Obama: A Man We Can Trust

Ladies and Gentlemen, this just a brief injection of truth before I have to go run errands today, but I figure it needed to be shared. There are a lot of concerns these days what with the economy and North Korea wanting to play the Let's Swap Nukes game. But in this time of stress and turmoil, we can at least rest assured with one thing. We can trust Obama to do anything he says he'll do. Obama has made a number of campaign promises. Such promises include ending unwarranted wiretaps, fully funding the Veteran's Administration, and securing nuclear weapons materials in four years, none of which have had any progress made on them yet. Rest assured, however, that he will get to it because he's a man who keeps his promises.

• Fact: During the election, he promised his kids a dog if he got elected. His children now have a dog.
• Fact: During the campaign, he promised his wife if he got elected, he would take her to a Broadway show. He took his wife to Joe Turner's Come and Gone.

The truth of the matter is, of all promises, these are the ones people least expect to be fulfilled. After all, how many husbands have said, "Yeah, honey. If I get this promotion, I'm buying you the fanciest dress and taking you to the nicest restaurant" only to blow it off and say, "this new promotion wears me out. I'm too tired to take you out dancing." How many dads have promised their kids dogs and never provided. You see, these are promises that we expect to be broken. Once in a lifetime promises like "I'll close Guantanemo" we expect to be said sincerely because it's so very memorable. We expect promises like that to be kept. The fact that Obama made good on two of the top ten most commonly broken promises* means we can certainly expect him to make good on everything else. Why else would the news have felt it important to share the keeping of these revolutionary promises if they didn't directly impact the nation?

You have been informed.

*10 Most Frequently Broken Promises (in no particular order):

1. Taking out the trash
   
2. Doing the dishes
   
3. Getting the kids a dog
   
4. Taking loved one out for a nice evening.
5. Quitting a bad habit
   
6. Wedding vows
7. Anything someone says they'll do tomorrow
8. Not reading something you are told is private
9. Rub feet/Shoulders
10. Lowering taxes
    

Obama's Challenges, Part 3

Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to my final piece of advice for the Obama administration in dealing with the myriad of problems facing them. Without further delay, let us discuss what's to be done about this country of ours, shall we?

7) Social Security

Social security is becoming increasingly costly, but I have a plan to reduce it fourfold. I can't speak for everywhere, but where I live, the elderly tend to congregate in the casinos, wheeling their oxygen tanks up to the slot machines. Now, these elderly individuals are invariably members of the players clubs of every casino on the coast. These casinos give points for playing, which are redeemed for free meals and rooms and the occasional chintzy gift. Further, to lure these septuagenarian players from one casino to another, they offer coupons and incentives which multiply these points. Therefore, if we give them one quarter of the usual money we give them, but in the form of a gift certificate with attached players club cards and coupons, they'll be able to take that money, throw it into the slots, get four or more times the points out than they put in, then have them present their "We'll double any competitor's coupons" to bump their points up even more. At this pace, your grandparents can be living the high life with a free buffet dinner a week, and every couple of months or so, a room and tickets to see Howie Mandell do stand-up (remember when he used to be a comedian?). Best of all, unlike the Bush Stock Investment Social Security Plan, this one actually admits to being a gamble, making it a more honest way to look after dear old grandma.

8) Climate Change

No, I won't suggest we revisit the Bush Giant Air Conditioner Plan. That would never work these days. For starters, you can no longer set the thermostat to "economy" because that button broke in recent months. Second, do you realize how big a plug outlet we'd have to build? It'd be way too easy for babies to stick forks in it. No no no no no.

My plan is much simpler, straight forward, and long lasting. For those of you who have seen the movie Sunshine, you may already know what I'm getting at. In that wonderful science fiction movie from earlier this year, the sun is going out and a nuclear bomb the size of Manhattan is launched into the center of the sun to reignite the star's core, thus heating it back up. I propose we do the opposite. We make a fire-extinguisher bomb the size of Manhattan and launch it to cool down the center of the sun a little. The sun doesn't burn as hot anymore. We can push global temperatures back to what they were a hundred years ago, or possibly even 10,000 years ago. No more global warming.

9) Uniting America

Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick." This is sound advice, but as a governing individual, it will no doubt need to be made more complex a solution. So here's what we do. First, we break The Ungame out and use it to talk about our feelings. Then, we build the biggest campfire the world has ever seen and roast weenies and s'mores while everyone in the country takes turns saying something nice about the person sitting to their left and right. Then we all sing Kumbaya and start doing trust falls and role-reversal exercises. Finally, we put out the campfire, lay down in our sleeping bags, staring up at the stars and sharing mildly embarassing stories about what we were like as kids while asking semi-philosophical popculture questions before promising each other that we'll be friends for ever, exchange phone numbers and friendship bracelets, talk about how much we can't wait to come back to summer camp next year and then go to sleep.

Then in the morning, we'll wake up and forget everything we learned about ourselves and each other over the past twenty-four hours and start arguing, which will lead to a no-holds-barred, last party standing battle royale to the death. The survivors reflect on what a frail thing is man and what his role is in the world, both current and potential. We'll quote Plato, Descarte, and Shakespeare. Someone will ironically quote The Clash. We'll giggle because on the surface we want to pretend its funny, but deep down inside, we'll know they were probably right. Then we'll help each other limp to the hospital, questioning whether man is worth saving at all, as the sun sets fiery golden red in the distance. Problem solved.

Take heed, Obama. Follow my advice and it's smooth sailing for the next four years. You're welcome.

Y0u have been informed.

Obama's Challenges, Part 2

Ladies and Gentlemen, as mentioned yesterday, all is not sunshine and daisies for President-Elect Barack Obama. He has his work cut out for him in his four-year term. He's inheriting a major financial crisis, two wars, immigration, health care, education, national security and foreign policy, social security, climate change, and uniting America. That's a tall order for just one man (and the house, and the senate and 55% of Americans). s a sign of my support for our new president, today I'm continuing my offer my suggestions to help Obama work through this massively backlogged presidential inbox of responsibilities.


4) Health Care:

Everyone is freaking out because Obama has "Marxist tendencies" and he wants to "socialize health care." As someone born during the Cold War, I'm shocked that anyone would even consider socialism. It's the step brother of Communism, right? And once you go Communist, it's only a matter of time before all of society falls apart, the kids start worshipping Satan and doing the drugs. We all know that's what communism leads to. So rather than simply taking a stand against socialized health care, I think Obama needs to roll back all of the socialism that anti-American liberals like Benjamin Franklin and FDR put into place. That's right. No more socialized police, fire, education, or military either.

Won't life be better when your friendly police officer releases the man who just tried to kill you because you can't pay your bill? Or when the fire department refuses to put out the fire that's consuming your house because you can't cut them a check first? (look, it's not their fault you left it inside while trying to help your family flee the inferno). It'll be just like that scene in Gangs of New York. And Americans can take more personal responsibility for their safety by taking up arms against invaders when Russia comes marching through your neighborhood because you didn't pay your defense bill on time. Or when your child brings home a progress report and an invoice every four weeks? Then only the wealthy can afford schools, just like that wildly successful time in human history known as the Dark Ages.

For the moral health of this nation, we need to get rid of socialized education, military, and civil service as well as health care. And while we're at it, let's desocialize religion. It'd be like that poem about the foot prints, when the guy asks Jesus why there was only one set of footprints when things were hardest for him, and Jesus said, "Because, my son, that was when you didn't slip a fifty in the collection plate."

The fact of the matter is, people shouldn't have equal access to health care, just like they don't deserve equal educations, police, fire, or military protection, or even equal access to God. Historically, all of the above were reserved only for the wealthy elite. It wasn't until the past couple centuries that we got uppity and decided to spit in the face of oppressive history and focus on absurd notions like "equality" and "basic human rights." And hasn't the big push recently been toward traditional values? Why break thousand year old traditions now?

5) Education

See the previous entry. Desocialize it. Think of all of the money we could save, that, when not going toward programs that improve the quality of life in America, can instead go into politician's pockets. Meanwhile, we'll lower that pesky literacy rate that's way too high in this country and Oliver Cromwell can stop knocking over my bookshelves. And while we're at it, let's get rid of the socialist free-lunch program for school kids as well. Maybe then they'll finally decide not to be poor.


6) National Security and Foreign Policy

What should we do about national security? Two words: Super. Heroes. Two more words: Jack. Bauer. Two more, plus nine in a parenthetical expression: The. Doctor. (If. We. Can. Get. Him. On. Loan. From. England.) Between those three elements, there's nothing that could possibly threaten our national security and get away with it.

As for foreign policy, once more, why argue with history? Everyone loves a bully, right? Or at least they don't stand up to them and generally acquiesce to demands. That's worked for us pretty well for the last eight years, right? The world won't mind. Forget about this mamby pamby co-operation, make peace, make the world a better place for all and show some kind of responsibility on a global scale touchy-feely nonsense. In other words, make sure you pay that military bill; we're going on tour.

You have been informed.

Obama's Challenges, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, by this point we all realize how flawless our electoral system is. It lets our support blossom. An impressive 55% popular vote majority can bloom into a two thirds majority electoral vote. Hope grows. However, all is not sunshine and daisies for President-Elect Barack Obama yet. He has his work cut out for him in his four-year term. He's inheriting a major financial crisis, two wars, immigration, health care, education, national security and foreign policy, social security, climate change, and uniting America. That's a tall order for just one man (and the house, and the senate and 55% of Americans). So, as a sign of my support for our new president, over the next few days I'm going to offer a few suggestions to help Obama work through this massively backlogged presidential inbox of responsibilities.

1) The Economic Crisis

This one is easy. As we all learned from the Bush administration following 9/11 and this recent hardship, the answer is always "spend more money." Too much credit got us into this mess. Too much credit will get us out. It works in Paranoia. It worked in that episode of Sliders with the SkyMall. Simply require Americans to spend a percentage, upwards of 80% of our income on frivolous things we don't need (since I pay 20% in taxes right now on average) . This will put more money into the economy, create jobs and jumpstart industry. Saving money is unpatriotic. Plus, it will keep me from getting into trouble with my fiancee when I purchase more board games instead of saving for the wedding.

"But what about my bills?" you may ask. We have all of this credit, right? Too much? Use it, baby! To paraphrase Palin, "Charge, baby, charge!" In abusing all of this credit we have now, credit lenders will realize how foolish they were to give us so much in the first place, thus preventing them from ever making the same mistake in the future. Besides, what's more American than debt? Problem solved.

2a) The War in Iraq

I specifically recall George W. Bush saying this war would be over in months when we started it. I also remember him saying several months later that the war was won. We all know that the Dubya would never lie to us. That means its over, right? Has been for years. This is not a problem. Break out the pina coladas for some celebratory victory drinks.

2b) The War in Afganistan (it is Afganistan, right? Or is it the War on Terror? Or Drugs? Or Obesity? We've declared so many wars recently, it's hard to keep up.)

Ok, we have to do this one one war at a time. If the war is in/on:

• Afganistan: Shoot the bad guys. Everyone knows this is how wars are fought. We must not be shooting enough bad guys if it's still going on. Not winning? Shoot more bad guys. And people think military strategy is hard. Bah!
• Terror: Ban scary movies and books. Let's lock up Steven King and Dean Koontz and ship them off to Guantanimo. We'll get Wes Craven too on attempted terror. And I love you, but sorry, Dad. Looks like you have to go too for telling me those scary stories as a child. Maybe next time we'll learn our lesson and declare war on terrorism instead.
• Drugs: We begin an aggressive new ad campaign. Here's the shot. We're in an airport. A fat, sweaty, unshaved man in tight sweatpants and an REO Speedwagon shirt is standing in line glancing nervously around. A customs agent pulls him out of line. We see him take the man into a back room. Close-up of a latex glove going on the agent's hand. Shot of lube optional. Close up of our drug mule's face cringing in pain during the cavity search. We pull back. Our agent is seen standing behind a pantsless drug mule. He holds a balloon of cocaine. Then we get the following caption: "This is how the drugs you just took entered the country. Any questions?"
• Obesity: We sue fast food places until they can't afford to sell us high fat, high cholesterol, high calorie meals anymore. Since we've shown that we as Americans are incapable of taking personal responsibility, we must instead punish those who enable us to make our own bad decisions.
  

3) Immigration

What we do is we build a big wall with barbed wire and trenches and guard dogs and machine guns along the border. You know, kinda like that one they had in Berlin a few years ago. That'll keep people from wanting to leave a bad situation to move to a land of freedom and opportunity. Anyone industrious enough to get passed that we probably want in our country anyway. They're smarter than the average bear, and should be immediately put to work developing super science gizmos like time-freezing rays and jet packs. If you can build a jet pack for me, I'm all in favor of giving you citizenship.

Tomorrow, we'll tackle the next three items on the list.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Barack Obama

Ladies and Gentlemen, after yesterday's very serious plea for all able Americans to go vote, I give you, as promised, a one day delayed Ten Facts Tuesday about now President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama.

10 Unknown Facts about Barack Obama:

1. Barack Obama paid his way through college by killing vampires. While not a professional job persay, you are allowed to keep any money or valuables found on the vampire. And no, it's nothing like mugging someone or graverobbing. It's freelance supernatural policework.
2. Barack Obama did eventually get that change he was looking for.
3. Barack Obama once went on a road trip and drove his car to every state in the nation including Hawaii.
4. Barack Obama rolls natural twenties and eight sided dice.
5. As a champion of hope, Barack Obama learned how to pilot the TARDIS, on the optimistic chance the Doctor ever chooses him to be his new companion.
6. When Barack Obama asks "Can we do it?" Bob the Builder replies, "Yes we can."
7. Barack Obama can leap over moderately sized buildings in a single bound.
8. Barack Obama has laser eyes, but they are only class 1 lasers, and thus are pretty much only useful for pointing out things during PowerPoint presentations.
9. Barack Obama can temporarilly turn his bones to gelatin, allowing him to squeeze through tight spaces.
10. Barack Obama learned to speak Japanese so that he wouldn't have to deal with a lame dubbed version of Akira. Discovering Dragon Ball Z made him wish he never learned.

You have been informed.

McCain Loves Terrorist Lovers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sharing just a quick thought. Palin says Obama is a terrible person who associates with terrorists. McCain says nothing against Palin for this comment, nor does he contradict his supporters when they call Obama a terrorist who needs to be killed. This, to me, means he supports this idea of Obama being a dangerous terrorist, or at least terrorist sympathizer/supporter. However, recently, McCain has also stated that he has nothing but the utmost respect for Obama, and he considers the Chicago darling a fine young man. Does this make McCain a supporter of domestic terrorism as well?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems like every other position, McCain has flipflopped. Sure, he may have been the hard core terrorist killer who inspired the movie Die Hard once upon a time, but nowadays, he's just another politician cozying up to a corporate sponser, the terrorists. Not to mention his vicious attacks against Obama's lack of experience, followed promptly by choosing Palin as his running mate. Is there anything he won't change his stance on? I bet soon he'll actually start landing planes instead of crashing them too.

You have been informed.

While we're on the subject of Presidents

About twenty years ago, a young Harvard Law student known as Barack Obama was out drinking with friends after a particularly difficult exam. Having imbibed a little too much, but still being a respectable, upright citizen, he decided to call a cab. Barack searched his pockets, the ash tray, everywhere he could think of, but alas, could find no quarter with which to use the payphone. (yes, a payphone. This was back in the day before the technology from the original Star Trek was released for civilian use as the cellular phone). Needing to get home but unable to drive, Barack began feverishly moving from person to person, pleading his need for change.

"Buddy, we all need change," said one jaded bar patron.

A light suddenly clicked on in his head. It isn't enough for him to find change. "We all need change." He needed to bring change to every drunk man, woman, and child without a quarter to call a cab. His grand manner of speech, however, ensured that his never-ending quest for quarters for the world would forever be misinterpretted. His misunderstood message has been snowballing ever since.

Where is this young man now, twenty years later? He's been nominated to the presidency of the United States. His message? Change for everyone.

You have been informed.