Kenny Chesney is a Tool

Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been rumors flying around about Kenny Chesney since Renee Zellweger annulled him, citing fraud. Kenny Chesney, however, cleared up rumors in a recent interview in which he revealed he isn't gay, he's just a tool. You know the guy who shows up at your party and drinks all of your beer before regaling everyone present about the many women he slept with, thus scaring away every woman at the party including your girlfriend (who, incidentally, now thinks you're friends with a date rapist)> Kenny Chesney is, evidently, That Guy. He spoke at some length about how many women he slept with ("Man, I was over 100 several years ago," a milestone he claims happened "probably back in 2001"). The "long line" of women the singer allegedly had relations with could testify to the fact that he's not gay, or at least they would if any of them came forward to testify. 

Still, Chesney swears that "from 1993 to 1998" there were years when he had a better summer than A-Rod, that he was constantly "on the boards." From all of this bragging and boasting, it's clear to tell that he is, in fact, That Guy. Even so, how does the "fraud" claim fit in> Let's examine this a bit more carefully.

He claims, quite vocally, that he's been with over 100 girls. The only people I know who go on and on and on about how many women they've been with are those who have been with numbers much closer to zero. Chesney a virgin> It appears to be true. After all, he admitted himself that he was "on the boards quite often." He wanted us to think he meant the bed, but clearly he was referring to internet forums and BBS networks, posting and chatting and probably asking about which episode of Star Trek Evil Wesley Crusher was in. Chesney isn't in the closet, at least not about being gay. He's a closet nerd. It all makes perfect sense. The "fraud" charge doesn't relate to his sexual preference. Renee Zellweger, after hearing his stories about what a dynamo he was in bed, was expecting Don Juan. Instead, she got Data from Star Trek. The fraud in question is clearly his failure to live up to his grand stories about his prowess. 

You have been informed.

Ten Unknown Facts about Mr. Truth

Mr. Truth has tasked me with revealing to you ten unknown facts about him.  

And without further ado, here they are...

1.  Mr. Truth once gave a makeover to Stacey and Clinton from "What Not To Wear"

2.  One of Mr. Truth's favorite boardgames is RoboRally

3.  Mr. Truth had approximately the same idea for the show "Psyche" several years ago

4.  He once spent three weeks playing "Sister Christian" on the mandolin in the Australian wilderness so that this bird could learn to sing it for him.

6.  Every time Mr. Truth re-watches old seasons of "The Office", he remembers just how uncomfortable it can make him feel.

7.  Mr.  Truth can do magic tricks.

8.  When Alton Brown needs scientific culinary advice, he calls Mr. Truth

9.  Once a month, Mr. Truth attends a live action role playing game

10.  When Mr. Truth needs his cable hooked up - the cable guy asks what time he wants him to be there.  And then he's actually on time.

 

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert

Ladies and Gentlemen, Stephen Colbert is not only the voice of our nation, or at least, the much more witty voice of our angry upper middle class republicans, he's also an avid supporter of Dungeons and Dragons and other awesome hobbies. Here's a few things you may not know about him. 

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert:

1. Stephen Colbert's distrust of bears comes from a childhood slight by Yogi Bear, who gave young Stephen abandonment issues after his cartoon was cancelled. Stephen has never forgiven the ursine species.
2. Stephen Colbert is the only American to have fought in every war the U.S. has been involved in. He admits, reluctantly, that for most of these wars, his role was one of "historic reenactor."
3. Stephen Colbert invented Truth, thus allowing improv pioneer Del Close to write his book Truth in Comedy.
4. Stephen Colbert's Colbert Nation is a real nation landlocked in South Carolina. He was elected president for life with an astounding 97% landslide.
5. Stephen Colbert actually has amazing super telescopic vision. He wears glasses to counteract this so he doesn't constantly get an eyeful of everyone's pores. 
6. Stephen Colbert is America. Literally. Like many myths of old, the nation is made from the remains of his body. What we see on television is simply an avatar of his awesomeness. And despite what his book says, so can you not be. Not everyone's body can be a continent.
7. Stephen Colbert taught Optimus Prime how to transform into an eighteen wheeler. Yes, that means Stephen Colbert can transform into an eighteen wheeler.
8. Stephen Colbert defeated the Tomb of Horrors single-handedly. He told his story to a publisher he met in the bar, asking that it be published as a memoir. Gary Gygax instead published it as an adventure module for 4-6 9th level adventurers.
9. Stephen Colbert makes his hamburgers entirely from scratch, including raising the cow (for both cheese and beef) and growing the wheat. 
10. Stephen Colbert actually lives on Cloud Nine. The hardest part was developing perpetual anti-gravity boosters for the house. That and figuring out exactly which cloud was #9. 

You know what> This is my least favorite part of Ten Facts Tuesday. The post-fact glow, where you and your reader experienced something wonderful together, but now that it's over you feel obligated to say something to acknowledge the special moment you just shared, and so you end up talking, saying something stupid, trying sum up what just happened, trying to make conversation in the increasingly awkward situation because you can't just shut up and let you both bask in the afterglow of the experience.

So I'm not going to do it today. Nope, no awkward post-facts talking this week.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Joe Biden

Ladies and Gentlemen, on this inauguration day for President-Elect-Soon-to-be-President Barack Obama, let us not forget that today another is being sworn in. The world has been a flurry of press coverage surrounding the first African American president of the United States. But what of his ignored running mate Joe Biden> He is, after all, the man who added the experience to the Obama ticket needed to quiet some of the doubts about whether Barack was "ready to lead." Born in Pennsylvania, Biden had the fourth longest senate record at the time of his becoming VP (elect). He's chaired several committees dealing with important civil issues and has a pretty high approval rating from civil liberties and education organizations. Here, however, are some things you may not have known about our oft-overlooked vice president.

10 Unknown Facts about Joe Biden:

1. One of Joe Biden's first jobs was as salesman for the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. They say his sales record rivaled that of Michael Scott.
2. Joe Biden's space ork army can trounce any tyranid army ever fielded.
3. Joe Biden can read a ten point font from 100 yards away.
4. Joe Biden can tap dance "Flight of the Bumblebee," both rhythmically and melodically.
5. Joe Biden personally counted every single person present at the inauguration.
6. Even though he has complete confidence in the secret service, Joe Biden surrounds himself with an invisible psychic forcefield at all times. 
7. Joe Biden knows the question whose answer, 42, the mice paid so much to learn. 
8. Joe Biden was tempted to sleep in today since probably no one would notice his absence and he stayed up late last night to rewatch the fourth season of Lost before the season premier tomorrow.
9. Joe Biden plans to use all of his new found free-time as vice president over the next four years to learn to perform all of those neat magic tricks he used to watch as a kid so that he, as second poorest senator, can have a supplemental second income as a magician so lobbyists don't try to target him with bribes all of the time.
10. Joe Biden takes his oath that he will protect America from any and all enemies foreign and domestic very seriously to the point where he is spending what spare income he has to develop super powers. He's hoping for a selection like Superman's or Spiderman's but will take what he can get.

Though you may forget about Mr. Biden today, just remember, he has not forgotten about you. Yes you. Personally. He's got crazy powerful mental abilities.

You have been informed.

GenCon

Ladies and Gentlemen, fun fact for you. The Geneva Conventions are actually not one, but four treatises on how most things war should be conducted including "what is and is not cool" to do to prisoners. The Conventions take their guidelines from four separate meetings of various humanitarian groups from the years 1864 to 1949. (Check this article for more detailed info on the chronology of the four). In 1977 (and 2005), the conventions were revised with ammendments added to them. You may already know all of this. What you may not know is that in 1977, science fiction was in vogue. The original Star Trek series had a strong cult following, Star Wars (A New Hope) opened in theaters. Battlestar Galactica was popular on TV. It was a good time to think the future would be full of lasers and space ships. The Geneva Conventions thought it would be a good time to update their name for these fast-paced future times. They tried to rename themselves GenCon 1977, but unfortunately, an upstart gaming convention in the United States was using the name GenCon 1977. The Geneva Conventioneers complained at their inability to acquire the cool name as the gamers had no intention of sharing the name.

The Geneva people tried everything. They said their rules for war were more important, but GenCon gamers were honestly more concerned with reenacting battles from prior to the Geneva Conventions' adoption (primarily those of Alexander and Napoleon), and thus had no concern for their moral guidelines as they had little bearing on their game rules. They tried saying that because GenCon was no longer held in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, they should relinquish the title, but the geeks said no. They'd already printed up the fliers and the last thing they wanted was the DM running their D&D tournament ending up in Switzerland instead of Convention Hall B. The members of the Geneva Convention tried saying it was unfair that the gamers were monopolizing all GenCons for all years 1968 indefinitely into the future. The gamers threatened them with photon torpedos and thermal detonators. Unfortunately for the members of the Geneva Convention, the Cold War was on and they didn't know the gamers were referring to fictional arms and not some top secret U.S. military weapon. The members of the Geneva Convention backed down, but not before deciding that "it sucks being neutral all the time. You never get your way."

You have been informed.

Angsty Teenage Rebellion

Ladies and Gentlemen, when I first heard about Dungeons and Dragons 4th Ed. (let's call him FouRth EDition, or Fred for short), I thought, "Oh man. I hate that guy. I hate everything about him. He's so lame." All I heard, essentially was that he lost so many things that I loved about his older brother Third EDition (or Ted). Fred wanted nothing to do with rock bands or Bruce Lee. Fred was, well, a little simple minded. Fred, from what I heard, was a less intelligent or sophisitcated kid pretending to be his older brother, hoping all of his older brother's friends would like him, but really, we knew he wasn't the Ted we knew and loved. He was some obnoxious new kid.

It almost seemed that Fred wanted to be thought of that way. He wanted us to hate him. He wouldn't let us listen to music that inspires us to great feats of daring. He wanted to make sure no one he hung out with ever used the line "I know kung fu" by almost denying its existence. He seemed to limit our ability to change our minds about career goals later in life. Oh sure, he says he has no problem with us pursuing other interests as we get older, but we know that deep down, he'd be disappointed if we really tried to change our role in life. He said we'd need to buy random things to hang out with him. Ted never made us buy random things. We thought Fred was just trying to get our money for mommy and daddy.

But today, I got to know Fred. I sat down with him. Some of my friends kept telling me that I'd really like him once I got to know him. I figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but only because a couple of my buddies vouched for him. As it turns out, he's a really approachable guy. He's very friendly. He's efficient, and I'm a sucker for efficiency. He's not an elitist. You don't have to know a million little things to hang out with him without being called an idiot. He'll kindly help you keep track of anything important you may need to remember. As for good music and good shaolin butt kickers, he says he likes them. He just hasn't had time to really dedicate himself to those lately, but is making time in the near future to reacquaint himself with them. He gives his more intelligent and bookish buddies more opportunity to shine, instead of making the jocks the big important guys while the nerds were only useful a couple times a day, who needed to rest before they coud do anything worth while. And as for the buying stuff, I realized that most of the stuff he wishes I had, oh wait, I already own, and most people who hang out with Ted already have that stuff. They just don't have the new shiney models. Fred doesn't care. The bit about changing careers though, it's still kinda true. You can look into other career options, but Fred wants you to know that deep down, you'll always be your first job.

So why would Fred go out of his way for you to not like him when you first hear about him? My guess is because he's the baby from a family of overly permissive parents. His mommy and daddy are such touchy feely suburban yuppies. Everything all of their kids do is great, and they stand behind them 100%. Spellfire? I still don't think they've allowed themselves to call that a bad egg. So what's the baby to do? Even if the youngest kid in the family is a good kid, he's going to do all kinds of ridiculous things to get in trouble, to get called out by everyone on the playground just to get attention. "Look at me, everyone! I'm Fred, and mommy and daddy are giving me all the love and support they used to give Ted. Go ahead and hate me. Or love me. The important thing is I have all of the attention." He's just acting out because he's living in his brother's rather large shadow and so he'll do anything, even take unfair heat for being stupid or greedy or willing to hang out with anybody if it means people will pay attention to him and maybe give him a shot. Like the baby in any family, he just doesn't want to be ignored.

You have been informed.

War in the Eighth Dimension?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the U.S. military is stalking Wil Wheaton. If a stealth bomber flew over his house eight times, clearly they're looking for something. The dogs went crazy every time they passed over head, which makes sense. Dogs can sense stealthy things like burglars and ghosts. My question is, what do they need him for? They could probably just ask him for assistance, you know. He's an approachable guy. Their purposes must lean toward something Mr. Wheaton would not approve of. My guess is that they intend to start a war with the eight dimension and cannot simply ask Wil to lend them his oscilation overthruster (see #8) to get there because they know he's not one to condone unnecessary violence, or at least not since the AADA incident (see #5) when he became Three Laws Safe (see #10). They must be flying over trying to get a glimpse of how he built the overthruster, or at least some peek at where he keeps it.

It's a good thing you have those dogs, Mr. Wheaton, to let you know they're watching you. Now hide that oscilation overthruster quickly!

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About: Vin Diesel.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can't believe I missed Ten Facts Tuesday yesterday! Man, missing a day has really thrown my internal calendar off. I think I reverted to Julian instead of the proper Gregorian Calendar. Craziness. Regardless, let's get on with it, shall we?

Vin Diesel is a star of countless action movies (it's nine. I counted.) and is a self-professed geek. That's right. The man with that bald, jocular physique got that way by putting his bonus ability point every fourth level into Strength (and probably Constitution). He'll kick your butt in real life and then critical slay you in D&D when you're laid up in the hospital. But here are a few things you may not have known about this nerd-turned-knight.

10 Unknown Facts about Vin Diesel:

1. Vin Diesel can karate chop lunch meats into deli-thin slices.
2. Vin Diesel requires 15% fewer experience points to level up.
3. Vin Diesel's real home is actually a secret underground lair hidden beneath his real him by a camouflaged elevator with biometric locks.
4. Vin Diesel can train a dog to sit, stay, fetch, roll over, and do his taxes.
5. Vin Diesel really does have polarized eyes. The producers on Pitch Black thought it was cool, so they worked it into the script.
6. Vin Diesel has read the phone book. He says last years was better, but won't divulge any spoilers.
7. Speaking of, Vin Diesel killed a man for telling him how The Sixth Sense ended, even after he'd already seen it. He's that serious about spoilers.
8. Vin Diesel can knit a cardigan in 23 minutes. For those of you who have never knitted a cardigan, that's really fast.
9. Vin Diesel is unstuck in time, though he can control it much more than Billy Pilgrim. Some suspect he's part Trafalmadorian.
10. Vin Diesel's favorite day is Saturday. On Saturday, he can eat all the ice cream he wants.

I hope this information enlightens you and makes you realize that He isn't just a big guy in big movies or a geek made good. He's a human being. (probably.)

You have been informed.

Misnomers

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's truth comes from approximately thirteen years of research. I have a confession to make, and chances are, it will shock none of you, but...

I'm a nerd.

I spent my youth playing Magic: the Gathering, Vampire: the Masquerade, and other fancy games with colons in the title. Over time and lots of research down in a dark room with pasty friends and lots of dice, I've learned a few things about these games: the names are all deceptive, and as such are false advertising. So today, I'll list my favorite games, describe why they're misnamed, and propose new names more befitting their nature. And along the way, I'll use lots of fancy colons.

Dungeons and Dragons: The quintessential geek game. Players take on the role of fantasy adventurers killing monsters and taking treasure.

• FACT: Most games don't involve dragons. In fact, the bulk of the creatures you fight, that party can kill in one hit.
  
• FACT: Many games don't involve dungeons, but rather tombs, keeps, castles, lairs, labyrinths, and fortresses. Almost all games, however, involve a tavern of some kind.
• FACT: Every game involves getting treasure by taking it from cursed tombs and looting the bodies of dead monsters.
• SOLUTION: Since most games don't involve dungeons or dragons, the name ought to be changed to something more appropriate.
  
• New name? Taverns and Grave-robbers.

Vampire: The Masquerade: Characters are vampires living in our world pretending to be human. They walk among us just below the surface. It's the game that made being goth cool, or if not cool, at least, not as whiney. Plus, we've avoided the D&D trap, in that all games of Vampire involve vampires, and there is a major premise called the Masquerade. How could this possibly be a misnomer?

• FACT: Vampires have nifty powers that let them shapeshift or pick up cars. And they have pointy teeth. All of these things kinda break the Masquerade, which states that vampires should act like normal people.
• FACT: Most vampires in these games blatantly use these powers in ridiculous combat sequences and then slaughter wholesale all mortals unfortunate enough to have seen the events, which in turn, prompts huge police investigations into the activities of the undead. It's not a smart way to hide.
• SOLUTION: The vampire part can stay. It's accurate. However, the Masquerade is often a laughing afterthought in the games I've played. In fact, quite the opposite happens. Too much attention is drawn to the characters.
  
• New name? Vampire: The Big Neon Sign.

Cyberpunk 2020: Corporate greed, data espionage, street gangs. The gritty urban computer driven future. What's not to love?

• FACT: The game does involve punks who are both online and often cybernetic.
  
• FACT: The game is allegedly set in the year 2020, and while I can easily see corporations all but ruling the world by then and an increase in gang activity, I think it's safe to say that I won't be able to buy cybernetic adamantite retractable claws from a street doctor any time soon. Or have infrared sensors augmented to my eyes. Or use a neural relay to log onto a super-sweet virtual reality internet.
• SOLUTION: There are two ways we could go. Set in what 2020 will probably really be like. Today with smaller cellphones and better gas milage. But then the game loses a lot of its flavor. So instead, we need to set it at a time when the future really could have those cool techno-gadgets. Unfortunately, technology never seems to advance as fast as we would like it to.
• New name? Cyberpunk Undetermined Year at least One Hundred Years from Today (or Cyberpunk UYaLOHYfT for short).

Rifts: Post apocalyptic high tech, high magic goodness. This is a powergamer's dream. You will meet dragons in this game, and almost every character can drop a tank with ease and the U.S. is led by a xenophobic facist military government called the Coalition. And the world even got this way after a surge of magic energy tore open rifts to other dimensions. So what's the problem?

• FACT: I've never played in a game where I've actually seen a rift. Sure they still open from time to time in the game world, but mostly that's all past.
• FACT: People want to play the cool characters that can bench press battleships and blow up buildings with their minds, not the wimpy humans who need armor to survive. As such, the almost always end up fighting against the Coalition.
• SOLUTION: We need a name that captures what games ultimately devolve into, and not a reference to a past event.
• New name? Power Gamers Fight Space Nazis.

Magic: The Gathering: Sure, this one is a card game and not a role playing game, but the gamers, they love it. In concept, every player represents a super-powerful mage who is summoning all kinds of monsters and spells to beat up other mages. It's never really explained why these mages fight so much and don't just sit down, talk, and resolve their differences peacefully.

• FACT: Calling the game a gathering seems wrong. Gatherings are for friends and family. They are a coming together, not a tearing apart by violent warfare and devestating spells.
• FACT: Perhaps the gathering refers to the gathering of players, but I've seen many games get heated, even among friends. Or perhaps it's about the gathering of cards. Who can buy the most packs, the best cards, to ensure victory? The player who can afford the most packs and the best cards, that's who.
• SOLUTION: Magic can stay. The game does involve magic. But Gathering? We need to clarify what that means.
• New Name? Magic: The Rich Kid Always Wins.

Kobolds Ate My Baby: This game is exactly what it sounds like, almost. You play a kobold (or to be more accurate, several kobolds) trying to steal babies to eat. It's a fun, tongue-in-cheek, beer-and-pretzels rpg. What's the problem?

• FACT: It isn't "my" baby the kobolds are eating, since I'm playing a kobold myself and we aren't after kobold babies. We want plump, tender, juicy human babies. Plus, the players go through kobolds rather quickly. They aren't the hardiest of monsters.
  
• FACT: Mostly the kobolds don't actually get to eat the baby. Just their leader, King Torg. All hail King Torg!
• SOLUTION: In theory the old name was fine. It just needs a couple of tweaks to get the name accurate.
• New name? Many Kobolds Died to Serve Your Baby to King Torg (All hail King Torg!)
  

Before closing, I would to mention that there are many games with accurate names. GURPS really is a Generic Universal Role Playing System. Toon really is about cartoon characters. Paranoia really will make you think your friends are out to kill you (and they will). I applaud the honesty of these game titles. It's just the above Big Offenders that I feel ought to present themselves more accurately.

You have been informed.

8) The Adventures of Wil Wheaton Across the 8th Dimension

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're almost through with our exploration of Wil Wheaton's sordid geeky past. Four more to go. Today, we discuss a little extra-dimensional travel Wil did in his younger days.

8) Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.

When The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension came out in 1984, a young Wil Wheaton found himself sitting in awe on a darkened movie house. How he longed for a jet car. How he longed for Buckaroo to invite him to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers. He even contemplated what his nickname would be and what he'd wear. More than all of that, however, he wanted to drive through a mountain.

Flash forward several years.

Stand By Me was a huge success. Star Trek: The Next Generation was a hit. Wil Wheaton had some liquid assets behind him. He discovered into GURPS, Warhammer, and Car Wars. But he still remembered the work of the Banzai Institute. Finally old enough to drive, Wil decided to make an oscillation overthruster and attach it to his first car. For weeks, months, he poured over the design in his trailer on the set. Finally, sometime later, he finished it. He hooked it up to a golf cart and began racing around the back lot, trying to find a good spot to use it. After considerable effort, a number of failures, and the chagrin of lot security, he did it. He entered the eigth dimension. And he was disappointed that the Lectroids didn't actually speak with Jamaican accents.

Historically, there are two important notes to be made:

1. Thisis the reason he always got in trouble for speeding around in and crashing golf carts. It took a few attempts to actually finally go through the wall rather than just through the wall.
2. Realizing the dream of turning one sci-fi dream into a reality directly resolved him to start his own AADA only a year later.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Wil Wheaton

Ladies and Gentlemen, here in these United States, we often find ourselves caught up in a frenzied cult of celebrity, fueled by tabloids, headline news, and half a dozen "OMFG, she wore WHAT?" feeds. Too often we get caught up in the surface of these celebrities. Who are they dating? What projects are they working on? What drugs are they in rehab for? We find ourselves overlooking the subtleties that make them who they are. We miss their hidden little secrets. This regular installment will profile a celebrity by sharing ten facts about them that you may not know.

For this week's celebrity, I chose Wil Wheaton. Having just finished reading his book Just a Geek, I was shocked to find that while he addressed his career as an actor and writer and his nature as a geek, there were many things which only add to his geek street cred that he did not include. Below is a list of ten things about Wil Wheaton that he failed to mention in his book. And like Nigel Tuffnel's amp, this list of ten things goes to eleven.
FNORD
10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton:

1. The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.
2. Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.
   
3. Wil knows whether or not the Johns Linnell and Flansburgh are, in fact, giants.
   
4. Contrary to the Trekkie popular belief, Wil Wheaton cannot travel around time. However, when he desires it, time will travel around him.
5. Wil Wheaton started a real AADA, but had to disband it after simultaneously defeating all five other co-founders with nothing but a Radio Flyer wagon and a single flaming oil jet. To be fair to his competitors, I must point out that it was an HD flaming oil jet.
6. Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.
   
7. Wil Wheaton has access to seventh level disciplines.
8. Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.
9. Wil Wheaton is the Kwisatz Haderach.
10. Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!
11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.

You have been informed. FNORD