Kenny Chesney is a Tool

Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been rumors flying around about Kenny Chesney since Renee Zellweger annulled him, citing fraud. Kenny Chesney, however, cleared up rumors in a recent interview in which he revealed he isn't gay, he's just a tool. You know the guy who shows up at your party and drinks all of your beer before regaling everyone present about the many women he slept with, thus scaring away every woman at the party including your girlfriend (who, incidentally, now thinks you're friends with a date rapist)> Kenny Chesney is, evidently, That Guy. He spoke at some length about how many women he slept with ("Man, I was over 100 several years ago," a milestone he claims happened "probably back in 2001"). The "long line" of women the singer allegedly had relations with could testify to the fact that he's not gay, or at least they would if any of them came forward to testify. 

Still, Chesney swears that "from 1993 to 1998" there were years when he had a better summer than A-Rod, that he was constantly "on the boards." From all of this bragging and boasting, it's clear to tell that he is, in fact, That Guy. Even so, how does the "fraud" claim fit in> Let's examine this a bit more carefully.

He claims, quite vocally, that he's been with over 100 girls. The only people I know who go on and on and on about how many women they've been with are those who have been with numbers much closer to zero. Chesney a virgin> It appears to be true. After all, he admitted himself that he was "on the boards quite often." He wanted us to think he meant the bed, but clearly he was referring to internet forums and BBS networks, posting and chatting and probably asking about which episode of Star Trek Evil Wesley Crusher was in. Chesney isn't in the closet, at least not about being gay. He's a closet nerd. It all makes perfect sense. The "fraud" charge doesn't relate to his sexual preference. Renee Zellweger, after hearing his stories about what a dynamo he was in bed, was expecting Don Juan. Instead, she got Data from Star Trek. The fraud in question is clearly his failure to live up to his grand stories about his prowess. 

You have been informed.

Slacker Brain Disorder

Ladies and Gentlemen, a CEO recently wrote a book about being fired from the company he founded and being "saved" by Starbucks. Some might argue that "saved" is a strong word. Sure he was unemployed and life didn't look so great, but was his life really in danger> The answer is a surprising yes. According to his book, after he was fired, he also was divorced and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Life turned around, it seems, when he was hired on to make coffee and "make a toilet shine like a Ferrari." 

I don't know how to add a graph to this blog, but if I did, I would make a bar graph for you. On this chart, I would show numbers on the Y axis and then a timeline on the X axis with major points on prior to being laid off and post being laid off. Prior to, the graph would show one wife and zero brain tumors. Post, the graph would show zero wives and one brain tumor. We can clearly draw two correlations. First, as occupation decreases, the number of wives decreases (a negative correlation with both decreasing 100%). Second, as the number of wives decreases, the number of brain tumors increases (an inverse correlation, I think, and an infinite percentage growth on the brain tumors front). 

Pictorial representations complete and conclusions drawn, we now move on to a syllogism. Unemployment results in a decrease in wives. All decreases in wives result in increases in brain tumors. Therefore, unemployment causes brain tumors (as is evidenced by the poor mental capacity of slackers). Therefore, it stands to reason that if a polygamist lost two jobs, he would also lose two wives and gain an infinite number of brain tumors. Fortunately for our CEO, he was no polygamist. I would also like to point out that the article makes no mention of brain tumors or divorce after he became employed with Starbucks. Therefore, we must conclude that the inverse of each of these graphs (and syllogisms) is also true. Employment leads to wives and brain health. I can attest to this fact personally by saying that I've been consistently employed for the last many years and have had zero brain tumors. Furthermore, I am engaged. Therefore, employment leads to brain health and wives.

Ladies, I have no evidence for or against the notion that employment leads to husbands. However, I also have no proof that unemployment for women leads to brain tumors, since in most states, women cannot marry other women, and thus cannot lose wives, which causes brain tumors. Historically, this may explain why women were traditionally the homemakers and men were the breadwinners. When the woman stayed at home, her homemaking resulted in no wife loss or brain tumor gain. When then man stayed at home and the woman went to work, the man risked losing his wife and having his brain grow tumors. If this is the case, this living arrangement wasn't a matter of oppression. It was a matter of health.

You have been informed. 

Board Games Attract Women

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to make this quick. I had a rollickin' party that ran until five a.m., woke up at ten to clean, and now I have more Christmas shindigs to go to very shortly. Clearly I'm a very busy man so I don't have time to read whole articles, but if the headlines are any indication (and they should be, headlines are meant to be interpreted literally), but men seeking mates should carry around board games. The headline was "Guys may flirt with risk more to score a mate." Some of you may think that the word "risk" is not applying to the board game, because it isn't capitalized or it doesn't make sense. Let me tell you something, every word except articles and prepositions, except when at the beginning of a title, are supposed to be capitalized. Therefore, failure to capitalize Risk is a mark of laziness, not a sign that it's not referring to the board game. Secondly, it uses the word "score" in regards to mate. Not secure. Not attract. Score. As in games. The technique then, as I am forced to assume due to time constraints, is to carry around a copy of risk. When an attractive female comes by, flirt with Risk. Give it all of your attention. The woman will then become jealous of the board game and fight for your affections. It makes sense to me. Everyone knows jealousy and denying attention is the best way to attract a mate. Make them prove they're worth the effort, that the domination they're proposing is more fun than the game of global domination.


You have been informed.

Angels Don't Date

Ladies and Gentlemen, I read a blurb of an article today about two of the Navy's Blue Angel pilots being grounded for having an "inappropriate" relationship. Evidently, the act of dating or being in a romantic relationship with another person makes someone unfit to fly. I recommend when you go to the airport, make sure the pilot doesn't have a wedding ring, or your plane will surely crash. We've all seen Top Gun. We know that when pilots, especially Navy pilots fall in love, they get distracted, they get reckless. As Val "Iceman" Kilmer would say, they're "everyone's problem" because they're "unsafe" and "dangerous."

When a pilot with romantic entanglements goes up in the air, he's not thinking, "Ok, I have 100 tons of metal defying gravity and a hundred people in the back counting on me to keep us from plummeting to a fiery death. So let's double check those ailerons and make sure we have enough fuel."

No, he's thinking, "I hope I didn't leave the toilet seat up. She hates that. And then she'll nag. I miss the early days of the relationship when it was all picnics and dinner out and mo- HOLY CRAP! WE'RE CRASHING!"

Besides, the military, even the decorative aspects like the Blue Angels, are all about war, not love and babies and kisses. So good riddance to those mamby pamby dangerous pilots and their "feelings" and their "healthy human relationships."

In other news, it's Halloween. My costume recommendations: Don't go as a vampire. They may think you're one of them and then make you drink blood while you listen to their lame emo poetry. Be a zombie instead. They may think you're one of them and eat someone else.

You have been informed.