The Zombies Can Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.



That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.

• They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
• They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
• They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
• They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
  
• They will be loud and annoying.
• They will be coordinated.
• They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
• They will strike with coordinated military precision.
• They will be self-aware.

I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Dick Clark

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and when I think of music in general, I think of Dick Clark, not because he really makes any music, at least not personally, but because he's been something of a spokesperson for it since American Bandstand and his New Year's Rockin' Eve Party. He was born as Richard Wagstaff Clark in 1929 (yes, he's coming up on his 80th birthday), but became famous as Dick Clark of American Bandstand fame, a program on which bands would play, teens would dance, and back at home, girls would swoon during any Elvis appearance. Despite the stroke, he's still managed to keep something of a baby face. This youthful appearance even earned him the nickname "America's Oldest Living Teenager." Clearly this youthful appearance is actually because he's from a mystic race that ages slowly. In fact, rumor has it that the change from Richard Clark to Dick Clark is just one in a long series of name changes that he adopts every century or so, to keep his true nigh-ageless nature a secret. I'm giving that tidbit to you for free and not including it as a fact because, honestly, that's just conjecture. No, Clark comes to mind for being so influential in music, though his influence goes far deeper than hosting music programs. At times, he inspires it. The list of 10 Unknown Facts today shows just how inspirational Dick Clark has been to music by discussing 10 songs in which he goes uncredited.

10 Unknown Facts About Dick Clark:

1. Dick Clark put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.
2. Dick Clark keeps moving John Linnell's chair.
3. Dick Clark let the dogs out.
4. Dick Clark wrote the Book of Love.
5. It's Dick Clark
6. Dick Clark controls the British crown, Oscar night, and several other things.
   
7. Dick Clark holds tomorrow.
   
8. Dick Clark sold the world.
   
9. Dick Clark taught Sloan to live like that.
   
10. Dick Clark is gonna drive you home tonight.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I felt it captured the scope pretty well. Next time you hear a song where someone wants to know who did something, rest assured, it's probably Dick Clark.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin

Ladies and Gentlemen, George Carlin would have been 72 had he not accepted that gig in Paradise last year, thinking it would be the town in California. We all know that Carlin was a comedian, but early in his life, he was also a radar technician in the Air Force and a disc jockey. Today, to celebrate his life and what he did for free speech (something very near to our heart here at The Truth of the World), we present to you ten things about George Carlin you didn't know.

10 Unknown Facts about George Carlin:

1. George Carlin could sqeeze seven shots out of a six-shooter.
2. Though most famous for his "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television," George Carlin was always a little disappointed that his "Seventy Thousand Words You Can Say on Television," also known as "George Carlin Reads the Dictionary," never caught on the same way.
3. George Carlin's sense of smell was 1,000 times stronger than most humans.
4. George Carlin's job of Radar Technician consisted of not only maintaining RADAR systems, but also maintaining Gary Burghoff.
   
5. George Carlin's bite had a 95% mortality rate.
6. George Carlin could sleep for three years straight, leading some to believe he isn't really dead.
7. George Carlin's book title Napalm and Silly Putty was meant to be a recipe for a substance that would turn iron into gold, but a publishing oversight left off the third ingredient.
8. According to George Carlin, the hardest thing about being a disc jockey is getting it to race other discs. Climbing on the disc's back is the easiest part.
9. George Carlin made a bet on the world series in the mid 1950s. The loser had to keep a beard for the rest of their lives. Carlin actually won the bet, but kept a beard anyway, just to rub in the fact that he could shave his any time he wanted.
10. George Carlin secretly filled in during a Beatles concert when George Harrison was sick with a cold. They figured no one would notice if you switched on George for another. They were right.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher

Ladies and Gentlemen, today on Ten Facts Tuesday we dig deeper into the world of author Jim Butcher. Those of you unfamiliar with his work will of course know of him from the Harry Dresden novels, comics, and tv show. He is also the writer of the Codex Alera books and one Spider-Man novel. He's even married to a romance novelist. But here are a few things I hope you didn't know, because, well, if you did, I'd have to change the name of my column to Ten Barely Known Facts, and that doesn't have the same ring to it.

10 Unknown Facts about Jim Butcher:

1. Jim Butcher was once offered an Eagle Talon High Five, but declined because his hero J.R.R. Tolkien died before the practice was instituted and, to quote the eagles, "You can't high five a man who cannot raise his own arm. It's just a low five." He didn't want the honor if Tolkien didn't have one first. Eagles are currently debating changing their anti-posthumous ETHF stance.
2. Jim Butcher is a pretender.
3. Jim Butcher can butcher a bottle of Jim Beam like you wouldn't believe. He doesn't, but he can.
4. Jim Butcher is not a wizard per say, but he did figure out how to do magic. See List Item 2.
5. In the summer between high school and college, he worked as a London Chimney sweep just to see if they do dance, sing, and have animated escapades with mystical nannies. And to answer your question, yes. They do.
6. Jim Butcher goes antiquing on Saturdays, sometimes at the Smithsonian museum.
7. Jim Butcher once convinced NASA he was an astronaut to sneak about the international space station. See List Item 2.
8. Jim Butcher can read with his eyes shut. He learned this from the Cat in the Hat.
9. Jim Butcher doesn't understand the expression "he acts like his (feces) don't stink" because his, in fact, don't.
10. Jim Butcher was the inspiration for a Foo Fighters song.

He's an interesting guy, that Jim Butcher. I'm glad I could expand your knowledge of him just a little bit more. Until next time, 

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I completely missed Ten Facts Tuesday. You would think a regularly scheduled thing with an alliterative title would be easy to remember, but no. It seems to slip my mind all the time. I always remember that it's Sunday (when the new schedule at work is posted), Monday (because I usually have to work the first day of the new schedule), Wednesday (because it's Lost Night), Thursday (because it's the day after Lost and the day before gaming), Friday (because it's Game Night), and Saturday because that's when my teacher friend can hang out. Yet, for some strange reason, I never remember that it's Tuesday, and it has more of a reason for me to remember it that Thursday. How strange.

Your Ten Facts this week are about Mr. Fred Rogers. You may remember him as the guy from your childhood who always wore a cardigan and sneakers and his neighborhood was populated by puppets. Mental Floss recently did a list of 15 facts about what made him so great. This really sparked my desire to learn more about everyone's favorite neighbor. This is what I learned.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

1. Mr. Rogers's friendship with a certain member of the X-Men named Storm allowed him to ensure that every day was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
2. When not producing high quality children's programing, Mr. Rogers would travel the country in his Impala killing ghosts and monsters. The show Supernatural is based on his exploits.
3. Mr. Rogers was granted special permission by Congress to establish a sovereign nation of make-believe within the borders of the United States, though convincing the Senate to allow that nation to be a monarchy took substantially more effort.
4. Mr. Rogers had a magical set of keys that could open any door, thus granting him access to all of those dangerous factories and animal cages he seemed to love to visit so often on his show.
5. Mr. Rogers could shrink down to a height of four inches, which allowed him to ride Trolley into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
6. Mr. Rogers's encouragement to love ourselves and each other prevented a militant alien invasion. The aliens were close to Jupiter and were moving in fast when the intercepted an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. They decided that war wasn't the way to go and instead returned home after redirecting an asteroid that would have killed us all years ago.
7. Mr. Rogers never had to deal with unpleasant glares on his TV, windshield or anything else thanks to his polarized corneas.
8. Mr. Rogers could communicate with his fish.
   
9. Mr. Rogers literally did not know the meaning of the word "hate," which helped him stay kind but sometimes made it difficult to explain things to him.
10. Mr. Rogers wrote a lot of songs, this is widely known. What isn't widely known is that if all of Mr. Robers's previously unreleased material were put out on CD, he would have over one hundred times more posthumous albums than 2Pac (currently five, with a possible sixth).

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for Mr. Rogers fans. Fifteen unknown facts from Mental Floss and ten more here. That's 25 unknown facts about Mr. Rogers for you readers today! I hope you enjoyed them as much as we enjoyed growing up with him.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Nikola Tesla

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am slacking lately. I mean, wow. Two days in a row I've missed and one was a Ten Facts Tuesday! To make up for it I'm going to... well, it's hardly anything special. I'm going to do Ten Facts a day late and I'll do another post today. About something. I haven't decided what to research yet. But for now...

Today is Thomas Alva Edison's birthday, and to celebrate, I'm going to write ten commemorative facts about Nikola Tesla. Tesla was the original mad scientist. He invented a form of electricity that not only didn't kill you, but went everywhere and looked cool and made you feel like you had lightning powers. He theorized that with a series of precisely timed explosions, you could split the planet in half. I bet if he'd have lived longer and not lost funding, he'd have built an army of atomic robots. It's the world's loss. 

10 Unknown Facts about Nikola Tesla:

1. The TV show MacGyver was based on Tesla's boyhood shenanigans.
2. Jules Verne not only predicted nuclear submarines, but also Nikola Tesla.
3. Nikola Tesla knows how Ted Mosby met his wife.
4. Nikola Tesla can fly. Seriously. And not with one of his inventions. Just. Fly.
5. By the way, for those of you wondering about the present tense verbs, Tesla totally invented a way to live forever, but his resentment of Edison keeps him from sharing with anyone who's never had an Eagle Talon High Five.
6. Nikola Tesla taught Barney Stinson about meeting women.
7. Nikola Tesla's socks fold themselves.
8. Nikola Tesla is the only person in recorded history to shoot a four-pointer in basketball. 
9. Nikola Tesla formed a rock band with Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde. He was the drummer, and as such, they didn't let him write any songs.
10. Nikola Tesla fired an apple into orbit using a rubber band and a paperclip, which he also invented, though credit was given to someone else.

He was an amazing man, to be sure. So amazing only David Bowie could play him in the movie The Prestige (an homage to Tesla's rock band days. Did I mention he invented rock music too>). So, to celebrate Thomas Edison's birthday, I provided ten amazing facts about his underrated rival. 

You have been informed.

Today I Learn I'm Stupid

Ladies and Gentlemen, I used to think that I had a decent understanding of quality. Today, however, I learned that this cannot be the case. I watched Repo! A Genetic Opera and found it awful. Oh sure, the concept was neat. Financed designer organs being repossessed. It had Anthony Stewart Head of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame. On top of that, this slasher movie starred Sarah Brightman, which totally makes up for the fact that it also stars Paris Hilton. And seriously, who can resist the lure of a musical slasher movie> So I watched it. And I found the acting terrible, the music and lyrics trite and cliche. The plot, too, was, well, bad. It was, in fact, almost completely worthless as a film, especially knowing it was based on a play. 

As I researched this film, however, I learned that I was completely wrong in my judgement. Apparently, this movie is brilliant and is so much better than "all of the 'wannabe' good movies" that Hollywood deems masterpieces. It's crazy how I missed the talent so many other people saw. I thought the lyrics were dull and repetitive and the singing mostly awful (except for Mrs. Brightman, who did the best with what she had), but I must have been mistaken. The songs were clearly "catchy" and the lyrics "deep and beautiful," and I must not have been paying attention well enough. I also missed the part where "Paris Hilton does NOT suck." How did I manage to miss so much quality. I only left the room once for yogurt. Can it be that all of the amazing stuff happened in the forty-five seconds I was out of the room, or perhaps I simply wasn't open enough to the rich subtext of the highly repetitive, uninspired lyrics.

I was not blown away by it, but I can only assume that means that I'm just an "average Joe," one of the "dumb masses" who lacks the mental sophistication to ever "understand something like this," something with "a 'little' more depth" than close-minded people like me can grasp. I guess it's my fault. I must not have been intelligent enough to understand this "gothic MASTERPIECE!" the way the guy on the internet with no concept of appropriate capitalization or run-on sentences did, or I would have enjoyed it, "guarantied."

I apologize for dwelling so heavily on my short-comings today. It's always hard when you find out from the brilliant movie critics of the internet that you're an idiot.

You have been informed.

Music and Dance Soothe the Savage Beast

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have previously stated the importance of dancing to human existence. Singing, it seems, is likewise important, particularly to those of a violent bent. After all, were not rival gangs the Sharks and Jets both trained in jazz-tap and vocal performance> This trend continues with Stewie Griffin's penchant for song and Hannibal Lecter's love for opera. Tomorrow evidence of a new breed of musical madman hits the digital archives. A DVD containing posts from the nefarious supervillain Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog will be available, presumably to help the public remain informed in the event of a villainous attack. 

It makes me wonder what all of the singing is for. Perhaps a good vibrato is the key to an evil laugh. They say that students of music tend to perform better at math, and a good villain should be well versed in all sciences, chemistry, atomic, pseudo, or otherwise. The music, then, would help them plot better. Or perhaps like V (you know, the one with the vendetta), they just feel it fulfills their need for the dramatic. After all, you can't dress in a flashy costume and take a name like "Mister Malcontent" without wanting some kind of attention. Music and dance, it would seem, appeal to the villainous psyche. A soft shoe and a hard heart go hand it gloved, cane-holding hand. Rock stars add to the evidence, for though they aren't as musically talented when it comes to melody and timing, rhythm and arpeggios, they also aren't as evil as your typical criminal mastermind. Crime and evil, then, must be bedfellows with song and dance. No wonder Cromwell wanted to shut down the theatres. Perhaps there is evidence that they were breeding grounds of sin and vice after all. So next time your child asks to take ballet or voice lessons, make sure she isn't planning a bank job first.

You have been informed.

Just a Minor Truth Today

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is no great earth shaking truth, I'm sharing today. It's simply an ordinary every day truth, but extracted from a whimsical lie. Many of you are no doubt familiar with Deep Blue Something's classic one hit about attempting to save a failing relationship through similar tastes in movies. It was a little song called "Breakfast at Tiffany's." The song was fun and catchy, but it didn't really feel like the end of a relationship. It felt like naive optimism, that both parties liking the same Audrey Hepburn movie would save the relationship. Olde English (not the malt liquor) has done their research and reconstructed the way the inspiring break-up actually went in an attempt to correct this long standing, much beloved mid-1990s musical hoax.



You have been informed.