Friday, July 31, 2009

The Zombies Can Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.

That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.
  • They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
  • They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
  • They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
  • They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
  • They will be loud and annoying.
  • They will be coordinated.
  • They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
  • They will strike with coordinated military precision.
  • They will be self-aware.
I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Molemen Housing Market And 10 Things You Should Know

Ladies and Gentlemen, the wedding ceremony is over, the move is for the most part complete and I can settle back into a routine. You know... before the school year starts next week. It'll be a very short routine, I guess. Still, I had to share this important bit of news from Canada. I was checking CNN's website and I saw this video.

There was no audio, so I knew they were trying to hide something from me. All I saw were large, house-sized holes in the middle of a Toronto high way. Officials are calling them "sinkholes," but really I believe they are signs that the mole men housing market--and thus economy--are on the rebound. Clearly, there's such a demand for housing in the subterranean world that contractors no longer have the manpower or resources to completely fill the need. So what do they do? They cut corners. They steal resources from us surface dwellers. A couple thousand square feet of prime Toronto asphalt should make a great foundation for a home, yes? A little excavation and it's all theirs.

But never fear. They aren't stealing entire houses, which means you should have no fear of them stealing your home. They aren't really into Tudor styles or California stuccos anyway. All they want is the foundation. No harm, no foul.

You may be wondering how I can possibly say "no harm" when there are gaping holes in Canadian highways. Simple. This sort of behavior is good for us in several ways.
  • It creates construction work jobs.
  • It means the mole people are leading more domestic lifestyles right now. More babies and college funds and less doom and gloom.
  • A vibrant mole people economy prevents inflation in ours. After all, when they do well, they invest in technologies that let them hold cities for ransom, which in turn takes money out of an economy flooded with stimulus and bailouts. We get the perks of extra money jolted into the economy without the drawbacks of it staying there.
  • With the mole people housing market on the rise, now is a fantastic time to improve your portfolio by investing in subterranean real estate.
That being said, I thought I'd share a list of ten facts to keep in mind during this Mole Man Housing Boom.

10 Unknown Facts about the Mole Man Housing Market
  1. When things are bad, the market isn't bottoming out, it's hitting surface. In Mole People economies, up/top is bad, down/bottom is good.
  2. Don't invest in lumber. Wood rots underground. They like to build with stone and clay.
  3. Mole people live communally. Don't even think your plan for studio apartments will work.
  4. Contrary to popular belief, mole people don't like earthtones. They get them enough as it is. Think blues, pinks, and purples.
  5. Don't bother with walk-in closets. They all wear the same uniform. They don't need a lot of space for their wardrobes.
  6. If someone tries to sell you Carlsbad Caverns, don't buy it. It's just like someone up here trying to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.
  7. If someone tries to sell you Mammoth Caverns, don't buy it. Bad neighborhood. You'll only lose money on your investment.
  8. The standard for their currency is Atari game cartridges. There was a brief period of massive inflation in 1988 when molemen miners and prospectors in Texas discovered a huge cache of E.T. and Pacman cartridges.
  9. It's dark down there, but don't being a flashlight to read those mortgage papers. They'll take the bright light as an assault, which leads to showtrials in kangaroo courts and public executions. Instead, ask to take the papers home to look over for a night. It's much safer.
  10. If you meet the Mole Princess, she will invariably fall in love with you and betray her tyrant father. If you cannot avoid meeting her, make sure your deals are closed first. All out war between surface dwellers and mole people tends to gum up the works of business transactions (though if you win, you might just get that property for free).
Hopefully with this knowledge, some of you will be able to pull yourselves out of this economic crisis we're in and make a bright shiney future for yourself. I've given you the tools to be the next subterranean real estate tycoon. What you do with it is your choice.

You have been informed.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Robots Don't Know It's Not Bacon

Ladies and Gentlemen, a robot designed to identify meats and cheeses and wines have identified human flesh as bacon. I don't believe I need to explain how serious it is that our long-foretold enemies have declared our flesh to be tastiest of the breakfast meats...

You have been informed/warned.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

See what happens when you step away for a week or two?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my extended absence, but the wedding is finally over. I finally have a little time to post. Before I move. Next week. Sigh...

But oh dear heavens what has happened in my absence? I step away from researching for a couple of weeks and suddenly it's nothing but news news news. I haven't had time to research, but I can posit a few theories behind each event.

The most common news element? Celebrity deaths.

Since my last post, we've lost David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
My guess: VH1 is filming the next season of the Surreal Life in the afterlife.

There was a military coup in Honduras. Former president forbidden to return. Former president vows to return some time around Saturday.
My guess: President forgot to help with the dishes. The Military felt unappreciated, because the President didn't even say thank you after the Military did all of the dishes. They argue. The President brought up something that the Military did early in their relationship when they were having a break that he swore long ago he'd forgiven her for and he'd never bring up again. The Military started crying, called him an insensitive jerk, slapped him, and told him to leave the apartment and never come back. The President has been sleeping on his buddy's couch, vowing to go back "after the Military has had a little time to cool off." The Military has been on the phone with its mother, and has filed a restraining order against the President.

A place crashes, and only one woman survives.
My Guess: Really? We've all seen Unbreakable. I think we all know what her story is.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to go sign a lease now for an apartment about 150 miles away from here. Then the packing starts.

You have been informed.