The Zombies Can Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.



That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.

• They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
• They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
• They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
• They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
  
• They will be loud and annoying.
• They will be coordinated.
• They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
• They will strike with coordinated military precision.
• They will be self-aware.

I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

See what happens when you step away for a week or two?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my extended absence, but the wedding is finally over. I finally have a little time to post. Before I move. Next week. Sigh...

But oh dear heavens what has happened in my absence? I step away from researching for a couple of weeks and suddenly it's nothing but news news news. I haven't had time to research, but I can posit a few theories behind each event.

The most common news element? Celebrity deaths.

Since my last post, we've lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
My guess: VH1 is filming the next season of the Surreal Life in the afterlife.

There was a military coup in Honduras. Former president forbidden to return. Former president vows to return some time around Saturday.
My guess: President forgot to help with the dishes. The Military felt unappreciated, because the President didn't even say thank you after the Military did all of the dishes. They argue. The President brought up something that the Military did early in their relationship when they were having a break that he swore long ago he'd forgiven her for and he'd never bring up again. The Military started crying, called him an insensitive jerk, slapped him, and told him to leave the apartment and never come back. The President has been sleeping on his buddy's couch, vowing to go back "after the Military has had a little time to cool off." The Military has been on the phone with its mother, and has filed a restraining order against the President.

A place crashes, and only one woman survives.
My Guess: Really? We've all seen Unbreakable. I think we all know what her story is.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to go sign a lease now for an apartment about 150 miles away from here. Then the packing starts.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin

Ladies and Gentlemen, George Carlin would have been 72 had he not accepted that gig in Paradise last year, thinking it would be the town in California. We all know that Carlin was a comedian, but early in his life, he was also a radar technician in the Air Force and a disc jockey. Today, to celebrate his life and what he did for free speech (something very near to our heart here at The Truth of the World), we present to you ten things about George Carlin you didn't know.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin:

1. George Carlin could sqeeze seven shots out of a six-shooter.
2. Though most famous for his "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television," George Carlin was always a little disappointed that his "Seventy Thousand Words You Can Say on Television," also known as "George Carlin Reads the Dictionary," never caught on the same way.
3. George Carlin's sense of smell was 1,000 times stronger than most humans.
4. George Carlin's job of Radar Technician consisted of not only maintaining RADAR systems, but also maintaining Gary Burghoff.
   
5. George Carlin's bite had a 95% mortality rate.
6. George Carlin could sleep for three years straight, leading some to believe he isn't really dead.
7. George Carlin's book title Napalm and Silly Putty was meant to be a recipe for a substance that would turn iron into gold, but a publishing oversight left off the third ingredient.
8. According to George Carlin, the hardest thing about being a disc jockey is getting it to race other discs. Climbing on the disc's back is the easiest part.
9. George Carlin made a bet on the world series in the mid 1950s. The loser had to keep a beard for the rest of their lives. Carlin actually won the bet, but kept a beard anyway, just to rub in the fact that he could shave his any time he wanted.
10. George Carlin secretly filled in during a Beatles concert when George Harrison was sick with a cold. They figured no one would notice if you switched on George for another. They were right.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan

Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of his birthday, this week's 10 Unknown Facts segment is about Canadian actor James Doohan. That name may not be familiar to some of you, but perhaps if I gave you the name Mongomery "Scotty" Scott, it would. James Doohan played the Chief of Engineering on the original Star Trek series, which inspired numerous individuals to pursue degrees in science. He developed the "first draft," so to speak, of the Klingon language for the show. He also served in World War II (even losing a finger to machine gun fire), and once saved a fan's life. He was an amazing guy. Here are a few amazing things about him you may not have known.

10 Unknown Facts about James Doohan:

1. When Scotty told Captain Kirk that he was giving him all the Enterprise had, James Doohan would sigh on the inside knowing that if he were there, he could give a little more.
   
2. James Doohan could recite Pi. All of it.
3. James Doohan once led a camel through the eye of a needle to give his rich friends hope.
4. During WWII, James Doohan would volunteer for two shifts on the nightwatch. He would take the first one and when he got tired, his mustache would take the second.
5. James Doohan could fly any plane including a Euclydian plane.
6. Despite his degree from the Milwaukee School of Engineering being honorary, James Doohan could still rewire a damaged warp coil if he needed too.
7. James Doohan not only helped invent the Klingon language, he also helped invent leetspeak (1337 5p34k) and English.
8. James Doohan coded a biometric lock to his missing finger, making it impossible for anyone to unlock it without putting the absence of his finger on the fingerprint scanner (it's a lot harder than it sounds).
9. James Doohan fought the law and the law did not win.
10. James Doohan built his own rocket so that he could be there on the moon waiting to photograph man's first step on an unearthly body.

He was truly an amazing man. Some say he was the kindest of all of Star Trek's cast members. In July of 2005, he passed away and boldly went were all of us are destined to go: to the undiscovered country (and I'm not referring to the set of Star Trek VI.)

You have been informed.

Robot Armies

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember just a post ago when I was talking about Tesla and atomic robots> It looks like we will be having that robot army with or without everyone's favorite Mad Scientist. At first, I find myself thrilled by this prospect. I grew up salivating over anything with robots, the bigger the better. Battletech, Robotech, Voltron, Transformers, even Robot Jox and Space Balls. How amazing, then, would it be to have real armies of real giant robots flying through space and fighting like 50' mechanical ninjas with rocket launchers> Can you imagine anything more awesome> I submit to you that you cannot.

Still, reading the article, I can't help but be concerned, worried even. No, I'm not concerned about an "inevitable rise" of "super intelligent AIs." We have the Three Laws to keep us safe in the case of automatons. Likewise, I'm not afraid of enslavement in a virtual world by robots who offered us paradise only to have our psyches unable to accept it. No, what concerns me is nothing less than science and "reason" defecating all over a childhood, nay, a lifetime worth of dreams. 

The reason for creating this army of robots is thus: "reduced casualties."

Reduced casualties. Reduced casualties> That means people don't get killed. Sure that sounds nice and wonderful, but let's consider this, shall we> If people don't get killed, then people can't possibly be piloting them. I'm sorry, but I don't know that I can live in a world with giant walking war machines if I can't hop in the cockpit and dispense some massive mechanical justice. You know what happens when you make giant robots with no pilot> They hunt down all of your super heroes. That's what. And that's also a world I can't abide.

Robot armies: good. Robot armies that I can't pilot: bad.

Call your Congressman (or other elected official) and let them know, casualties be damned. We want giant robots that we can ride in.

You have been informed.

Safety Sheds in England

Ladies and Gentlemen, recently a boatload of Russian wood began washing up on beaches in Kent, England, much to the delight of those living in the surrounding area. After all, who can resist the lure of free lumber? Nothing strange. I know I would enjoy being suddenly blessed by timber from heaven. Or the sea, as the case may be. What is strange is the sheer number of sheds collectors of this wood say they are going to build. What doe the people of Kent need with so many sheds? The answer lies in a recent decision by the BBC.

A number of British charities, including the Red Cross and Save the Children, have asked the BBC to air an appeal for emergency humanitarian aid in Gaza, but have been denied by the broadcasting company on the grounds of maintaining their impartiality. By charter, the BBC is not supposed to take any action that would imply a bias, and thus they are not allowed to broadcast the plea for aid, says a BBC spokesman. That may be well and good, but why is the BBC really turning down the charitable request? After all, by airing all of those wonderful Save the Children specials in the past (particularly the one with Doctor Who and the Curse of the Fatal Death), they've showed a bias toward sick and impoverished children. Where is their precious impartiality now? We are forced to therefore conclude that there is some other reason why the BBC has chosen to sit this one out. The truth is, it's a matter of survival.

Let's take a closer look at Gaza, shall we? Hamas went into Gaza. They were attacked by Israel. Israel went into Gaza. They got bombed by Hamas. The U.N. built an embassy in Gaza. They were bombed by Israel. Humanitarian workers went into Gaza. They were attacked by everyone. The fact of the matter is, everyone who goes into Gaza is attacked. It is not unreasonable to assume, then, that if the BBC airs the request for charitable aid in Gaza, Hamas and/or Israel will try to shell their production headquarters, which in turn, will require the BBC to retaliate by launching rockets and reruns of Bonekickers. Then the Geneva Convention gets dragged in for crimes against humanity and it all ends poorly for everyone.

What does this have to do with sheds in Kent? These British charities plan to appeal the BBC's decision on Monday to gain permission to air the humanitarian aid special. If the BBC reverses their decision, the U.K. will find itself at risk of mortar bombardment from the Middle East, and from, I mean those in Gaza will probably have to board boats and park off shore of England to express their anger, because seriously, mortar fire won't reach England from Gaza. It'll fall short in Greece, and then one more country gets dragged into it. But back to the original point. The people of Kent are building these sheds to house their own mortar launchers for retaliatory strikes against Gazan aggression, presuming, of course, that militants go all the way around England to the more impractical side for the attack. Plus, if things escalate as things tend to do, they can use these sheds as makeshift wooden hangars for makeshift wooden fighters, because really, who expects a counterstrike from Kent?

As such, I say to you, Mr. BBC news reporter on the video from the beginning of this post, don't look down on your countrymen for not filling out the paperwork. They're looting the sea of its wooden goodness for your safety.

You have been informed.

War in the Eighth Dimension?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the U.S. military is stalking Wil Wheaton. If a stealth bomber flew over his house eight times, clearly they're looking for something. The dogs went crazy every time they passed over head, which makes sense. Dogs can sense stealthy things like burglars and ghosts. My question is, what do they need him for? They could probably just ask him for assistance, you know. He's an approachable guy. Their purposes must lean toward something Mr. Wheaton would not approve of. My guess is that they intend to start a war with the eight dimension and cannot simply ask Wil to lend them his oscilation overthruster (see #8) to get there because they know he's not one to condone unnecessary violence, or at least not since the AADA incident (see #5) when he became Three Laws Safe (see #10). They must be flying over trying to get a glimpse of how he built the overthruster, or at least some peek at where he keeps it.

It's a good thing you have those dogs, Mr. Wheaton, to let you know they're watching you. Now hide that oscilation overthruster quickly!

You have been informed.