Wednesday, September 17, 2008

10 Unknown Facts About Wil Wheaton

Ladies and Gentlemen, here in these United States, we often find ourselves caught up in a frenzied cult of celebrity, fueled by tabloids, headline news, and half a dozen "OMFG, she wore WHAT?" feeds. Too often we get caught up in the surface of these celebrities. Who are they dating? What projects are they working on? What drugs are they in rehab for? We find ourselves overlooking the subtleties that make them who they are. We miss their hidden little secrets. This regular installment will profile a celebrity by sharing ten facts about them that you may not know.

For this week's celebrity, I chose Wil Wheaton. Having just finished reading his book Just a Geek, I was shocked to find that while he addressed his career as an actor and writer and his nature as a geek, there were many things which only add to his geek street cred that he did not include. Below is a list of ten things about Wil Wheaton that he failed to mention in his book. And like Nigel Tuffnel's amp, this list of ten things goes to eleven.
FNORD
10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton:
  1. The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.
  2. Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.
  3. Wil knows whether or not the Johns Linnell and Flansburgh are, in fact, giants.
  4. Contrary to the Trekkie popular belief, Wil Wheaton cannot travel around time. However, when he desires it, time will travel around him.
  5. Wil Wheaton started a real AADA, but had to disband it after simultaneously defeating all five other co-founders with nothing but a Radio Flyer wagon and a single flaming oil jet. To be fair to his competitors, I must point out that it was an HD flaming oil jet.
  6. Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.
  7. Wil Wheaton has access to seventh level disciplines.
  8. Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.
  9. Wil Wheaton is the Kwisatz Haderach.
  10. Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!
  11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.
You have been informed. FNORD

22 comments:

Jocelyn Testes-Harder said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Lost Prophyt said...

Also: Wil Wheaton moonlights as the infamous Knerd Rider, although photographic evidence of such has since been removed from his Buzznet photo pool...

Anonymous said...

Shame on me for knowing what the AADA is.

Tom said...

While still mortal, could Wil be 'the' Starchild

Anonymous said...

AADA truth FTW!

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris must be out of town this weekend.

Anonymous said...

---
11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.
---


Man how I miss that game.

Hail Computer!

C. Coffman said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

---
11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.
---

Man how I miss that game.

Hail Computer!


Missing the game requires minimum green clearance, Citizen. Report for processing.

...hail Computer.

Mr. Lizard said...

I know! YOU are Wil. Braggart.

Mr. Truth said...

Mr Truth is NOT Wil (though he did get Wil's permission to post his little secrets)

Royce said...

Courtesy of myself (jeriendhal) and jvowles from LJ.

11. Wil has banged more hot chicks in costumes than you will ever meet.

12. The current Wil Wheaton is actually from the Mirror Universe, as evidenced by his Goatee of Doom.

13. Whenever a webcomic features Wil Wheaton, the artist must pay a fee of $1,000 or perform fellatio on Li'l Wil. To date, Wil has appeared in over 9,000 webcomics, but hasn't made a dime.

14. Wil saved the universe for the first time when he was making STAND BY ME, by single-handedly stopping an alien invasion. Since Wil was too humble to accept public fame for this, the President of the United States personally instructed the ST:TNG writers to include reference to Wil's contributions within the context of the show, under Executive Order 80-RG-FA-1-L.

15. Wil wrote the original version of WORLD OF WARCRAFT over a weekend. On a yellow legal pad, while at the beach.

16. Wil Wheaton was the original co-host G4's X-Play opposite Morgan Webb, but he was replaced for making her look too ugly.

17. Wil Wheaton is the only DM able to comprehend Chuck Norris' D&D stats.

18. Chuck Norris no longer plays D&D because Wil Wheaton caught him cheating, and tore up his sheet.

19. Wil Wheaton goes out for target practice with fellow sniper Dr Ruth Westheimer. He always outshoots her, then gives her tips on her sex life.

20. Wil played Portal once. He actually got cake. With his name on it.

Anonymous said...

who the hell IS wil wheaton?

ranger_hotsauce said...

@anonymous

Gee, if Only there were sOme way to Get Lots of information from thE InterneT.

poeboy said...

True story: Wil Wheaton is why the term "the shiznit" was created, and is, to date, its only truly accurate definition.

Ed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ed said...

biggest one in four counties

Anonymous said...

Beware the FNORD.

WTL said...

15a) In machine language.

Hope Persen said...

Wil Wheaton called down the Blue Lightning when Chuck Norris tried to reroll a 1 on a d20. To date, that Blue Lighting is the only force in the universe found to be stronger than a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Mr. Truth said...

Great, these days even SPAM posts need spoiler warnings...

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