Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure by now you've all heard about the shoe thrower but surely there must be more to the story. After all, in a region of the world as notorious for hating George W. Bush as much as the Democratic National Convention, the question is how is a person so dissatisfied that he'll risk the repercussions of assaulting a world leader but commit an act of such low effectiveness that at best is considered a mild annoyance? He threw two shoes at the leader of the United States. That could lead to some heavy consequences for something that is clearly easy to dodge. What message is he sending? "I hate you so much that I'll potentially spend the rest of my life in prison for attacking you, but I don't really want to hurt you." No... that much dissatisfaction will usually net you at least a knife wound if not a suspicious letter with a white powdery substance. But a pair of size ten loafers?
Here's the truth, and believe me, I was as shocked to learn it as you were. That wasn't George W. Bush. It wasn't even human. People attack people with bullets and knives and bombs. What do people attack with shoes? Bugs. Insects. The attacker was attempting a projectile squish. It all makes so much sense. Looking back on the last eight years, you have to ask, "How can one human being possibly screw up this badly?" One human being can't. But one human sized insect in disguise can. Shortly after being elected, oversized insects from below the earth replaced the president with a giant ant disguised as Dubya sent on a mission to destroy the surface dwellers whose walking and dancing keeps them up all night. It explains his abominable speech patterns. English is a second language to insects and as such they don't have all of our grammar, pronunciations, and idioms down, leading to all of these "Bushisms" we know and love. Further, it vindicates Doctor Cynthia Kenyon's work. She created the army of super worms to attack the bugs where they live: underground. Alas, if only Doctor Kenyon, the man who threw a shoe at "Bush," and I could have made this discovery years ago, the world could have been a much better place.
You have been informed.