iSpy

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I apologize for my prolonged (re: 10 month) absence. One would be amazed how much time guiding the future of 130 youths of America can take. Last year, I had sixty-eight, and I struggled to churn out one post per long while. This year, I have twice that number, and it is equally challenging though more time consuming. I can at least rest assured in knowing that some small portion of our future leaders is heading out into the world with an eye on the truth and not that rubbish we're expected to believe.

Still, something caught my attention that I felt needed addressing. Anna Chapman. How did this slip by my radar? And no, I'm not simply referring to her hotness on par with Jewel Staite (though we will discuss the pros and cons of a hot spy later in the program).

Oh, big deal. So she spied for the Russians. It's the Russians. Who cares about them anymore? The Cold War is over, and we're no longer enemies. Maybe neighbors who aren't so keen on the way the other mows his lawn at five in the morning EVERY SATURDAY. If she's passing on secrets, I can't imagine they're beyond the international equivalent of neighborhood gossip. Who didn't return whose rake? Or, I suppose on a more accurate scale, who isn't returning whose scientists. The fact that her discovery led to a highly publicized spy exchange simply proves the no-big-deal nature of the situation. What? You mean you're going to give back the tools we left at your place and we're going to return the stuff you left at ours? Sounds awfully neighborly of you. And the fact that the media heard about it at all says it's nothing to care about. International neighborhood gossip. It's the really big secrets that you never hear about. Which brings us to my point.

She was a spy, alright, but it wasn't the political intrigue that should shiver the very marrow of our bones. No, it's something much more dark and sinister. I'm referring to the clear cut case of techno-corporate espionage that's going on here. Everyone talks about the encrypted files she transferred. No one focuses on the fact that she sent them from Starbucks. And while the press covers her new banking job, people are overlooking the seriousness of the situation. She works in IT. As an advisor. On innovation. This very same woman whose fashion choices are discussed as regularly and as fervently as her... ahem... questionable career choices. I'm not implying that as an attractive, fashion-minded young woman, she is incapable of performing IT work. Quite the contrary. Do a google search on Jewel Staite's character Kaylee Frye from the show Firefly to see what kicks her up and above the competition in the Women Mr. Truth Would Manipulate Circumstances to Ensure When He Gets Stranded on a Desert Isle, She/They Are Stranded with Him Contest.

The connection between coffee, clothes, and computers is, in my opinion, far more sinister. I believe, based on the evidence presented before us, that Anna Chapman is a hipster. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. She did her work from a coffee shop, which hipsters love. True, it's Starbucks, which hipsters hate (at least publicly), but it would be irresponsible to ignore, especially considering Starbucks' Seattle origins, one of the world's Hipster Hotspots. Plus, free wi-fi, and we all know being a hipster is all about spending big bucks on presenting an image of being cool while not spending big bucks.
2. Her clothes. Yes, they're pretty. And maybe they're expensive, maybe they aren't. But they are nice without looking like they cost a fortune. They look more like lucky finds to me. "OMG! I totally just found the cutest red dress at a thrift store and was able to snag it for twenty rubles!" It's like pre-faded jeans. They look cool AND because they are artificially aged, they make it look like you thought they looked cool way before anyone else thought they looked cool. Being the first on the scene (before it's the scene, actually) is kinda what being a hipster is all about.
3. She met her husband at a rave. Granted, now that's not the thing for hipsters. They're into out of tune singers with an acoustic guitar and midi samplings from the final levels of MegaMan, but... hipsters, what can you do? Still, they met at a rave in 2001, before they became completely blasé.
4. She's a spy for Russia. Being a spy for Russia in America is so two decades ago. The feud is over. Which makes it pointless. Which makes it ironic. Which makes it hip. Hipsters love jobs that sound important but actually accomplish little to nothing (such as environmental advocate, speech writer for a third or even fourth party candidate, or undergrad in a liberal art). "Oh, you're doing your dissertation on the development of third world cultures when exposed to the latest album by The Unicorns? Well, I'm a spy for Russia." Score one for Comrade Hottypants.
5. She's into tech in a big way. Hipsters love tech. If your iPod isn't big enough to hold every band you've never heard of, you're just wasting their time. In fact, for all of their Corporate America hating, they love them some tech corporations (except Microsoft). Sorry, Microsoft. They love their big old Corporate Apple. Why? Because it's pretty, but not good for actually doing much of anything useful. Still, she's an IT girl, which means she's smarter than a mac. Probably runs Linux (because it isn't Windows but you can run programs on it that aren't designed for making music and movies you've never heard of look and sound prettier).
6. She lived in New York City at the time she was busted. New York City is considered the cultural center of the U.S. It's the place where trends start, where fashion and music have bizarre incestuous relationships producing a myriad of singers/fashion designers. With a history of counter culture (the whole bohemian village thing...), it's Hipster Heaven. Finding bands no one knows about to introduce to others is easy. Finding main stream things to ridicule is even easier.

Let's put it all together, shall we? She's an IT girl who hangs out in coffee shops with Mac loving hipsters, passing herself off as one of them all while spying, and now she's in charge of technological innovation? Sure it's a bank you work for Anna. We know who your real employer is. We know that the Russian spy thing was really just your harmless facade.

You work for the Japanese. Let us not forget that Japan, of course, is an Asian country, and oh yes, tech is big in Asia. Tech is huge. They can make robots for anything and design game systems like it's nobody's business. But how many Japanese products have that "Hipster Flair" the way an iPod does? And let us also not forget that Russia, though we never think of it as such, is situated in Asia. From Japan it's a hop, skip, and a jump to Russia. How difficult would it be for Japan to convince Russia to hire her on as a spy? After all, why pay for a spy yourself when you can have a spy on another country's dime.

Here's the truth, for the first time, regarding the espionage of Anna Chapman. Japan approaches her about spying on them. It seems their tech, though powerful, isn't "cool." Anna, being the sexy woman with a sexy foreign accent, could probably unearth all kinds of secrets of cool if she lived in New York. With their tech and that New York style, Japan would be an unstoppable force. But Japan wants to play it safe. They know about the kind of wrath Steve Jobs can inflict when he gets angry. So they approach Russia, Anna's homeland and former rival to the US. They plant a bug in Russia's ear that Anna Chapman should be their answer to James Bond. Sexy and secretive. Perfect, right? With this cover, Japan feels the U.S. will not care if Anna gets busted. They'll slap her on the wrist, send her home, but all of her true work, the Cool Equation (an equation using her IT based math skills to calculate exactly how cool something is), will come with her. And because she's a spy for Russia (and not a very secretive one if her husband noticed her slipping off to meet with Russians all the time), she's hip and ironic and allowed to infiltrate with open arms her real target, not the U.S. but the In Crowd.

Well played, Japan. You have her back home in Asia doing innovative tech work. Sure, it's for a "bank." A bank with the same initials as Russia's big spy program. Lets face it. That Russian bank is really a front for your shadowy colorful-mp3 cartel. Had to throw in a little irony there, didn't you? Keep her hipster vibe going? You win this time, Japan. But only because I'm fine with you taking Apple down a peg or two.

You have been informed.

P.S. I promised a pros and cons list of having sexy spies.

Pros:

• Easier to get secrets out of people with large libidos. Or even medium libidos.
• Easier to get away with cheesy puns and one-liners.
• Nobody wants to tango with the fat, sweaty, balding spy at the Embassy Ball.
• Makes your country look like you have standards. "We have so much talent to choose from, we only hire those who can do the job AND look good on the cover of a magazine."
• Gives enemy spies self-esteem issues.
• Better scenery during boring mission briefings and debriefings.
• Gives the impression that all of your spies are sexy, letting the nerdy, schlubby spies slip by unnoticed.

Cons:

• Increased risk of being frisked at airport security.
• When caught, rest assured, their picture will be all over the internet.
• Won't have much time to spy due to a full dance card at the Embassy Ball.
• Makes other spies more likely to kill them in a jealous rage.
• Will invariably shag every other attractive person around while on a mission, people who usually end up being spies and capturing them in their moments of vulnerability.
• Insist on dressing in the sexiest of clothes regardless of the mission. "Sniper skiing in the Alps? I think I'll wear the bright red evening gown with stiletto heels."
• Hard to slip by enemy security when they're undressing you with their X-Ray scanners and their eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I think the sexy spy is, well, sexy. To an insane degree. But I just don't see it being that effective for you in the long run. Still, what a steamy, Hollywood run it would be.

Wireless Internet is Dead

Ladies and Gentlemen, my internet was being appallingly bad yesterday. I was trying to use Skype in the dining room for my own nerdy gaming purposes but couldn't get a wireless signal on the laptop. A couple steps over into the kitchen and the signal was just fine. I found it strange the way the signal seemed to stop dead at the door between the two rooms. It puzzled me that the signal could travel through several walls to get to the kitchen, but couldn't move two more feet through an open door. Perhaps Oliver Cromwell had something to do with it. After all, even in the best of spots, the internet cuts out for seemingly no reason.

At that moment, lightning struck my brain.

At least metaphorically. Or rather, metaphorically in relation to the lightning, not the brain. Let's try that again.

At that moment, metaphoric lightning struck my real brain. (true, it lacks the panache of the first attempt, but this is clearer, and clarity does not obscure the truth).

Wireless internet connections are ghost powered. It makes so much sense.

Facts About Ghosts:

1. Ghosts can walk through walls.
2. Ghosts emit an electro-magnetic frequency.
3. Ghosts are bound to the items, people, or locations they haunt and cannot go beyond a certain radius of that item, person, or location.
   
4. Ghosts, specificaly Oliver Cromwell, are against technology, specifically my technology.

Facts About Wireless Interent Connections:

1. Wireless signals can go through walls.
2. Electronics, including wireless devices such as routers, emit electro-magnetic frequencies.
3. Wireless signals are bound to the item that generates them, and thus you cannot get a signal beyond a certain radius of the router.
4. My wireless signal fails all the time, suggesting it's against being a properly working piece of technology, specifically my technology.

Do I really need to spell it out more? It is abundantly clear and painfully obvious that wireless router "factories" are actually filled not with blue collar workers but cabals of technowizards who bind spirits--possibly spirits of communicatiosn experts, but really there's no way of telling without a Ouija board or going to the factory--to an access port in a router. The router is plugged into an ethernet cable. The ghost, being bound not to the cable, but the port cannot go running wild through the 'net. So what does it do? It seeks out other ports within a radius of its haunting place--the router--trying to find a way to be free. Perhaps the other port that it found will release it. Alas, no. So the ghost spends its days moving at the speed of though back and forth between all the wireless ports it can reach, trying to find the one that it can escape from. Meanwhile, every time it reaches a new port, he is forcibly injected with raw data, almost certanly an uncomfortable experience. So the next port he comes to, he purges this data into the other connection site, only to find it forcing more data back in. That's how wireless intercomputer communication works. And sometimes the spirit gets frustrated and refuses to run around anymore. Further, being a ghost, Oliver Cromwell could interact with it physically (well, physically for the ghosts at least), meaning he could actively attempt to stop the ghost from providing signal to my computer. After all, he overthrew a monarchy. Surely he could stop a ghost from running in circles.

It makes so much sense that I'm shocked I didn't discover this sooner. After all, we even have an expression about there being a "ghost in the machine." Why didn't it occur to me that it could be--and in fact is--a literal ghost?

You have been informed.

Yes, Definitely a Witch

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence (I do that so often). My girlfriend's witchiness has once again caused technology in her presence to go kaputt. In the past 2 days, I've restored her operating system five times and reformatted her hard drive twice (and reinstalling various programs accordingly). Her computer wasn't even hooked up to the internet. No viruses. No spyware. It just kept acting up. Clearly, she possesses magical abilities. Which, I suppose, explains why her pastries paste so darn good. The secret ingredient isn't love, oh no. It's the dark arts. Arts as dark as the chocolate in her cupcakes. 

The other reason for my absence is the increasingly frustrating work. I suspect that the higher one goes up in any employment hierarchy, the more of one's soul and-or mind it takes. A conspiracy is clearly afoot, because this happens at every job I've worked. The hierarchy is built around a machine, which is capable of surgically extracting portions of the victi-patient's soul or brain direction proportionate to the amount of authority they have. Thus, the more authority one is granted, the more soul or mind is removed. Promotion is met with operation. This clearly explains why the higher up the food chain you go, the dumber and more evil leadership becomes. That's the what, when, and how. The who, I'm guessing, is either the Illuminati or the forces of Evil. The only thing I have yet to determine (other than where they store this machine), is the where. Where do they keep it> That and, when you're promoted, do you have to choose one track, soul or mind, and then stick with it the whole way, or do you get to choose with each promotion, what you give up> 

You have been informed.

Not again...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the internet went down on me. For the past couple days. Someone doesn't want the truth told. Could it be Oprah> (the question mark key is still kinda flakey). One might simply blame it all on some y2k9 bug. Nothing happened at Y2K. Maybe the glitch was a little tired. Needed to sleep in for a few years. Or maybe something more sinister is afoot. Someone must have backdated my computer and then retroactively removed the coding that allowed my PC to shrug off the glitch several years ago. But who> I doubt it would be hackers, since they're all about getting information out there. Granted, I'm talking about hackers, people of the hacker culture, and not hackers, people simply with computer hacking skills. 

Which enemy of the truth could pull this off> Vampires> Oprah> Oliver Cromwell> Aliens> Jeff Goldblum taught us that alien technology is fully compatible with the Windows operating system. perhaps it was their revenge for his viral attack against them in 1996. Only now, if the ads from 1999 are to be believed, Jeff Goldblum is using a Mac. And Windows compatible viruses more than likely won't affect someone running with OSX. Perhaps Jeff deliberately made the switch to the iMac to prevent just such retribution. However, being unable to accurately retaliate, for some reason, these maligned aliens have decided I'm a perfectly good proxy for their Jeff Goldblum revenge. I can't say I blame them though. I doubt it was deliberate. We humans all look alike. No natural variation in number of limbs or eyes. I can understand where they'd get confused. I would like to say to Mr. Goldblum, however, that I'm prorating you for three days of internet use. 

You have been informed.

P.S. In other, totally unrelated news, my report on Ten Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton made his Year End Review. It makes me so proud.