10 Unknown Facts About Rutger Hauer

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize once again for my absence. I would say that this is becoming a habit, but there is too much time inbetween me apologizing for my absence for it to be considered a habit. I've changed jobs (I now manage a flea market, but feel lied to as I've yet to see a single flea). I've been looking for new lodgings. I wrote two novels since last you saw me and published nothing. I started a new blog/project that has me writing and sharing twenty short stories a month. I started a twitter account for the sole reason of following @SarcasticRover, because he is unafraid to share the truth about Mars. I also discovered MineCraft, but that's a whole other time sink, and an article for another day. Still, I realized that I should share some new truths I've recently uncovered, and today being Tuesday, the timing was perfect.

Today, for your Ten Facts Tuesday, I'll share some juicy tidbits I uncovered about the famed actor Rutger Hauer. Why him? Because I watched Blade Runner the other day, and Roy Batty is awesome. That's why. Fun fact: he improvised that speech he gave in the rain at the end. Rutger Hauer, whom I first saw in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie, not the TV show), is a Dutch actor born in Breukelen, the Netherlands (and namesake for Brooklyn, New York) in 1944. He spent a year at sea swabbing decks. He got his big break in the show Floris, a medieval drama directed by Paul Verhoeven, who in turn brought us cinematic masterpieces like RoboCop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Starship Troopers, and Hollow Man. As well as appearing in such great films as Ladyhawke, Sin City, Batman Begins, and Hobo with a Shotgun, he also is a dedicated environmentalist, the narrator for an audiobook, and the author of his own biography.

But here are a few facts you won't find on his Wikipedia page.

10 Unknown Facts about Rutger Hauer:

1. He is such a method actor, he actually became a vampire for his role as Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He has since recovered.
2. He once mailed himself from China to Brazil. He said while the travel accommodations weren't terrible (letters make a decent mattress), the worst part was keeping the stamps from falling off.
3. Speaking of Brail, he has a cameo in the Terry Gilliam movie of the same name as the fly that gums up the machines at the beginning and sets the whole plot in motion.
4. He once wrestled a bear. It was a cage mage, with standard tables-ladders-chairs, and a "stolen girlfriend" storyline. He lost the girl, but won the belt and then retired to maintain his undefeated status.
5. He has a favorite color, but it is not visible to the human eye. The color is called glumph, and it is the color of swallowing something too big only to have it get caught in your throat.
6. Rutger's agents told me you lack the security clearance to know unknown fact #6, but now you know there was a fact you didn't know existed that you aren't cleared to know, so that's something.
7. Rutger Hauer can tell the time using any sort of dial. Sundial, radio dial, a bar of Dial soap. Even something that's radial, because it has "dial" at the end.
8. He does on-site tech support for the Mars Curiosity rover.
9. He owns an exotic dinosaur collection, not to be confused with a collection of local "earthy" dinosaurs.
10. He has saved the earth seven times (from aliens, asteroids, robot uprisings, etc). His environmental efforts are his long term plans to save it an even tenth (he expects at least two more crises before he finishes the environmental save).

There you have it, ladies and gentleman. A man of action. Actor. Writer. Activist. Bear wrestler. Rutger Hauer.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Ibn Battuta

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can see you scratching your heads right now wondering who in the world Ibn Battuta could possibly be. Born in 1304, Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta was an Islamic legal scholar specializing in Sunni law, but is most famous for getting around, and by that I mean travelling through Africa and parts of Asia, not making babies. He wrote tales of his travels, which were popular in his time and are considered mostly accurate historical sources on Africa prior to heavy European influence in the form of traders, slavers, and settlers. His stories were full of the fantastical, with hints of swashbuckling of sorts. After all, if you know your readers will probably never be able to travel to the great city of Timbuktu, you're free to say just about whatever you want about what you did there and who you met. Boy, did he claim to meet a lot of rulers. And white women. But that's another story.

And just for a bit of trivia before we kick this list off, in Arabic cultures as in European cultures, at least in the 1300s, it was common for a person's name to include a reference to one's direct lineage. Much the way Johnson meant "John's son," ibn meant "son of." Thus, when history refers to Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta, remember that historians are basically saying, "And then Battuta's kid when to Africa." Battuta must be so proud.

10 Unknown Facts About Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta:

1. When Ibn Battuta dropped names--and he did... a lot--he always made sure to pick them up and dust them off before using them again.
2. It is rumored that Ibn Battuta was the inspiration for Henry Winkler's character Barry Zuckerkorn on Arrested Development, which may explain why Ibn Battuta was known more for traveling than lawyering.
3. Ibn Battuta owned the first Model T Ford, almostl six hundred years before Henry Ford built his automobile factory. This Model T allowed Ibn Battuta to travel the 29 years and 75,000 miles of his journeys quickly and in style.
4. After countless ships he travelled with (but no ships that he travelled on) sank during his travels, Ibn Battuta realized that he was the most bouyant thing in the universe.
5. Ibn Battuta met so many rulers that even those he really did meet doubted his tales that they'd met.
6. Ibn Battuta lived in New York before it was just regular York, and long before that uppity (newer) New York in the Americas stole its thunder. He says the coffee shops were better then, and it was easier to find a good apartment on the East side for cheap.
   
7. Scholars say that for every three powerful families Ibn Battuta claimed to have married into, there were two more imaginary families he meant to say he'd married into but never got around to telling his stenographer.
8. When travelling across the Sahara, Ibn Battuta often grew frustrated at how tired he was of the camels having to stop for water every couple of weeks, once commenting, "Why can't they suck it up and wait for water until they arrive...like I do?"
9. Ibn Battuta fought the law, and the law lost.
10. Ibn Battuta claimed to have the memory of an elephant, which he said bored him to no end. "Really, how many memories of walking the the savannah eating grass must I have?" he once wrote. "I would rather have had a lion's memory or perhaps a monkey's."

Amazing what one person could do in a life time so long ago. I have a hard enough time getting to work, and he travelled the world. Here's to you, Battuta's kid!

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow and Kevin Bacon

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the closer we get to the Summer, the busier I'm going to be. Work picks up around that time. Meanwhile, wedding planning is in full force and I've got to pick up extra shifts to save for the honeymoon in between training sessions I'll have to do for my new teaching job, all while preparing to move at the end of July. Plus, I have to find time to spend with Miss Truth (soon to be Mrs. Truth) so that she'll still have me come the end of June. It's been hectic hectic hectic and I'm way behind once again. So here are two sets of ten facts to make up at least for missed Ten Facts Tuesdays. I'll try to do better, but I make no promises.

John Lithgow is one of those beloved Hollywood stars that everyone likes but couldn't you his name. You may remember him as the older guy on Third Rock from the Sun, the crazy bad guy on The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension, the dad from Harry and the Hendersons, or the voice of Lord Farquaad from Shrek. But there’s much more to this versatile actor that you did not know (other than his name).

10 Unknown Facts about John Lithgow:

1. John Lithgow is one of only two native North American marsupial. The other is the opossum.
   
2. John Lithgow has fifty razor-sharp teeth, the most found in any land mammal.
   
3. John Lithgow will eat almost any food he comes across including small mammals such as ground-nesting birds, hares, and even baby antelope. He will also eat roots, tubers, and even crustaceans or other marine life near the shore.
4. John Lithgow spends an estimated two-thirds of his life in the water.
   
5. John Lithgow marks his territorial boundaries by whistling.
   
6. John Lithgow closes his nostrils and absorbs oxygen through his skin while underwater.
   
7. John Lithgow can learn to imitate human vocalizations very well.
   
8. John Lithgow can hold his food in one foot and break off pieces to eat with his other foot.
   
9. Researchers learn about John Lithgow's eating habits by studying his castings, or pellets of indigestible material such as bones and fur that has been regurgitated.
   
10. John Lithgow is so powerful that a single kick at a predator, such as a lion, could be fatal.

As we all know, everyone can be connected to Kevin Bacon in six steps, but here are a few things you may not have known.

10 Unknown Facts about Kevin Bacon:

1. Kevin Bacon is one of the few members of his biological family that cannot fly.
2. Kevin Bacon travels across snow and ice by sliding on his belly.
3. Kevin Bacon can hold his breath for twenty minutes and dive up to 900 feet deep!
   
4. Kevin Bacon cannot swim in warm water.
5. Kevin Bacon has been known to be up to four feet tall!
   
6. Kevin Bacon's diet consists primarily of fish, squid, and shrimp that he catches in his mouth.
   
7. When Kevin Bacon is ready to mate, he stands with his back arched and arms stretched out, making loud calls and strutting about to attract females.
   
8. Kevin Bacon's primary predator is the leopard seal, which prefers him for dinner over any other creature.
9. Kevin Bacon has soft downy feathers when he first hatches from his egg.
10. Kevin Bacon has a specialized tongue that is rarely seen. This spiky spiny tongue prevents food from slipping out of his mouth.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum

Ladies and Gentlemen, catch-up continues. We've missed two Ten Facts Tuesdays, so here's your second Ten Facts list to make up for it.

This time, we'll focus our exploratory light on Jeff Goldblum. He acts a lot. He used to sell Macs. He is my almost sister-in-law's not so secret celebrity crush. We all know who he is. Here's a little you probably didn't know about him.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum:

1. Jeff Goldblum actually has two stomachs so that even his digestive system can keep kosher.
2. Jeff Goldblum is, according to classified government documents, America's first line of defense against extra-terrestrials.
3. Jeff Goldblum is immune to the germs that cause the gum disease Gingivitis. Hence, he does not need Listerine.
4. Jeff Goldblum has catlike balance, and as such, always lands on his feet unless you drop him many times upside down and then drop him right side up, at which point, habit and expectation will cause him to fall awkwardly just like the rest of us.
5. Jeff Goldblum can make the tastiest pork chops you've ever had in your life. He won't, because he's orthodox Jewish, but he could if he wanted to.
6. Jeff Goldblum likes Lucy a lot and respects her, and he would like it if they could still be friends, but he just doesn't love Lucy anymore.
7. Jeff Goldblum trains every day for the zombie apocalypse.
8. Jeff Goldblum is the modern day incarnation of Spring Heeled Jack.
9. Jeff Goldblum isn't allergic to dogs, but he is allergic to the word dog, often leading to confusion on the subject.
10. Jeff Goldblum has an XBox live achievement named after him called Jeff Goldblum, which so far, only he has earned. The requirements needed to earn are that the person must score 10,000 points for a single trick on Tony Hawk's Underground and be Jeff Goldblum.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson

Ladies and Gentlemen, wow what a hiatus that I didn't mean to take. The day of my last post two weeks ago, I found out Dave Arneson, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons died, and I wanted to do a tribute that wasn't just a ten unknown facts list. I couldn't think of anything, but I wanted that to be my next post. Time passed. I still couldn't think of anything. Then I got caught up in job interviews and wedding plans and work and writing (I've started a novel) and so many other things. So today, two weeks later, I say enough is enough. It's time I get this truth train back on track with something I didn't want to do but if I had, I'd have never derailed in the Andes in the first place...

So, to start my big game of catch-up...

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson:

1. Dave Arneson was once a member of Flight of the Conchords, but his fear of heights made the band's name hypothetically terrifying and he was forced to quit for anxiety reasons.
2. Dave Arneson taught John Constantine everything he knows about doing magic and making tea.
3. Dave Arneson could make eggless quiche.
4. Dave Arneson was the first Settler of Catan.
   
5. It is grammatically correct for DaVe aRNEsON to capitalize any letters in his name that he pleases.
6. Dave Arneson once genetically crossed a bee and dog so when they played fetch, if the stick accidentally landed on the roof, the dog could get it. Plus, Dog Honey is super tastey. Plus, it was just super adorable.
7. During the Cold War, Dave Arneson was on the side of Luke Warm.
8. Dave Arneson was genetically incapable of being a jerk to anyone due to a mutation in his amygdala.
   
9. Dave ARneson had an impressive chin bust collection, including busts of the chins of Jay Leno, Bruce Cambell, and Carl Sandberg--who didn't have an impressive chin himself but did write a poem about people with proud chins.
10. Dave Arneson knew the secret ending to Lost, but took the secret to his grave (believe me, I tried to get it out of him).

It's not much. I wanted to do something more, but I couldn't think of anything, so here's a list for you, Dave. Thanks for helping to provide me with some of my favorite times growing up.

You have been informed.

Tiny Brains, My Foot!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

Preparing for the End and Jealous Birds

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I had to work, and following the news of the Nazi zombie attack on Austin, I felt the need to prepare. Yesterday, I gathered several of my closest friends and ran tactical simulations for defense against zombies, particularly building and holding a tactical perimeter. What I've learned is that cars make pretty good makeshift barricades against zombies. They aren't so good at climbing over things and they can't open the doors to crawl through. I also learned that it doesn't matter how cool you are or how useful you may be as a defensive sniper, jumping from rooftop to rooftop is very bad idea. In other words, if you must snipe from the rooftops, find a good roof and stay on it. You are not an action hero. You will fall and knock yourself unconscious and be eaten by zombies. You're going to want to stage your cars early, for quick and easy access. Bring a couple extras just in case. It's no good making a barricade of cars of you have a two foot gap. Yes, it will bottleneck them, but still, it's only a matter of time before your gun jams, and then the zombies will start pouring through. If it's a big area, you're going to want at least 15 people, ten to move cars and other barricade materials, and at least five people to defend them.

I also helped bake a tasty cake yesterday.

I would also like to share with you an important fact. Birds hate airplanes. How often in the news lately have we seen planes crash or planes grounded because of birds? (aside from the Hudson River landing, because we know what that was really about.) The fact of the matter is that birds are jealous. They don't have a monopoly on air travel anymore and it's driving them nuts. So crazy, in fact, that many are committing suicide by flying into airplane windows and jet intakes just to take man out of the sky. Driven by the kamikaze spirit, these birds will do anything to keep their sky kingdom free of human invaders. I must assume that this recent rash of anti-human activity stems from some regime change. The previous, more peaceful ruler of the birds must have died and was replaced by a more radical and militant monarch. I say, those of you who have birds as pets, find out what they know. Get them talking. I hear it's easiest with parrots.

You have been informed.

Buffalo Wings Flying Away?

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a shortage of buffalo wings in this nation, leading to prices comparatively skyrocketing. Many blame poultry farms going bankrupt, thus lowering supply as the national demand for the food rises ever higher. We at The Truth of the World know different. No, I'm not going to say it's because we're over hunting buffalo. That's stupid. Buffalo don't have wings. No, the real reason we're running out of wings is simple. Hamas has been reworking tunnels in which they once stockpiled weapons. I understand you're wondering how the two can possibly be related. Let's break this down, shall we?

Hamas and Isreal, at least for the time being, have declared a cease-fire. That's right. Isreal agreed to pull all of their troops out of Gaza and Hamas will stop firing rockets into Isreal. Let me say that again with some emphasis added. Hamas will stop firing rockets into Isreal. Hamas has this thing about bombing Isreal. It really likes to. It's one of its only hobbies. That and not providing for its people. But mostly bombing Isreal. However, with this cease-fire, Hamas has run out of things to do. It is bored. And so it's been redigging these old tunnels that were once used to smuggle and stock weapons. What, Isreal has been asking, does Hamas need with these tunnels if they have sworn not to attack?

Chicken racing. Hamas has been buying up chickens left and right to race through these tunnels. Hamas figures that gambling on subterranean chicken races will help its constiuency forget about how miserable things are, espeically when they aren't bombing their neighbors. Further, these chickens will be periodically set loose in the rocket launching faciliities. If a chicken happens to accidentally fire one off, so be it. Hamas didn't launch the explosive ordinance. The chicken did. The cease-fire is still in effect. Further, once the cease-fire does fall apart, they'll be stockpiled with chickens. Hamas said they would no longer fire rockets into Isreal. Thus, to stockpile rockets in preparation for the day the cease-fire ends would be considered an act of hostility and disregard for the armastice. If, however, they stockpile seemingly harmless chickens, no harm no foul, right? No one need ever know that these chickens are being trained to wear explosives and then fly through Gaza to Isreal. People expects rockets to come flying out of the sky, blowing up buildings left and right. No one expects chickens to do that. It's the ultimate stealth weapon that provides your troops with eggs and entertainment while you wait to use it. It's unethical, but it sure is versatile, and every army loves a multi-tasking weapon.

Be on the look out for eggs showing up in unexpected places, Isreal. Poultry suicide bombers are probably close behind.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey

Ladies and Gentlemen, for a year or so, my fiancee lived in Chicago and I would visit her regularly. While there, I observed Oprah in her natural habitat to learn more information about my secret arch-nemesis (next to Oliver Cromwell, but he's only a recent edition to the nemesis list, and Oprah is first on the list anyway. But I digress.) In the past, I posted about Oprah's motives, her plans, her plots, her schemes. Today, I'll be sharing ten unknown facts about her morphology and physiology, so that should you ever find yourself in one-on-one combat or held captive by the Queen of Talk, you'll better know what you can and cannot do to escape.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey:

1. Oprah Winfrey is a grazer, or cud chewer. Like the cow, she has four stomachs that allow her cud to ruminate.
2. Oprah Winfrey is a highly vocal creature. Long ago (yes, she is centuries old), scientists and sailors nicknamed her the "Sea Canary" due to the birdlike sounds they observed her making far out at sea.
3. Oprah Winfrey usually travels alone, marking her territory with urine, droppings, and scratch marks to warn off trespassers and other predators.
4. Oprah Winfrey has a large muscle running along her stomach which pulls her body into a tight, spikey ball for defense.
5. Oprah Winfrey is known to roost in bare trees, lofts, and caves.
6. Oprah Winfrey has a very unusual symbiotic relationship with algae. She has specialized hair that encourages algae growth, which aids in camouflaging the celebrity. It is also believed that Oprah will eat some of the algae and, interestingly, will absorb some of the nutrients from the algae through her skin.
7. Oprah Winfrey is perfectly designed for tree-dwelling life. Her hands have a large gap between the first and second finger and her big toe is set at a wide angle to the foot. This gives Oprah a vicelike grip on branches.
8. When chased, Oprah Winfrey can run up to 48 kmph (29 mph)! I learned this fact the hard way.
9. Oprah Winfrey has poor vision, but excellent senses of smell and hearing.
10. Oprah Winfrey is able to climb on steep rock surfaces because of physical adaptations on her feet. She is capable of retracting up the center portion of her feet into a concave dome, which creates a vacuum-like suction to solid surfaces and aides in her climbing ability.

What all of this tells us is that Oprah is highly mobile, being able to run quickly, swim long distances, and climb almost anything. The climbing, I suspect, is used to literally get the drop on her opponents. Coupled with her spikey ball ability, I suspect she likes to climb up trees and then drop down in ball form and stab her pray. Her four stomachs mean that when she's full she can go for extended periods of time without eating, so laying siege to her lair may not be an effective offense, and waiting for her to eat to escape from her clutches may not be a solid plan either. She eats primarily plants, which means her predatory acts, such as the ball drop, simply feed her need to hunt, and not her belly. This means if you do find yourself as her prey, your best bet is to distract her so that she'll lose interest. Also, if you must take her on, do so during the day. She isn't any weaker during the day, but you are at a disadvantage at night.

You have been informed.

Let's Stop the Round Worm Army!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems someone out their either reading my blog or watching the news and taking their own initiative has taken steps to protect us against the army of super worms I mentioned the other day. A farmer in Lebanon has grown a 22 pound potato. He may pass it off as a fluke of nature, but we know the truth. He knew that if he could only draw the worms away from fault lines and other areas of importance, we could distract them long enough to find a way to fight them. Solution? Giant potatoes. They grow underground. They're already wormbait, right? Yes, he may be in Lebanon, but he knows this army affects everyone. Further, by making it seem like a random thing and not the result of deliberate genetic experimentation, he threw our evil worm doctor off the scent. Thank you, farmer. You may have saved us all. If I don't see any headlines about killer worms rampaging across the breadbasket, I'll know I have you to thank.

You have been informed

An Army of Immortal Worms

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention that a scientist in San Francisco has created super worms. Using genetic manipulation, she was able to increase the lifespan of roundworms from roughly 20 days to over 140 days. That's a 600% increase in longevity. Such a change in humans would bring the average lifespan to approximately 525 years! What's more, says mad scientist of the worm world, "you can beat them up in ways that would kill a normal worm—exposing them to high heat, radiation and infectious microbes—and still they don't die"

Allegedly, this is all being done to help understand how to extend youth in humans to keep us productive longer. I think there's more to it than that, but what depends on whether or not this Doctor Cynthia Kenyon is using her science for good... or evil.

If the good doctor is using her super worms for good, then kudos to her. Perhaps she is trying to use these worms to help improve soil quality in less arable parts of the world. Worm waste, after all, makes pretty good fertilizer. Further, these super worms would be able to be used as bait for fishing with multiple fish, since being hooked by fishers and eaten by fish clearly won't kill these immortal invertebrates. There would be an increase in crop production and the homeless population could obtain food for cheap with only one worm and a fishing pole. As they say, give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime. These worms could be an effort to solve world hunger.

Or they could be up to something... sinister.

If Doctor Kenyon (if that's her real name) can develop super worms like these, she can surely develop a means to control them. An ultrasonic device that tells worms things like "attack," "kill," and "Get me the jewels out of the vault!" This wouldn't be the first time a horde of worms has taken over a town. Couple that with the fact that these are immortal worms and the terror could be endless! Or if not directly attacking the population, perhaps an underground assault is this evil genius's plan. She lives in San Francisco, correct? What if she orders her army of super powered worms to dig down to the bedrock and aggravate the San Andreas Fault, causing an earthquake on par the the deadly 1906 San Francisco quake that nearly wiped the city to the ground?

Time will tell what her true intentions are, but I say, unless you hear about deserts becoming good farmland soon, or that the homeless are getting plenty of omega-3 fatty acids, beware. Especially you, San Francisco.

You have been informed.

What Goldfish Don't Remember They Know

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a common misconception that goldfish only have memory spans of ten, five, or even three seconds. In reality, goldfish, and all fish for that matter, have memories much longer than this. From an evolutionary standpoint, a species unable to remember where to obtain food would quickly die off. As such, I find myself wondering why this rumor would persist year after year. In my investigation, I was shocked to discover who perpetuates this rumor, but I could at least understand why they would spread the lie.

Approximately one out of three homes owns, or has owned, fish as pets. A large percentage of murders occur within the home. The police have discovered a way to communicate with fish to obtain leads in investigations. This interrogation technique is kept a closely guarded secret (oops... sorry for telling) because it keeps people from killing the fish and information obtained isn't legally admissible in court due to the fish being unable to request lawyers and the fact that courts currently do not issue subpoenas for sea life, and if the fish is unable to testify in court, its testimony is automatically considered unreliable. Regardless, because criminals rarely are aware that the fish can rat them out, the witness remains unmolested and is able to share information with the authorities. This is where the lie becomes important. Even if criminals do discover that cops can communicate with fish, the police-perpetuated myth that fish have no memory convinces any criminals who do know about interspecies communication that attacking the aquatic pets is pointless as the fish will forget the whole event the moment the crook steps out the door. Once more, the witness lives. 

And I know, you're all asking why I'm sharing it here if it's such a big important secret. Simple. No one goes around killing fish because Aquaman can talk to them, and he's a superhero. Crooks are lazy. They want to do things the easy way. Otherwise, they'd get real jobs and and earn their money the honest way. If they aren't concerned about protecting themselves from the Justice League, they certainly aren't worried about the cops.

You have been informed.

Answers to Questions that Plague Me

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have nothing fancy for you today. What I do have are answers to three to questions that have always bothered me. Today, with the help of CNN, I've discovered the truth, and I'm here to share.

1) What did the turkeys with the presidential pardon do to warrant execution?

It's no secret that every year since Truman has pardoned the presidential thanksgiving turkey, thus sparing them from execution and becoming dinner. But what did the turkey do to be given the death penalty in the first place? We know that it must have been bad. The death penalty is pretty much only given for murder and treason. Even so, most states have a moratorium on capital punishment. Therefore, it must be a federal offense, and not state, meaning the bird committed treason. Perhaps there was talk of him defecting from the U.S. and being the dinner of the president of Iran instead. Further, I think it's obvious he showed no remorse. The farmers saw him "strutting, fanning, and preening." So what's to become of him now? I suspect he'll be forced to spend the rest of his days at the butcher's shop, watching what becomes of traitors like him.

2) I wouldn't date Barbara Streisand if we were the last two people on Earth. What could I do to avoid it?

This is one that kept me up at night. The fear of a weird plague that killed everyone but me and someone else, and that someone else being Barbara Streisand terrifies me to no end. What could I possibly do in that scenario to save myself from her? As it turns out, the polar bears at a Japanese zoo have the answer. I could simply will myself to become female. Come on, the Japanese are really intelligent people. They make all of the cool robots and video games. And if ever there was a culture with no problems researching sex, it is the Japanese. Surely their zoo keepers would have noticed some time in those three years that both polar bears were female. They must have checked when they bought the new bear, and they wouldn't mistake girl parts for man bits. The only logical explanation is that their male bear wanted nothing to do with the Streisand of the Ursa persuasion, and spontaneously changed gender like the dinosaurs in Jurasic Park. It's a comfort to know that if I'm ever in that situation, I can just become a woman and tell her that we'd never be able to repopulate the world so there's no use trying.

3) Why do these aliens keep coming to Earth and abducting people?

There are so many theories about alien abductions. Scientific experimentation, sexual experimentation, enlightenment, and even the unlikely "it's all bunk" theory. But today, after watching an interview with an abductee, I believe I've found the answer. Abductions aren't about science or cosmic truth. The aliens are drumming up tourism for their medical themed amusement park called "Wackyville." Except I hear the rides are lame. "What? Lie down on this table and don't move while you implant tracking beacons in me? Sweet! How tall do I have to be to ride?" Personally, I recommend EuroDisney instead. Why stay in a real castle when you can visit one made of plastic instead?

If you have any questions that need answering, feel free to let me know and I'll see what I can uncover for you.

You have been informed.