Writer's Block Will Be the Death of Me

Ladies and Gentlemen, I haven't had any decent ideas for anything to turn my investigative eye on in a while, so I haven't been writing here. I've gotten stumped on my novel even though I know pretty much exactly what I want to say. I'm often unable to come up with adventures for my Friday night gaming group until the very last minute. Even today, while at work, I had an idea for a post here and then poof, gone she went. I can't hold onto an idea to save my life. Because this blog and my future career depend on imparting ideas, I can only assume that means something wants me dead. Some precognitive spirit can see my future and knows that any day now I'll walk down some dark alley and a mugger is going to pull a gun and say, "Give me all your ideas," and I, being unable to provide any, will be shot.

You see, there's an old saying. "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Yeah, he eats, but it'll be a short lifetime from mercury poisoning. I mean, man can't live on fish alone. Maybe it should be "If you teach a man to fish, farm, and probably hunt as well on top of any marketable trade skill you can teach him such as carpentry or gun repair, he eats for a lifetime." But I digress.

The point is, in this economy, it's not enough to get money for today. Everyone wants financial security. A standard Watch-N-Wallet Mugging feeds a man for a day, possibly a week if the watch is a Rolex. But a mugger who steals ideas is investing in his future. A stolen storyline can be turned into a novel, to reap a comfortable residual income over several months or years. Likewise, a stolen innovation can lead to patents that can theoretically ensure even one's children eat for life. A stolen lyric makes its way into a song whose royalties will pay for a Rolls Royce. The intelligent mugger these days will not ask for cash, but rather for stock tips. The creative criminal will not demand an individual's shoes, but rather his clever screenplay pitch.

Thus it will be with me when I walk down that unforeseen dark alley and a man with a gun demands a clever idea for a TV show or blog post, and I will die because of my writer's block.

Note to self: Find out who's out to kill you by keeping you from developing any ideas.

As for the rest of you, keep a notebook of random thoughts in your pocket. It could save your life. Especially if you're prone to traveling down menacing streets at night.

You have been informed.

Nocturnal Truth?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I meant to post this last night, but my network died on me. Stupid sentient computers thwarting my mad truth skillz. It occurred to me that lately I can't think of anything to research until right before I go to bed a night. Am I becoming nocturnal? Perhaps my brain is lunar powered, or worse, I'm becoming a vampire. Hopefully it's the lunar powered thing. I really like garlic bread. That's your (late) mini-truth for yesterday. I'll get something better for you later today. Assuming the computer hasn't shut me out again.

You have been informed.

Researcher's block

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have researcher's block. I have no idea what to investigate, what to share today. No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to demand to be researched. I look at the headlines and nothing screams, "There's something more going on here than what they're saying." Why would I, of all people, be unable to seek out hidden truths today?

I find it highly unlikely that there is nothing important happening. Something must be happening, but for me not to sense it, it must be something so huge that someone would use a mind scrambler of some sort on me to keep me from discovering it before I can leak word and stop it.

But who could possess such a mind scrambler? Mad scientists? The government? The Screen Actors Guild? I do find it suspicious that I wasn't suspicious when I read about their impending strike. It must be them.

So, SAG is up to some big secret plans beyond the strike and they're scrambling my brains to keep me from investigating. Those sneaky jerks. But what could they be up to? Oscar season is upon us. Perhaps they have the Super-Movie, no doubt staring a recently deceased celebrity (or one they plan to make deceased very soon) about a mentally handicapped Jewish gay man during the Holocaust fighting for the right to die, but with dignity and on his own terms. Such a movie would be bound to win best picture and gross millions upon millions in DVD sales. And they're hiding this movie. No, they've stolen the movie and they're holding it hostage unless the studios give into their demands! They probably have the star kidnapped too, with the promise to kill the actor once their demands have been reached and the film returned.

But what are their demands? Money? No. They always ask for more money. That wouldn't justify all of that effort. Jet packs? Eagle-Talon High Fives? Jet packs they could probably buy, and you can't force an eagle to give you a high five. One way or another, after a plan like this, the actors will need to lay low for a while.

That's it! They are demanding that for every role they play, the studios provide a legal identity for that character including birth certificates, drivers licenses, social security cards. This makes perfect sense. Actors are constantly getting DUIs. It will let them drive drunk without the tabloids getting them, because it isn't Mel Gibson throwing racial slurs at a cop. It's William Wallace, or at least that's what the license says. Further, with multiple social security cards, they'll collect multiple social security checks when they're older, thus cheating the American tax payers out of their money. Such a sinister retirement plan. This money will no doubt be spent to... no...

This is what they're up to.

The screen actor's guild is holding hostage a movie about a gay, mentally challenged Jewish piano savant with tuberculosis fighting for the right to die on his own terms in a Nazi concentraiton camp. They are also holding the staring actor hostage with a promise to kill the actor when talks are resolved, thus ensuring the greatest Oscar win ever, making the studios tons of money. In exchange, the actors get official identities for every character they've ever played. As such, any character they've played old, or any character from a time set before now will be able to collect social security checks, which they will use to go on an alcohol and drug induced killing spree across the country as they flee from Hollywood to Canada (I don't know why they aren't fleeing to Mexico). With their new drivers licenses, however, all of the DUIs won't slow them down, since they can surrender a different license every time they're pulled over.

Look out, Canada! There are about twelve thousand coked up alcoholic actors coming your way!

No wonder they scrambled my brains. If only they hadn't, I could research that...

You have been informed.