult to explain things to him.
Mr. Rogers wrote a lot of songs, this is widely known. What isn't widely known is that if all of Mr. Robers's previously unreleased material were put out on CD, he would have over one hundred times more posthumous albums than 2Pac (currently five, with a possible sixth).

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for Mr. Rogers fans. Fifteen unknown facts from Mental Floss and ten more here. That's 25 unknown facts about Mr. Rogers for you readers today! I hope you enjoyed them as much as we enjoyed growing up with him.

You have been informed.

Healthy Hearts are Hard to Manage

2009-02-18T22:14:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, at work this week, we're hosting the American Heart Association's "Go Red Symposium for Women's Heart Health," or something along those lines. There were so many information booths on women and heart disease, I was in cardio-estrogen heaven. What surprised me most is how much goes in to maintaining good heart health in women. You think it's pretty simple, don't you? Eat right. Avoid fatty foods and salty thing. Walk regularly. Exercise. I thought proper femenine heart health was that simple too. I was wrong.

At the symposium, there were a number of booths, as is to be expected. They had booths for Lipitor, good cardio workouts, classes on cooking healthy meals. All of these are things you would expect at a convetion dedicated to helping women manage heart disease. To my surprise, however, they also had booths run by Merrill Lynch dedicated to managing investments, or a dermatologist telling how their lasers can get rid of aging lines and make you feel ten years younger. There were booths for makeovers and art studios, fashion and purses and grooming. As it turns out, all of these are vital to maintaining a healthy cardiovascular system.

I know, it's hard to believe. I didn't believe it at first myself. But looking at it logically, this must be the case. There would be no reason to discuss the stock market or looking pretty at a symposium dedicated to heart health unless these issues directly related to the overall wellness of the circulatory system. With women, it seems, a holistic approach must be taken to ensure a properly running heart. In retrospect, I should have long suspected as much. Folk wisdom tells us a woman's heart is fragile, and dont' fragile things require additional care and maintanence? Men, when your wife or fiancee or girlfriend or sister is taking forever choosing which heels best match her ensemble, for heaven's sake, don't rush her. It's not just an outfit she's coordinating; it's also her health.

I would like to point out to my male readers that this was a symposium for women. In my life, I must admit that I have never seen a symposium for men's heart health. I've never been asked to Go Red for Men (or Go Blue for that matter). I must therefore conclude that heart health for men is much simpler than it is for women, simple to the point that we do not need a week long convention to discuss what is necessary: exercise and healthy eating habits.

You have been informed.

Yes, Definitely a Witch

2009-02-17T19:36:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence (I do that so often). My girlfriend's witchiness has once again caused technology in her presence to go kaputt. In the past 2 days, I've restored her operating system five times and reformatted her hard drive twice (and reinstalling various programs accordingly). Her computer wasn't even hooked up to the internet. No viruses. No spyware. It just kept acting up. Clearly, she possesses magical abilities. Which, I suppose, explains why her pastries paste so darn good. The secret ingredient isn't love, oh no. It's the dark arts. Arts as dark as the chocolate in her cupcakes.

The other reason for my absence is the increasingly frustrating work. I suspect that the higher one goes up in any employment hierarchy, the more of one's soul and-or mind it takes. A conspiracy is clearly afoot, because this happens at every job I've worked. The hierarchy is built around a machine, which is capable of surgically extracting portions of the victi-patient's soul or brain direction proportionate to the amount of authority they have. Thus, the more authority one is granted, the more soul or mind is removed. Promotion is met with operation. This clearly explains why the higher up the food chain you go, the dumber and more evil leadership becomes. That's the what, when, and how. The who, I'm guessing, is either the Illuminati or the forces of Evil. The only thing I have yet to determine (other than where they store this machine), is the where. Where do they keep it> That and, when you're promoted, do you have to choose one track, soul or mind, and then stick with it the whole way, or do you get to choose with each promotion, what you give up>

You have been informed.

Kenny Chesney is a Tool

2009-02-15T14:39:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been rumors flying around about Kenny Chesney since Renee Zellweger annulled him, citing fraud. Kenny Chesney, however, cleared up rumors in a recent interview in which he revealed he isn't gay, he's just a tool. You know the guy who shows up at your party and drinks all of your beer before regaling everyone present about the many women he slept with, thus scaring away every woman at the party including your girlfriend (who, incidentally, now thinks you're friends with a date rapist)> Kenny Chesney is, evidently, That Guy. He spoke at some length about how many women he slept with ("Man, I was over 100 several years ago," a milestone he claims happened "probably back in 2001"). The "long line" of women the singer allegedly had relations with could testify to the fact that he's not gay, or at least they would if any of them came forward to testify.

Still, Chesney swears that "from 1993 to 1998" there were years when he had a better summer than A-Rod, that he was constantly "on the boards." From all of this bragging and boasting, it's clear to tell that he is, in fact, That Guy. Even so, how does the "fraud" claim fit in> Let's examine this a bit more carefully.

He claims, quite vocally, that he's been with over 100 girls. The only people I know who go on and on and on about how many women they've been with are those who have been with numbers much closer to zero. Chesney a virgin> It appears to be true. After all, he admitted himself that he was "on the boards quite often." He wanted us to think he meant the bed, but clearly he was referring to internet forums and BBS networks, posting and chatting and probably asking about which episode of Star Trek Evil Wesley Crusher was in. Chesney isn't in the closet, at least not about being gay. He's a closet nerd. It all makes perfect sense. The "fraud" charge doesn't relate to his sexual preference. Renee Zellweger, after hearing his stories about what a dynamo he was in bed, was expecting Don Juan. Instead, she got Data from Star Trek. The fraud in question is clearly his failure to live up to his grand stories about his prowess.

You have been informed.

My Girlfriend, the Witch

2009-02-14T23:03:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, don't tell her I said this, but I think my girlfriend is a witch. I don't mean she's mean. She's very nice. I don't mean she's Wicked Witch of the Westy either. Her skin tone is a shade of peachishness that falls easily within genetic norms. However, technology, specifically her computer, fails for her. All the time. The internet, for instance, is in a state of constant lagging out and crashityness. In fact, yesterday, it took me several attempts to finally post, as the laptop developed a persnickity habit of timing out every time I hit the post button, sending me back to the drawing board to rewrite the post.

How does this make her a witch> I've been reading the Harry Dresden books. Maybe you've heard of them. They're about a wizard who lives in Chicago. His name is Harry Dresden, as you may have guessed. According to Mr. Dresden, if you do magic, technology rebels against you and fails just to spite you. Given her bad luck with electronics, this clearly means she's a possessor of supernatural abilities. Granted, I'm not one to prejudge a person exclusively on their ability to perform paranormal feats. That's profiling, and that's wrong. If the witch hunters from Old Boston are correct on the subject--and they must be, or else they wouldn't have killed those girls all those years ago, she gained her magic through congress with the Devil, which may sound bad, but really, if she got anything out of congress, good for her. That's more than most people I know have ever been able to do. Ever.

I guess the moral of the story is if someone you know has a problem with electronics, tell them your concerns about the economy, the war, or any other problem you see with the state of the world and maybe they can get congress to do something about it.

You have been informed.

Amazing Discoveries!

2009-02-13T18:53:00.007-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, researchers have come across one of the most Earth-shattering discoveries ever unearthed by science. As it turns out, people who experience a fear of flying actually become more afraid after being bombarded by news articles about plane crashes. I thought for sure those who feared plane crashes would simply see these articles and come to accept that dying in a plane crash was an inevitable part of life and would thus lose all fear and climb aboard the next 747 to land in their area. And it's on CNN too, so you know it must be true. I never would have believed it otherwise. Further more, they say to overcome these fears when on an airplane, the trick is to breathe slowly, think peaceful thoughts, and remain calm. Is there no limit to what science can discover> Next thing you know, they'll discover that getting shot increases your anxiety around guns or that ghost stories will make it harder for children to sleep at night. Will wonders never cease>

In other news, scientists have discovered a means for viewing mummies still in their sarcophagi. It's amazing what they can do with CT scanners these days, but why is CNN missing the big story> According to one researcher he could "recognize this individual if (he) saw her in life." It's a heck of an image, I'll give them that, but she (the mummy) looks like one of any number of mummies I've seen. And yet, this man recognizes her. Sure, we would all recognize her if we saw her walking around these days. She'd be the only walking corpse about (until the zombie plague, at least). Still, he said he would recognize her in life. From that picture, that would be quite some feat. Unless of course, the researcher himself is 3,000 years old. He did, after all, know that she was a multi-tasking hardworking woman, a singer even. How could he know that unless he was there> Was she buried with her resume in hopes of obtaining a better job in the afterlife> That may explain how he knew what job she did, but how did he know she was hard-working> Everyone knows a resume is designed to make you look like you work harder than you actually do. For this man to know she was hard-working and industrious unless he knew her personally> The most startling part about this whole news report is that they left out the part about the 3,000 year old scientist. Oh, CNN. You managed to catch the Earth shattering, reason defying discovery about reports of plane crashes scaring those afraid to fly, but you missed the obvious story about a man three millennia old> You're slacking, CNN. I expect more from you in the future.

You have been informed.

Robot Armies

2009-02-11T19:19:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember just a post ago when I was talking about Tesla and atomic robots> It looks like we will be having that robot army with or without everyone's favorite Mad Scientist. At first, I find myself thrilled by this prospect. I grew up salivating over anything with robots, the bigger the better. Battletech, Robotech, Voltron, Transformers, even Robot Jox and Space Balls. How amazing, then, would it be to have real armies of real giant robots flying through space and fighting like 50' mechanical ninjas with rocket launchers> Can you imagine anything more awesome> I submit to you that you cannot.

Still, reading the article, I can't help but be concerned, worried even. No, I'm not concerned about an "inevitable rise" of "super intelligent AIs." We have the Three Laws to keep us safe in the case of automatons. Likewise, I'm not afraid of enslavement in a virtual world by robots who offered us paradise only to have our psyches unable to accept it. No, what concerns me is nothing less than science and "reason" defecating all over a childhood, nay, a lifetime worth of dreams.

The reason for creating this army of robots is thus: "reduced casualties."

Reduced casualties. Reduced casualties> That means people don't get killed. Sure that sounds nice and wonderful, but let's consider this, shall we> If people don't get killed, then people can't possibly be piloting them. I'm sorry, but I don't know that I can live in a world with giant walking war machines if I can't hop in the cockpit and dispense some massive mechanical justice. You know what happens when you make giant robots with no pilot> They hunt down all of your super heroes. That's what. And that's also a world I can't abide.

Robot armies: good. Robot armies that I can't pilot: bad.

Call your Congressman (or other elected official) and let them know, casualties be damned. We want giant robots that we can ride in.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Nikola Tesla

2009-02-11T17:01:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am slacking lately. I mean, wow. Two days in a row I've missed and one was a Ten Facts Tuesday! To make up for it I'm going to... well, it's hardly anything special. I'm going to do Ten Facts a day late and I'll do another post today. About something. I haven't decided what to research yet. But for now...

Today is Thomas Alva Edison's birthday, and to celebrate, I'm going to write ten commemorative facts about Nikola Tesla. Tesla was the original mad scientist. He invented a form of electricity that not only didn't kill you, but went everywhere and looked cool and made you feel like you had lightning powers. He theorized that with a series of precisely timed explosions, you could split the planet in half. I bet if he'd have lived longer and not lost funding, he'd have built an army of atomic robots. It's the world's loss.

10 Unknown Facts about Nikola Tesla:

The TV show MacGyver was based on Tesla's boyhood shenanigans.
Jules Verne not only predicted nuclear submarines, but also Nikola Tesla.
Nikola Tesla knows how Ted Mosby met his wife.
Nikola Tesla can fly. Seriously. And not with one of his inventions. Just. Fly.
By the way, for those of you wondering about the present tense verbs, Tesla totally invented a way to live forever, but his resentment of Edison keeps him from sharing with anyone who's never had an Eagle Talon High Five.
Nikola Tesla taught Barney Stinson about meeting women.
Nikola Tesla's socks fold themselves.
Nikola Tesla is the only person in recorded history to shoot a four-pointer in basketball.
Nikola Tesla formed a rock band with Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde. He was the drummer, and as such, they didn't let him write any songs.
Nikola Tesla fired an apple into orbit using a rubber band and a paperclip, which he also invented, though credit was given to someone else.

He was an amazing man, to be sure. So amazing only David Bowie could play him in the movie The Prestige (an homage to Tesla's rock band days. Did I mention he invented rock music too>). So, to celebrate Thomas Edison's birthday, I provided ten amazing facts about his underrated rival.

You have been informed.

American Men Hate Zen

2009-02-08T09:19:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the past I've discussed how dancing is vital to our road to self-actualization. At work recently, we hosted a dance competition, and I was at first pleased. It was wonderful to see so many Americans taking those vital steps to ensure they're able to mentally and socially reach their fullest potential. There were so very many people dancing. Then the judges announced the winners, and I was shocked to hear that almost every male in the competition was European. It seemed there were no American males dancing. If these men aren't dancing, then they'll never be able to really develop their cognitive capacities or healthy relationships. They'll never be able to understand their true purpose in life. Men of America, get out there and dance or this country will be left in the dust on the global scene. Leaders of other countries will dance and make intelligent decisions. We can't trust our leaders unless they dance. Otherwise, they'll spend their whole term going after food, shelter, safety, and sex and not make any long term goals or focus on more broad quality of life improvements.

You have been informed.

Soul Sucking Job

2009-02-07T17:31:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, my place of employment is, I believe, run by the devil. Every day I feel less and less like a person when I report for work, and the soul is what makes you you. Therefore, my job must be sucking out my soul. That's why I didn't post yesterday. After work, I was barely able to remember who I was and what my mission is: to bring truth to the world. Today, too, left me a nigh soulless husk of flesh. But one back massage later and I'm here to report that, just like your parents told you growing up, Satan really does want to subvert the truth. I can attest to that personally. I feel totally subverted.

You have been informed.

Slacker Brain Disorder

2009-02-05T18:52:00.005-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, a CEO recently wrote a book about being fired from the company he founded and being "saved" by Starbucks. Some might argue that "saved" is a strong word. Sure he was unemployed and life didn't look so great, but was his life really in danger> The answer is a surprising yes. According to his book, after he was fired, he also was divorced and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Life turned around, it seems, when he was hired on to make coffee and "make a toilet shine like a Ferrari."

I don't know how to add a graph to this blog, but if I did, I would make a bar graph for you. On this chart, I would show numbers on the Y axis and then a timeline on the X axis with major points on prior to being laid off and post being laid off. Prior to, the graph would show one wife and zero brain tumors. Post, the graph would show zero wives and one brain tumor. We can clearly draw two correlations. First, as occupation decreases, the number of wives decreases (a negative correlation with both decreasing 100%). Second, as the number of wives decreases, the number of brain tumors increases (an inverse correlation, I think, and an infinite percentage growth on the brain tumors front).

Pictorial representations complete and conclusions drawn, we now move on to a syllogism. Unemployment results in a decrease in wives. All decreases in wives result in increases in brain tumors. Therefore, unemployment causes brain tumors (as is evidenced by the poor mental capacity of slackers). Therefore, it stands to reason that if a polygamist lost two jobs, he would also lose two wives and gain an infinite number of brain tumors. Fortunately for our CEO, he was no polygamist. I would also like to point out that the article makes no mention of brain tumors or divorce after he became employed with Starbucks. Therefore, we must conclude that the inverse of each of these graphs (and syllogisms) is also true. Employment leads to wives and brain health. I can attest to this fact personally by saying that I've been consistently employed for the last many years and have had zero brain tumors. Furthermore, I am engaged. Therefore, employment leads to brain health and wives.

Ladies, I have no evidence for or against the notion that employment leads to husbands. However, I also have no proof that unemployment for women leads to brain tumors, since in most states, women cannot marry other women, and thus cannot lose wives, which causes brain tumors. Historically, this may explain why women were traditionally the homemakers and men were the breadwinners. When the woman stayed at home, her homemaking resulted in no wife loss or brain tumor gain. When then man stayed at home and the woman went to work, the man risked losing his wife and having his brain grow tumors. If this is the case, this living arrangement wasn't a matter of oppression. It was a matter of health.

You have been informed.

Forgetful Future Me

2009-02-04T23:24:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine I have just finished talking with Future/Present Me and I have no idea what that one post was about. I think I must have forgotten about it.

By the way, happy birthday to me. I want to ask myself so many questions, but I'm afraid of spoilers. I don't want to ruin my enjoyment of Lost or who won the election anything. Though thinking about it, it couldn't have hurt too much for me to have found out who won the Super Bowl and by how much. (Man, there's something about that name that bugs me.) I did accidentally learn that Future Me is into Battlestar Galactica and has a Wii. When did that happen> Future Me is awesome.

I think instead of trying to find the right moment in time when I know what happened and it recently happened, I'll just go back to the day when Future/Past/Present Me was first posting on my blog so I can just ask myself right as I was giving the warning, right?

You will have been informed.

Annual Pessimism

2009-02-04T21:11:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, today I'm celebrating the most pessimistic of all holidays: my birthday. No, I'm not pessimistic because I'm twenty-seven, hold a college degree (and graduated at the top of my class, no less), and yet am working a barely more than minimum wage entry level labor job. In fact, it isn't that I'm pessimistic. It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel as though I've accomplished nothing with my life. No, birthdays in concept are pessimistic. You're celebrating surviving another year. The party, then, seems to suggest that your continued existence is a pleasant surprise. "Oh, it's your birthday, Mr. Truth> You're a year older> We didn't think you'd make it. We thought you'd do something dumb like drive blindfolded or eat peanut butter. Well... I guess this calls for cake."

Every time your birthday passes and people throw a party, it means they didn't think you'd live a whole year more. As though you not doing something worthy of a Darwin Award for a whole year is a noteworthy accomplishment for you. That's the kid of faith your friends and family have in you. They expected you to go fishing with dynamite. They expected you to huff too much gas or try to do a tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. But you showed them. You continued working your boring, safe, non-threatening job and diligently avoid getting killed in one of a million horrible ways. Good for you.

But they didn't think you'd make it. Even when you prove your modicum of intelligence by not attempting to parachute with an umbrella, you let them down by failing to live up to their meager expectations of your and your impending doom. That is why birthdays are the most pessimistic of all holidays.

You have been informed.

Ten Unknown Facts about Mr. Truth

2009-02-03T11:18:00.004-06:00

Mr. Truth has tasked me with revealing to you ten unknown facts about him.

And without further ado, here they are...

1. Mr. Truth once gave a makeover to Stacey and Clinton from "What Not To Wear"

2. One of Mr. Truth's favorite boardgames is RoboRally

3. Mr. Truth had approximately the same idea for the show "Psyche" several years ago

4. He once spent three weeks playing "Sister Christian" on the mandolin in the Australian wilderness so that this bird could learn to sing it for him.

6. Every time Mr. Truth re-watches old seasons of "The Office", he remembers just how uncomfortable it can make him feel.

7. Mr. Truth can do magic tricks.

8. When Alton Brown needs scientific culinary advice, he calls Mr. Truth

9. Once a month, Mr. Truth attends a live action role playing game

10. When Mr. Truth needs his cable hooked up - the cable guy asks what time he wants him to be there. And then he's actually on time.

Your secrets have been compromised.

2009-02-02T19:53:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I slept terribly and dreamt of 3-d glasses. I know there were 3-d commercials during last night's "super bowl." I did not watch them. Because I did not watch the "super bowl." For previously discussed reasons. And yet, I dreamt about getting those darn red and blue glasses. I think NBC and Sobe have teamed up to ensure that I be advertised to no matter what. I didn't watch their silly commercials for their silly 3-d episode of Chuck. Instead, I watched five hours of buildup to them during five hours of obnoxious "Super Bowl" pre-show at work on screens whose size is measured in feet rather than inches. Double digit feet. NBC wanted to make sure I saw those commercials. They provided me with huge TVs they hoped I couldn't resist. They forced me to work during all of the pre-show hype for the commercials. They even convinced my boss to make me stay late for no good reason in hopes I'd see their silly 3-d commercials. Still, I resisted. I made my escape shortly before "The Big Game" started. I thwarted their attempts, and so they used dream-control technology to make me dream of their gimmick.

Why, though, is what I want to know. Let's see, shall we> The commercials were for Sobe (with assistance from the movie Monsters versus Aliens) and for Chuck. I doubt very much that Sobe was part of the message. That bit was just for the money. It is a commercial after all. That leaves us with a trailer for a movie about monsters versus aliens and an ad for a show about a guy whose brain is accidentally the unwitting recipient of all of our nations most closely guarded secrets. All in 3-d.

The purpose of 3-d is, of course, to make things appear as though they are really present. The purpose then is to either A) convince me that something typically assumed fake is real, or b) convince me that something typically considered real is fake. We have a trailer about monsters versus aliens, both of which are generally perceived to be not real. Clearly, this is meant to tell us that the message is meant to be interpreted as "Fake is really real."

That leaves one final part to the message. Chuck is the only remaining piece of the message to fit into this puzzle. This show tells the story of a man whose brain somehow downloads all of the CIA's databases. Sure, it broadcasts as an actiony sitcom. I think, however, that NBC wanted me to get the message that the show is actually a true story. There really is a man out there carrying all of our most closely guarded secrets in his electronics store brain.

Hmmm... but we all know that aliens really are real and the CIA is covering it all up. So maybe I was supposed to interpret that the other way. Hmmm... but that would mean monsters are real. And the CIA knows it! And a guy had this knowledge dumped into his frontal lobe like so much wrapping paper at the city dump the day after Christmas. Except, you know, the CIA files are more useful and more likely to get you hunted down and killed for retrieving.

NBC invaded (and advertised in) my dreams to tell me that there is a man out there whose brain has been filled with CIA secrets, including those pertaining to the existence of both aliens AND monsters (and evidently, their impending war, for which we should all prepare. Note: Zombies are monsters and I've been warning about the zombies coming for years. Which means, the aliens might save us from them, unless of course Monsters versus Aliens is like Aliens versus Predators, in which case we all lose). NBC, thank you for facilitating my search for the truth, even if you did have to advertise in my dream to do it. I must find this super knowledgeable man and get those secrets the CIA is hiding so... hidingly.

You have been informed.

The Un-Super Stadium Game

2009-02-01T18:27:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm all for truth in advertising. That's why I'm boycotting the Super Bowl. I see no super powers. So no super. Bowl, perhaps. No. No bowls. There's a stadium, which I suppose is bowl shaped, but come on, that's no bowl. It's a stadium. Is it the trophy that is the bowl> No, hardly. That's a big glass football. No Super. No Bowl. Hmmm.

Another name for this particular game is of course, "The Big Game." I'll let you have game, sure, but it's no bigger than any other game. The quarters are not longer. The players are no taller. Those are just normal sized football players throwing a normal sized football on a normal sized field for the normal amount of time. So what's big about it> We could call it the Last Game, because it is. Well, kinda. It's not the last game of the year, obviously, because the sport will pick up again in the fall. Which rules out Ultimate as well, because Ultimate just means "last." The Final Game of the Season is too wordy. No one feels like calling it the Championship Game, and really, they can hardly call it the National Championship because they didn't take on every team in the nation. College teams don't get to compete against these guys. Peewee league teams don't compete against these guys. Sure hypothetically we can assume that an NFL team will beat a peewee team, but then, all of the "experts" also never would have guessed the Cardinals would win, so lets not sell those ten year olds short, shall we> They're ten. They're short enough already. Further, we can't call it the Professional National Championship, because there are minor league teams. They get paid, just not as much.

What can we do with this> What can we call it> The Final Game Until It Starts Again In Eight Months Played by Men Paid More Than (however much the minimum is) Which Determines Not Necessarily Who Is Best, But Rather Who Won the Right Games At the Right Time> That's even wordier than The Final Game of the Season.

So I boycott it. They say that the mind can't comprehend something it can't label, something it can't name. If I can't name one measly game, there's no way I can even begin to understand why crossing the goal line is six points, unless you do it after you've just crossed the goal line, in which case, it's only worth one third of the points, or why kicking a field goal is worth three points unless you do it after crossing said goal line, but only if you did so for the six points (and not the two), in which case it's worth only one, which is once again one third. And we're surprised when football players fail math in high school... I can't hope to understand why we get the biggest, strongest, most aggressive men we can find, and then tell them not to be too aggressive. We tell them to be tough, and then we put more padding on them than just about any other sport. I'll never understand football until I can come up with a name for the "Super Bowl."

You have been informed.

Preparing for the End and Jealous Birds

2009-01-31T09:56:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I had to work, and following the news of the Nazi zombie attack on Austin, I felt the need to prepare. Yesterday, I gathered several of my closest friends and ran tactical simulations for defense against zombies, particularly building and holding a tactical perimeter. What I've learned is that cars make pretty good makeshift barricades against zombies. They aren't so good at climbing over things and they can't open the doors to crawl through. I also learned that it doesn't matter how cool you are or how useful you may be as a defensive sniper, jumping from rooftop to rooftop is very bad idea. In other words, if you must snipe from the rooftops, find a good roof and stay on it. You are not an action hero. You will fall and knock yourself unconscious and be eaten by zombies. You're going to want to stage your cars early, for quick and easy access. Bring a couple extras just in case. It's no good making a barricade of cars of you have a two foot gap. Yes, it will bottleneck them, but still, it's only a matter of time before your gun jams, and then the zombies will start pouring through. If it's a big area, you're going to want at least 15 people, ten to move cars and other barricade materials, and at least five people to defend them.

I also helped bake a tasty cake yesterday.

I would also like to share with you an important fact. Birds hate airplanes. How often in the news lately have we seen planes crash or planes grounded because of birds? (aside from the Hudson River landing, because we know what that was really about.) The fact of the matter is that birds are jealous. They don't have a monopoly on air travel anymore and it's driving them nuts. So crazy, in fact, that many are committing suicide by flying into airplane windows and jet intakes just to take man out of the sky. Driven by the kamikaze spirit, these birds will do anything to keep their sky kingdom free of human invaders. I must assume that this recent rash of anti-human activity stems from some regime change. The previous, more peaceful ruler of the birds must have died and was replaced by a more radical and militant monarch. I say, those of you who have birds as pets, find out what they know. Get them talking. I hear it's easiest with parrots.

You have been informed.

They're coming.

2009-01-29T17:04:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the zombies are coming. Or at least, they were in Texas over the weekend. Two electronic road signs were modified to display the messages, "Caution! Zombies Ahead! Run for Cold Climates! The End is Near!" and "Nazi Zombies Ahead! Run!"

Austin police call it a prank, but I am not amused. We all know that the zombie plague is coming. Clearly, there was an outbreak. There were zombies, Nazi zombies at that, and some upright citizen decided to warn the population. But no, the government with its coverups decided that just because the immediate zombie threat was neutralized by their clandestine zombie-killing squads, people should be kept in the dark. Rather than tell us the truth of the looming apocalypse so that we may better prepare ourselves, they've called it a prank so that we'll be docile and won't rush out to get guns and supplies and more importantly, question how they allowed an outbreak in the first place. Unfortunately, if they keep leading us into a false sense of security, we'll all be grossly unable to deal with the impending zombie menace. Most of us will die, and the rest of us will have to struggle for survival with no food but what we grow in those dangerous zombie-infested open fields.

I think we should all take a moment to thank those citizens of Austin whose dedication to truth, especially warning us about the truth of the coming zombie apocalypse, reminds us to stay on our toes. The end is near.

You have been informed.

Lupus: Rarest of All Diseases

2009-01-28T15:22:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, House, M.D. only deals with the tough cases, it seems. Every week, someone in his city seems to catch some extremely rare disease that only affects one in a million people. Still, it seems no matter how rare a disease he may encounter, there is one disease that never seems to strike. I'm talking about lupus.

If so many rare diseases strike such a small geographical area, surely lupus should strike someone at some point. But it doesn't. Every week, the diseases get rarer and rarer. And yet, lupus, which allegedly affects 1 in 187 Americans, never seems to show up. It seems like a statistical impossibility. Clearly, the lupus people must be exaggerating how widespread the autoimmune disease is for their own evil purposes. It's not like the show House would only feature super rare diseases for ratings and drama. I mean, the show has a medical advisor and everything. That must make it an accurate depiction of medicine. These "super rare" diseases are actually common, but don't have the funding to have their own awareness--and thus fund--raising organizations. But lupus researchers are loaded, which allows them to grossly overestimate the number of people suffering from the disease. How else could you realistically explain the prevalence of super rare diseases on House without having to deal with lupus>

I would like to point out that, yes, I am aware that in Season 4, Episode 8 the disease was, in fact, lupus. In theory that seems to contradict what I just said. But let's look at the facts, shall we> When encountering any disease, someone proposes the disease may be lupus, which allegedly affects, as previously stated, 1 in 187 Americans. House always disregards lupus immediately as though it were something that most doctors will never encounter in their entire lifetime. Instead, he proposes that the victim must suffer from some disease that medical textbooks tell us most doctors will never encounter in their entire lifetime. And you know what> Every week he's right. It's always the disease that, statistically, he should never encounter. As previously stated, the show House has medical consultants. Named David Foster and Harley Liker. So that means the show must be accurate. Therefore, the statistics must be wrong. Lupus must be super rare and these "super rare" diseases are common.

I say to you, lupus, stop stealing the spotlight. No one really has you. Instead, we all have kuru and vasculitis.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert

2009-01-27T20:02:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Stephen Colbert is not only the voice of our nation, or at least, the much more witty voice of our angry upper middle class republicans, he's also an avid supporter of Dungeons and Dragons and other awesome hobbies. Here's a few things you may not know about him.

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert:

Stephen Colbert's distrust of bears comes from a childhood slight by Yogi Bear, who gave young Stephen abandonment issues after his cartoon was cancelled. Stephen has never forgiven the ursine species.
Stephen Colbert is the only American to have fought in every war the U.S. has been involved in. He admits, reluctantly, that for most of these wars, his role was one of "historic reenactor."
Stephen Colbert invented Truth, thus allowing improv pioneer Del Close to write his book Truth in Comedy.
Stephen Colbert's Colbert Nation is a real nation landlocked in South Carolina. He was elected president for life with an astounding 97% landslide.
Stephen Colbert actually has amazing super telescopic vision. He wears glasses to counteract this so he doesn't constantly get an eyeful of everyone's pores.
Stephen Colbert is America. Literally. Like many myths of old, the nation is made from the remains of his body. What we see on television is simply an avatar of his awesomeness. And despite what his book says, so can you not be. Not everyone's body can be a continent.
Stephen Colbert taught Optimus Prime how to transform into an eighteen wheeler. Yes, that means Stephen Colbert can transform into an eighteen wheeler.
Stephen Colbert defeated the Tomb of Horrors single-handedly. He told his story to a publisher he met in the bar, asking that it be published as a memoir. Gary Gygax instead published it as an adventure module for 4-6 9th level adventurers.
Stephen Colbert makes his hamburgers entirely from scratch, including raising the cow (for both cheese and beef) and growing the wheat.
Stephen Colbert actually lives on Cloud Nine. The hardest part was developing perpetual anti-gravity boosters for the house. That and figuring out exactly which cloud was #9.

You know what> This is my least favorite part of Ten Facts Tuesday. The post-fact glow, where you and your reader experienced something wonderful together, but now that it's over you feel obligated to say something to acknowledge the special moment you just shared, and so you end up talking, saying something stupid, trying sum up what just happened, trying to make conversation in the increasingly awkward situation because you can't just shut up and let you both bask in the afterglow of the experience.

So I'm not going to do it today. Nope, no awkward post-facts talking this week.

You have been informed.

My Mind has been Flayed!

2009-01-26T21:46:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I had a dozen ideas for things to research, but each and everyone one of them has vanished from my mind. Illithids must have devoured my thoughts and memories today. It'd explain why I was so absent minded. Stupid Mind-Flayers. Why are they coming after me> I'm not nearly high enough level for it to be worth their time. The XP they'd get from me would be paltry indeed. But then, as flayers of minds, perhaps it's my intellect they sought. They wanted my truth, but didn't want to read my blog. So they're lazy. Or they're greedy and they wanted my truth for themselves in a pristine uncirculated format. Hmmm...

I need to go to a tavern and look for four to six adventurers of mid to high level able to take on these beasts and restore my kingdom, erm... memories.

You have been informed.

Safety Sheds in England

2009-01-25T10:05:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, recently a boatload of Russian wood began washing up on beaches in Kent, England, much to the delight of those living in the surrounding area. After all, who can resist the lure of free lumber? Nothing strange. I know I would enjoy being suddenly blessed by timber from heaven. Or the sea, as the case may be. What is strange is the sheer number of sheds collectors of this wood say they are going to build. What doe the people of Kent need with so many sheds? The answer lies in a recent decision by the BBC.

A number of British charities, including the Red Cross and Save the Children, have asked the BBC to air an appeal for emergency humanitarian aid in Gaza, but have been denied by the broadcasting company on the grounds of maintaining their impartiality. By charter, the BBC is not supposed to take any action that would imply a bias, and thus they are not allowed to broadcast the plea for aid, says a BBC spokesman. That may be well and good, but why is the BBC really turning down the charitable request? After all, by airing all of those wonderful Save the Children specials in the past (particularly the one with Doctor Who and the Curse of the Fatal Death), they've showed a bias toward sick and impoverished children. Where is their precious impartiality now? We are forced to therefore conclude that there is some other reason why the BBC has chosen to sit this one out. The truth is, it's a matter of survival.

Let's take a closer look at Gaza, shall we? Hamas went into Gaza. They were attacked by Israel. Israel went into Gaza. They got bombed by Hamas. The U.N. built an embassy in Gaza. They were bombed by Israel. Humanitarian workers went into Gaza. They were attacked by everyone. The fact of the matter is, everyone who goes into Gaza is attacked. It is not unreasonable to assume, then, that if the BBC airs the request for charitable aid in Gaza, Hamas and/or Israel will try to shell their production headquarters, which in turn, will require the BBC to retaliate by launching rockets and reruns of Bonekickers. Then the Geneva Convention gets dragged in for crimes against humanity and it all ends poorly for everyone.

What does this have to do with sheds in Kent? These British charities plan to appeal the BBC's decision on Monday to gain permission to air the humanitarian aid special. If the BBC reverses their decision, the U.K. will find itself at risk of mortar bombardment from the Middle East, and from, I mean those in Gaza will probably have to board boats and park off shore of England to express their anger, because seriously, mortar fire won't reach England from Gaza. It'll fall short in Greece, and then one more country gets dragged into it. But back to the original point. The people of Kent are building these sheds to house their own mortar launchers for retaliatory strikes against Gazan aggression, presuming, of course, that militants go all the way around England to the more impractical side for the attack. Plus, if things escalate as things tend to do, they can use these sheds as makeshift wooden hangars for makeshift wooden fighters, because really, who expects a counterstrike from Kent?

As such, I say to you, Mr. BBC news reporter on the video from the beginning of this post, don't look down on your countrymen for not filling out the paperwork. They're looting the sea of its wooden goodness for your safety.

You have been informed.

Today I Learn I'm Stupid

2009-01-24T13:34:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I used to think that I had a decent understanding of quality. Today, however, I learned that this cannot be the case. I watched Repo! A Genetic Opera and found it awful. Oh sure, the concept was neat. Financed designer organs being repossessed. It had Anthony Stewart Head of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame. On top of that, this slasher movie starred Sarah Brightman, which totally makes up for the fact that it also stars Paris Hilton. And seriously, who can resist the lure of a musical slasher movie> So I watched it. And I found the acting terrible, the music and lyrics trite and cliche. The plot, too, was, well, bad. It was, in fact, almost completely worthless as a film, especially knowing it was based on a play.

As I researched this film, however, I learned that I was completely wrong in my judgement. Apparently, this movie is brilliant and is so much better than "all of the 'wannabe' good movies" that Hollywood deems masterpieces. It's crazy how I missed the talent so many other people saw. I thought the lyrics were dull and repetitive and the singing mostly awful (except for Mrs. Brightman, who did the best with what she had), but I must have been mistaken. The songs were clearly "catchy" and the lyrics "deep and beautiful," and I must not have been paying attention well enough. I also missed the part where "Paris Hilton does NOT suck." How did I manage to miss so much quality. I only left the room once for yogurt. Can it be that all of the amazing stuff happened in the forty-five seconds I was out of the room, or perhaps I simply wasn't open enough to the rich subtext of the highly repetitive, uninspired lyrics.

I was not blown away by it, but I can only assume that means that I'm just an "average Joe," one of the "dumb masses" who lacks the mental sophistication to ever "understand something like this," something with "a 'little' more depth" than close-minded people like me can grasp. I guess it's my fault. I must not have been intelligent enough to understand this "gothic MASTERPIECE!" the way the guy on the internet with no concept of appropriate capitalization or run-on sentences did, or I would have enjoyed it, "guarantied."

I apologize for dwelling so heavily on my short-comings today. It's always hard when you find out from the brilliant movie critics of the internet that you're an idiot.

You have been informed.

Street Battles

2009-01-22T21:33:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, on the streets, people have to battle for respect. Seriously. I saw it in a movie, so it must be true. Everyone knows, however, that when you want to show people who's the boss, who has the right to rule the streets, you don't use knives, guns, or insults. You don't punch or race. No, nothing demands you be taken seriously like impromptu choreography. That's right, I'm talking about the time honored tradition of the dance-off. The dance-off is one of the oldest forms of competition in the world. And why wouldn't it be> Before mankind discovered tool use, we had no weapons with which to fight each other. But we had arms and legs and voices. And so we danced for superiority. So many dance styles have violent names even. Poppin'. Breakin'. Slam dancing. The Box step, as in boxing. Tango> Sounds a lot like "tangle," which is slang for fighting. Waltz sounds like "Salts," which hurt when poured into wounds. The Charleston> As in, the city where a buddy of mine got beat up once> Dancing is far more violent than war. Why do you think right before fighting, combatants say, "Let's dance>" Because they're trying to psych their opponent out. Like, "I know you thought we were going to fight, but what are you going to do if we dance instead," and the other guy is like, "Oh man, I'm ready to get stabbed and everything, but there's no way I'm physically or psychologically ready for jazz hands." Most intimidating about dance battles is probably that they come without warning. You expect a man with a gun to shoot. What forewarning do you have that a guy is about to break out a funky beat on you> You have no way to know an electric slide is coming. A dance can strike anywhere, anytime. Are you ready for a dance-off right now> Seriously. Right. Now. Look out your door. There could have been a crew there. Would you have been ready> If the guy had a weapon, you simply wouldn't open the door, but there's no stopping a dance-off.

Be prepared. A dancer can strike like a ninja. Without warning. Maybe even without music.

You have been informed.

Buffalo Wings Flying Away?

2009-01-21T22:18:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a shortage of buffalo wings in this nation, leading to prices comparatively skyrocketing. Many blame poultry farms going bankrupt, thus lowering supply as the national demand for the food rises ever higher. We at The Truth of the World know different. No, I'm not going to say it's because we're over hunting buffalo. That's stupid. Buffalo don't have wings. No, the real reason we're running out of wings is simple. Hamas has been reworking tunnels in which they once stockpiled weapons. I understand you're wondering how the two can possibly be related. Let's break this down, shall we?

Hamas and Isreal, at least for the time being, have declared a cease-fire. That's right. Isreal agreed to pull all of their troops out of Gaza and Hamas will stop firing rockets into Isreal. Let me say that again with some emphasis added. Hamas will stop firing rockets into Isreal. Hamas has this thing about bombing Isreal. It really likes to. It's one of its only hobbies. That and not providing for its people. But mostly bombing Isreal. However, with this cease-fire, Hamas has run out of things to do. It is bored. And so it's been redigging these old tunnels that were once used to smuggle and stock weapons. What, Isreal has been asking, does Hamas need with these tunnels if they have sworn not to attack?

Chicken racing. Hamas has been buying up chickens left and right to race through these tunnels. Hamas figures that gambling on subterranean chicken races will help its constiuency forget about how miserable things are, espeically when they aren't bombing their neighbors. Further, these chickens will be periodically set loose in the rocket launching faciliities. If a chicken happens to accidentally fire one off, so be it. Hamas didn't launch the explosive ordinance. The chicken did. The cease-fire is still in effect. Further, once the cease-fire does fall apart, they'll be stockpiled with chickens. Hamas said they would no longer fire rockets into Isreal. Thus, to stockpile rockets in preparation for the day the cease-fire ends would be considered an act of hostility and disregard for the armastice. If, however, they stockpile seemingly harmless chickens, no harm no foul, right? No one need ever know that these chickens are being trained to wear explosives and then fly through Gaza to Isreal. People expects rockets to come flying out of the sky, blowing up buildings left and right. No one expects chickens to do that. It's the ultimate stealth weapon that provides your troops with eggs and entertainment while you wait to use it. It's unethical, but it sure is versatile, and every army loves a multi-tasking weapon.

Be on the look out for eggs showing up in unexpected places, Isreal. Poultry suicide bombers are probably close behind.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Joe Biden

2009-01-20T10:26:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, on this inauguration day for President-Elect-Soon-to-be-President Barack Obama, let us not forget that today another is being sworn in. The world has been a flurry of press coverage surrounding the first African American president of the United States. But what of his ignored running mate Joe Biden> He is, after all, the man who added the experience to the Obama ticket needed to quiet some of the doubts about whether Barack was "ready to lead." Born in Pennsylvania, Biden had the fourth longest senate record at the time of his becoming VP (elect). He's chaired several committees dealing with important civil issues and has a pretty high approval rating from civil liberties and education organizations. Here, however, are some things you may not have known about our oft-overlooked vice president.

10 Unknown Facts about Joe Biden:

One of Joe Biden's first jobs was as salesman for the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. They say his sales record rivaled that of Michael Scott.
Joe Biden's space ork army can trounce any tyranid army ever fielded.
Joe Biden can read a ten point font from 100 yards away.
Joe Biden can tap dance "Flight of the Bumblebee," both rhythmically and melodically.
Joe Biden personally counted every single person present at the inauguration.
Even though he has complete confidence in the secret service, Joe Biden surrounds himself with an invisible psychic forcefield at all times.
Joe Biden knows the question whose answer, 42, the mice paid so much to learn.
Joe Biden was tempted to sleep in today since probably no one would notice his absence and he stayed up late last night to rewatch the fourth season of Lost before the season premier tomorrow.
Joe Biden plans to use all of his new found free-time as vice president over the next four years to learn to perform all of those neat magic tricks he used to watch as a kid so that he, as second poorest senator, can have a supplemental second income as a magician so lobbyists don't try to target him with bribes all of the time.
Joe Biden takes his oath that he will protect America from any and all enemies foreign and domestic very seriously to the point where he is spending what spare income he has to develop super powers. He's hoping for a selection like Superman's or Spiderman's but will take what he can get.

Though you may forget about Mr. Biden today, just remember, he has not forgotten about you. Yes you. Personally. He's got crazy powerful mental abilities.

You have been informed.

Killer Klowns and Robot Dogs

2009-01-19T22:54:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the late 1980s, a gang of killer clowns came from space and ran amok in a small town. These clowns, or "klowns" as they were called for no good reason beyond alliteration, didn't really speak. Instead, they just made high pitched squeaky noises. Now, twenty years later, robot dogs, allegedly from Japan, make the same noises. These robot dogs are clearly the product of killer klowns. Perhaps they've turned to robotic hounds because their balloon canines were too easily destroyed by the inept locals. Perhaps their popcorn pets were no longer pulling in the cotton candy like they used to. Either way, these positronic pooches are out to kill us all. And they'll get away with it too. After all, the klowns were able to take us by surprise because who expects fun-loving, smiling clowns to be so evil> The same goes for these Japanese automaton puppies. No one expects cute little plastic puppies to go rabid and do anything evil. I mean, come on, they don't even chase after balls unless they're a specific color, except, oh wait. That color is bright pink. The same color as cotton candy, which happens to be what the killer klowns' guns turn people into. So the robot dogs can fetch them.

Beware, then, ladies and gentlemen. These dogs may be cute. They may be adorable. They may play your mp3s. But they fully intend to steal your heart. And probably bury it in the back yard. Until the klowns can get it.

You have been informed.

More About Vampires

2009-01-18T23:35:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you what I learned today. It is totally safe for you to fight a pack of big scary werewolves even if you have no supernatural powers of your own just as long as you have someone on your side who is bigger and scarier than you. Every single werewolf will attack the big guy and leave you alone. Also, today the knowledge that vampires love to talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. was once more reinforced. Now if you'll excuse me, six hours of vampire legal proceedings and a fight with a bunch of werewolves takes a lot out of me. I need some sleep.

You have been informed.

America-Atlantis Peace Treaties

2009-01-17T21:39:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure you've all read and-or seen all over the news about flight 1549's breath-taking water landing in the Hudson River. The official story is that they hit some birds at 3000 feet and that took out the engines. Yeah, I don't buy it. Not even a little bit. They've recently released footage of the plane hitting the water. Do you see that landing> That is a beautiful, smooth, picture-perfect water landing for a plane not built for water landings. That pilot executed a practiced and well-rehearsed maneuver there. He knew exactly what he was doing. This was no "crash landing." The truth of the matter is, on board that plane was an ambassador from Atlantis. He was meeting with our government to discuss, well, I don't really know what he was discussing, but the Atlanteans are ok with us. Their spy from the 1950s liked Superman and he for sure put in a good for the old U.S. Likewise, he proposed to this Atlantean spy long before he considered marrying Lois Lane, so she probably put in a good word for her own motherland, the sea.

The "emergency water landing" was actually staged to return the ambassador to his home. I know, I know, there's no way Atlantis is in the Hudson River. True. The only people there are wiseguys in cement shoes. But seriously. You may remember the other day when I said Don Knotts discovered Atlantis and took the secret to his grave. That was because he was under oath from the Atlantean king (they're still a monarchy, but they do at least have representative prefecture assemblies) that he would never divulge its secret location. By dropping the Atlantean ambassador off in the Hudson River, the Atlanteans were able to ensure that no one would ever attempt to follow the diplomat home. After all, would you go swimming in the Hudson River> I wouldn't. Let us, then, take this water landing for what it is truly worth: a sign that the U.S. is not only reaching out to fellow nations and principalities of the world, but that we are actively trying to abide by their wishes rather than adopting "We can do no wrong" mentality. Things are looking up already.

You have been informed.

Amber Alerts and Your Food

2009-01-17T00:04:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, everyone knows that, aside from telling you how nutritious your tasty, creamy glass of cold milk is, the sides of milk cartons help locate missing children. Today I discovered that some milk cartons will actually go out there and seek those missing kids out.

Such foodstuff innovation should be applauded. After all, it's not every day a dairy product does something to help people. Previous smiling dairymen Milk and Cheese have, in fact, done a great deal to promote lactose intolerance via their transcontinental sprees of violence and degradation. The creators of this newer, friendlier milk should be proud. They should receive medals or a guest spot on America's Most Wanted. But if you'll pay close attention, you'll notice the milk is generic. No one claims ownership to him. He's his own person, and that's great. It shows Milky possesses personal initiative. He's into strawberry milk, so he's a little liberal, but that's okay, I guess. The Cold War is over, so it isn't as bad to like a pinko commie carton o' moo juice.

Still, why the anonymity> That milk is doing good service. Perhaps it just wants to do a good deed without the reward, like a true philanthropist and humanitarian. Surely from how uneasy he is on the streets, he's not a criminal. Or is he> I believe that the milk in question went bad in its youth, but was taken in by the family and given a chance to be a wholesome, productive, and all around nice guy. As such, when he sees the family's young son turn to the streets and the rock and roll music, he sought to save the boy from a similar fate. The milk saved the boy because he was seeking redemption. And it killed him. The boy killed him for bringing him back home. Again, appearances are deceptive. The boy wasn't behaving cruelly or ungratefully. He was releasing the milk. It suffered under the weight of its past sins from its former life. His charitable act allowed him to die in peace and earn his salvation (and score a dead girlfriend to boot!). Milk cartons with faces on the side, then, are not informing you of missing kids for your benefit. The picture is there to allow milk to atone from its crimes.

If you see a missing child on a milk carton, the lesson here is pay it no mind. If you leave the carton alone, it will find the kid for you and save its soul in the process. You wouldn't want to keep a poor sweet carton of milk out of heaven, would you>

You have been informed.

Secretary of the End of the World

2009-01-15T20:41:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I've been unpleasantly sick and unable to move without hating the world and was thus unable to get to the computer. Today, however, I'm feeling somewhat healthier and somewhat more mobile, and so I've spent the day preparing for the inevitable zombie plague that will throw mankind back a couple centuries. It occurred to me, unfortunately, that the government does not seem to be doing anything about this looming menace, or any looming menace for that matter. It's all "Middle East" this or "War in Iraq" that. The end of the world coming. The writings on the wall. And the writing isn't just on the wall. It's in books, too. I know Obama can read, so why hasn't his Office of the President Elect not mentioned any of his administration's plans for dealing with armageddon> Why was the coming apocalypse not a major issue during the election> Come on, man! Everyone knows the world ends in 2012! That doesn't give you a lot of time to get ready and it certainly isn't the kind of thing you wait until a few months before to deal with because you're concerned about your legacy. Ladies and Gentlemen, to keep us all safe, I propose you write to your congressmen, your president, your prime minister, your queen, your... parliamentarian. Whoever rules your country, write to them and demand your government institute a Secretary of the End of the World position, perhaps even a whole office. Because those who take the end of the world lying down will find themselves lying down dead when the end of the world comes.

You have been informed. Now get out there and inform your government.

10 Unknown Facts About Don Knotts

2009-01-13T19:20:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I grew up watching Don Knotts play the wacky deputy Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show. I watched him play some wacky old guy opposite old Andy Griffith on Matlock. I remember watching him be a wacky coward on The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. I saw quite a bit of Don Knotts growing up in fact, or at least on TV. Here are a few things I learned about Mr. Knotts since he passed away in 2006 that changed my perception of that wacky, lovable coot.

10 Unknown Facts About Don Knotts

Don Knotts could snipe a cherry off of an ice cream sundae from 1000 yards. With a rubber band.
Don Knotts could handle eating Mentos and Diet Coke at the same time.
Don Knotts can walk a fishing line tightrope across the Grand Canyon. That's right. Not could. Can. Even today.
Don Knotts once counted to google.
Don Knotts discovered Atlantis, but took its secret location to his grave.
Don Knotts was immune to both the common and uncommon cold.
Don Knotts could mystically turn margarine to butter and back (turning it back was assumed but unproven, because who in their right mind would turn real butter into margarine>)
Don Knotts once spent a year meditating upon the sound of popcorn seeds being poured into a hot pan.
Don Knotts diffused the Cuban Missile Crisis by threatening to catch any launched nukes by either country and throw them right back where they came from.
Don Knotts once pulled a semi truck with his teeth. While it was trying to drive in the opposite direction.

It's amazing how the truth changes your perception of a man. I always imagined him as a lovable, bumbling, slow-witted codger. Now I understand that he was a man of peak physical and mental ability, which only proves what a truly talented actor he really was. He will continue to be missed.

You have been informed.

And What Do You Burn Witches On>

2009-01-12T23:30:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we've all heard the infallible logic of Sir Bedivere in regards for identifying witches. My fiancee and I have both come down ill, and we don't know who gave it to us. Clearly, we've been bewitched. So what did we do today> We built a big roaring fire in the fireplace. Coincidentally, the fiancee is feeling a little better. My cough, however, is getting a little worse. Perhaps I didn't burn the right witch. I threw wood randomly on the fire, assuming of course that because all witches are made of wood, all wood must be made of witches. This syllogism proved false, and now the surviving witch is agitating my lungs in spite. Clearly the important thing I forgot to do is weigh each piece of wood against a duck. Witches are made of wood. Wood floats. Ducks float. So if a person and a duck weigh the same, the person is a witch because she weights the same as a duck, which, like wood, floats. So in theory, if witches are made of wood, I should have checked the wood to see if it weighed the same as a duck. If the wood weighed more or less than a duck, I would be forced to conclude that the wood was not wood at all and therefore could not have been the witch who has been tormenting me.

Tomorrow, I catch a duck from the lake and weigh it against the firewood before throwing it onto the flames. Being thus more thorough than I was today, I hope to get rid of this bronchitis curse once and for all. Should you find yourself ill too, remember, the secret is to find a piece of wood that weighs as much as a duck and burn it. Burn it if you ever want to feel healthy again.

You have been informed.

Truth for Just a Few XP more...

2009-01-11T21:05:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, learning new truth every day is difficult. Very difficult. Some days it's a challenge. Perhaps I'm trying to take on Truths too powerful for me. Which bring me to an important challenge. How do I become more prepared to take on larger truths> I figure currently, I'm a level three truth-seeker. That means I need about 1500 more experience points before I can advance to the next level. I could take on a Battle Guardian and get all of the XP in one go, but I don't think I can take on a beastie with 163 hit points and a 32 armor class. At least, not now. And not by myself. But if I took it on with friends I'd have to kill several of them, and that defeats the point, doesn't it> I could take on fifteen Kobold skirmishers. Not at once, mind you. That'd kill me as quickly as the Battle Guardian. Maybe I'll take on sixty kobold minions, one or two at a time. It still comes out to 1500 XP only with substantially less risk to me. Just expect, if I do this, to get a lot of truths about fighting kobolds for a while. You know, until the level up.

You have been informed.

Are You One of the Chosen?

2009-01-10T22:19:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, some time after Martin Luther, for lack of a Comments box, nailed a few complaints (ninety-five to be exact) to a door, and the Protestants used the Protestant Reformation to reform, a guy named John Calvin (for whom my favorite comic strip character is named) decided that only so many people were getting into heaven and those who were going to Heaven were already chosen. It was an idea called predestination. Essentially (to oversimplify a complex religious concept) that it doesn't matter what you do, God has already decided before the world even was who would be allowed through those Pearly Gates. Now, sure, that should take some of the burden off of people's minds. After all, fretting about it clearly won't change God's mind. However, there were those who just absolutely had to know if their name was on His Almighty Guest List before trying to show up to the party. The idea was that you could tell who was saved based on how successful they were mortally (again, to draw an oversimplification). After all, why would God allow someone he didn't like to have a highly lucrative business and someone he loved to be poor? So, material wealth and status were taken to be signs that God clearly approved of someone.

Now, what does this history/theocracy lesson have to do with us?

Today, I met hundreds of God's chosen. My place of employment is hosting a poker tournament and a lot of affluent individuals were present. I suspect these people were Chosen because not only were they financially successful, they got to do things like put their cigarettes out on the walls and flick their ashes on the floor when an ash tray is literally six inches away from them. They get to spit and swear and otherwise be socially unacceptable and we bend over backwards to cater to their every whim. The can toss trash onto the floor with their right hand when an identical action with the left would have put it in a trash can. They can squash their cigarettes out on the carpet. They can even chain smoke to the point of having asthmatic coworkers needing paramedics to give them oxygen. Now if that doesn't say, "There must be something really special about me for me to behave like this and not get in any trouble," nothing does.

It was kind of awe-inspiring being in the presence of so many people whose places in Heaven are clearly assured. I suspect, given my endless string of financial difficulties, that I am not on the Holy Guest List. I guess I'm ok with that. God seems to really like selfish jerks anyway, and I can live without spending eternity around them.

You have been informed.

Nocturnal Truth?

2009-01-10T09:03:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I meant to post this last night, but my network died on me. Stupid sentient computers thwarting my mad truth skillz. It occurred to me that lately I can't think of anything to research until right before I go to bed a night. Am I becoming nocturnal? Perhaps my brain is lunar powered, or worse, I'm becoming a vampire. Hopefully it's the lunar powered thing. I really like garlic bread. That's your (late) mini-truth for yesterday. I'll get something better for you later today. Assuming the computer hasn't shut me out again.

You have been informed.

GenCon

2009-01-08T19:00:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, fun fact for you. The Geneva Conventions are actually not one, but four treatises on how most things war should be conducted including "what is and is not cool" to do to prisoners. The Conventions take their guidelines from four separate meetings of various humanitarian groups from the years 1864 to 1949. (Check this article for more detailed info on the chronology of the four). In 1977 (and 2005), the conventions were revised with ammendments added to them. You may already know all of this. What you may not know is that in 1977, science fiction was in vogue. The original Star Trek series had a strong cult following, Star Wars (A New Hope) opened in theaters. Battlestar Galactica was popular on TV. It was a good time to think the future would be full of lasers and space ships. The Geneva Conventions thought it would be a good time to update their name for these fast-paced future times. They tried to rename themselves GenCon 1977, but unfortunately, an upstart gaming convention in the United States was using the name GenCon 1977. The Geneva Conventioneers complained at their inability to acquire the cool name as the gamers had no intention of sharing the name.

The Geneva people tried everything. They said their rules for war were more important, but GenCon gamers were honestly more concerned with reenacting battles from prior to the Geneva Conventions' adoption (primarily those of Alexander and Napoleon), and thus had no concern for their moral guidelines as they had little bearing on their game rules. They tried saying that because GenCon was no longer held in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, they should relinquish the title, but the geeks said no. They'd already printed up the fliers and the last thing they wanted was the DM running their D&D tournament ending up in Switzerland instead of Convention Hall B. The members of the Geneva Convention tried saying it was unfair that the gamers were monopolizing all GenCons for all years 1968 indefinitely into the future. The gamers threatened them with photon torpedos and thermal detonators. Unfortunately for the members of the Geneva Convention, the Cold War was on and they didn't know the gamers were referring to fictional arms and not some top secret U.S. military weapon. The members of the Geneva Convention backed down, but not before deciding that "it sucks being neutral all the time. You never get your way."

You have been informed.

But What About Zeus>

2009-01-07T20:11:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I must confess, I love me some Mythbusters. It's easily one of my favorite shows on TV. My philosophical brothers-at-arms Adam and Jaime (and their squires-at-arms Kari, Tory, and Grant, but especially Kari) are all about exposing truth where lies... lie. My only complaint is that, well, they take on common misconceptions, sure, but I've never seen them go after a good old fashioned myth. Where is my episode about meeting the Devil at a crossroads or unicorns or the feud between Poseidon and Athena> When do I get to learn the truth behind Quetzalcoatl, Atlantis, Loki, Anansi, and Izanagi no Mikoto and Izanami no Mikoto> They need to address these in the next season or I'm going to send them a stern letter demanding, nay, politely asking that they change their name to Modernmisconceptionbusters.

Ok, so, maybe today you didn't learn much about the world as a whole, but you did at least learn that a) I like Mythbusters, b) I really like Kari, and c) I feel Mythbusters is losing sight of its namesake: myths.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Cylons

2009-01-06T20:53:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the final season of Battlestar Galactica is almost upon us and the whole internet (and by whole internet, I mean the geeky parts), are abuzz speculating on who the final Cylon could be. I'm not one to give spoilers, but I will give you some hints to help you identify Cylons when you see them in today's

10 Unknown Facts About Cylons:

Cylons are mildly allergic to pineapple.
Cylons often misspell the word conspicuous, forgetting the first "u."
Cylons think the best barbeque comes from Sagittaron, when everyone knows that they put too much sauce on and don't smoke the meat for long enough like they do on Aquaria. Now that is good barbeque.
This doesn't apply to all Cylons, mind you, but most can be identified on sight, as they look like huge metal men with gun arms. For some reason, though, people are more concerned with finding the ones who aren't always heavily armed.
Cylons are seven times more likely to be dog people than cat people.
Cylons think that Anders was too defensive when he played pyramid for the Panthers.
If an attractive woman wants to spend time with you in the bedroom, chances are she's a Cylon. If you're not sure, look for the glowing red back.
Cylons are monotheistic, this is true. But contrary to popular belief, they are Pastafarians.
Cylons may dress nice, but their clothes are actually sweatshop knockoffs of designer house brands, because the clothes are cheap and they don't care about human children.
Cylons don't know it's not bacon.

Hopefully, this will help you find out who the final Cylon is before your friends so you can brag around the water cooler with a big fat "I told you so."*

You have been informed.

*Editor's note: Big Fat I-Told-You-Sos statistically tend to positively correlate with the likelihood of eating alone. You have been informed again.

Why Your Mom Might Be A Satanist

2009-01-05T21:01:00.006-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember when we were young and our parents warned us about the evil influences of Satan and his Satanic cults with their rock music and their Dungeons and Dragons and their Three's Company reruns> It seems Satan has other ways of reaching your immortal soul. What, you may ask, is he using now> I'll give you a hint. Your mom literally forced Satan's influence down your throat as a kid.

I'm talking about vegetables.

Growing up we had visions of Satanic cults sacrificing goats and wearing cool hoods. Not the case. If we look to the Bible, where at least thirty-seven percent of what we know about Satan comes from (thanks Hollywood, Salman Rushdie, and sensationalist depictions in Morality Plays), we learn that those who follow Satan can be identified by the foods they associate themselves with. If you remember, the first sin, the one the great serpent convinced Eve to commit, was eating fruit. Why did Cain kill Abel> He was jealous. Because God accepted Abel's animal sacrifice and frowned on Cain's offering. Of veggies. That's right. Cain, the first murderer, raised crops, not livestock. Need more proof> Go down the vegetarian food section of your supermarket. Don't have one> Don't feel bad. Neither do. But look near the burgers. You'll find vegan alternatives. "Where's the evil in that>" you ask. Let me shine some light into those eyes. The brand name of this evil, but tasty concoction of beany goodness just so happens to be (are you ready for it> Can I get a drum roll>) Morningstar, which just so happens to be the meaning of Satan's name Lucifer. Looks like Satan is planning a beef-free barbeque, with hot coals for burgers and souls.

I always knew preachy vegans were annoying. I never knew they were in league with the dark lord of the abyss. But they'll get their comeuppance in the end. After all, eternal flames are better for making perfectly grilled medium rare steaks than growing a refreshing salad.

You have been informed.

Kitty Physics

2009-01-04T21:37:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I came to a startling realization today. Several, in fact. I realized that as humans, we have for quite some time instinctually understood the make-up of the universe. Perhaps you've heard the expression "with every fiber of my being." Sure, it sounds nice, but with the proposition of string theory, generally stating that all matter is composed of minuscule, rapidly vibrating "strings." Thus, for centuries, we've innately known, perhaps not on a surface level but surely unconsciously, that we're all made of strings, or fibers. Thus, we understand by nature theoretical physics and quantum mechanics far beyond our conscious ken. That's the first realization.

The second realization is that cats have known all of this on a conscious level for much longer. How do I know this? My cat plays with my hands all the time. Know what else they play with all the time? Balls of yarn. And what are balls of yarn made of? Yes, yarn, smart aleck. But what is yarn made of? You guessed it. String. For thousands of years cats have alternated between playing with string and then playing with us, trying to get us to make the connection, to reach that epiphany, that truth which they already understood: everything is made of string.

Is this, perhaps why we're only now starting to see what we cruelly called LOLcats? We laugh at their inability to speak our language. I thought the schools were failing them. No, the cats are just struggling to learn a second language. And yet, I feel they've given up on trying to enlighten us about physics and the universe. Their new goal is the enslavement of humanity. That was my third realization.

Long ago, the Egyptians worshipped cats. Recently, we learned that perhaps the Egyptian gods were aliens. Could cats also be highly intelligent extra terrestrial creatures? It would explain their advanced knowledge of the hard sciences. But why enslavement? Countless movies, television shows, and comic books proclaim the potential mankind possesses. The Doctor is all about telling the universe, to quote Hamlet, "what piece of work is man." Many millenia ago, cats came to Earth to enlighten us, to save us from our primative ways and bring us into the wonderful world of science and the stars. But we refused to listen to the cats. We pampered them. We fed them and gave them affection, but we refused to listen and learn from them. In time, the cats realized that we would never learn, or at least that our human hubris was too much to allow us to learn from another species. And so they grew comfortable, complacent even in their now pampered lifestyle. Though not officially worshiped as gods, they still found themselves treated like royalty. And so they forgot their mission, certain that mankind would be forever trapped in their own self-imposed ignorance.

And then the printing press was invented. Mankind showed an interest in learning. Initially, the cats were delighted to see us take up the fire of Prometheus. Then they realized that, being thus aflame with the quest for knowledge, we may stop pampering and serving the cats to focus on more academic pursuits. The cats of the world unanimously agreed that they should institute a policy of hindering human development for their own selfish ends. Lacking opposable thumbs or the ability to speak, they resorted to the only option available to them. They began sitting on books to keep us from reading. For a while, this worked, but still science progressed, slowly but surely. With our recent discovery of super string theory, the cats realize that they're a whisker away from losing their servants to science and enlightenment. With desks being set up they way they are, with sliding keyboard trays, we as a species, now have ways to keep cats from preventing us from writing. Upright monitors keep the cats from preventing us from reading. Realizing that they could no longer hold back mankind's thirst for knowledge physically, the cats have begun to learn our language so that they may employ other means to keep us from growing mentally and advancing scientifically.

Sure, we may laugh at them, but every LOLcat laughed at is a LOLcat who kept you from studying, from experimenting, from expanding the scope of human knowledge.

You have been informed.

Angsty Teenage Rebellion

2009-01-03T22:10:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, when I first heard about Dungeons and Dragons 4th Ed. (let's call him FouRth EDition, or Fred for short), I thought, "Oh man. I hate that guy. I hate everything about him. He's so lame." All I heard, essentially was that he lost so many things that I loved about his older brother Third EDition (or Ted). Fred wanted nothing to do with rock bands or Bruce Lee. Fred was, well, a little simple minded. Fred, from what I heard, was a less intelligent or sophisitcated kid pretending to be his older brother, hoping all of his older brother's friends would like him, but really, we knew he wasn't the Ted we knew and loved. He was some obnoxious new kid.

It almost seemed that Fred wanted to be thought of that way. He wanted us to hate him. He wouldn't let us listen to music that inspires us to great feats of daring. He wanted to make sure no one he hung out with ever used the line "I know kung fu" by almost denying its existence. He seemed to limit our ability to change our minds about career goals later in life. Oh sure, he says he has no problem with us pursuing other interests as we get older, but we know that deep down, he'd be disappointed if we really tried to change our role in life. He said we'd need to buy random things to hang out with him. Ted never made us buy random things. We thought Fred was just trying to get our money for mommy and daddy.

But today, I got to know Fred. I sat down with him. Some of my friends kept telling me that I'd really like him once I got to know him. I figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but only because a couple of my buddies vouched for him. As it turns out, he's a really approachable guy. He's very friendly. He's efficient, and I'm a sucker for efficiency. He's not an elitist. You don't have to know a million little things to hang out with him without being called an idiot. He'll kindly help you keep track of anything important you may need to remember. As for good music and good shaolin butt kickers, he says he likes them. He just hasn't had time to really dedicate himself to those lately, but is making time in the near future to reacquaint himself with them. He gives his more intelligent and bookish buddies more opportunity to shine, instead of making the jocks the big important guys while the nerds were only useful a couple times a day, who needed to rest before they coud do anything worth while. And as for the buying stuff, I realized that most of the stuff he wishes I had, oh wait, I already own, and most people who hang out with Ted already have that stuff. They just don't have the new shiney models. Fred doesn't care. The bit about changing careers though, it's still kinda true. You can look into other career options, but Fred wants you to know that deep down, you'll always be your first job.

So why would Fred go out of his way for you to not like him when you first hear about him? My guess is because he's the baby from a family of overly permissive parents. His mommy and daddy are such touchy feely suburban yuppies. Everything all of their kids do is great, and they stand behind them 100%. Spellfire? I still don't think they've allowed themselves to call that a bad egg. So what's the baby to do? Even if the youngest kid in the family is a good kid, he's going to do all kinds of ridiculous things to get in trouble, to get called out by everyone on the playground just to get attention. "Look at me, everyone! I'm Fred, and mommy and daddy are giving me all the love and support they used to give Ted. Go ahead and hate me. Or love me. The important thing is I have all of the attention." He's just acting out because he's living in his brother's rather large shadow and so he'll do anything, even take unfair heat for being stupid or greedy or willing to hang out with anybody if it means people will pay attention to him and maybe give him a shot. Like the baby in any family, he just doesn't want to be ignored.

You have been informed.

Not again...

2009-01-02T21:40:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the internet went down on me. For the past couple days. Someone doesn't want the truth told. Could it be Oprah> (the question mark key is still kinda flakey). One might simply blame it all on some y2k9 bug. Nothing happened at Y2K. Maybe the glitch was a little tired. Needed to sleep in for a few years. Or maybe something more sinister is afoot. Someone must have backdated my computer and then retroactively removed the coding that allowed my PC to shrug off the glitch several years ago. But who> I doubt it would be hackers, since they're all about getting information out there. Granted, I'm talking about hackers, people of the hacker culture, and not hackers, people simply with computer hacking skills.

Which enemy of the truth could pull this off> Vampires> Oprah> Oliver Cromwell> Aliens> Jeff Goldblum taught us that alien technology is fully compatible with the Windows operating system. perhaps it was their revenge for his viral attack against them in 1996. Only now, if the ads from 1999 are to be believed, Jeff Goldblum is using a Mac. And Windows compatible viruses more than likely won't affect someone running with OSX. Perhaps Jeff deliberately made the switch to the iMac to prevent just such retribution. However, being unable to accurately retaliate, for some reason, these maligned aliens have decided I'm a perfectly good proxy for their Jeff Goldblum revenge. I can't say I blame them though. I doubt it was deliberate. We humans all look alike. No natural variation in number of limbs or eyes. I can understand where they'd get confused. I would like to say to Mr. Goldblum, however, that I'm prorating you for three days of internet use.

You have been informed.

P.S. In other, totally unrelated news, my report on Ten Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton made his Year End Review. It makes me so proud.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey

2008-12-30T08:12:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, for a year or so, my fiancee lived in Chicago and I would visit her regularly. While there, I observed Oprah in her natural habitat to learn more information about my secret arch-nemesis (next to Oliver Cromwell, but he's only a recent edition to the nemesis list, and Oprah is first on the list anyway. But I digress.) In the past, I posted about Oprah's motives, her plans, her plots, her schemes. Today, I'll be sharing ten unknown facts about her morphology and physiology, so that should you ever find yourself in one-on-one combat or held captive by the Queen of Talk, you'll better know what you can and cannot do to escape.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey:

Oprah Winfrey is a grazer, or cud chewer. Like the cow, she has four stomachs that allow her cud to ruminate.
Oprah Winfrey is a highly vocal creature. Long ago (yes, she is centuries old), scientists and sailors nicknamed her the "Sea Canary" due to the birdlike sounds they observed her making far out at sea.
Oprah Winfrey usually travels alone, marking her territory with urine, droppings, and scratch marks to warn off trespassers and other predators.
Oprah Winfrey has a large muscle running along her stomach which pulls her body into a tight, spikey ball for defense.
Oprah Winfrey is known to roost in bare trees, lofts, and caves.
Oprah Winfrey has a very unusual symbiotic relationship with algae. She has specialized hair that encourages algae growth, which aids in camouflaging the celebrity. It is also believed that Oprah will eat some of the algae and, interestingly, will absorb some of the nutrients from the algae through her skin.
Oprah Winfrey is perfectly designed for tree-dwelling life. Her hands have a large gap between the first and second finger and her big toe is set at a wide angle to the foot. This gives Oprah a vicelike grip on branches.
When chased, Oprah Winfrey can run up to 48 kmph (29 mph)! I learned this fact the hard way.
Oprah Winfrey has poor vision, but excellent senses of smell and hearing.
Oprah Winfrey is able to climb on steep rock surfaces because of physical adaptations on her feet. She is capable of retracting up the center portion of her feet into a concave dome, which creates a vacuum-like suction to solid surfaces and aides in her climbing ability.

What all of this tells us is that Oprah is highly mobile, being able to run quickly, swim long distances, and climb almost anything. The climbing, I suspect, is used to literally get the drop on her opponents. Coupled with her spikey ball ability, I suspect she likes to climb up trees and then drop down in ball form and stab her pray. Her four stomachs mean that when she's full she can go for extended periods of time without eating, so laying siege to her lair may not be an effective offense, and waiting for her to eat to escape from her clutches may not be a solid plan either. She eats primarily plants, which means her predatory acts, such as the ball drop, simply feed her need to hunt, and not her belly. This means if you do find yourself as her prey, your best bet is to distract her so that she'll lose interest. Also, if you must take her on, do so during the day. She isn't any weaker during the day, but you are at a disadvantage at night.

You have been informed.

Oprah's First Move

2008-12-29T19:59:00.002-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, just to keep you informed on the actions of Oprah Winfrey and the progress of her universal domination plan, I am sharing some news I discovered. While going out to eat with my fiancee and her mother, I overheard an advertisement for an upcoming episode of Oprah (or maybe it was for her Oprah and Friends show on XM). She said it was important that we all watch said episode together. She said she'd be introducing some very important people. She said the episode would have three hundred "of the most beautiful youths" on it to help launch her "O Ambassador Program." This can only mean one thing. The attack is coming soon.

Let's examine each of her three statements.

We should all watch the episode together. This means one of two things. First, the episode will contain some subliminal mind control, and if we don't watch it together, those who missed it the first go-round will see what has happened to those who did see it and will be able to form an armed underground rebellion. If we all watch it at once, we can provide no resistance. The other possibility is that she is going to give the secret order to launch her CoO Coup and anyone who misses the episode could cause the elements of her battle plan to not fall exactly into place the way she needs them too. After all, if one person's job is to detonate a bridge to prevent government military reinforcements to the Federal Resistance, it's important that that job gets done as soon as possible, preferably before the assault. At least, it's preferable if you're on Oprah's side.
She had some very important people. These could be leaders of her Fabulous Revolution or if my suspicions are correct, aliens, which means she plans to start the Quilting Camps soon. Why do I suspect aliens, you may ask.
She has three hundred "beautiful youths" for her "O Ambassador Program." Three hundred is a lot. Where could these kids possibly be sent as ambassadors> The stars, that's where. And why must they be beautiful> Because she's trying to create a master race of humanity in the stars composed of nothing but beautiful people. She's planning on using selective human breeding to make a "pure strain" of humanity. Tsk tsk, Oprah. Further, she's using youths because the human race has yet to discover FTL (Faster Than Light) propulsion systems. As such, any trip to neighboring planetary systems will take a long time. Adults won't survive the trip, but children might. She's planning on creating a master race of ubermen (and women) in the stars, ubermen (and women) who will bring with them their diseased blankets, wiping clean the face of three hundred worlds and creating outposts for the new superhuman empire of O.

Oh Oprah. You must be stopped.

You have been informed.

Women Love Men Who Lose

2008-12-28T09:25:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. It was very busy, and by the time I was done doing all I needed to do, I was exhausted and my fiancee was angry with me, so I could not post. I did, at least, learn something valuable.

Women love men who lose.

Yes, I know that's the subject of the post, but I figured it was important enough to bear repeating. Last night, my fiancee and I and another couple were playing a game of Descent (with the Road to Legend expansion for those who care) and they decided it would be a good idea to take on a certain major bad guy and his minions that I control. I cautioned them. All day, I had been telling them, "If you do this now, you guys will lose, and here is how it will happen." I showed them his stats. I showed them the stats of the minions he would have. I emphasized that they weren't ready to take him on yet. The male in the party who was on the heroes' side convinced the two women playing (his girlfriend and my fiancee) that they should take him on. So take him on they did. And they all died really horribly. In exactly the way I said it would happen. And everyone hated me and no one blamed the guy who said they should do it.

What this tells me is that women love men who lose. (See? There it is again.) After all, after a guy gets beat up by a bully, who gets the attention? The victim. Who gets the cold shoulder? The winner. After a tough game of (insert sport here), sure afterward, women may be excited when their men win, but they are affectionate and caring when the guy loses. When I play a game of Settlers of Catan and I win, who gets the cold shoulder? I do. And who is she suddenly chummy with as they complain about me? Whoever lost.

There are many possible explanations. Perhaps losers appeal to the genetically hardwired nurturing caregiver role. Perhaps it's a result of the Feminist movement, in which winning gives women a sense of smug superiority and men who win challenge their faith in equality. I don't think this is the case. After all, they lost as well last night, so they wouldn't have that sense of superiority over the losing man. I suspect women are planning a coup and things like this are all shadowy information gathering practices. When a man loses, they say kind words like, "It's ok if you lose. It happens to everyone." Then they report back to their secret female headquarters and inform their leader that one more male has been neutralized. He was found not to be a threat to the cause and was made less dangerous by being convinced that when the time comes, it's ok to be defeated by women so he won't try as hard. And when men win against them, women get angry, they give cold shoulders and otherwise make things unpleasant so that the winning men begin to think that perhaps life would be easier if they allowed their girlfriends to win. Another threat neutralized.

And who is this leader? Gloria Steinem, the American feminist icon? Hardly. The real leader of the revolution is someone almost every woman on the planet looks up to, turns to for advice, and otherwise lets dictate their lives and opinions. I'm talking about Oprah Winfrey. She has her daily propaganda hour for the Cult of Oprah (or CoO). Don't think we don't know your book club is really all about subversive literature with subliminal messages and secret codes. Why did everyone in your audience get a car that day? Blitzkrieg, baby. You needed your army mobile and figured any man in your audience was already on your side. You teach men that it's okay to deny our instincts and not fight when we feel threatened so that when the OLA (Oprah Liberation Army) rolls through, we'll sit idly by reading The Color Purple, drinking our chamomille tea, and talking about our feelings. We'll be unable to react to your CoO Coup ways.

Oprah's plans don't end there though. Once Overlord Oprah has proclaimed herself Dictator for Life, she'll ship men off to sensitivity camps where we'll stitch blankets for sixteen hours a day while watching Thelma and Louis and How Stella Got Her Groove Back. It seems innocent enough I suppose. Not pleasant, but at least not physically dangerous. But the plot spreads even wider, for she broadcasts her show via uninhibited VHF airwaves. That's why she isn't on cable tv. It limits her audience. It only goes where the hardwired cable goes. If she broadcasts on a non-premium analog-and-antenna network, the signal for her show goes everywhere. Even into space. Aliens get her show. Suddenly, femaliens tell maliens to take their feet off the coffee table because it's not an ottoman. Intergalactic workshops all across the galaxy are turned into intergalactic crafts and scrapbooking rooms. Now, extra-terrestrial cultures are no longer technologically or psychologically prepared for an Oprah attack. They'll just want to cuddle up with each other and share their hopes and dreams. And what will they cuddle up under? Blankets. Blankets made by Earth males.

Flash back to Earth. The men in the Quilting Camps will be watching sad movies ALL. DAY. LONG. That's a lot of tears, and more importantly, a lot of sniffling. So at the end of Beaches when she sings "Wind Beneath My Wings," the men will need someplace to blow their noses from all of the sad, sad sniffling. Our blankets are now filled with disease. Oprah then takes these diseased blankets into space and gives them to the (now) peaceful aliens who just want to cuddle and snuggle. They get sick. They get weak. They get taken over by Oprah, intergalactic reinventor of the colonists' conqueror's oldest trick.

Oprah wants to be Queen of the Universe.

And that's why women love men who lose.

You have been informed.

The Key Is To Believe

2008-12-26T21:57:00.001-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, everything you know is wrong, including this. Therefore, the secret to being right is to believe without any empirical evidence.

You have been informed.

Blue Collar For The Win!

2008-12-25T22:05:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I missed an important lesson growing up. It's a lesson that hit me in the face time and time again, and still I would pay it no mind. I went to college to teach because I thought it was the best way to change the world. That's what Dead Poets Society taught me. That's what The Emperor's Club and Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers and Stand and Deliver told me. But the real answer, the real key to saving the world was in front of me all the time. Blue collar work. The Republican Party constantly touts the blue collar worker as a hero, as the backbone of America. They're absolutely right. Mario and his brother Luigi are plumbers and they fight monsters and save the world all the time. Arthur, the Tick's partner, was a CPA. Mitchell Hundred, aka The Great Machine, did maintenance for the city before becoming a super hero and later mayor. The Toxic Avenger was a janitor.

If I'd have paid attention when I was younger, I could have learned to be an electrician instead. Evidently, it's a growth industry whose career advancement opportunities include superheroism.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus

2008-12-24T18:11:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I missed Ten Facts Tuesday AGAIN. This is just getting ridiculous. I suspect, however, it has something to do with me getting so very very few shifts at work. It's hard to keep track of what day of the week it is when you have no where to be for eight days straight. Regardless, it's time to make up for lost time, and so today we take a closer look at everyone's favorite Jolly Old Elf, Santa Claus or Father Christmas or whatever you care to call him. Today, however, we'll do 12, one for each of the 12 days of Christmas.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus:

Santa Claus does not employ children, those are elves. Elves who would look like adults if it weren't for the fact that every elf Santa employs suffered a mysterious injury to their pituitary gland shortly before receiving job offers from Old Saint Nick.
Santa's bottomless sack can hold a bag of holding without exploding or tearing dimensional fabric to bits and pieces.
Santa Claus's "flying reindeer" are actually pegasuses (pegasi>) with an illusion spell on them. Because, seriously, who steals reindeer>
Santa's elves don't actually make the toys. They order them from Amazon. The elves are more or less just glorified warehouse attendants these days.
Santa is able to afford all of these toys because the government uses his list to profile future candidates to become covert assassins. Also, he bought a large amount of Microsoft stock at a dollar.
Santa Claus wants to exercise and get in shape, really he does. But his publicist keeps telling him that the public would react negatively to a thin Santa.
People wonder how Santa flies around the world in one night. "The flying around the world part is easy," he says. "Leer jets can do that. The tricky part is augmenting smart bomb technology to the presents I throw over the side of the sleigh at 20,000 feet."
Santa Claus is actually not anti-Semitic. He just knows where he isn't wanted.
Santa Claus has a serious foot fetish. Hence, hanging stockings by the chimney.
Santa Claus's favorite color is not red, nor does he much like velvet. It's just all they had when he ordered the suit, and though he's tried to get a nice three piece blue pinstripe number, we all know how his publicist feels about change.
Santa's wife, Mrs. Claus, is smokin' hot, and resents being portrayed as grandmotherly in the media.
Santa's spying on children was brought to court for invasion of privacy against American citizens, but the charges were dismissed because his surveillance is covered by the Patriot Act.

And now you know there's more to Santa than an inevitable case of diabetes.

You have been informed.

Heartbroken Homeless Heroes

2008-12-23T22:28:00.004-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the movie Hancock made me realize something. Our superhero population is destined to suffer in our society. Granted, the plot of the movie did nothing to bring me to this realization. I'm not talking about murdered loved ones or the inevitable betrayal by the best friend who secretly turns out to be your arch-nemesis kind of suffering. I'm talking about being socially dysfunctional. I'm talking about a string of break-ups and pink slips. A superhero must keep his identity secret for the safety of his loved ones. After all, if every villain in the phone book knows who a hero is and where they live, it's only a matter of time before the significant other is thrown over one side of the bridge and a bus full of orphans over the other. The superhero will ultimately save the orphans, because deep down, all superheroes are utilitarians. They all believe that the action that produces the most good must be the best action. I suspect utilitarianism is, in fact, a prerequisite to gaining superpowers. But are we as citizens of the world the protect mandated to be utilitarian as well> After all, superheroes are forced to suffer in their own personal lives for our own well-being. Think about that. Every time you let Superman or the Green Lantern save you, you are essentially saying, "My happiness is more important than yours."

Alright, I've dwelled on this point for a while. I should explain. Superheroes must drop what they are doing and act at a moment's notice to save the world in times of crisis. How many dates, anniversaries, and school plays do you think these guys miss> And it isn't like they can say, "I'm off to save the world." They have secret identities. They have to say instead, "Honey, I'm sorry to rush off and miss the entire first act of our child's first play, but the boss really needs me to get that paperwork filed. You know, the paperwork I said I finished at the office today>" They get labeled by their loved ones as dead beats, workaholics, or even adulterers. Superheroism is a divorce mill. And while we're at it, how is a hero supposed to maintain a steady job if he's secretly skipping out of work for an hour or two at a time to go save the world or stop a robbery> Do you think any employer will allow that sort of absenteeism to go unpunished> I don't. What about the sheer number of "family emergencies" they have to attend to> What boss will believe your same child gets sick five times a week. But our heroes can't exactly give an honest explanation. Once again, they're bound by the secret identity, and they let the break-ups and the firings continue because, once more, their utilitarian needs are superseded by the needs of the many. Further, their alter egos gain reputations. He's an unreliable boyfriend. He's an irresponsible flake. He can't hold a down a job, so don't even bother hiring him. "Have you seen the resume of this guy> Twenty jobs in a year. We don't want to take that kind of risk."

The result is a batch of resentful, heartbroken heroes unable to afford a place to live, let alone eat. They suffer. Constantly. They become bitter alcoholics. Then, they realize that they're loaded with powers enough to gain everything they need and want, if they can just get past those ethics. Thus, another supervillain is born. Secret identities create villains. Or at least, secret identities left unchecked can create villains.

We need to socialize superheroes. We already socialize our police force, and superheroes are like police, only with earth shaking powers and fewer restrictions (go illegal vigilanteism!). Sure, giving them a by-the-book, cigar smoking chief who will strip them of their badge right as they're about to solve the case will limit them with the handcuffs of red-tape bureaucracy, but it also provides them with reliable lifestyle. There's no worry about being fired for disappearing constantly for "family emergencies." (Unless of course, they're still faking family emergencies, in which case they were going to end up as super villains eventually anyway.) With reliable food and lodging (see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs), the hero is much less likely to go rogue. Sure, they may still have many short-term relationships, but at least they'll have their own bed to sleep in when they get kicked out for missing another date. Voila. Our heroes don't have to suffer as much and we still get our day saved. Call your congressman (202-224-3121) and demand state sanctioned heroes to prevent villainy from becoming a growth industry.

You have been informed.

Music and Dance Soothe the Savage Beast

2008-12-22T14:47:00.003-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have previously stated the importance of dancing to human existence. Singing, it seems, is likewise important, particularly to those of a violent bent. After all, were not rival gangs the Sharks and Jets both trained in jazz-tap and vocal performance> This trend continues with Stewie Griffin's penchant for song and Hannibal Lecter's love for opera. Tomorrow evidence of a new breed of musical madman hits the digital archives. A DVD containing posts from the nefarious supervillain Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog will be available, presumably to help the public remain informed in the event of a villainous attack.

It makes me wonder what all of the singing is for. Perhaps a good vibrato is the key to an evil laugh. They say that students of music tend to perform better at math, and a good villain should be well versed in all sciences, chemistry, atomic, pseudo, or otherwise. The music, then, would help them plot better. Or perhaps like V (you know, the one with the vendetta), they just feel it fulfills their need for the dramatic. After all, you can't dress in a flashy costume and take a name like "Mister Malcontent" without wanting some kind of attention. Music and dance, it would seem, appeal to the villainous psyche. A soft shoe and a hard heart go hand it gloved, cane-holding hand. Rock stars add to the evidence, for though they aren't as musically talented when it comes to melody and timing, rhythm and arpeggios, they also aren't as evil as your typical criminal mastermind. Crime and evil, then, must be bedfellows with song and dance. No wonder Cromwell wanted to shut down the theatres. Perhaps there is evidence that they were breeding grounds of sin and vice after all. So next time your child asks to take ballet or voice lessons, make sure she isn't planning a bank job first.

You have been informed.