10 Unknown Facts About Ibn Battuta

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can see you scratching your heads right now wondering who in the world Ibn Battuta could possibly be. Born in 1304, Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta was an Islamic legal scholar specializing in Sunni law, but is most famous for getting around, and by that I mean travelling through Africa and parts of Asia, not making babies. He wrote tales of his travels, which were popular in his time and are considered mostly accurate historical sources on Africa prior to heavy European influence in the form of traders, slavers, and settlers. His stories were full of the fantastical, with hints of swashbuckling of sorts. After all, if you know your readers will probably never be able to travel to the great city of Timbuktu, you're free to say just about whatever you want about what you did there and who you met. Boy, did he claim to meet a lot of rulers. And white women. But that's another story.

And just for a bit of trivia before we kick this list off, in Arabic cultures as in European cultures, at least in the 1300s, it was common for a person's name to include a reference to one's direct lineage. Much the way Johnson meant "John's son," ibn meant "son of." Thus, when history refers to Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta, remember that historians are basically saying, "And then Battuta's kid when to Africa." Battuta must be so proud.

10 Unknown Facts About Abu Abdallah Ibn Battuta:

1. When Ibn Battuta dropped names--and he did... a lot--he always made sure to pick them up and dust them off before using them again.
2. It is rumored that Ibn Battuta was the inspiration for Henry Winkler's character Barry Zuckerkorn on Arrested Development, which may explain why Ibn Battuta was known more for traveling than lawyering.
3. Ibn Battuta owned the first Model T Ford, almostl six hundred years before Henry Ford built his automobile factory. This Model T allowed Ibn Battuta to travel the 29 years and 75,000 miles of his journeys quickly and in style.
4. After countless ships he travelled with (but no ships that he travelled on) sank during his travels, Ibn Battuta realized that he was the most bouyant thing in the universe.
5. Ibn Battuta met so many rulers that even those he really did meet doubted his tales that they'd met.
6. Ibn Battuta lived in New York before it was just regular York, and long before that uppity (newer) New York in the Americas stole its thunder. He says the coffee shops were better then, and it was easier to find a good apartment on the East side for cheap.
   
7. Scholars say that for every three powerful families Ibn Battuta claimed to have married into, there were two more imaginary families he meant to say he'd married into but never got around to telling his stenographer.
8. When travelling across the Sahara, Ibn Battuta often grew frustrated at how tired he was of the camels having to stop for water every couple of weeks, once commenting, "Why can't they suck it up and wait for water until they arrive...like I do?"
9. Ibn Battuta fought the law, and the law lost.
10. Ibn Battuta claimed to have the memory of an elephant, which he said bored him to no end. "Really, how many memories of walking the the savannah eating grass must I have?" he once wrote. "I would rather have had a lion's memory or perhaps a monkey's."

Amazing what one person could do in a life time so long ago. I have a hard enough time getting to work, and he travelled the world. Here's to you, Battuta's kid!

You have been informed.

The Return of the Barter System

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been absent for a few days. I've been insanely busy keeping an eye on those vampires. They haven't really been up to much lately. All I really learned is that any museum owned by a vampire will be attacked and/or damaged about once a month. No, the real research I've done lately is into the economy, holidays, and a possible solution to our financial woes. Let me begin.

Today is Fat Tuesday, or as we celebrate it here in the South, Mardi Gras. Down here, schools let out, banks close, parades fill the streets causing traffic to come to a grinding, screaming, dancing halt, and people party like it's the day before forty consecutive days of anti-fun. Because it is.

The most important thing to take from Mardi Gras in these times, however, is the notion of beads. They're cheap. They're plastic. They're given away for free. Even so, for a few days a year, they're practically legal tender. With beads, you can obtain beer, moon pies, nudity, and so many other things. It's a debauched barter system. But for a few days a year, it works.

My question is, if it's good enough for an entire region of the country, why can't the rest of the nation use it? It could jumpstart the economy. There may be a dollar deficit, true, but surely there must be a bead surplus. Why else would they be thrown out freely at Mardi Gras parades? Further, even though they are free to come by, you can still purchase valuable goods and services with them. It's an ideal new currency: abundantly available without risk of value deflation (at least, not until Ash Wednesday, when everything you can buy with beads becomes something to avoid for the next month and a half).

Can you imagine the financial peace of mind you'll feel when your mortgage payment comes due, and though you have no money in the bank, you know you can simply pay for your land with a bunch of beads? There's even a historical precedent for in the U.S. for buying land with beads, so it shouldn't be too difficult a system to reinstate. What could possibly go wrong?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a parade to go to, and they're throwing out free plastic money on a string.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Joe Biden

Ladies and Gentlemen, on this inauguration day for President-Elect-Soon-to-be-President Barack Obama, let us not forget that today another is being sworn in. The world has been a flurry of press coverage surrounding the first African American president of the United States. But what of his ignored running mate Joe Biden> He is, after all, the man who added the experience to the Obama ticket needed to quiet some of the doubts about whether Barack was "ready to lead." Born in Pennsylvania, Biden had the fourth longest senate record at the time of his becoming VP (elect). He's chaired several committees dealing with important civil issues and has a pretty high approval rating from civil liberties and education organizations. Here, however, are some things you may not have known about our oft-overlooked vice president.

10 Unknown Facts about Joe Biden:

1. One of Joe Biden's first jobs was as salesman for the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. They say his sales record rivaled that of Michael Scott.
2. Joe Biden's space ork army can trounce any tyranid army ever fielded.
3. Joe Biden can read a ten point font from 100 yards away.
4. Joe Biden can tap dance "Flight of the Bumblebee," both rhythmically and melodically.
5. Joe Biden personally counted every single person present at the inauguration.
6. Even though he has complete confidence in the secret service, Joe Biden surrounds himself with an invisible psychic forcefield at all times. 
7. Joe Biden knows the question whose answer, 42, the mice paid so much to learn. 
8. Joe Biden was tempted to sleep in today since probably no one would notice his absence and he stayed up late last night to rewatch the fourth season of Lost before the season premier tomorrow.
9. Joe Biden plans to use all of his new found free-time as vice president over the next four years to learn to perform all of those neat magic tricks he used to watch as a kid so that he, as second poorest senator, can have a supplemental second income as a magician so lobbyists don't try to target him with bribes all of the time.
10. Joe Biden takes his oath that he will protect America from any and all enemies foreign and domestic very seriously to the point where he is spending what spare income he has to develop super powers. He's hoping for a selection like Superman's or Spiderman's but will take what he can get.

Though you may forget about Mr. Biden today, just remember, he has not forgotten about you. Yes you. Personally. He's got crazy powerful mental abilities.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Don Knotts

Ladies and Gentlemen, I grew up watching Don Knotts play the wacky deputy Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show. I watched him play some wacky old guy opposite old Andy Griffith on Matlock. I remember watching him be a wacky coward on The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. I saw quite a bit of Don Knotts growing up in fact, or at least on TV. Here are a few things I learned about Mr. Knotts since he passed away in 2006 that changed my perception of that wacky, lovable coot.

10 Unknown Facts About Don Knotts

1. Don Knotts could snipe a cherry off of an ice cream sundae from 1000 yards. With a rubber band.
2. Don Knotts could handle eating Mentos and Diet Coke at the same time.
3. Don Knotts can walk a fishing line tightrope across the Grand Canyon. That's right. Not could. Can. Even today.
4. Don Knotts once counted to google. 
5. Don Knotts discovered Atlantis, but took its secret location to his grave. 
6. Don Knotts was immune to both the common and uncommon cold.
7. Don Knotts could mystically turn margarine to butter and back (turning it back was assumed but unproven, because who in their right mind would turn real butter into margarine>)
8. Don Knotts once spent a year meditating upon the sound of popcorn seeds being poured into a hot pan.
9. Don Knotts diffused the Cuban Missile Crisis by threatening to catch any launched nukes by either country and throw them right back where they came from.
10. Don Knotts once pulled a semi truck with his teeth. While it was trying to drive in the opposite direction.

It's amazing how the truth changes your perception of a man. I always imagined him as a lovable, bumbling, slow-witted codger. Now I understand that he was a man of peak physical and mental ability, which only proves what a truly talented actor he really was. He will continue to be missed.

You have been informed.

Are You One of the Chosen?

Ladies and Gentlemen, some time after Martin Luther, for lack of a Comments box, nailed a few complaints (ninety-five to be exact) to a door, and the Protestants used the Protestant Reformation to reform, a guy named John Calvin (for whom my favorite comic strip character is named) decided that only so many people were getting into heaven and those who were going to Heaven were already chosen. It was an idea called predestination. Essentially (to oversimplify a complex religious concept) that it doesn't matter what you do, God has already decided before the world even was who would be allowed through those Pearly Gates. Now, sure, that should take some of the burden off of people's minds. After all, fretting about it clearly won't change God's mind. However, there were those who just absolutely had to know if their name was on His Almighty Guest List before trying to show up to the party. The idea was that you could tell who was saved based on how successful they were mortally (again, to draw an oversimplification). After all, why would God allow someone he didn't like to have a highly lucrative business and someone he loved to be poor? So, material wealth and status were taken to be signs that God clearly approved of someone.

Now, what does this history/theocracy lesson have to do with us?

Today, I met hundreds of God's chosen. My place of employment is hosting a poker tournament and a lot of affluent individuals were present. I suspect these people were Chosen because not only were they financially successful, they got to do things like put their cigarettes out on the walls and flick their ashes on the floor when an ash tray is literally six inches away from them. They get to spit and swear and otherwise be socially unacceptable and we bend over backwards to cater to their every whim. The can toss trash onto the floor with their right hand when an identical action with the left would have put it in a trash can. They can squash their cigarettes out on the carpet. They can even chain smoke to the point of having asthmatic coworkers needing paramedics to give them oxygen. Now if that doesn't say, "There must be something really special about me for me to behave like this and not get in any trouble," nothing does.

It was kind of awe-inspiring being in the presence of so many people whose places in Heaven are clearly assured. I suspect, given my endless string of financial difficulties, that I am not on the Holy Guest List. I guess I'm ok with that. God seems to really like selfish jerks anyway, and I can live without spending eternity around them.

You have been informed.

The history buffs won't let me sleep...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I haven't really had a good night's sleep since August of 2007. Suddenly, I began waking up constantly in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. And not once. Multiple times throughout the night. Every hour or two. A good night's sleep is one where I only wake up once or twice. I'm exhausted all of the time and I've decided to figure out why.

• I had slept moderately at the MANsion (what my roommates called my old abode), though I occasionally had sleepless nights.
  
• At the very end of July, I moved in with some friends and my sleep became irratic.
  
• In August of last year, I started a semester of almost nothing but history classes.
• In August of last year, i started my final year of college.
• In August of last year, I was supposed to have started my student teaching.
• In January, I moved out and lived with a few other people for the next several months.
  
• During my student teaching the following semester, the sleep problems grew worse and my eyes would twitch very frequently.
• Having graduated, my sleep is still bad but not as bad as it used to be.
• Having graduated, my eyes rarely twitch, but that doesn't mean they don't twitch at all.

Here's what it looks like to me. When living in the MANsion once I woke in the middle of the night and thought I saw a ghost. When I moved in July, the house the ghost must have followed me. After all, I was the only original resident of the MANsion left when I moved out. So the ghost follows me. It knows I'm taking history courses because it must have sat in my room planning my schedule for the coming semester. The ghost is into history. Plus, as the only college student remaining at the MANsion, it knows without me, it doesn't have access to classes. When I move, it follows.

It's ghosts keeping me up all night, for sure. The house did creep me out a little. And it was always pretty cold. Ghosts make the air cold, right? However, I was living with a bunch of people (at one time I had five other roommates). Therefore, the ghost woke me up, but not often, because it had several other people in the house to disturb. It had many people it could follow to classes. Still, I slept terribly, so I assume the ghost was most interested in history, something only I was really studying at the time. Great.

In January, I move in with someone else. Just one person. The ghost follows me, hoping for more history. I am after all licensed to teach history in this state. Perhaps the ghost hopes I will be teaching history during my teacher candidacy. I don't. I teach language arts and literature instead. The ghost is not pleased, and as such makes sure I don't sleep well for the entire sememster. I get all of the attention because the roommate is neither college student nor history buff. All of the ghost's attentions are on me. No rest for our scholarly shade, so no rest for me either I guess.

I graduate. I move out. I'm living with a couple of people, but still, I'm the one who reads history books, so the ghost keeps his attention on me. Even so, my sleep isn't as bad as it used to be. I assume this is because my old ghost is now distracted by Oliver Cromwell. After all, if you're a ghost who is into history, who would you rather hang out with? A student of history or a historical figure? So while he's getting his primary sources for his afterlife PhD, I'm sleeping mildly better, though not wonderfully. I guess the ghost still needs access to that contemporary historical critism.

Lately, though, my sleep has been really bad again. Perhaps because I've been coming down so hard on Oliver Cromwell, he's decided to back off a little, leaving my history ghost with no one to talk to and nothing to do... except bother me. I never thought I'd say this, but come back Mr. Cromwell. I miss you. That or our ghost is a hardcore restorationist and wasn't happy sharing a place with Cromwell, and because Cromwell began acting up over the past couple months, Mr. Restorationist Ghost is acting up too, which in turn is keeping me up.

Oh ghosts... will you never let me sleep?

You have been informed.