Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't have time today to tell another story about Wil. I'll be spending the evening mingling with the undead, so instead let me copy and paste this article I saw on the wire.
"Superman Sought on Cannibalism Charges"
AP - Metropolis - Police are seeking caped vigilante Superman on charges of cannibalism after receiving reports that he allegedly entered an occupied phone both and devoured a person whole, leaving only his clothing. Witness Mary Thompson described what she saw. 'I saw a man enter a phone booth to make a call and then in a blink Superman ran out. The man was gone, his clothes lying on the floor [of the phone booth].'
Investigators initially dismissed the claims as a prank, but soon others all over the city reported having similar experiences in the past, each withholding their story, sometimes for years, for fear of publically shaming such a powerful and beloved city icon. 'What do you do?' wondered one witness who chose to remain anonymous. 'He can hear everything you say. He can see through walls. He can tear steel doors in half. How do you hide from someone like that?'
Experts say that while the story seems incredible, it is definitely plausible. Doctor Peter Martelli of Metropolis University's biology department explains: "Superman moves at incredible speed, faster than we can see, which would explain why no one ever sees him enter [the phone booth]. His speed would also allow him to devour so quickly, that a drop of blood would never have time to fall and leave a stain on the floor or walls. Further, moving at such incredible speeds surely requires an incredible metabolism. It's possible Superman could have digested most of the devoured man before even leaving the booth."
Police are currently trying to call in the Man of Steel for questioning, but at present, no process servers have volunteered for the job."
Oh, Supes! Say it ain't so!
Sadly, you have been informed.