Memories of Murder

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I really enjoy the TV show Law and Order, especially the original before there were a dozen law and order shows. However, something always struck me as odd when I watched the show. How were these gas station attendants and department store clerks always able to remember this one specific person a month or so later? They see hundreds if not thousands of people a day. By the time the police get to them, they've seen 10,000 customers or more, and yet they always have some vivid, but trivial memory of that person.

"Oh yeah, I remember her. She came in here and bought two tv dinners three weeks ago. One meatloaf and one macaroni. She paid with a five. I gave her two dollars and seventy-six cents back. Yeah, I remember her."

I can't dismiss this as bad fiction writing because everyone knows the show is based on real cases and real events. This leads me to one of two conclusions:

1. Working minimum wage cashier jobs helps develop memory recall in people.
2. When someone is about to die, those around them, particularly cashiers because they don't have to use as much of their brains at work so they develop psychic powers (as was proven in the book/movie Matilda), can sense it and though they can't identify what it is about this person, they know they should remember them.

Now, both I and my fiancee have worked our share of minimum wage jobs and we are both really absent minded. This, I feel, rules out the first conclusion regarding improved memory recall. Therefore, the latter conclusion must be true. Thus, to help the police and help save lives, if you work a minimum wage job and remember a customer the next day, chances are they've been murdered or will be murdered and you should phone the police with what you know immediately.

You have been informed.

What Goldfish Don't Remember They Know

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a common misconception that goldfish only have memory spans of ten, five, or even three seconds. In reality, goldfish, and all fish for that matter, have memories much longer than this. From an evolutionary standpoint, a species unable to remember where to obtain food would quickly die off. As such, I find myself wondering why this rumor would persist year after year. In my investigation, I was shocked to discover who perpetuates this rumor, but I could at least understand why they would spread the lie.

Approximately one out of three homes owns, or has owned, fish as pets. A large percentage of murders occur within the home. The police have discovered a way to communicate with fish to obtain leads in investigations. This interrogation technique is kept a closely guarded secret (oops... sorry for telling) because it keeps people from killing the fish and information obtained isn't legally admissible in court due to the fish being unable to request lawyers and the fact that courts currently do not issue subpoenas for sea life, and if the fish is unable to testify in court, its testimony is automatically considered unreliable. Regardless, because criminals rarely are aware that the fish can rat them out, the witness remains unmolested and is able to share information with the authorities. This is where the lie becomes important. Even if criminals do discover that cops can communicate with fish, the police-perpetuated myth that fish have no memory convinces any criminals who do know about interspecies communication that attacking the aquatic pets is pointless as the fish will forget the whole event the moment the crook steps out the door. Once more, the witness lives. 

And I know, you're all asking why I'm sharing it here if it's such a big important secret. Simple. No one goes around killing fish because Aquaman can talk to them, and he's a superhero. Crooks are lazy. They want to do things the easy way. Otherwise, they'd get real jobs and and earn their money the honest way. If they aren't concerned about protecting themselves from the Justice League, they certainly aren't worried about the cops.

You have been informed.