The Truth Is...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I couldn't resist. I had a little April Fools fun with you yesterday. I'm sorry to betray your trust, but I figured you'd probably get the joke anyway. Clearly what I said about Oprah was a joke. She doesn't eat cereal and coffee for breakfast. She dines on the crushed souls of emasculated men.

But she really is building a rocket. Oh yes. She really is building a rocket.

You have been informed.

Tiny Brains, My Foot!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey

Ladies and Gentlemen, for a year or so, my fiancee lived in Chicago and I would visit her regularly. While there, I observed Oprah in her natural habitat to learn more information about my secret arch-nemesis (next to Oliver Cromwell, but he's only a recent edition to the nemesis list, and Oprah is first on the list anyway. But I digress.) In the past, I posted about Oprah's motives, her plans, her plots, her schemes. Today, I'll be sharing ten unknown facts about her morphology and physiology, so that should you ever find yourself in one-on-one combat or held captive by the Queen of Talk, you'll better know what you can and cannot do to escape.

10 Unknown Facts About Oprah Winfrey:

1. Oprah Winfrey is a grazer, or cud chewer. Like the cow, she has four stomachs that allow her cud to ruminate.
2. Oprah Winfrey is a highly vocal creature. Long ago (yes, she is centuries old), scientists and sailors nicknamed her the "Sea Canary" due to the birdlike sounds they observed her making far out at sea.
3. Oprah Winfrey usually travels alone, marking her territory with urine, droppings, and scratch marks to warn off trespassers and other predators.
4. Oprah Winfrey has a large muscle running along her stomach which pulls her body into a tight, spikey ball for defense.
5. Oprah Winfrey is known to roost in bare trees, lofts, and caves.
6. Oprah Winfrey has a very unusual symbiotic relationship with algae. She has specialized hair that encourages algae growth, which aids in camouflaging the celebrity. It is also believed that Oprah will eat some of the algae and, interestingly, will absorb some of the nutrients from the algae through her skin.
7. Oprah Winfrey is perfectly designed for tree-dwelling life. Her hands have a large gap between the first and second finger and her big toe is set at a wide angle to the foot. This gives Oprah a vicelike grip on branches.
8. When chased, Oprah Winfrey can run up to 48 kmph (29 mph)! I learned this fact the hard way.
9. Oprah Winfrey has poor vision, but excellent senses of smell and hearing.
10. Oprah Winfrey is able to climb on steep rock surfaces because of physical adaptations on her feet. She is capable of retracting up the center portion of her feet into a concave dome, which creates a vacuum-like suction to solid surfaces and aides in her climbing ability.

What all of this tells us is that Oprah is highly mobile, being able to run quickly, swim long distances, and climb almost anything. The climbing, I suspect, is used to literally get the drop on her opponents. Coupled with her spikey ball ability, I suspect she likes to climb up trees and then drop down in ball form and stab her pray. Her four stomachs mean that when she's full she can go for extended periods of time without eating, so laying siege to her lair may not be an effective offense, and waiting for her to eat to escape from her clutches may not be a solid plan either. She eats primarily plants, which means her predatory acts, such as the ball drop, simply feed her need to hunt, and not her belly. This means if you do find yourself as her prey, your best bet is to distract her so that she'll lose interest. Also, if you must take her on, do so during the day. She isn't any weaker during the day, but you are at a disadvantage at night.

You have been informed.

Oprah's First Move

Ladies and Gentlemen, just to keep you informed on the actions of Oprah Winfrey and the progress of her universal domination plan, I am sharing some news I discovered. While going out to eat with my fiancee and her mother, I overheard an advertisement for an upcoming episode of Oprah (or maybe it was for her Oprah and Friends show on XM). She said it was important that we all watch said episode together. She said she'd be introducing some very important people. She said the episode would have three hundred "of the most beautiful youths" on it to help launch her "O Ambassador Program." This can only mean one thing. The attack is coming soon.

Let's examine each of her three statements.

1. We should all watch the episode together. This means one of two things. First, the episode will contain some subliminal mind control, and if we don't watch it together, those who missed it the first go-round will see what has happened to those who did see it and will be able to form an armed underground rebellion. If we all watch it at once, we can provide no resistance. The other possibility is that she is going to give the secret order to launch her CoO Coup and anyone who misses the episode could cause the elements of her battle plan to not fall exactly into place the way she needs them too. After all, if one person's job is to detonate a bridge to prevent government military reinforcements to the Federal Resistance, it's important that that job gets done as soon as possible, preferably before the assault. At least, it's preferable if you're on Oprah's side.
2. She had some very important people. These could be leaders of her Fabulous Revolution or if my suspicions are correct, aliens, which means she plans to start the Quilting Camps soon. Why do I suspect aliens, you may ask.
3. She has three hundred "beautiful youths" for her "O Ambassador Program." Three hundred is a lot. Where could these kids possibly be sent as ambassadors> The stars, that's where. And why must they be beautiful> Because she's trying to create a master race of humanity in the stars composed of nothing but beautiful people. She's planning on using selective human breeding to make a "pure strain" of humanity. Tsk tsk, Oprah. Further, she's using youths because the human race has yet to discover FTL (Faster Than Light) propulsion systems. As such, any trip to neighboring planetary systems will take a long time. Adults won't survive the trip, but children might. She's planning on creating a master race of ubermen (and women) in the stars, ubermen (and women) who will bring with them their diseased blankets, wiping clean the face of three hundred worlds and creating outposts for the new superhuman empire of O.

Oh Oprah. You must be stopped.

You have been informed.

Women Love Men Who Lose

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. It was very busy, and by the time I was done doing all I needed to do, I was exhausted and my fiancee was angry with me, so I could not post. I did, at least, learn something valuable.

Women love men who lose.

Yes, I know that's the subject of the post, but I figured it was important enough to bear repeating. Last night, my fiancee and I and another couple were playing a game of Descent (with the Road to Legend expansion for those who care) and they decided it would be a good idea to take on a certain major bad guy and his minions that I control. I cautioned them. All day, I had been telling them, "If you do this now, you guys will lose, and here is how it will happen." I showed them his stats. I showed them the stats of the minions he would have. I emphasized that they weren't ready to take him on yet. The male in the party who was on the heroes' side convinced the two women playing (his girlfriend and my fiancee) that they should take him on. So take him on they did. And they all died really horribly. In exactly the way I said it would happen. And everyone hated me and no one blamed the guy who said they should do it.

What this tells me is that women love men who lose. (See? There it is again.) After all, after a guy gets beat up by a bully, who gets the attention? The victim. Who gets the cold shoulder? The winner. After a tough game of (insert sport here), sure afterward, women may be excited when their men win, but they are affectionate and caring when the guy loses. When I play a game of Settlers of Catan and I win, who gets the cold shoulder? I do. And who is she suddenly chummy with as they complain about me? Whoever lost.

There are many possible explanations. Perhaps losers appeal to the genetically hardwired nurturing caregiver role. Perhaps it's a result of the Feminist movement, in which winning gives women a sense of smug superiority and men who win challenge their faith in equality. I don't think this is the case. After all, they lost as well last night, so they wouldn't have that sense of superiority over the losing man. I suspect women are planning a coup and things like this are all shadowy information gathering practices. When a man loses, they say kind words like, "It's ok if you lose. It happens to everyone." Then they report back to their secret female headquarters and inform their leader that one more male has been neutralized. He was found not to be a threat to the cause and was made less dangerous by being convinced that when the time comes, it's ok to be defeated by women so he won't try as hard. And when men win against them, women get angry, they give cold shoulders and otherwise make things unpleasant so that the winning men begin to think that perhaps life would be easier if they allowed their girlfriends to win. Another threat neutralized.

And who is this leader? Gloria Steinem, the American feminist icon? Hardly. The real leader of the revolution is someone almost every woman on the planet looks up to, turns to for advice, and otherwise lets dictate their lives and opinions. I'm talking about Oprah Winfrey. She has her daily propaganda hour for the Cult of Oprah (or CoO). Don't think we don't know your book club is really all about subversive literature with subliminal messages and secret codes. Why did everyone in your audience get a car that day? Blitzkrieg, baby. You needed your army mobile and figured any man in your audience was already on your side. You teach men that it's okay to deny our instincts and not fight when we feel threatened so that when the OLA (Oprah Liberation Army) rolls through, we'll sit idly by reading The Color Purple, drinking our chamomille tea, and talking about our feelings. We'll be unable to react to your CoO Coup ways.

Oprah's plans don't end there though. Once Overlord Oprah has proclaimed herself Dictator for Life, she'll ship men off to sensitivity camps where we'll stitch blankets for sixteen hours a day while watching Thelma and Louis and How Stella Got Her Groove Back. It seems innocent enough I suppose. Not pleasant, but at least not physically dangerous. But the plot spreads even wider, for she broadcasts her show via uninhibited VHF airwaves. That's why she isn't on cable tv. It limits her audience. It only goes where the hardwired cable goes. If she broadcasts on a non-premium  analog-and-antenna network, the signal for her show goes everywhere. Even into space. Aliens get her show. Suddenly, femaliens tell maliens to take their feet off the coffee table because it's not an ottoman. Intergalactic workshops all across the galaxy are turned into intergalactic crafts and scrapbooking rooms. Now, extra-terrestrial cultures are no longer technologically or psychologically prepared for an Oprah attack. They'll just want to cuddle up with each other and share their hopes and dreams. And what will they cuddle up under? Blankets. Blankets made by Earth males.

Flash back to Earth. The men in the Quilting Camps will be watching sad movies ALL. DAY. LONG. That's a lot of tears, and more importantly, a lot of sniffling. So at the end of Beaches when she sings "Wind Beneath My Wings," the men will need someplace to blow their noses from all of the sad, sad sniffling. Our blankets are now filled with disease. Oprah then takes these diseased blankets into space and gives them to the (now) peaceful aliens who just want to cuddle and snuggle. They get sick. They get weak. They get taken over by Oprah, intergalactic reinventor of the colonists' conqueror's oldest trick.

Oprah wants to be Queen of the Universe.

And that's why women love men who lose.

You have been informed.