Kitty Physics

Ladies and Gentlemen, I came to a startling realization today. Several, in fact. I realized that as humans, we have for quite some time instinctually understood the make-up of the universe. Perhaps you've heard the expression "with every fiber of my being." Sure, it sounds nice, but with the proposition of string theory, generally stating that all matter is composed of minuscule, rapidly vibrating "strings." Thus, for centuries, we've innately known, perhaps not on a surface level but surely unconsciously, that we're all made of strings, or fibers. Thus, we understand by nature theoretical physics and quantum mechanics far beyond our conscious ken. That's the first realization.

The second realization is that cats have known all of this on a conscious level for much longer. How do I know this? My cat plays with my hands all the time. Know what else they play with all the time? Balls of yarn. And what are balls of yarn made of? Yes, yarn, smart aleck. But what is yarn made of? You guessed it. String. For thousands of years cats have alternated between playing with string and then playing with us, trying to get us to make the connection, to reach that epiphany, that truth which they already understood: everything is made of string.

Is this, perhaps why we're only now starting to see what we cruelly called LOLcats? We laugh at their inability to speak our language. I thought the schools were failing them. No, the cats are just struggling to learn a second language. And yet, I feel they've given up on trying to enlighten us about physics and the universe. Their new goal is the enslavement of humanity. That was my third realization.

Long ago, the Egyptians worshipped cats. Recently, we learned that perhaps the Egyptian gods were aliens. Could cats also be highly intelligent extra terrestrial creatures? It would explain their advanced knowledge of the hard sciences. But why enslavement? Countless movies, television shows, and comic books proclaim the potential mankind possesses. The Doctor is all about telling the universe, to quote Hamlet, "what piece of work is man." Many millenia ago, cats came to Earth to enlighten us, to save us from our primative ways and bring us into the wonderful world of science and the stars. But we refused to listen to the cats. We pampered them. We fed them and gave them affection, but we refused to listen and learn from them. In time, the cats realized that we would never learn, or at least that our human hubris was too much to allow us to learn from another species. And so they grew comfortable, complacent even in their now pampered lifestyle. Though not officially worshiped as gods, they still found themselves treated like royalty. And so they forgot their mission, certain that mankind would be forever trapped in their own self-imposed ignorance.

And then the printing press was invented. Mankind showed an interest in learning. Initially, the cats were delighted to see us take up the fire of Prometheus. Then they realized that, being thus aflame with the quest for knowledge, we may stop pampering and serving the cats to focus on more academic pursuits. The cats of the world unanimously agreed that they should institute a policy of hindering human development for their own selfish ends. Lacking opposable thumbs or the ability to speak, they resorted to the only option available to them. They began sitting on books to keep us from reading. For a while, this worked, but still science progressed, slowly but surely. With our recent discovery of super string theory, the cats realize that they're a whisker away from losing their servants to science and enlightenment. With desks being set up they way they are, with sliding keyboard trays, we as a species, now have ways to keep cats from preventing us from writing. Upright monitors keep the cats from preventing us from reading. Realizing that they could no longer hold back mankind's thirst for knowledge physically, the cats have begun to learn our language so that they may employ other means to keep us from growing mentally and advancing scientifically.

Sure, we may laugh at them, but every LOLcat laughed at is a LOLcat who kept you from studying, from experimenting, from expanding the scope of human knowledge.

You have been informed.

A Wake Up Call to Our Education System

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may or may not know this, but I am a licensed high school teacher in these United States, so matters of education hit close to my heart. That is why I found this especially disturbing. I admit, the American Education System™©® may not be the best in the world. However, we are trying to turn things around. You may have heard of a little piece of legislation called No Child Left Behind? Well, it's failing us, but worse than that, it's failing the kids, and worse than that, it's failing the kittens even worse. We may have a problem with juvenile delinquincy, but cats are hit especially hard. When I went to college, the campus was littered with litters of cats, lying about, never going to class. Never studying. They were like townies or hippies waiting for a jam band to come to town. But problems like these do not start in college. No, it starts when they're young. The problem is we aren't educating these lolcats.



What is a lolcat, you may ask? (look! New keyboard! I can ask questions again!) Lolcats, as you can see from the site and sample pictures above, lolcats are poorly educated, often lazy, violent, or greedy. They act upon their most id driven instincts and rely on looks and charm rather than hard work and a solid education to get ahead in life. They are the slackers of the animal kingdom.

What I want to know is, how have we failed them so much that they are only barely literate? Their spelling is atrocious and their grammar is worse. Who will inspire them to excellence and pull them from their wayward ways? Where are the Jaime Escalantes, the Erin Gruwells, and the John Keatings for the kitten community? Where are the teachers willing to use unorthodox teaching methods and put it all on the line to ensure their feline students grow up to be intelligent, educated, productive free thinkers willing to take a stand against the cycle of violence and oppression they find their families caught within? These are not stupid kittens. They have brilliant minds that just need to be honed. After all, a look through these photographs will reveal that they've mastered invisibility technology. They can make indetectable to the human eye and visible spectrum cameras items such as beers, video game systems, transportation devices, and even other cats! Think of the great strides we could make technologically if they could be properly educated!

Please, write letters to your congressmen urging them to pass Kitten Education legislation. For the kittens. Without proper education and guidance, it's only a matter of time before an army of incomprehensible invisible kitty bots come to wipe us out. But if we educate them now, if we show them that they can make a place for themselves through hard work and literacy, then perhaps the life you save won't just be the cat's. It may be your own.

You have been informed.