Tiny Brains, My Foot!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

Kitty Physics

Ladies and Gentlemen, I came to a startling realization today. Several, in fact. I realized that as humans, we have for quite some time instinctually understood the make-up of the universe. Perhaps you've heard the expression "with every fiber of my being." Sure, it sounds nice, but with the proposition of string theory, generally stating that all matter is composed of minuscule, rapidly vibrating "strings." Thus, for centuries, we've innately known, perhaps not on a surface level but surely unconsciously, that we're all made of strings, or fibers. Thus, we understand by nature theoretical physics and quantum mechanics far beyond our conscious ken. That's the first realization.

The second realization is that cats have known all of this on a conscious level for much longer. How do I know this? My cat plays with my hands all the time. Know what else they play with all the time? Balls of yarn. And what are balls of yarn made of? Yes, yarn, smart aleck. But what is yarn made of? You guessed it. String. For thousands of years cats have alternated between playing with string and then playing with us, trying to get us to make the connection, to reach that epiphany, that truth which they already understood: everything is made of string.

Is this, perhaps why we're only now starting to see what we cruelly called LOLcats? We laugh at their inability to speak our language. I thought the schools were failing them. No, the cats are just struggling to learn a second language. And yet, I feel they've given up on trying to enlighten us about physics and the universe. Their new goal is the enslavement of humanity. That was my third realization.

Long ago, the Egyptians worshipped cats. Recently, we learned that perhaps the Egyptian gods were aliens. Could cats also be highly intelligent extra terrestrial creatures? It would explain their advanced knowledge of the hard sciences. But why enslavement? Countless movies, television shows, and comic books proclaim the potential mankind possesses. The Doctor is all about telling the universe, to quote Hamlet, "what piece of work is man." Many millenia ago, cats came to Earth to enlighten us, to save us from our primative ways and bring us into the wonderful world of science and the stars. But we refused to listen to the cats. We pampered them. We fed them and gave them affection, but we refused to listen and learn from them. In time, the cats realized that we would never learn, or at least that our human hubris was too much to allow us to learn from another species. And so they grew comfortable, complacent even in their now pampered lifestyle. Though not officially worshiped as gods, they still found themselves treated like royalty. And so they forgot their mission, certain that mankind would be forever trapped in their own self-imposed ignorance.

And then the printing press was invented. Mankind showed an interest in learning. Initially, the cats were delighted to see us take up the fire of Prometheus. Then they realized that, being thus aflame with the quest for knowledge, we may stop pampering and serving the cats to focus on more academic pursuits. The cats of the world unanimously agreed that they should institute a policy of hindering human development for their own selfish ends. Lacking opposable thumbs or the ability to speak, they resorted to the only option available to them. They began sitting on books to keep us from reading. For a while, this worked, but still science progressed, slowly but surely. With our recent discovery of super string theory, the cats realize that they're a whisker away from losing their servants to science and enlightenment. With desks being set up they way they are, with sliding keyboard trays, we as a species, now have ways to keep cats from preventing us from writing. Upright monitors keep the cats from preventing us from reading. Realizing that they could no longer hold back mankind's thirst for knowledge physically, the cats have begun to learn our language so that they may employ other means to keep us from growing mentally and advancing scientifically.

Sure, we may laugh at them, but every LOLcat laughed at is a LOLcat who kept you from studying, from experimenting, from expanding the scope of human knowledge.

You have been informed.

The Key Is To Believe

Ladies and Gentlemen, everything you know is wrong, including this. Therefore, the secret to being right is to believe without any empirical evidence.

You have been informed.

10) Asimov Approved Wil

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're so close to the end of the list that I can taste it. Only two more to go, so let's get this penultimate truth explained, shall we?

10) Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!

First, for those who don't know the Three Laws of Robotics, they are as follows:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I'm not saying Wil is a robot with a positronic brain. That would be ridiculous. He's as human as you or I. Even so, he subscribes to said rules above, only replace a robot with Wil Wheaton. Thus, Wil Wheaton practices non-violence (Law One), Charity and Service (Law Two), and not being stupid (Law Three).

I can hear you readers now throwing in your refutations. "But Mr. Truth, didn't Wil beat the bajibblies out of five people at once in that AADA he set up?" Well, here's a little No-Prize for me. His becoming Three Laws Safe actually happened as a result of this. He was in shock at the ease in which he a) planned to even truly get involved in a sport where the aim was to kill others, and b) the ease with which he had single-handedly defeated all five competitors. He was a man of dangerous power. If his hands fell into the wrong hands, no hands would be safe. Some time there after, not long, but some, he was reading his favorite bbs and saw a discussion of Asimov's works. A group of devoted followers of Asimov started the "Techno-Buddhist" movement, which, while being big and complex and metaphorical and New-Agey, essentially boiled down to Asimov's Three Laws. Wil, being the big sci-fi geek that he was, adopted this new philosophy of life and behavior which would keep him, and more importantly others, safe.

You have been informed.