Prayers Do Come True

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know I've been away for a long time. Work devours my time like a lion devours wildebeests, birthday boys devour cake, and Oprah devours small children.* However, lately, work has been giving me anxiety attacks and gastritis, which is kinda like baby ulcers that one day grow up to be real ulcers. So what do I do? I panic. I freak out. I talk to myself. And then, like Big Oprah, I turn to a higher power and ask for help. And do you know what He does? He helps me.

Oh yes, on Sunday night, I was having awful anxiety. I was stressed beyond all reason, chanting to myself to keep myself doing lesson plans. And I begged the universe for something to happen to keep me from having to go in and take that abuse from 7:30 to 4:30. Do you know what the universe did? You do if you read ahead. If you didn't, however, I'll go ahead and tell you and let you in on what the other readers have already looked at.

The universe, kind and loving, gave me debilitating, stress-induced stomach pains. I woke in so much glorious pain. I couldn't help but smile as I slumped my way to the phone. "Thank you, universe, for making it hurt so much!" And I called in. And no sooner did I call in then all that stress related pain started to fade away. A little. But the universe, kind and loving as it is, continued to keep my best interests at heart. That cold front last week that promised to close schools for snow but fell through? It came back and froze pipes all over the city, busting water mains, sending water gushing into the streets, water that would turn to ice in those freezing predawn temperatures. Schools closed early Monday and are still closed today.

Thank you, All Mighty Power. You've given me a gift. You gave me awful stomach pains, that I would not have to deal with emotional pains. You took out an entire city's water supply and made the roads slick and dangerous so that I wouldn't have to go to work today. You gave me time off from work that I wouldn't need to spend a sick day on. AMP, I know you care about me because you're willing to put everyone else in danger with those icy roads and boil water notices all so I can avoid being disrespected by a handful of children for eight to nine hours. That's the nicest, sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

I could do something nice for you, AMP, but I've decided instead to pay it forward and do nice things for others. I was thinking this morning about how maligned air conditioners are sometimes. During the summers, the toil ceaselessly to keep a home at a cozy sixty-five degrees when it's thirty degrees or more hotter outside. But when those same people you keep cool overburden an electrical outlet and accidentally set the house on fire through negligent abuse of electricity, do they ever stop and say, "Hey, that poor, hard-working air conditioner is killing itself trying to keep us cool. I should turn it off before I leave this burning building so its last moments of mechanical life aren't spent killing itself trying to keep a five hundred degree inferno a cozy sixty-five degrees." No, it's all "family albums" this, and "get the pets and children" that. But not me. I'm paying it forward, AC. I'm going to shut you off when one of my many overburdened electrical sockets catches fire. Because I'm a nice guy like that.

You have been informed.

*Seriously. With her weight fluctuations, when her weight is up, she's all about self control and self-improvement, but when she's down, she's always hanging around some kids who need help. Who's to say she isn't eating one or two of those poor starving children every time she builds a school in a third world nation? Next thing you know, she's Big Oprah again and it's all about loving yourself for who you are and changing yourself into who you want to be.

Better PR for the Righteous

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the more important you are, the worse your PR agent is. Paris Hilton can't catch a cold without being all over the papers and CNN and everything else under the sun. Obscene coverage. She contributes nothing to society. Obama makes appearances on numerous TV shows and is constantly giving speeches. It doesn't get the airplay Paris gets, but he still gets a lot of press and gets booked a lot of appearances. He leads one nation. Leader of the U.N.? You probably don't even know his name. I didn't I just googled it. It's Ban Ki-moon. Shows up in the news maybe once a month, and never on any TV shows. At least he still has a presence on the web and in the papers.

But what about the creator of our universe and His important friends? They never get mentioned in the news anymore. No interviews on the internet. The only bookings they seem to get are appearances on grilled cheese sandwiches, jar lids, cabinet doors, and dental x-rays. They never even get any speaking apperaances. Just a "smile for the masses" gig. It's sad, really. Once upon a time, you could book Jesus for a personal appearance with speeches and everything, even after he was dead. Now that's what I call a good publicist.

Perhaps it's simply a matter of time. Two thousand years ago, four thousand years ago, God was everywhere. He could be seen at dinners, at sacrifices, heard on mountains. These days, not so much. Perhaps when He lost His fire and brimstone during the New Testament days, He also lost His will to fire people who let Him down. How many times did He personally literally fire entire cities that displeased Him? I don't know. I haven't counted. But I'm sure it's more than two. How many times has He done so since? Probably less than two. Maybe He has simply lost the youthful determination to smite those who didn't get the job done His way, plauge at 4:30, hot latte, one sugar at exactly 4:45. Perhaps now he's the friendly boss who loves His employees too much to let them go just because they aren't very good at their jobs. He doesn't seem to even be giving many write-ups or councelling notices anymore.

Or perhaps He's calmed with age, rather than lost the heart to make people have it His way. Many celebrities are all over the news and the tabloids when they're young. Paparazzi are always getting shots of them at the club and on the streets. They make public appearances for anything. They get any gigs they want. They throw tantrums at poor production assitants when the coffee isn't hot enough or their cars waxed enough. Then, once they really acclimate to the fame, they step out of the spotlight. They realize that the fame is there. They don't have to be in the tabloids every week or people will forget about them. They can step back and enjoy what they have without being showy about it.

Perhaps it was the same with God. Once upon a time when the world was new, He was rolling in the success of His latest hit, Earth, and He felt the need to let everyone know that He made it. It was His project, and He was a big star. "I don't like the way these Philistines are acting up. Could someone please remove them from the set? thank you." Then He had a kid and realized that He needed to settle down. Stop flexing his stardom just because He could. He stepped out of the limelight. He didn't need the press anymore. He knew His fame was secured. He knew He would always have that loyal devoted group of fans, and He didn't need to take every gig offered to stay in the public eye.

Even so. If You're listening up there, can I make a suggestion? I know you don't really need the press much anymore, and you really like your agent and you don't want to fire her, but can't you at least make her sit through a weekend PR training seminar or something? Surely she can get you better gigs than a dog's anus. Have a little self-respect.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum

Ladies and Gentlemen, catch-up continues. We've missed two Ten Facts Tuesdays, so here's your second Ten Facts list to make up for it.

This time, we'll focus our exploratory light on Jeff Goldblum. He acts a lot. He used to sell Macs. He is my almost sister-in-law's not so secret celebrity crush. We all know who he is. Here's a little you probably didn't know about him.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum:

1. Jeff Goldblum actually has two stomachs so that even his digestive system can keep kosher.
2. Jeff Goldblum is, according to classified government documents, America's first line of defense against extra-terrestrials.
3. Jeff Goldblum is immune to the germs that cause the gum disease Gingivitis. Hence, he does not need Listerine.
4. Jeff Goldblum has catlike balance, and as such, always lands on his feet unless you drop him many times upside down and then drop him right side up, at which point, habit and expectation will cause him to fall awkwardly just like the rest of us.
5. Jeff Goldblum can make the tastiest pork chops you've ever had in your life. He won't, because he's orthodox Jewish, but he could if he wanted to.
6. Jeff Goldblum likes Lucy a lot and respects her, and he would like it if they could still be friends, but he just doesn't love Lucy anymore.
7. Jeff Goldblum trains every day for the zombie apocalypse.
8. Jeff Goldblum is the modern day incarnation of Spring Heeled Jack.
9. Jeff Goldblum isn't allergic to dogs, but he is allergic to the word dog, often leading to confusion on the subject.
10. Jeff Goldblum has an XBox live achievement named after him called Jeff Goldblum, which so far, only he has earned. The requirements needed to earn are that the person must score 10,000 points for a single trick on Tony Hawk's Underground and be Jeff Goldblum.

You have been informed.

Kidnappers for Jesus

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems I'm constantly missing two and three days at a time. This time I've been working ten to twelve hour days and slipping into a NyQuil coma as soon as I get in thanks to this cold or flu or whatever it is that's been getting me down lately. I've been meaning to share something for the past few days and could never stay awake long enough to write it down.

Christian church groups, particularly "non-denominational" groups are abducting children in broad daylight. I know this may come as a shock. It shocked me, but the more I looked at the evidence, the more obvious it became. As children, I believe we were all raised by our parents to follow two simple rules to ensure our safety.

1. NEVER get into a stranger's car.
2. NEVER take candy from a stranger.

I cannot speak for your childhood, but I know when I was growing up here in the Bible Belt, there were things called Church Buses. They were typically old school buses that had been painted blue and white (they were always white with blue trim, and I don't know why). They would randomly drive through the neighborhoods taking people to church, stopping every random person they saw asking if they wanted to climb aboard and go to church. I did not know these people. I did not attend their church. Still, every week, especially during summer, they would drive down my street, see me playing in my front yard, and try to get me to go to church with them.

How would they try to convince me to climb onto this stranger's big scary bus? Candy. "Hey kid, you wanna climb on my bus and go to church with us? We've got candy!" Clearly, religious groups were trying to kidnap me when I was a child. If only I knew why. It couldn't possibly have been for ransom money. My parents were poor beyond poor. I am almost certain as a child we lived below the poverty line. Why would they do it? Why would they want to kidnap me?

My suspicion, of course, is that they were preparing for the end times, you know, the ones described in the bible where the dead rise up and there are dragons and the like. I assume that these kidnappers for Christ were attempting to raise an army of holy avengers for the coming Armageddon. Naturally they would watch to raise their warriors from childhood. After all, if Star Wars has taught us nothing else, it is that unless you train your warriors from early childhood, they'll grow up to be whiny upstarts who kill everyone and give bland "pretty boy" acting performances.

But then, I never got on that bus, so this is all conjecture.

Did anyone else have this experience during childhood? Can anyone confirm these holy warrior theories?

You have been informed.

Soul Sucking Job

Ladies and Gentlemen, my place of employment is, I believe, run by the devil. Every day I feel less and less like a person when I report for work, and the soul is what makes you you. Therefore, my job must be sucking out my soul. That's why I didn't post yesterday. After work, I was barely able to remember who I was and what my mission is: to bring truth to the world. Today, too, left me a nigh soulless husk of flesh. But one back massage later and I'm here to report that, just like your parents told you growing up, Satan really does want to subvert the truth. I can attest to that personally. I feel totally subverted.

You have been informed. 

Amber Alerts and Your Food

Ladies and Gentlemen, everyone knows that, aside from telling you how nutritious your tasty, creamy glass of cold milk is, the sides of milk cartons help locate missing children. Today I discovered that some milk cartons will actually go out there and seek those missing kids out.

Such foodstuff innovation should be applauded. After all, it's not every day a dairy product does something to help people. Previous smiling dairymen Milk and Cheese have, in fact, done a great deal to promote lactose intolerance via their transcontinental sprees of violence and degradation. The creators of this newer, friendlier milk should be proud. They should receive medals or a guest spot on America's Most Wanted. But if you'll pay close attention, you'll notice the milk is generic. No one claims ownership to him. He's his own person, and that's great. It shows Milky possesses personal initiative. He's into strawberry milk, so he's a little liberal, but that's okay, I guess. The Cold War is over, so it isn't as bad to like a pinko commie carton o' moo juice. 

Still, why the anonymity> That milk is doing good service. Perhaps it just wants to do a good deed without the reward, like a true philanthropist and humanitarian. Surely from how uneasy he is on the streets, he's not a criminal. Or is he> I believe that the milk in question went bad in its youth, but was taken in by the family and given a chance to be a wholesome, productive, and all around nice guy. As such, when he sees the family's young son turn to the streets and the rock and roll music, he sought to save the boy from a similar fate. The milk saved the boy because he was seeking redemption. And it killed him. The boy killed him for bringing him back home. Again, appearances are deceptive. The boy wasn't behaving cruelly or ungratefully. He was releasing the milk. It suffered under the weight of its past sins from its former life. His charitable act allowed him to die in peace and earn his salvation (and score a dead girlfriend to boot!). Milk cartons with faces on the side, then, are not informing you of missing kids for your benefit. The picture is there to allow milk to atone from its crimes.

If you see a missing child on a milk carton, the lesson here is pay it no mind. If you leave the carton alone, it will find the kid for you and save its soul in the process. You wouldn't want to keep a poor sweet carton of milk out of heaven, would you>

You have been informed.

Are You One of the Chosen?

Ladies and Gentlemen, some time after Martin Luther, for lack of a Comments box, nailed a few complaints (ninety-five to be exact) to a door, and the Protestants used the Protestant Reformation to reform, a guy named John Calvin (for whom my favorite comic strip character is named) decided that only so many people were getting into heaven and those who were going to Heaven were already chosen. It was an idea called predestination. Essentially (to oversimplify a complex religious concept) that it doesn't matter what you do, God has already decided before the world even was who would be allowed through those Pearly Gates. Now, sure, that should take some of the burden off of people's minds. After all, fretting about it clearly won't change God's mind. However, there were those who just absolutely had to know if their name was on His Almighty Guest List before trying to show up to the party. The idea was that you could tell who was saved based on how successful they were mortally (again, to draw an oversimplification). After all, why would God allow someone he didn't like to have a highly lucrative business and someone he loved to be poor? So, material wealth and status were taken to be signs that God clearly approved of someone.

Now, what does this history/theocracy lesson have to do with us?

Today, I met hundreds of God's chosen. My place of employment is hosting a poker tournament and a lot of affluent individuals were present. I suspect these people were Chosen because not only were they financially successful, they got to do things like put their cigarettes out on the walls and flick their ashes on the floor when an ash tray is literally six inches away from them. They get to spit and swear and otherwise be socially unacceptable and we bend over backwards to cater to their every whim. The can toss trash onto the floor with their right hand when an identical action with the left would have put it in a trash can. They can squash their cigarettes out on the carpet. They can even chain smoke to the point of having asthmatic coworkers needing paramedics to give them oxygen. Now if that doesn't say, "There must be something really special about me for me to behave like this and not get in any trouble," nothing does.

It was kind of awe-inspiring being in the presence of so many people whose places in Heaven are clearly assured. I suspect, given my endless string of financial difficulties, that I am not on the Holy Guest List. I guess I'm ok with that. God seems to really like selfish jerks anyway, and I can live without spending eternity around them.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Cylons

Ladies and Gentlemen, the final season of Battlestar Galactica is almost upon us and the whole internet (and by whole internet, I mean the geeky parts), are abuzz speculating on who the final Cylon could be. I'm not one to give spoilers, but I will give you some hints to help you identify Cylons when you see them in today's 

10 Unknown Facts About Cylons:

1. Cylons are mildly allergic to pineapple.
2. Cylons often misspell the word conspicuous, forgetting the first "u."
3. Cylons think the best barbeque comes from Sagittaron, when everyone knows that they put too much sauce on and don't smoke the meat for long enough like they do on Aquaria. Now that is good barbeque.
4. This doesn't apply to all Cylons, mind you, but most can be identified on sight, as they look like huge metal men with gun arms. For some reason, though, people are more concerned with finding the ones who aren't always heavily armed.
5. Cylons are seven times more likely to be dog people than cat people.
6. Cylons think that Anders was too defensive when he played pyramid for the Panthers.
7. If an attractive woman wants to spend time with you in the bedroom, chances are she's a Cylon. If you're not sure, look for the glowing red back.
8. Cylons are monotheistic, this is true. But contrary to popular belief, they are Pastafarians.
9. Cylons may dress nice, but their clothes are actually sweatshop knockoffs of designer house brands, because the clothes are cheap and they don't care about human children.
10. Cylons don't know it's not bacon.

Hopefully, this will help you find out who the final Cylon is before your friends so you can brag around the water cooler with a big fat "I told you so."*

You have been informed.

*Editor's note: Big Fat I-Told-You-Sos statistically tend to positively correlate with the likelihood of eating alone. You have been informed again.

Why Your Mom Might Be A Satanist

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember when we were young and our parents warned us about the evil influences of Satan and his Satanic cults with their rock music and their Dungeons and Dragons and their Three's Company reruns> It seems Satan has other ways of reaching your immortal soul. What, you may ask, is he using now> I'll give you a hint. Your mom literally forced Satan's influence down your throat as a kid.

I'm talking about vegetables. 

Growing up we had visions of Satanic cults sacrificing goats and wearing cool hoods. Not the case. If we look to the Bible, where at least thirty-seven percent of what we know about Satan comes from (thanks Hollywood, Salman Rushdie, and sensationalist depictions in Morality Plays), we learn that those who follow Satan can be identified by the foods they associate themselves with. If you remember, the first sin, the one the great serpent convinced Eve to commit, was eating fruit. Why did Cain kill Abel> He was jealous. Because God accepted Abel's animal sacrifice and frowned on Cain's offering. Of veggies. That's right. Cain, the first murderer, raised crops, not livestock. Need more proof> Go down the vegetarian food section of your supermarket. Don't have one> Don't feel bad. Neither do. But look near the burgers. You'll find vegan alternatives. "Where's the evil in that>" you ask. Let me shine some light into those eyes. The brand name of this evil, but tasty concoction of beany goodness just so happens to be (are you ready for it> Can I get a drum roll>) Morningstar, which just so happens to be the meaning of Satan's name Lucifer. Looks like Satan is planning a beef-free barbeque, with hot coals for burgers and souls.

I always knew preachy vegans were annoying. I never knew they were in league with the dark lord of the abyss. But they'll get their comeuppance in the end. After all, eternal flames are better for making perfectly grilled medium rare steaks than growing a refreshing salad.

You have been informed.