Dastardly Accountability

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's been a big push in recent years for accountability and transparency. People want some accountability in our government after the past administration or two, some system in which leaders take responsibility for their actions, and the people want to be informed (transparency). We're tired of being left in the dark. Even in classrooms, there is a push for accountability and transparency. With the No Child Left Behind Act, teachers are being held accountable for the results of student achievement on statistically unrealistic levels. Likewise, parents want to know exactly what is happening in the classroom so they know how to word the lawsuit when Little Sally fails a spelling test. We expect accountability and transparency in those who govern us, but you know who has always given us both, through thick and thin, for time immemorial?

Villains.

How many James Bond movies find the bad guy telling her Majesty's favorite spy every single element of his plan. "First I'm going to shoot the moon with this laser I made from parts I purchased at Home Depot. You can find my schematics at www.ImEvilGetUsedToIt.com. Then when the moon is destroyed, tides will run wild, which in turn will bring me vast fortunes as I have invested in both elevated housing technology and the boat building industry. Then I'm going to get a submarine to go underwater to retrieve all of the gold from Fort Knox while my laser sharks hunt you down, Mr. Bond, and then... you will die!"

We simply don't see that kind of honesty or openness in our leaders today. It's always "We have a plan. Things are in motion. I will not know about all of these things so I can deny knowing about them later. Any questions? Sorry, I have a thing. I don't have time to answer that one."

Likewise, Villains are the first to claim credit for their actions. When they have a plot, they take over the airwaves and make sure every person in the world knows. They hack your iPod so you get their diabolical proclamation mid "Tara's Party Mix Playlist." They put it in papers. They use psychic suggestion to put that thought, that credit into your mind. And when they fail, they admit it, but like responsible individuals promise never to give up and vow to try again.

Perhaps in the future, we should consider electing Doctor No to office. I mean, come on. He's a villain, so he's going to be upfront with you. He'll tell you what he's up to every step of the way so you can stop him if you deem it important, and he'll take full responsibility for his actions. Plus, he's a doctor, so clearly he's concerned with health care and education.

You have been informed.

Why Sarah Palin's Cheese Steak affects YOUR life

Ladies and Gentlemen, I saw a video on CNN that seemingly had zero news content other than the fact that Sarah Palin knows how to say "How are you?" and that she allegedly likes cheesesteak. Clearly, there must be some subtext to this video because I saw absolutely nothing newsworthy on first viewing. So we should break this video down to its bits.

• She says "How are you?" five times and only waits for an answer two times.
• When asked if she ordered the cheesesteak, she says "I wouldn't miss it."
• She is given two t-shirts by the owner of the diner, says thank you, and then gives them away as soon as he walks off.
  
• She gets her picture taken.

So where's the secret meaning? The phrase "how are you" is three words of three letters each. In the first bit, she asks it three times without ever changing the way she says it, as though it were a secret password. If the devil is 666, then this may be suggesting she is, in fact, a half devil.

However, she waits for an answer twice. We can't hear the first guy's reply, but the second guy asks her about the cheese steak. Clearly that is the followup passcode, because she then confirms whatever heinous activity they are up to. "I wouldn't miss it." She says. Now Phillidelphia is famous for being the birthplace of our nation and for it's cheesesteaks. Therefore, "cheese steak" is almost certainly code for "U.S. Government" or perhaps simply "the U.S.A." She says she wouldn't miss it. She has plans for if she takes office, and since she said she wouldn't miss it, and vice-president is hardly an in charge of the government position, I think it's safe to say, she anticipates McCain not being president for long. If only we could hear the answer to the fourth time she asked, we could know how she planned to take out McCain.

For more insight into her sinister plan, we must examine the t-shirt exchange. The owner of the shirts, in this case representing the trust and good will of the American people, gives her two shirts, obviously representing the two roles she plans to play, vice-president and actual president. She comments on how hard he works and how many hours he puts in. She's aware of how very hard Americans work just to keep their bills paid and how much trust and faith their giving her (two shirts). However, when his back is turned, she gives the shirts away, and how? She turns to the two closest people, considers giving one to each and then at the last second pulls the first shirt away from one of the women, the bigger one, and gives it to the one who is dressed nicer. In other words, as soon as our back is turned, she'll sell out our trust in a heartbeat, but like any mercenary, only to those who will pay.

The two photo shots represent two-dimensional she is and how two-faced we can expect her to be.

To recap: She's half devil, she plans on taking over the presidency, almost certainly through some immoral means, and she plans on screwing over the working poor to please the wealthy. In other words, she'll be just another typical politician.

And to think I thought you might just be a super hero, Sarah Palin. I do believe you may have been a villain instead. Lucky for us, McCain is still a loose-canon cop who plays by his own rules. You'll have a hard time taking him out.

You have been informed