Sunday, June 14, 2009

10 Unknown Facts about Bill Nye

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am terribly late. Again. It's a recurring theme around here as I draw closer and closer to the wedding. So much to do. And the guest list is so political. "I want to invite him, but if I do, I have to invite her as well, and I'm not such a big fan of her." You know how it goes. To make it even more difficult for me to get this list out, I chose Bill Nye. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Bill Nye, the Science Guy, but he's pretty freakin' awesome. "Surely," I thought to myself, "This is a man who deserves a Ten Unknown Facts list."

"I agree wholeheartedly," I replied, "and don't call me Shirley."

"Stop making cliche references to Airplane!" I chided.

"I'm sorry. I suppose I'd better get back to that list."

"Yes, I suppose I should."

And then I began work on the list. And I uncovered ten facts. Then ten more. Then a dozen more. There were so many things this man could do I had a difficult time narrowing the list down to just ten. It was a monumental task, and I did what most Americans would do when faced with a monumental task. I avoided it. Then I decided to do something else. So instead of doing a list of ten amazing things the nigh omnipotent Bill Nye can do, I decided instead to list ten things he couldn't do, and that, my friends, produced a much shorter list. I therefore present to you...

10 Things Bill Nye Can't Do:
  1. Bill Nye can't understand prime numbers, but can understand composite numbers with only prime factors. For instance, when doing a show for VH1, for his benefit, they referred to the network as VH(9-8).
  2. Bill Nye can't make grilled cheese sandwiches. He can make grilled sandwiches. He can make cheese sandwiches. But he can't make grilled cheese sandwiches.
  3. Bill Nye is unable to hate anything. As such, his DVR is full of shows most of us wouldn't even consider watching.
  4. Bill Nye can't talk to the dead, but he can exchange e-mails with them.
  5. Bill Nye can't divulge the meaning of life, but he knows it just the same.
  6. Bill Nye can't seem to beat level seven of the original NES Super Mario Brothers without losing a life.
  7. Bill Nye can't die by conventional means. In other words, he is immune to the top 15 causes of death, but should cancer ever drop off that list, he can die from it.
  8. Bill Nye can't watch Office Space without laughing.
  9. Bill Nye can't negate Don King's lightning powers.
  10. Bill Nye can't believe it's not butter.
I don't know about you, but I feel very relieved to know that there are some things even Bill Nye can't do. It gives us a little reassurance when we fail at things.

You hvae been informed.

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