10 Unknown Facts About Joe Biden

Ladies and Gentlemen, on this inauguration day for President-Elect-Soon-to-be-President Barack Obama, let us not forget that today another is being sworn in. The world has been a flurry of press coverage surrounding the first African American president of the United States. But what of his ignored running mate Joe Biden> He is, after all, the man who added the experience to the Obama ticket needed to quiet some of the doubts about whether Barack was "ready to lead." Born in Pennsylvania, Biden had the fourth longest senate record at the time of his becoming VP (elect). He's chaired several committees dealing with important civil issues and has a pretty high approval rating from civil liberties and education organizations. Here, however, are some things you may not have known about our oft-overlooked vice president.

10 Unknown Facts about Joe Biden:

1. One of Joe Biden's first jobs was as salesman for the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. They say his sales record rivaled that of Michael Scott.
2. Joe Biden's space ork army can trounce any tyranid army ever fielded.
3. Joe Biden can read a ten point font from 100 yards away.
4. Joe Biden can tap dance "Flight of the Bumblebee," both rhythmically and melodically.
5. Joe Biden personally counted every single person present at the inauguration.
6. Even though he has complete confidence in the secret service, Joe Biden surrounds himself with an invisible psychic forcefield at all times. 
7. Joe Biden knows the question whose answer, 42, the mice paid so much to learn. 
8. Joe Biden was tempted to sleep in today since probably no one would notice his absence and he stayed up late last night to rewatch the fourth season of Lost before the season premier tomorrow.
9. Joe Biden plans to use all of his new found free-time as vice president over the next four years to learn to perform all of those neat magic tricks he used to watch as a kid so that he, as second poorest senator, can have a supplemental second income as a magician so lobbyists don't try to target him with bribes all of the time.
10. Joe Biden takes his oath that he will protect America from any and all enemies foreign and domestic very seriously to the point where he is spending what spare income he has to develop super powers. He's hoping for a selection like Superman's or Spiderman's but will take what he can get.

Though you may forget about Mr. Biden today, just remember, he has not forgotten about you. Yes you. Personally. He's got crazy powerful mental abilities.

You have been informed.

America-Atlantis Peace Treaties

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure you've all read and-or seen all over the news about flight 1549's breath-taking water landing in the Hudson River. The official story is that they hit some birds at 3000 feet and that took out the engines. Yeah, I don't buy it. Not even a little bit. They've recently released footage of the plane hitting the water. Do you see that landing> That is a beautiful, smooth, picture-perfect water landing for a plane not built for water landings. That pilot executed a practiced and well-rehearsed maneuver there. He knew exactly what he was doing. This was no "crash landing." The truth of the matter is, on board that plane was an ambassador from Atlantis. He was meeting with our government to discuss, well, I don't really know what he was discussing, but the Atlanteans are ok with us. Their spy from the 1950s liked Superman and he for sure put in a good for the old U.S. Likewise, he proposed to this Atlantean spy long before he considered marrying Lois Lane, so she probably put in a good word for her own motherland, the sea.

The "emergency water landing" was actually staged to return the ambassador to his home. I know, I know, there's no way Atlantis is in the Hudson River. True. The only people there are wiseguys in cement shoes. But seriously. You may remember the other day when I said Don Knotts discovered Atlantis and took the secret to his grave. That was because he was under oath from the Atlantean king (they're still a monarchy, but they do at least have representative prefecture assemblies) that he would never divulge its secret location. By dropping the Atlantean ambassador off in the Hudson River, the Atlanteans were able to ensure that no one would ever attempt to follow the diplomat home. After all, would you go swimming in the Hudson River> I wouldn't. Let us, then, take this water landing for what it is truly worth: a sign that the U.S. is not only reaching out to fellow nations and principalities of the world, but that we are actively trying to abide by their wishes rather than adopting "We can do no wrong" mentality. Things are looking up already.

You have been informed.

Superman and Clark Kent are WHAT?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been researching the article I shared about Superman few days ago. I couldn't fathom it. Surely the hero I grew up with could not possibly be a sadistic devourer of human flesh. I used my police contacts to take a look at the investigation files to see if I might uncover the truth. After several days pouring over the details, I found a few similarities between the alleged attacks.

1. The victim is always male.
2. The victim is always approximately 6'6"
3. The victim is always of above average build.
4. The victim always wears glasses.
5. The victim always has dark hair.
6. The only evidence ever left behind is clothing, which is never tattered or bloodied.

At first, it seemed to me that perhaps Superman really was some kind of monster. Perhaps he was a serial killer and the above specifications are just the focus of his psychotic tendencies. Who, then, could he be eternally getting revenge on, eternally devouring one proxy at a time? I was stumped. There could be so many people. It's not that uncommon a description, I suppose. The answer came while reading the Daily Planet for clues. Reporter Clark Kent wrote an editorial defending the Man of Steel. Beside the article was a small photograph of the journalist. I think you can guess his appearance: male, dark hair, glasses, above average build, fairly tall. Was this the man Superman was indirectly seeking some revenge on?

It didn't fit. Sure the description did. Kent was a perfect candidate for the phone booth buffet, appearance wise, but what cause could the man of tomorrow have to hate this reporter who ceaselessly defends him? Is it some long buried grudge? Or perhaps, deep down, Superman is tired of being idolized, tired of his oh-too-perfect image. So many possibilities. The truth was one I never even considered.

I had to know more about this Clark Kent, so I began reading through his old articles. Checking on his whereabouts while Superman is around, trying to find some slight that he may have committed. Why this man? As it turns out, Kent is never too far from Superman. It's generally accepted around Metropolis that the two are friends. Could this be an old high school grudge? I needed to investigate more. Here's what I found.

1. Clark Kent is often in the area when Superman appears.
2. Clark Kent's clothes can often be found around the Daily Planet when Superman appears.
3. Clark Kent has an unusually strong attachment to defending and writing praises about Superman.
4. Clark Kent can allegedly get messages to and from Superman whenever he needs to.
5. Clark Kent and Superman are, as previously stated, "friends."
6. Clark Kent and Superman are never seen in the same place at the same time.
   

I don't believe that Superman is eating people. The similarities among the "victims" and the behavior patterns of Clark Kent suggest that he is always the person in the phone booth, and yet he is clearly not dead.

You want to know what I think? I think that Clark Kent and Superman are a couple. They're gay lovers. Let's fit these puzzle pieces together to better understand the relationship. Whenever Superman appears, it seems Clark Kent gets naked. His clothes can be found in closets and bathrooms all throughout the Daily Planet and probably all throughout Metropolis. Closets and bathrooms have long been the love nests for illicit affairs. True, a secret rendezvous every time Superman is needed seems a bit excessive, but when your life is in the state of perpetual danger that the Man of Steel lives in, every battle could be your last. It's a bittersweet act of love-making, a possible goodbye every time they meet in those phone booths. We know that Kent can contact Superman whenever he needs to. What lover wouldn't be able to contact his or her significant other when needed? Clark praises his hero so much in the papers because he can't stand attacks on the man he loves, especially when he knows the truth.

But why avoid each other? I think the answer to this is obvious. They don't want to reveal their secret romance. Were the two to be in public together, their loving glances would no doubt betray that the two are more than "just friends." Further, Kansas is still a homophobic state, legislation-wise. Even in the more open-minded city of Metropolis, coming out, especially figures as public as Superman and Clark Kent, could be disastrous for both career and social comfort. And so, they must continue to love in the dark.

To double check this theory, I ran it by Lois Lane, Clark Kent's co-worker and long time Superman supporter. She said it "makes sense. He [Superman] never seemed to accept my advances and Clark's attempts to woo me always came off as too wholesome and scripted." She also commented that Superman did strike her as at least something of a narcissist. "You don't wear form fitting spandex like that unless you want people to gaze at your form," she added. She concluded that that would probably be why he chose Clark. The two are the same size, the same build, same hair, same face. The only real difference is the glasses. "It's only natural someone so into himself would be attracted to someone nigh identical to him."

And so we put to rest another falsehood, the cannibalistic nature of Superman, and reveal a new truth, the love between reporter and hero. Next time you see the emblem on Superman's chest, remember that it used to be an upside down triangle, his silent plea with the world to accept his homosexuality. So next time you see a piece of anti-gay legislation, vote it down, if not for you, than for Superman.

You have been informed.

It's a bad day for the Man of Steel

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't have time today to tell another story about Wil. I'll be spending the evening mingling with the undead, so instead let me copy and paste this article I saw on the wire.

"Superman Sought on Cannibalism Charges"

AP - Metropolis - Police are seeking caped vigilante Superman on charges of cannibalism after receiving reports that he allegedly entered an occupied phone both and devoured a person whole, leaving only his clothing. Witness Mary Thompson described what she saw. 'I saw a man enter a phone booth to make a call and then in a blink Superman ran out. The man was gone, his clothes lying on the floor [of the phone booth].'

Investigators initially dismissed the claims as a prank, but soon others all over the city reported having similar experiences in the past, each withholding their story, sometimes for years, for fear of publically shaming such a powerful and beloved city icon. 'What do you do?' wondered one witness who chose to remain anonymous. 'He can hear everything you say. He can see through walls. He can tear steel doors in half. How do you hide from someone like that?'

Experts say that while the story seems incredible, it is definitely plausible. Doctor Peter Martelli of Metropolis University's biology department explains: "Superman moves at incredible speed, faster than we can see, which would explain why no one ever sees him enter [the phone booth]. His speed would also allow him to devour so quickly, that a drop of blood would never have time to fall and leave a stain on the floor or walls. Further, moving at such incredible speeds surely requires an incredible metabolism. It's possible Superman could have digested most of the devoured man before even leaving the booth."

Police are currently trying to call in the Man of Steel for questioning, but at present, no process servers have volunteered for the job."

Oh, Supes! Say it ain't so!

Sadly, you have been informed.