The Somali Economy and You

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems every time we turn on the news or open the paper, we find another report of yet another naval incursion by Somali pirates. We shun Somalia; we question their lawlessness. In actuality, however, we should encourage Somalia. After all, the nation has been devastated by internal struggles since it gained its independence in 1960 (along with many other African nations). It's been plagued by one ineffectual government after another. In fact, Somalia's GNP is less than the net worth of at least eighty individuals on the face of the earth, including Bill Gates. That's right. Bill Gates could buy Somalia if he felt so inclined, and still have enough money left over to buy all of its neighbors. In fact, research shows that a large percentage of Somalia's money comes from Somali ex-patriots wiring money to friends and family in the motherland.

What does this have to do with pirates? Thank you for asking, hypothetical reader. With a sizable portion of Somalia's GNP coming from outside of the nation, the country clearly lacks for reliable exports with which to locally sustain its own economy. Somalia does have some agrarian capabilities--bananas are one of their major, one of their only for that matter, exports. These farms, however, provide only 40% of the nation's income. That's forty percent of 5.7 billion dollars, or roughly 2.28 billion dollars from these crops. Somali needed to explore new potential exports. As a coastal country, the fishing industry was a possibility and were it not for the incursion of foreign ships, may very well have been a lucrative one at that. However, being outfished by foreign nations, Somalia had to turn its eyes to the only other logical potential aquatic export: pirates.

Historically, England, France, Spain, China, even the U.S. (or the colonies, to be more accurate) to a lesser degree all possessed markets for pirates. It seemed a wise investment. They could start a pirate industry and sell their pirates to these other countries. Unfortunately for Somalia, the global demand for pirates has dwindled in recent centuries. Upon trying to export their pirates to other countries, Somalia often found foreign nations actively refusing to import the pirates, driving them away at the borders of their waters with large gunboats. Somalia, being thus discouraged, set out to prove the quality of their pirates as both a commodity and an investment.

Currently, Somali pirates control between ten and twenty foreign vessels and several hundred sailors with an average ransom of two million dollars. They're attempting to show the safe return on an investment in Somali Piratestm. After all, these pirates have secured over one billion dollars resale value of merchandise (20% of Somalia's GNP), which can then be resold, adding to a nation's exports, or these ships can be ransomed for a net gain of upwards of fifty million dollars! It's a remarkable return for one's investment in piracy, considering the costs of conducting piracy operations are considerably lower. It's a safer investment than the stock market! Further, cultivating a national pirate industry not only creates jobs and alternative export possibilities, it also promotes economic growth in related industries, such as ship and weapons manufacture, and adds hostages to a nation's list of profitable exports. It's a huge growth industry!

The international community is putting a lot of pressure on Somalia for its pirate industry, but really, we should admire them. They're a country that's truly looking outside the box during these hard economic times for unexplored, reliable means of generating income. Demand may be down for their products and services, but at least they're trying. Further, with the popularity of pirates in film and television growing, it's only a matter of time before demand also rises, which will increase the price for a good pirate. We, as a nation, should invest now before the price per pirate becomes unreasonable. We should encourage this sort of creative problem solving by demanding our senators push to help a struggling third world nation out by purchasing Somali Piratestm of our own. France and England can join suit and we can shake it up like the old days. After all, when was the last time we had a really good naval battle? Fifty, sixty years ago? Too long.

Invest in pirates. They'll turn this economy around.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

In which we all fail at something

Ladies and Gentlemen, some days you just can't win. I've yet to earn an Eagle Talon High Five despite many attempts. Perhaps it's like dating. If you go looking for a girl, you'll never find one, but whenever you give up the hard search and just let the drunk ones stumble into your life, you're bound to find one eventually. So perhaps I should wait until I see a drunken eagle, do something moderately impressive, and then hope that's enough to sway his or her impaired judgment.

I likewise failed to make the MSNBC 11 Lamest Blogs on the Internet. Sure they're lame, but at lest they're recognized for some kind of achievement. Maybe next year.

In other news of failure, those wacky pirates we've been seeing all the time these past few months have failed yet again. No, it wasn't a botched hostage situation or stealing something they can't sell. No, this time, they failed to outrun a cruise ship. A CRUISE SHIP! A ship whose purpose is to go slow, to get places at a relaxing leisurely pace. Really, pirates? Are you guys even trying anymore? And what were you going to do? Sneak into the magic show for free? Take all the caviar in the buffet so no one else can have any? You, sirs, fail. I don't think I can ever dress up as a pirate for Halloween again. I have to say, given the current state of piracy these days, ninjas win hands down EVERY time.

Also, my friend's roommate failed at robbing my friend and other roommates. He reported the house being stolen before actually getting everything out, leaving an awkward moment in which my friend rushes home from out of town upon hearing news he's been robbed only to find most of the stuff reported missing still there. Further, the guy left evidence everywhere, gave a really flimsy story to the police, and left notes from his friends lying around asking when he was going to sell said stolen goods, which they were holding for him. You sir, suck worse at your job than the average modern pirate. And thank goodness, for my buddy's sake.

What we've learned today is if you must fail, you may as well do it today and get it over with. Today feels like a good day for failure.

You have been informed.

Will Pirates Never Learn...

Ladies and Gentlemen, those wacky pirates are at it again. You may remember that long stand-off between the U.S. Navy and pirates onboard the hijacked boat carrying all those weapons (all those weapons the pirates didn't use in their defense). Well, this new breed of inept buccaneer is at it again. This time, they've captured a super-tanker of oil from Saudi Arabia.

Seriously. Look, pirates. It's high time you start taking this job seriously and stop grabbing every boat you see going past. First you took a ship full of guns that you didn't use to defend yourself and kept backing down from your threats for weeks and weeks before finally letting yourselves be captured. Now you've captured a tanker whose contents become decreasingly valuable every day. I hope you learned your lesson from the last prolonged hijacking, because if you don't move those crude oil goods quick, you'll be lucky to sell the oil for enough money to buy your old boat back. 

Remember, pirates. This isn't a hobby. It's not a game. It's a hard work job that requires you put in the training and the man hours to do it right or you'll just get crushed by the competition, who happens to be a modern navy with heavily armed warships. I assure you, the merger will be a hostile takeover. So act straight, or learn to ask if people want fries with that, because you are wholly unsuited for your current career choice. But then, that's kids today. Expecting everything to be easy and thinking everyone should just give them what they want without doing any work for it. **sigh**

You have been informed.

No work ethic these days...

Ladies and Gentlemen, these days I find myself increasingly saddened by the state of the youth of the world today with their iPods and their internet and their downloading and their texting. They never learn any principles. They never learn the value of hard work. They get lazy. They never learn to do their jobs right. They never learn to do anything if they think they can get some piece of technology to do it for them.

Case in point:

The Somali pirates have taken over a ship filled with arms and demand a ransom of they'll blast the boat to Davey Jones's Locker. What's wrong with these guys? Pirates? Hardly.

Do you see any sails on that boat? Nope. That's right. They never learned to sail. "Oh, I'm a modern pirate. Why would I need a sail if I can just use a motor? Then I don't have to learn any stupid knots." Newsflash: You're a pirate. It's not like people are going to line up to let you pump gas at their boat docks. And what if you need to lay low? Wouldn't it be nice to know you can go out to sea and know that you can go whereever you need without having to stop for fuel in some port where you know people are looking to capture you?

Do any of these pirates carry swords, cutlasses, scimitars, or other blades? Oh no. They've got guns. "I'm such a lazy pirate I won't even walk over to you to do you in. I certainly won't learn to use a sword, which will never run out of ammo during a proper pillage, because guns are newer than swords so they must be better." Wrong again, buddy. What if it's a big ship with a lot of crew onboard? Do you have enough rounds for that? As I said, the sword won't run out of ammo. What if you miss a shot and cause a fuel leak or make something explode? That's much less likely with a sword. Or maybe you need to work quietly. A sword is ALWAYS more silent than a gun. And suppose that, oh, I don't know, being out at sea you catch some fish to eat. Maybe a nice marlin or a tuna. Will that gun help you clean it? Nope, but a sword will. Learn to use the sword. You're not caving to tradition, you're being smart.

Blow up the ship? What? In the old days, pirates had to fence their stolen goods to make their money. Nope, I guess pirates today are just too lazy to sell goods that practically sell themselves in many parts of the world: guns. Instead they're going to blow up the ship if they don't get paid. And did you notice how they said they'd blow up the ship with them still on it? As if the law will say, "Oh no! Don't kill the pirates!" And did you notice how they backed down from their initial price? Evidently, they've been holding it ransom for weeks! No work ethic! To lazy to follow through on their own threats. Too wishy-washy to make any kind of stand. If they had paid attention during orientation and training, they could have just sailed away with the goods and made off with several million by fencing the goods themselves. But they failed to learn the required skills for the job and now they have the navy coming down on them. I bet they don't even have a plan to board and capture a navy ship...

I tell ya. Kids today just don't want to learn a trade properly.

You have been informed.