I'm so confused

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been doing some thinking. Lately, I've had the very best intentions of sitting down to research and uncover some long lost truths, but I find myself perpetually distracted by movies and games and tv and quality time with the fiancee. All of this is fun, but it keeps me from investigating the truth. I now find myself at a moral and logical dilemma that I must resolve.

Learning and seeking the truth is Good. Therefore, that which keeps me from seeking the truth is Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships keep me from seeking the truth. Therefore, games, movies, TV, and relationships are Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are also Fun. Because these things are Fun and also Evil, we must conclude that Fun is Evil. Fun leads to Happiness, which makes Happiness also Evil. The United States Constitution guarantees all the right to the pursuit of happiness. Therefore, the United States Constitution guarantees all the right to pursue Evil. If, as they say, the most feared Evil is the Indifference of the Good, that is the Good that allows Evil to flourish, then the United States Constitution must be Evil. If the Constitution is Evil, than anything that bases its governmental philosophy upon it must likewise be Evil. Those who act to destroy Evil are Good. Terrorists seek to destroy the United States, which is Evil. Terrorists must therefore be Good.

Except that Terrorists deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence, all of which are Evil. Those who deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence must therefore also be Evil. Evil cannot abide Good, and seeks to destroy it. Therefore, that which Evil opposes must be Good. Terrorists oppose the United States Government, so the United States Government must be Good. The Good cannot draw their morality on Evil philosophies. Therefore that on which the United States Government bases its moral precepts, the United States Constitution, must be Good. That which is good cannot condone Evil. Therefore, the pursuit of Happiness must be Good. If pursuing Happiness is Good then Happiness itself must be Good. Fun is a means to pursue Happiness. Therefore, Fun is Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are Fun and so must therefore be Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth. Again, the Good must attempt to thwart that which is Evil. Therefore, because games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth, and games, movies, TV, and relationships are Good, then pursuing the Truth must be Evil. If Happiness is good because pursuing Happiness is Good, then we are finally forced to conclude that the Truth must be evil because pursuing it is evil, which ultimately means lying is Good. If lying is Good then I've been doing this blog all wrong. Rather than seeking out the truth, I should have been making stuff up, exaggerating, and jumping to absurd, sensational conclusions based on the tiniest shred of fact if anything at all.

I find myself at an impasse. Because logic cannot make up its mind on whether things are Good or Evil, I am forced to sit back for a moment and contemplate the moral imperative behind this blog.

You have been informed.

And What Do You Burn Witches On>

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we've all heard the infallible logic of Sir Bedivere in regards for identifying witches. My fiancee and I have both come down ill, and we don't know who gave it to us. Clearly, we've been bewitched. So what did we do today> We built a big roaring fire in the fireplace. Coincidentally, the fiancee is feeling a little better. My cough, however, is getting a little worse. Perhaps I didn't burn the right witch. I threw wood randomly on the fire, assuming of course that because all witches are made of wood, all wood must be made of witches. This syllogism proved false, and now the surviving witch is agitating my lungs in spite. Clearly the important thing I forgot to do is weigh each piece of wood against a duck. Witches are made of wood. Wood floats. Ducks float. So if a person and a duck weigh the same, the person is a witch because she weights the same as a duck, which, like wood, floats. So in theory, if witches are made of wood, I should have checked the wood to see if it weighed the same as a duck. If the wood weighed more or less than a duck, I would be forced to conclude that the wood was not wood at all and therefore could not have been the witch who has been tormenting me. 

Tomorrow, I catch a duck from the lake and weigh it against the firewood before throwing it onto the flames. Being thus more thorough than I was today, I hope to get rid of this bronchitis curse once and for all. Should you find yourself ill too, remember, the secret is to find a piece of wood that weighs as much as a duck and burn it. Burn it if you ever want to feel healthy again.

You have been informed.