10 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin Long

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the birthday of both Zachary Quinto, whom you may recognize as Sylar from the TV show Heroes and twenty-something Spock from the new Star Trek movie (not to be confused with Young Spock- Jacob Kogan, or Old Spock/Spock Prime-Leonard Nemoy), and Justin Long, who does great movies like Zack and Miri (Make a Porno), Dodgeball, GalaxyQuest, and Idiocracy when he's not selling his soul to the devil by selling Macs. I really like both of these guys (even if one does try to sell me a smug sense of superiority for a pretty, but overpriced computer that won't play any decent games), and I couldn't decide which to share ten facts about this week. Then I figured since they both share the same birthday, let's share a list of ten facts they have in common.


10 Unknown Facts about Zachary Quinto and Justin Long

1. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can both drive a standard and automatic transmission as well as the Semi-Automatic transmission, which only sometimes requires you to manually shift gears. The trick is anticipating when the transmission has decided when it wants you to do it instead.
2. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long have each eaten enough brownies in one sitting to kill a small elephant.
3. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long crocheted chain mail shirts out of steel cable.
4. Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave escape plans from their homes drawn up in case of fire, burglars, and zombies.
5. Zachary Quinto and Justin Longhave mystical self-refilling ink cartridges for their printers, the lucky schmucks.
6. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can shoot flaming tulips from their hands at will.
7. Zachary Quinto and Justin Longboth know why the caged bird sings.
8. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long live on 36 hour daily cycles, making scheduling around their twelve hour sleep sessions difficult.
9. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long can gain total daily nutritional requirements from chocolate cake.
10. Zachary Quinto and Justin Long were invited to attend Hogwarts when they were 11, but turned down the offer in hopes of making it big in Hollywood. How lucky for them they didn't turn down wizarding school for nothing.

They really do have some amazing similarities, don't they? What are the odds? I guess we'll never know. Unless one of you has a doctorate in statistics and probability, in which case, what are the odds? I'm sure we'd really like to know.

You have been informed

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini

Ladies and Gentlemen, today (March 24) is the birthday of the world's most famous magician, Harry Houdini, real name Ehrich Weiss. In his early career, he did feats of escape and transposition with at the time equally famous brother, known as Hardeen (both based their stage names off of French magician Robert-Houdin). Though known for being a stage magician, Houdini's act primarily focused on escapology. His later career focused on debunking fraudulent spiritualists and mediums who claimed to be able to speak with the dead. He also wrote books on magic theory and the tricks of the medium trade. There is, in fact, quite a lot to learn about this amazing individual. Here are ten facts you didn't know. 

10 Unknown Facts about Harry Houdini:

1. Harry Houdini could escape from anything, including awkward blind dates.
2. Harry Houdini was Hungarian, and was thus, always hungry. Always.
3. Harry Houdini could take a blow to the stomach from anything, including fists and cannon fire. 
4. Harry Houdini could breathe fire. This was not magic. It was science.
5. Harry Houdini knew the secrets of the ninja masters but did not use them in his act because he felt they'd make things too easy.
6. Harry Houdini was the inspiration for Superman due to his ability to outrun speeding bullets and leap tall buildings in a single bound. He couldn't fly, though. That's just ridiculous.
7. Harry Houdini could make Belgian waffles out of anything, provided he was in Belgium.
8. Harry Houdini fought the law, and the law lost.
9. Harry Houdini gained sustenance from applause the way most people gain it from food. Hence, his career in entertainment.
10. Harry Houdini had a ten octave voice but did not go into a career in music because he couldn't sing on key.

Thrilling stuff, I know. He brought magic to the world and then debunked it, but you had to love him anyway. And now you know.

You have been informed.

My Girlfriend, the Witch

Ladies and Gentlemen, don't tell her I said this, but I think my girlfriend is a witch. I don't mean she's mean. She's very nice. I don't mean she's Wicked Witch of the Westy either. Her skin tone is a shade of peachishness that falls easily within genetic norms. However, technology, specifically her computer, fails for her. All the time. The internet, for instance, is in a state of constant lagging out and crashityness. In fact, yesterday, it took me several attempts to finally post, as the laptop developed a persnickity habit of timing out every time I hit the post button, sending me back to the drawing board to rewrite the post. 

How does this make her a witch> I've been reading the Harry Dresden books. Maybe you've heard of them. They're about a wizard who lives in Chicago. His name is Harry Dresden, as you may have guessed. According to Mr. Dresden, if you do magic, technology rebels against you and fails just to spite you. Given her bad luck with electronics, this clearly means she's a possessor of supernatural abilities. Granted, I'm not one to prejudge a person exclusively on their ability to perform paranormal feats. That's profiling, and that's wrong. If the witch hunters from Old Boston are correct on the subject--and they must be, or else they wouldn't have killed those girls all those years ago, she gained her magic through congress with the Devil, which may sound bad, but really, if she got anything out of congress, good for her. That's more than most people I know have ever been able to do. Ever. 

I guess the moral of the story is if someone you know has a problem with electronics, tell them your concerns about the economy, the war, or any other problem you see with the state of the world and maybe they can get congress to do something about it.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Joe Biden

Ladies and Gentlemen, on this inauguration day for President-Elect-Soon-to-be-President Barack Obama, let us not forget that today another is being sworn in. The world has been a flurry of press coverage surrounding the first African American president of the United States. But what of his ignored running mate Joe Biden> He is, after all, the man who added the experience to the Obama ticket needed to quiet some of the doubts about whether Barack was "ready to lead." Born in Pennsylvania, Biden had the fourth longest senate record at the time of his becoming VP (elect). He's chaired several committees dealing with important civil issues and has a pretty high approval rating from civil liberties and education organizations. Here, however, are some things you may not have known about our oft-overlooked vice president.

10 Unknown Facts about Joe Biden:

1. One of Joe Biden's first jobs was as salesman for the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. They say his sales record rivaled that of Michael Scott.
2. Joe Biden's space ork army can trounce any tyranid army ever fielded.
3. Joe Biden can read a ten point font from 100 yards away.
4. Joe Biden can tap dance "Flight of the Bumblebee," both rhythmically and melodically.
5. Joe Biden personally counted every single person present at the inauguration.
6. Even though he has complete confidence in the secret service, Joe Biden surrounds himself with an invisible psychic forcefield at all times. 
7. Joe Biden knows the question whose answer, 42, the mice paid so much to learn. 
8. Joe Biden was tempted to sleep in today since probably no one would notice his absence and he stayed up late last night to rewatch the fourth season of Lost before the season premier tomorrow.
9. Joe Biden plans to use all of his new found free-time as vice president over the next four years to learn to perform all of those neat magic tricks he used to watch as a kid so that he, as second poorest senator, can have a supplemental second income as a magician so lobbyists don't try to target him with bribes all of the time.
10. Joe Biden takes his oath that he will protect America from any and all enemies foreign and domestic very seriously to the point where he is spending what spare income he has to develop super powers. He's hoping for a selection like Superman's or Spiderman's but will take what he can get.

Though you may forget about Mr. Biden today, just remember, he has not forgotten about you. Yes you. Personally. He's got crazy powerful mental abilities.

You have been informed.

Misnomers

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's truth comes from approximately thirteen years of research. I have a confession to make, and chances are, it will shock none of you, but...

I'm a nerd.

I spent my youth playing Magic: the Gathering, Vampire: the Masquerade, and other fancy games with colons in the title. Over time and lots of research down in a dark room with pasty friends and lots of dice, I've learned a few things about these games: the names are all deceptive, and as such are false advertising. So today, I'll list my favorite games, describe why they're misnamed, and propose new names more befitting their nature. And along the way, I'll use lots of fancy colons.

Dungeons and Dragons: The quintessential geek game. Players take on the role of fantasy adventurers killing monsters and taking treasure.

• FACT: Most games don't involve dragons. In fact, the bulk of the creatures you fight, that party can kill in one hit.
  
• FACT: Many games don't involve dungeons, but rather tombs, keeps, castles, lairs, labyrinths, and fortresses. Almost all games, however, involve a tavern of some kind.
• FACT: Every game involves getting treasure by taking it from cursed tombs and looting the bodies of dead monsters.
• SOLUTION: Since most games don't involve dungeons or dragons, the name ought to be changed to something more appropriate.
  
• New name? Taverns and Grave-robbers.

Vampire: The Masquerade: Characters are vampires living in our world pretending to be human. They walk among us just below the surface. It's the game that made being goth cool, or if not cool, at least, not as whiney. Plus, we've avoided the D&D trap, in that all games of Vampire involve vampires, and there is a major premise called the Masquerade. How could this possibly be a misnomer?

• FACT: Vampires have nifty powers that let them shapeshift or pick up cars. And they have pointy teeth. All of these things kinda break the Masquerade, which states that vampires should act like normal people.
• FACT: Most vampires in these games blatantly use these powers in ridiculous combat sequences and then slaughter wholesale all mortals unfortunate enough to have seen the events, which in turn, prompts huge police investigations into the activities of the undead. It's not a smart way to hide.
• SOLUTION: The vampire part can stay. It's accurate. However, the Masquerade is often a laughing afterthought in the games I've played. In fact, quite the opposite happens. Too much attention is drawn to the characters.
  
• New name? Vampire: The Big Neon Sign.

Cyberpunk 2020: Corporate greed, data espionage, street gangs. The gritty urban computer driven future. What's not to love?

• FACT: The game does involve punks who are both online and often cybernetic.
  
• FACT: The game is allegedly set in the year 2020, and while I can easily see corporations all but ruling the world by then and an increase in gang activity, I think it's safe to say that I won't be able to buy cybernetic adamantite retractable claws from a street doctor any time soon. Or have infrared sensors augmented to my eyes. Or use a neural relay to log onto a super-sweet virtual reality internet.
• SOLUTION: There are two ways we could go. Set in what 2020 will probably really be like. Today with smaller cellphones and better gas milage. But then the game loses a lot of its flavor. So instead, we need to set it at a time when the future really could have those cool techno-gadgets. Unfortunately, technology never seems to advance as fast as we would like it to.
• New name? Cyberpunk Undetermined Year at least One Hundred Years from Today (or Cyberpunk UYaLOHYfT for short).

Rifts: Post apocalyptic high tech, high magic goodness. This is a powergamer's dream. You will meet dragons in this game, and almost every character can drop a tank with ease and the U.S. is led by a xenophobic facist military government called the Coalition. And the world even got this way after a surge of magic energy tore open rifts to other dimensions. So what's the problem?

• FACT: I've never played in a game where I've actually seen a rift. Sure they still open from time to time in the game world, but mostly that's all past.
• FACT: People want to play the cool characters that can bench press battleships and blow up buildings with their minds, not the wimpy humans who need armor to survive. As such, the almost always end up fighting against the Coalition.
• SOLUTION: We need a name that captures what games ultimately devolve into, and not a reference to a past event.
• New name? Power Gamers Fight Space Nazis.

Magic: The Gathering: Sure, this one is a card game and not a role playing game, but the gamers, they love it. In concept, every player represents a super-powerful mage who is summoning all kinds of monsters and spells to beat up other mages. It's never really explained why these mages fight so much and don't just sit down, talk, and resolve their differences peacefully.

• FACT: Calling the game a gathering seems wrong. Gatherings are for friends and family. They are a coming together, not a tearing apart by violent warfare and devestating spells.
• FACT: Perhaps the gathering refers to the gathering of players, but I've seen many games get heated, even among friends. Or perhaps it's about the gathering of cards. Who can buy the most packs, the best cards, to ensure victory? The player who can afford the most packs and the best cards, that's who.
• SOLUTION: Magic can stay. The game does involve magic. But Gathering? We need to clarify what that means.
• New Name? Magic: The Rich Kid Always Wins.

Kobolds Ate My Baby: This game is exactly what it sounds like, almost. You play a kobold (or to be more accurate, several kobolds) trying to steal babies to eat. It's a fun, tongue-in-cheek, beer-and-pretzels rpg. What's the problem?

• FACT: It isn't "my" baby the kobolds are eating, since I'm playing a kobold myself and we aren't after kobold babies. We want plump, tender, juicy human babies. Plus, the players go through kobolds rather quickly. They aren't the hardiest of monsters.
  
• FACT: Mostly the kobolds don't actually get to eat the baby. Just their leader, King Torg. All hail King Torg!
• SOLUTION: In theory the old name was fine. It just needs a couple of tweaks to get the name accurate.
• New name? Many Kobolds Died to Serve Your Baby to King Torg (All hail King Torg!)
  

Before closing, I would to mention that there are many games with accurate names. GURPS really is a Generic Universal Role Playing System. Toon really is about cartoon characters. Paranoia really will make you think your friends are out to kill you (and they will). I applaud the honesty of these game titles. It's just the above Big Offenders that I feel ought to present themselves more accurately.

You have been informed.

An Explanation of the Ads and Some Random Facts

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me first apologize for the ads. I know they aren't pretty, crowded there at the bottom of these posts. They are there for two reasons.

1) With the amount of time I spend on the computer, I felt obligated to carry on the illusion that there's at least some possibility of getting paid for it.

2) The ads are allegedly content based, meaning if i talk about whales a lot, it will, I don't know, try to sell you a pet humpback or something. I'm curious as to what it will advertise based on what I write. Currently, it's just Obama stuff, but that's probably because that's almost all I've written about recently.

That being said, here are a few things I've learned lately.

• Those of any moral alignment other than evil should never investigate an assassinated emperor with associates who are lawful neutral and chaotic neutral. They will not investigate the crime, but rather will remoreselessly do everything in their power to thwart the rest of the group's investigation, which in turn, draws too much attention to the investigation and gets everyone kidnapped, killed, or both.
• The most magical animals in the world are penguins. Seriously. You can learn more arcane secrets from penguins than from any other magical animal, including how to tie your shoes with no hands. Who would have thought penguins would have a spell for putting on an article of clothing they never wear?
• If you become unstuck in time, your best bet is to try to end up in an alien zoo with a porn star. You have to mate to get your food in a protected environment. Bam! First three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs taken care of in one swoop.
• Hugh Grant's crotch kills innocent people. (Bet you'll think twice before you do Notting Hill 2, won't you Julia Roberts?)
• The universe assumes that if you come here for your daily truth, you probably want to buy a President-Elect You-Know-Who collectible plate.

You have been informed.