Sarah Palin is a super hero.
A bit skeptical, are we? Let's look at the facts, shall we?
- FACT: She lives in a town with a big drug problem. Aren't super heroes attracted to crime like moths to a flame or, well, like spandex to a super hero?
- FACT: She's just one woman and she can do so many things at once: run a state, hunt "from a helicopter" (Of course that's how you fly, Mrs. Palin), raise kids, drill for oil in forests. That's not multi-tasking. That's superspeed.
- FACT: She can see Russian from where she lives. She has supervision, and I don't mean someone is looking over her. She can see miles and miles either around the curve of the earth, or if she is using her X-ray vision, through the earth.
- FACT: Being so close to Russia, despite never personally interacting with them, is valid foreign experience. Read between the lines here. She's never met them personally, yet her proximity is enough for her to understand them. She's a psychic and a telepath. She doesn't need to travel abroad to talk to the Russians. No wonder she never applied for a passport until last year. She just sits down on her comfy couch, pops open some Pringles, turns on American Idol, and it's diplomatic negotiation time. That's right, Petrov. Don't you even think about siding with Simon Cowell on this one.
- FACT: She's pretty handy with a rifle. Prior to gaining her super powers, she fought crime the way The Punisher did: with the barrel of a gun. Selling meth to preschoolers? POW! Not in my town!
- FACT: She's pretty, especially for a forty-four year old mother of five. Everyone knows that all female super heroes are agelessly attractive. How long has storm looked twenty-five? Since the sixties? Still a hottie.
- FACT: She can always tell right from wrong. Like going to war with Russia. The Cold War may officially be over, but it's always cold in Alaska. And Russia.
But how did McCain know Palin's secret?
This brings us to an important issue from John McCain's past. He's a crimefighter, too, though not a costumed one. You know the movie Die Hard? Yeah, it's a thinly veiled homage to John McCain's past. As if he could hide what he'd done by adding an L to the last name. John McClane? Seriously? It's time to own up to your crime-fighting past. Your victory over the Germans in that high rise proves your conviction to fighting terrorism at home and abroad. Admit that it was you! You beat long standing incumbent Barry Goldwater for your congressional seat. Admit that this daring exploit is how you won the favor of your constituency! I saw Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I noticed that plane crashing, an homage to the five you crashed during your distinguished military career. And in Live Free or Die Hard, you had Justin Long do all the computer stuff for you because you can't check your e-mail! I even found this old picture of you from your wild and reckless middle age...
There you have it. Today's truth in the big old lost and found box? Sarah Palin is a super hero and John McCain kills terrorists with his bare hands every year at Christmas. You have been informed.