See what happens when you step away for a week or two?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my extended absence, but the wedding is finally over. I finally have a little time to post. Before I move. Next week. Sigh...

But oh dear heavens what has happened in my absence? I step away from researching for a couple of weeks and suddenly it's nothing but news news news. I haven't had time to research, but I can posit a few theories behind each event.

The most common news element? Celebrity deaths.

Since my last post, we've lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
My guess: VH1 is filming the next season of the Surreal Life in the afterlife.

There was a military coup in Honduras. Former president forbidden to return. Former president vows to return some time around Saturday.
My guess: President forgot to help with the dishes. The Military felt unappreciated, because the President didn't even say thank you after the Military did all of the dishes. They argue. The President brought up something that the Military did early in their relationship when they were having a break that he swore long ago he'd forgiven her for and he'd never bring up again. The Military started crying, called him an insensitive jerk, slapped him, and told him to leave the apartment and never come back. The President has been sleeping on his buddy's couch, vowing to go back "after the Military has had a little time to cool off." The Military has been on the phone with its mother, and has filed a restraining order against the President.

A place crashes, and only one woman survives.
My Guess: Really? We've all seen Unbreakable. I think we all know what her story is.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to go sign a lease now for an apartment about 150 miles away from here. Then the packing starts.

You have been informed.

Better PR for the Righteous

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems the more important you are, the worse your PR agent is. Paris Hilton can't catch a cold without being all over the papers and CNN and everything else under the sun. Obscene coverage. She contributes nothing to society. Obama makes appearances on numerous TV shows and is constantly giving speeches. It doesn't get the airplay Paris gets, but he still gets a lot of press and gets booked a lot of appearances. He leads one nation. Leader of the U.N.? You probably don't even know his name. I didn't I just googled it. It's Ban Ki-moon. Shows up in the news maybe once a month, and never on any TV shows. At least he still has a presence on the web and in the papers.

But what about the creator of our universe and His important friends? They never get mentioned in the news anymore. No interviews on the internet. The only bookings they seem to get are appearances on grilled cheese sandwiches, jar lids, cabinet doors, and dental x-rays. They never even get any speaking apperaances. Just a "smile for the masses" gig. It's sad, really. Once upon a time, you could book Jesus for a personal appearance with speeches and everything, even after he was dead. Now that's what I call a good publicist.

Perhaps it's simply a matter of time. Two thousand years ago, four thousand years ago, God was everywhere. He could be seen at dinners, at sacrifices, heard on mountains. These days, not so much. Perhaps when He lost His fire and brimstone during the New Testament days, He also lost His will to fire people who let Him down. How many times did He personally literally fire entire cities that displeased Him? I don't know. I haven't counted. But I'm sure it's more than two. How many times has He done so since? Probably less than two. Maybe He has simply lost the youthful determination to smite those who didn't get the job done His way, plauge at 4:30, hot latte, one sugar at exactly 4:45. Perhaps now he's the friendly boss who loves His employees too much to let them go just because they aren't very good at their jobs. He doesn't seem to even be giving many write-ups or councelling notices anymore.

Or perhaps He's calmed with age, rather than lost the heart to make people have it His way. Many celebrities are all over the news and the tabloids when they're young. Paparazzi are always getting shots of them at the club and on the streets. They make public appearances for anything. They get any gigs they want. They throw tantrums at poor production assitants when the coffee isn't hot enough or their cars waxed enough. Then, once they really acclimate to the fame, they step out of the spotlight. They realize that the fame is there. They don't have to be in the tabloids every week or people will forget about them. They can step back and enjoy what they have without being showy about it.

Perhaps it was the same with God. Once upon a time when the world was new, He was rolling in the success of His latest hit, Earth, and He felt the need to let everyone know that He made it. It was His project, and He was a big star. "I don't like the way these Philistines are acting up. Could someone please remove them from the set? thank you." Then He had a kid and realized that He needed to settle down. Stop flexing his stardom just because He could. He stepped out of the limelight. He didn't need the press anymore. He knew His fame was secured. He knew He would always have that loyal devoted group of fans, and He didn't need to take every gig offered to stay in the public eye.

Even so. If You're listening up there, can I make a suggestion? I know you don't really need the press much anymore, and you really like your agent and you don't want to fire her, but can't you at least make her sit through a weekend PR training seminar or something? Surely she can get you better gigs than a dog's anus. Have a little self-respect.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson

Ladies and Gentlemen, wow what a hiatus that I didn't mean to take. The day of my last post two weeks ago, I found out Dave Arneson, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons died, and I wanted to do a tribute that wasn't just a ten unknown facts list. I couldn't think of anything, but I wanted that to be my next post. Time passed. I still couldn't think of anything. Then I got caught up in job interviews and wedding plans and work and writing (I've started a novel) and so many other things. So today, two weeks later, I say enough is enough. It's time I get this truth train back on track with something I didn't want to do but if I had, I'd have never derailed in the Andes in the first place...

So, to start my big game of catch-up...

10 Unknown Facts about Dave Arneson:

1. Dave Arneson was once a member of Flight of the Conchords, but his fear of heights made the band's name hypothetically terrifying and he was forced to quit for anxiety reasons.
2. Dave Arneson taught John Constantine everything he knows about doing magic and making tea.
3. Dave Arneson could make eggless quiche.
4. Dave Arneson was the first Settler of Catan.
   
5. It is grammatically correct for DaVe aRNEsON to capitalize any letters in his name that he pleases.
6. Dave Arneson once genetically crossed a bee and dog so when they played fetch, if the stick accidentally landed on the roof, the dog could get it. Plus, Dog Honey is super tastey. Plus, it was just super adorable.
7. During the Cold War, Dave Arneson was on the side of Luke Warm.
8. Dave Arneson was genetically incapable of being a jerk to anyone due to a mutation in his amygdala.
   
9. Dave ARneson had an impressive chin bust collection, including busts of the chins of Jay Leno, Bruce Cambell, and Carl Sandberg--who didn't have an impressive chin himself but did write a poem about people with proud chins.
10. Dave Arneson knew the secret ending to Lost, but took the secret to his grave (believe me, I tried to get it out of him).

It's not much. I wanted to do something more, but I couldn't think of anything, so here's a list for you, Dave. Thanks for helping to provide me with some of my favorite times growing up.

You have been informed.