Robots Don't Know It's Not Bacon

Ladies and Gentlemen, a robot designed to identify meats and cheeses and wines have identified human flesh as bacon. I don't believe I need to explain how serious it is that our long-foretold enemies have declared our flesh to be tastiest of the breakfast meats...

You have been informed/warned.

Science Outpaces Intelligence!

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we continue our effort to make up for lost time, I share with you this disturbing bit of news. For ages, man has feared that the pace at which science and technology grows exceeds the pace at which man's wisdom and intellect, man's ability to make ethical decisions grows. They thought we had reached the outpacing point when we developed the atomic bomb. We'd built a bomb that could level a city, but were we ready to wield that awesome power, to make the kinds of decisions needed to use those bombs responsibly? Instances like that really make us do a cost-benefit analysis on science and technology, but they pale in comparison to the gap between science and reason in this latest technological development. In the past, the question was "Are we morally ready for this innovation?"

Now the question is "Are we intelligent enough to invent this technology in the first place, let alone use it?"

The answer, in this case, is a resounding no. We have officially technologically outpaced ourselves.

I submit to you for your consideration the Big Dog robot.



We've built an advanced robot that looks and moves nothing like a dog and called it a Big Dog. We needn't ask if we're ready for such a robot. The answer is clearly no. These scientists evidently don't even know what dogs look like, and we let them build robots? If anything, it looks and sounds like a bug, and moves like a deer. If these scientists were intelligent and intellectually ready for an innovation like this, they would have named it the Big Bug Deer. But they called it the Big Dog.

And then they kicked it, so clearly they aren't ready for it. They weren't intelligent enough to name it properly, and then they kicked it, showing they clearly don't realize it's unethical to kick a dog, even if it is robotic. Not to sound like a Luddite or seem like I'm siding with Oliver Cromwell or anything, but I think it's time we put the kibosh on technological discovery until we can at least identify common animals and stop abusing robots. After all, robot abuse is always the first step toward robot enslavement/annihilation of humanity.



As further proof that robots are becoming increasingly self-aware, we have reference above to the robo-boogie and this video of robots dancing.



And we all know that according to my modified version of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, dancing is an essential step to self-actualization, the epitome of self-awareness.

Tread more cautiously, science. You're treading in dangerous waters that you aren't mentally ready for.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

Why I Don't Trust Renee Zellweger

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the longest time, I've found myself put off by Renee Zellweger. I couldn't place my finger on what exactly. Perhaps it's her overall lack of talent or perhaps the "Bugger off, I'm Renee Zellweger" better-than-you air that surrounds her. Either way, for years I've found myself avoiding any movie she's involved with (the exception, of course, being Empire Records because Mark and Lucas are just that cool). Today I figured out why my instincts told me not to listen to her.

She's not human.

Let's look at her face, shall we. 

You see that face. It's the same face you always see on her. That "I just ate a lemon and I am confused by everything" face. 

The only logical reason for her to have this face on at ALL times is if she has, in fact, always just eaten a lemon and is, in fact, confused by everything. You see, lemon juice is an acid. A person cannot consume so much acid without causing a serious imbalance in the digestive system. That is, of course, unless her body chemistry is much more acidic than a human body. You see, blood is basic. Not that it's a simple thing, but it is a base, and bases neutralize acids. As such, Miss Zellweger must consume additional acids to counteract the bases pumping through her system. Still, a human does not find his body's blood neutralizing all of his acids. 

Why would blood, which should be in her body, act against the body carrying it> Because her body is synthetic. She's an android with real, though grown and grafted, flesh covering her mechanical insides, much like the Terminator. Thus the blood, though necessary to feed the grafted skin tissue, then, is not natural to her body. As such, it attacks and neutralizes the acids in her body. Battery acids. She must consume large quantities of lemon, then, to counteract the anti-acidic properties of the blood's basic nature. The constant influx of lemon juice prevents the accelerated wear on her batteries.

This also explains her constant state of confusion. The reason androids disguise themselves as human, the only reason I've ever seen, is to learn about us, to gain information, or as it's called in military applications, intelligence. She's working for those robots trying to figure us out. Trying to bring us down. We need Edward Furlong and Christian Bale to immediately drop her post haste. And they should probably take out Schwarzenegger too. Sure he's governor of California and all, but on at least three different occasions he's portrayed a robot bent on world domination. Ergo, he can't be trusted either.

You have been informed.

Robot Armies

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember just a post ago when I was talking about Tesla and atomic robots> It looks like we will be having that robot army with or without everyone's favorite Mad Scientist. At first, I find myself thrilled by this prospect. I grew up salivating over anything with robots, the bigger the better. Battletech, Robotech, Voltron, Transformers, even Robot Jox and Space Balls. How amazing, then, would it be to have real armies of real giant robots flying through space and fighting like 50' mechanical ninjas with rocket launchers> Can you imagine anything more awesome> I submit to you that you cannot.

Still, reading the article, I can't help but be concerned, worried even. No, I'm not concerned about an "inevitable rise" of "super intelligent AIs." We have the Three Laws to keep us safe in the case of automatons. Likewise, I'm not afraid of enslavement in a virtual world by robots who offered us paradise only to have our psyches unable to accept it. No, what concerns me is nothing less than science and "reason" defecating all over a childhood, nay, a lifetime worth of dreams. 

The reason for creating this army of robots is thus: "reduced casualties."

Reduced casualties. Reduced casualties> That means people don't get killed. Sure that sounds nice and wonderful, but let's consider this, shall we> If people don't get killed, then people can't possibly be piloting them. I'm sorry, but I don't know that I can live in a world with giant walking war machines if I can't hop in the cockpit and dispense some massive mechanical justice. You know what happens when you make giant robots with no pilot> They hunt down all of your super heroes. That's what. And that's also a world I can't abide.

Robot armies: good. Robot armies that I can't pilot: bad.

Call your Congressman (or other elected official) and let them know, casualties be damned. We want giant robots that we can ride in.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Cher!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Ten Facts Tuesday! This week, at the urging of my fiancee and her sister, I've done a little digging into the life of Cher, famous for being almost naked at any age and belting out hits you can dance to in electrical tape and fishnet stockings. What say we get to that list, shall we?

10 Unknown Facts About Cher:

1. Cher does not believe in life after love, or anything for that matter. She bases her ideas exclusively on scientific method.
2. Cher is actually C.H.E.R., which stands for Cybernetic Humanoid Engineered for Reconnaissance. Built by the NSA to retrieve P.O.W.s in Vietnam, she turned to singing following the end of the war as a way to keep up the expensive maintenance and name brand spark plugs.
3. When slowed down to extremely slow speeds, it is revealed that Cher's vibrato is actually hyper condensed messages revealing extraterrestrial secrets. Thus, it is no coincidence the sudden surge in technological innovation since the seventies.
4. Cher can make vegan quiche, but doesn't due to her deep seated fear of the anti-omnivores.
   
5. Cher once beat Deep Blue at chess using only her pawns.
6. Cher's strength is doubled in the presence of sailor suits. The wearer need not actually be a sailor.
7. Cher can karate chop a broken board back together.
8. Cher can control goldfish with her mind.
9. Cher's imaginary friends are real.
10. Cher had a shotgun grafted into her arm to insure her preparedness when the Zombie Plague hits.

I hope you, having just read the list, feel as enlightened as I do, having just written it.

You have been informed.