10 Unknown Facts about Bill Nye

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am terribly late. Again. It's a recurring theme around here as I draw closer and closer to the wedding. So much to do. And the guest list is so political. "I want to invite him, but if I do, I have to invite her as well, and I'm not such a big fan of her." You know how it goes. To make it even more difficult for me to get this list out, I chose Bill Nye. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Bill Nye, the Science Guy, but he's pretty freakin' awesome. "Surely," I thought to myself, "This is a man who deserves a Ten Unknown Facts list."

"I agree wholeheartedly," I replied, "and don't call me Shirley."

"Stop making cliche references to Airplane!" I chided.

"I'm sorry. I suppose I'd better get back to that list."

"Yes, I suppose I should."

And then I began work on the list. And I uncovered ten facts. Then ten more. Then a dozen more. There were so many things this man could do I had a difficult time narrowing the list down to just ten. It was a monumental task, and I did what most Americans would do when faced with a monumental task. I avoided it. Then I decided to do something else. So instead of doing a list of ten amazing things the nigh omnipotent Bill Nye can do, I decided instead to list ten things he couldn't do, and that, my friends, produced a much shorter list. I therefore present to you...

10 Things Bill Nye Can't Do:

1. Bill Nye can't understand prime numbers, but can understand composite numbers with only prime factors. For instance, when doing a show for VH1, for his benefit, they referred to the network as VH(9-8).
2. Bill Nye can't make grilled cheese sandwiches. He can make grilled sandwiches. He can make cheese sandwiches. But he can't make grilled cheese sandwiches.
3. Bill Nye is unable to hate anything. As such, his DVR is full of shows most of us wouldn't even consider watching.
4. Bill Nye can't talk to the dead, but he can exchange e-mails with them.
5. Bill Nye can't divulge the meaning of life, but he knows it just the same.
6. Bill Nye can't seem to beat level seven of the original NES Super Mario Brothers without losing a life.
7. Bill Nye can't die by conventional means. In other words, he is immune to the top 15 causes of death, but should cancer ever drop off that list, he can die from it.
   
8. Bill Nye can't watch Office Space without laughing.
9. Bill Nye can't negate Don King's lightning powers.
10. Bill Nye can't believe it's not butter.

I don't know about you, but I feel very relieved to know that there are some things even Bill Nye can't do. It gives us a little reassurance when we fail at things.

You hvae been informed.

Ninja vs Turkey

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the past, I've discussed the relationship between Don King and the various ninja of the world. Oh relax, it's not that kind of relationship. He periodically ambushes ninja to keep them on their toes. But how does Don King stay sharp? That's what I wondered. Today I've found the answer. Once a year, he retreats to a secluded glade in the middle of a forest in Pennsylvania. Then, using a secret ritual, he summons one hundred thousand turkeys to attack him at once. Sure, turkeys may not seem scary, but when 1/6th population of the state of Alaska in thirty pound birds tries to peck you, you find a new terror you never knew existed. For forty years, Don King has participated in this ancient ritual. One by one (and sometimes five or ten at a time), he defeats the turkeys, which then commit a form of seppuku in shame. Don King, in his generosity, then gives these turkeys to needy families around the nation.

This year, he's giving them to families in my state, and personally in my city. I've volunteered to help, because anyone powerful enough to take on so many turkeys at once who doesn't use said power to try to take over the world, well, that's the kind of guy you personally help to distribute turkeys to the poor. Only in America...

You have been informed.

Don King: Ninja Slayer

Ladies and Gentlemen, two odd things happened at work today. First, my hand was mysteriously sliced on something. It's possible one of the teachers at the teacher conference we hosted got me with a shiv, but that's unlikely. When I did my student teaching with the violent drug-addled seventh graders who shoved each other through windows, the shiv was saved for students who showed up high for the sixth school day in a row. I felt that, as an accommodating fellow teacher, it would be unlikely that they would pull the shiv on me, especially after I just got them two tables at the last minute. Plus, it happened without me knowing it happened until later. That's not the way shivving works. Shivving usually gets done with some kind of battle cry, like the name of your gang or something. I heard no "East Central Elementary Power!" when I got cut. It just happened. And we already know that my place of employment is inhabited by ninja. You may wonder what that has to do with Don King. 

The other strange thing at work is that everything metal I touched shocked me. Doors. Water pitchers. Other metal things. We all remember that Don King is surrounded by an aura of static electricity from his lightning powers. Clearly so much static at work could only be generated by that man's presence. It can also be no coincidence that the presence of Don King coincides with the increase in ninja activity at work. Don King has it out for them. My suspicion is that personally, Don King has no reason to hunt the ninja, at least not economic or emotional. I suspect it's to keep them on their toes. He is Cato to their Inspector Clousseau. Ninja pay him to jump out at them when they least expect it to keep them ready for attack at any moment. So if you notice a lot of static around you, beware, Don King is near, and where there's Don King, there's ninja.

You have been informed.

The True Story of the Don King-Wayne Newton Fight

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve done a little digging into the inevitable battle between Wayne Newton and Don King and from various security tapes and the sworn testimony of those present, I’ve been able to reconstruct what I believe to be an accurate telling of events as they happen.

***

Sweat poured from Wayne Newton’s brow as he stepped from the stage. Another show a success. He panted. These performances so far from home always took a lot out of him. Sure, he’d tell the stage hands that it was just this Mississippi humidity, but deep down, he knew the truth. He was too far from the vault, too far from the Holy Grail it contained. With every mile apart he felt his mortality return. So far from home, he would barely be able to walk away from a head on collision. Still, though he may not have been safe so distant from its power, it was far safer where it was than on the road. He couldn’t risk the grail falling into the wrong hands, such as those of long time rival Tom Jones. The thought of losing the chalice made his hair stand on end. Or was there perhaps something else in the air?

*

On the other side of the casino on the convention floor, the air sizzled with electricity as Don King promised the press what would certainly be the most prospicitous pugilation beyond all rememimbrification. Even so, deep within him, his spirit stirred. He could sense a power, a presence not far from him, Beyond Magnolia Ballroom to be sure. Beyond even the casino floor, but not much farther. In fact, if he had to guess, he would assume the source of these disturbances was the theatre. He rushed through the rest of the press conference, accidentally mispronouncing awesomicity, though no one seemed to notice. He had to find what caused his mind to buzz and flare. Surrounded by the blinding light of his rhinestone covered denim jacket, he quickly made his way down the back corridors to the stage.

*

In the theatre, Wayne Newton hurried to his dressing room, wrought with unplaced apprehension. As he rounded the corner, he found himself finally able to name his fear.

“King.”

“Newton.”

Wayne immediately sprang into Crane style, but Don King’s Monkey Fu outclassed the singer in moments. “I’m gonna increase the whoopitude on you a hundred-fold.”

The martial arts battle continued. Newton switched to Blind Frog Style, which King countered with Silent Tiger school. Naturally, Newton countered with Heavy Fist, due to its unbalancing effect on King’s graceful deadly dance. Silent Tiger gave way to Hungry Fox, but Newton anticipated the change and was already preemptively counterstriking with Hundred Petal Lotus technique. I could not ascertain who, but someone threw fencing blades to the two as they neared the stage. Again it became a contest of rival styles. They started with Agrippa due to the uneven surface of the stage steps, but Don King countered with Capo Ferro. Newton turned to Thibault, which he always felt cancelled out Capo Ferro. Now on the level stage, King was able to counter with the Bonetti defense. Looking at the scuff marks on the stage, I was able to ascertain that it was clearly the work of two masters, if not wizards, of swordcraft.

With a laugh, Don King switched his sword from his left to his right and began a relentless flurry of blades against the singer. Newton quickly became overwhelmed by the assault, lost his footing and fell, cursing himself for ever switching from the Agrippa. He began to climb to his feet before a searing pain shot through every nerve in his body. He cursed himself again. How could he have forgotten? How had he failed so completely to account for his opponent? For one brief moment, Newton had been on all fours. In that moment, Don King attempted his mental killing blow. Though by no means near, Wayne Newton was still close enough to the Holy Grail that the mental assault merely stunned him for all he was woth.

Sensing that he was losing the upper hand to Don King, Wayne Newton panicked and turned invisible. He had to get back to the grail if he was to survive this. Otherwise, Don King would sever his head and take his power. He raced for his private jet as Don King released a nigh endless flood of lightning through the theatre. Each blast burned like hellfire, but Wayne Newton managed to make it to the roof, where he boarded his aircraft and blasted his way across the menacing night sky.

Back in the theatre, Don King was momentarily stunned by the sonic boom, but knew where the singer must be going. Out of the building in a flash, Don King used his hypersonic speed to run down mile after endless mile of highway before finally reaching his destination: Wayne Newton Manor.

He began his merciless attack on Newton’s abode, but was quickly struck down by a being of raw force. Wayne Newton descended from the mansion aglow with holy avenging power. “Not here, mortal. Perhaps in Biloxi you could have defeated me, but not here. And not when I have THIS!”

Newton wielded the grail before him. It was filled with pure, unadulterated power. Indeed, the cup ranneth over with it. Don King had to back away. The power was too great for even him to be in the presence of. The promoter steeled his courage for one final, though futile attack. So close to the grail, Newton did not even need to defend against it. Don King was blasted back by Wayne Newton’s overpowering aura.

(the following I cannot confirm as the two were out of view of the camera, but I heard it in at least one account and I really want to believe it’s true.)

The singer strolled to Don King’s prone body, plucked a twenty from his wallet, and whispered into the beaten man’s ear before having him removed from the property.

“Danke schon, bitch!”

***

Again, this account is based on observation of security tapes coupled with my lip reading ability and the sworn statements of seven key witnesses and twelve auxiliary witnesses.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts: Vegas Showdown Edition

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Ten Facts Tuesday (I know last week I did it on a Wednesday, but that was because it was about Wil Wheaton and I couldn't resist the alliteration. I mean, come on Ten Facts Tuesday or Wil Wheaton Wednesday?). I digress.

While in Biloxi, Mississippi not long ago, I saw that both Wayne Newton and Don King, both Vegas icons, would both be at the same casino at the same time: the Beau Rivage. I did some investigating into the two of them. Here is what I found.

10 Unknown Facts about Wayne Newton:
1) Wayne Newton can turn invisible at will.
2) Wayne Newton built a time machine so he could watch himself perform to see what all the fuss was about.
3) Wayne Newton consumes three times his body weight in exotic cheeses per day.
4) Wayne Newton can not only write equally well with both hands, but also with both feet.
5) Wayne Newton is immortal as long as he does not stray too far from the Holy Grail.
6) At the age of three, Wayne Newton shot Hitler just after giving him the cyanide capsule. He told the dictator it was a jelly bean.
7) Wayne Newton speaks fluent Klingon.
8) For Wayne Newton, every day is double coupon day.
9) Wayne Newton's feces really do smell like roses and are rumored to be the base of a number of perfumes.
10) Wayne Newton has always known what Willis was talking about.

10 Unknown Facts about Don King:
1) Don King leapt fully formed from the head of Teddy Roosevelt.
2) Don King can kill anything with four or more legs with but a thought, though a three legged dog is beyond his abilities.
3) Don King once raced a cheetah cross country. The cheetah won by five minutes, but it cheated and used a car.
4) Don King's hair is actually a side-effect of his lightning powers, which he won off of Zeus with the beer hand.
5) Don King does not make up words, but rather uses his mystic powers to pull existing words from the future, thus creating a time loop.
6) It was Don King, and not a dingo nor a kobold, that ate your baby.
7) Don King gets paid a dollar every time Emiril says "bam." No one knows why.
8) Don King started the Furby fad just so he could hate them.
9) Don King can name all 101 dalmations.
10) Don King gets presents from Santa every year, even though Santa doesn't exist.

Given the proximity of these two Epic Entertainers, surely an awesome battle ensued (probably on the pool deck). The question is, who won?

Leave a comment explaining why you think one will triumph over the other. I'll research the guesses and come back with the story of how the fight really went down.