New and Nostalgia

Ladies and Gentlemen, we all know CNN strives to bring us the newest of news, but the problem is that few people trust the media anymore. Perhaps its the biases or, as I've pointed out so many times in the past, that they miss the real story (Come on, CNN. No mention of the giant bug people at all when you covered the shoe thrower...). In an effort to curb this distrust, CNN has hired someone to make the network feel friendly and believable again. They've hired your college roommate.



In a segment I like to call "Jarrett Surfs Youtube," Jarrett Bellini shares popular videos from the internet. In an unbuttoned, untucked shirt and slacker goatee. I feel at home when I watch this segment. It takes me back to my college days when I would be trying to do some homework, something important and serious, and my disheveled roommate would barge in and say, "Dude, you gotta check out this video I just found on youtube." Then he would spend two minutes painfully explaining what makes the thirty second clip he's about to show you funny, which kills all the funny. Afterward, he beats humor's corpse by telling you what you just saw and again, why he thinks it's funny. And before you can blink, he's spending another five minutes prefacing another kinda lame thirty second clip.

Oh CNN, thank you for bringing me back to those golden days of yore. The nostalgic twinge I feel every time Jarrett comes barging into my news broadcast saying, "Dude, you gotta check this out! It's a video of a homeless guy peeing himself" will keep me coming back to your station time and again. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go put on a flannel and go play hackey sack while bemoaning everything that's wrong with the world. Maybe afterward, I'll curl up with a nice blanket, use this massive amount of fluff as a pillow, and dream about begging for extensions on a paper I had all semester to do.

You have been informed.

Tiny Brains, My Foot!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be a quick one because, honestly, you'll enjoy looking at the evidence more than hearing me going on and on about it. So here's your truth:

Dinosaurs didn't die out. On top of that, their brains evolved. They are no longer the creatures of pure hunger, rage, and instinct. Rather, they are fond of standing around and having deep discussions of philosophical, literary, and scientific natures. You can see the proof here.

Also, I hear rumor that Oprah Winfrey, my living nemesis, was looking over schematics for rockets--rockets that we all know have to do with her plans for intergalactic domination--while having her morning breakfast of cereal and coffee.

You have been informed.

Today I Learn I'm Stupid

Ladies and Gentlemen, I used to think that I had a decent understanding of quality. Today, however, I learned that this cannot be the case. I watched Repo! A Genetic Opera and found it awful. Oh sure, the concept was neat. Financed designer organs being repossessed. It had Anthony Stewart Head of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame. On top of that, this slasher movie starred Sarah Brightman, which totally makes up for the fact that it also stars Paris Hilton. And seriously, who can resist the lure of a musical slasher movie> So I watched it. And I found the acting terrible, the music and lyrics trite and cliche. The plot, too, was, well, bad. It was, in fact, almost completely worthless as a film, especially knowing it was based on a play. 

As I researched this film, however, I learned that I was completely wrong in my judgement. Apparently, this movie is brilliant and is so much better than "all of the 'wannabe' good movies" that Hollywood deems masterpieces. It's crazy how I missed the talent so many other people saw. I thought the lyrics were dull and repetitive and the singing mostly awful (except for Mrs. Brightman, who did the best with what she had), but I must have been mistaken. The songs were clearly "catchy" and the lyrics "deep and beautiful," and I must not have been paying attention well enough. I also missed the part where "Paris Hilton does NOT suck." How did I manage to miss so much quality. I only left the room once for yogurt. Can it be that all of the amazing stuff happened in the forty-five seconds I was out of the room, or perhaps I simply wasn't open enough to the rich subtext of the highly repetitive, uninspired lyrics.

I was not blown away by it, but I can only assume that means that I'm just an "average Joe," one of the "dumb masses" who lacks the mental sophistication to ever "understand something like this," something with "a 'little' more depth" than close-minded people like me can grasp. I guess it's my fault. I must not have been intelligent enough to understand this "gothic MASTERPIECE!" the way the guy on the internet with no concept of appropriate capitalization or run-on sentences did, or I would have enjoyed it, "guarantied."

I apologize for dwelling so heavily on my short-comings today. It's always hard when you find out from the brilliant movie critics of the internet that you're an idiot.

You have been informed.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Happy Thank the Native Americans for Sharing Their Food so the Pilgrims Wouldn't Die Day!

Ordinarily, on this day, I make a post saying I'm thankful for my friends and family and freedoms and education and stuff, but that's an every year thing, and I think by this point, it goes without saying. Likewise, I've already shared ten facts about this holiday, so further illuminating you on the subject would only give me less to say next year. So today, I'm going to express gratitude for the more unlikely things in my life that helped me get here.

Thank you, Pen-and-Paper RPGs, for introducing me to so many friends and for helping me develop my creativity and social skills growing up.

Thank you, Theatre for letting me be someone else for a while and for introducing me to my fiancee.

Thank you, Calvin and Hobbes, for telling me as I was growing up that it's ok to be smart and a little different.

Thank you, Good Books, for finally breaking me of the habit of literally walking around crying as a small child saying, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do!"

Thank you, Internet, for making it easy to keep in touch with old friends, learn more about new things, and watch amusing videos like this.

Thank you, Movie Theater Job, for giving me so much time to design board games on the clock when business was slow.

Thank you, Readers, for giving me a reason to keep researching.

I think that'll about do it for now. I have cooking to pretend to help with. Now go out, be thankful, eat food, spend time with your family and friends, andget to bed early in a combination of tryptophan overdose and getting ready for the Black Friday sales tomorrow. (except for readers abroad. I'm sorry. I don't think you guys have Black Friday sales tomorrow unless you shop from online American retailers.)

Happy Holidays.

You have been thanked.