Obama's Challenges, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, by this point we all realize how flawless our electoral system is. It lets our support blossom. An impressive 55% popular vote majority can bloom into a two thirds majority electoral vote. Hope grows. However, all is not sunshine and daisies for President-Elect Barack Obama yet. He has his work cut out for him in his four-year term. He's inheriting a major financial crisis, two wars, immigration, health care, education, national security and foreign policy, social security, climate change, and uniting America. That's a tall order for just one man (and the house, and the senate and 55% of Americans). So, as a sign of my support for our new president, over the next few days I'm going to offer a few suggestions to help Obama work through this massively backlogged presidential inbox of responsibilities.

1) The Economic Crisis

This one is easy. As we all learned from the Bush administration following 9/11 and this recent hardship, the answer is always "spend more money." Too much credit got us into this mess. Too much credit will get us out. It works in Paranoia. It worked in that episode of Sliders with the SkyMall. Simply require Americans to spend a percentage, upwards of 80% of our income on frivolous things we don't need (since I pay 20% in taxes right now on average) . This will put more money into the economy, create jobs and jumpstart industry. Saving money is unpatriotic. Plus, it will keep me from getting into trouble with my fiancee when I purchase more board games instead of saving for the wedding.

"But what about my bills?" you may ask. We have all of this credit, right? Too much? Use it, baby! To paraphrase Palin, "Charge, baby, charge!" In abusing all of this credit we have now, credit lenders will realize how foolish they were to give us so much in the first place, thus preventing them from ever making the same mistake in the future. Besides, what's more American than debt? Problem solved.

2a) The War in Iraq

I specifically recall George W. Bush saying this war would be over in months when we started it. I also remember him saying several months later that the war was won. We all know that the Dubya would never lie to us. That means its over, right? Has been for years. This is not a problem. Break out the pina coladas for some celebratory victory drinks.

2b) The War in Afganistan (it is Afganistan, right? Or is it the War on Terror? Or Drugs? Or Obesity? We've declared so many wars recently, it's hard to keep up.)

Ok, we have to do this one one war at a time. If the war is in/on:

• Afganistan: Shoot the bad guys. Everyone knows this is how wars are fought. We must not be shooting enough bad guys if it's still going on. Not winning? Shoot more bad guys. And people think military strategy is hard. Bah!
• Terror: Ban scary movies and books. Let's lock up Steven King and Dean Koontz and ship them off to Guantanimo. We'll get Wes Craven too on attempted terror. And I love you, but sorry, Dad. Looks like you have to go too for telling me those scary stories as a child. Maybe next time we'll learn our lesson and declare war on terrorism instead.
• Drugs: We begin an aggressive new ad campaign. Here's the shot. We're in an airport. A fat, sweaty, unshaved man in tight sweatpants and an REO Speedwagon shirt is standing in line glancing nervously around. A customs agent pulls him out of line. We see him take the man into a back room. Close-up of a latex glove going on the agent's hand. Shot of lube optional. Close up of our drug mule's face cringing in pain during the cavity search. We pull back. Our agent is seen standing behind a pantsless drug mule. He holds a balloon of cocaine. Then we get the following caption: "This is how the drugs you just took entered the country. Any questions?"
• Obesity: We sue fast food places until they can't afford to sell us high fat, high cholesterol, high calorie meals anymore. Since we've shown that we as Americans are incapable of taking personal responsibility, we must instead punish those who enable us to make our own bad decisions.
  

3) Immigration

What we do is we build a big wall with barbed wire and trenches and guard dogs and machine guns along the border. You know, kinda like that one they had in Berlin a few years ago. That'll keep people from wanting to leave a bad situation to move to a land of freedom and opportunity. Anyone industrious enough to get passed that we probably want in our country anyway. They're smarter than the average bear, and should be immediately put to work developing super science gizmos like time-freezing rays and jet packs. If you can build a jet pack for me, I'm all in favor of giving you citizenship.

Tomorrow, we'll tackle the next three items on the list.

You have been informed.

Terrorist Sabotage

Ladies and Gentlemen, just a brief update for you. A recent study has found that more U.S. Marines have died in motorcycle crashes than to enemy fire in the past twelve months. Clearly the terrorists have realized they're no match for the United States Marine Corps in open combat, and have taken instead to getting jobs in motorcycle factories and, via a series of psychically guided messages, sabotaging only the motorcycles that would end up belonging to U.S. Marines. Those sneaky terrorists...

You have been informed.

McCain Loves Terrorist Lovers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sharing just a quick thought. Palin says Obama is a terrible person who associates with terrorists. McCain says nothing against Palin for this comment, nor does he contradict his supporters when they call Obama a terrorist who needs to be killed. This, to me, means he supports this idea of Obama being a dangerous terrorist, or at least terrorist sympathizer/supporter. However, recently, McCain has also stated that he has nothing but the utmost respect for Obama, and he considers the Chicago darling a fine young man. Does this make McCain a supporter of domestic terrorism as well?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems like every other position, McCain has flipflopped. Sure, he may have been the hard core terrorist killer who inspired the movie Die Hard once upon a time, but nowadays, he's just another politician cozying up to a corporate sponser, the terrorists. Not to mention his vicious attacks against Obama's lack of experience, followed promptly by choosing Palin as his running mate. Is there anything he won't change his stance on? I bet soon he'll actually start landing planes instead of crashing them too.

You have been informed.

Terrorism of the Knees

Ladies and Gentlemen, I seem to be suffering some form of awfulness. While working hard today to put on a conference for the National Council on Economic Education, my knee inexplicably began to give me awful pains and even started to swell a little. I could recall hitting it on no large objects and/or pieces of furniture or building. Further, I remembered no twisting steps, trips, or other incidences of lost footing. I felt bewildered and befuddled over the injury's origins while simultaneously beleaguered and besieged by said inexplicable injury. With no direct incident to cite as the catalyst for my knee infirmity, I could reach only one explanation:

Terrorists.

It explained why my knee hurt with no impact or twist, no misuse or abuse. After all, I was working for the National Council for Economic Education. The Terrorists know that our economy is failing and want to stop every effort for us to turn it around. Hence, a knee injury while tending to those intent on teaching proper economics. Those crafty Terrorists.

As a man named Truth, I must confess, Ladies and Gentlemen, that I was wrong in my initial guess. My first assessment was Communists. After all, they too had a vested interest in seeing our capitalist free market economy fail. But then I realize how silly that sounded. Communists made my knee hurt? Communists! Ha! What is this, 1987? Every one knows Communists aren't a threat. That was simply me thinking back to the golden days of my youth in which in which we wrongly believed that Communists were behind every terrible thing to happen. Oh how young and naive we were. Now that we know what Communism really is, we are able to see the truth of the matter. It's always Terrorists who are behind every plot. It always has been, and it never was Communists. Just like we've always been at war with Eurasia and allied to Eastasia.

For this reason, I must keep moving, even though it hurts my knee and will probably only exacerbate the problem. Because if I stop walking on my injured knee, the Terrorists win.

(On second thought, I have been using a lot of big words, and we all know that colleges are hotbeds for Communists and Socialists... Nah, it's always Terrorists now)

Now if you don't mind...

You have been informed.