Tuesday, September 30, 2008

10 Unknown Facts about: Chairman Mark Decascos

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can't speak for you, but I personally love Iron Chef America. To the point where I decided this week that I would research The Chairman Mark Decascos for our little Ten Facts Tuesday. I was quite surprised by what I discovered. So, without further adieu, I present to you...

10 Unknown Facts about The Chairman Mark Decascos.
  1. Mark is just a stage name. His first name really is The Chairman. His middle name is Periwinkle.
  2. The Chairman can slow roast a 12 pound turkey in twenty minutes. For this, he is not allowed to participate in the one hour challenge.
  3. The Chairman can chop a subcompact car in half with his hand or a knife. He's not picky.
  4. The Chairman is never surprised by the surprise ingredient.
  5. The Chairman once catered a tea party for the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Door Mouse.
  6. The Chairman can parallel park a perpendicular line.
  7. The Chairman can hold his breath for three hours.
  8. The Chairman cannot tell a lie. If he does, the terrorists really do win.
  9. Contrary to popular belief, the Chairman was not named for Mao Ze Dong. His parents just liked chairs. A lot.
  10. When playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with The Chairman, his scissors will always beat whatever you throw.
There's a little something to think about next time you watch him reveal a plate full of kelp with all the urgency of a man on fire. The Chairman is far more than simply a man with a flair for lifting lids.

You have been informed.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Saved by Obesity

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that dark forces are afoot. In 1996 Sauron, it seems has somehow broken free of his cycle of ever increasing impotence following the loss of the the One Ring, presumably through some strange pity from Morgoth. He has since made Another Ring to corrupt men's souls. Sauron craftily hid the Another Ring in packaging of one of the thousands of packages of fake One Rings sold in fan boy magazines (prior to the movie's release. It was a book, remember). Someone in the world now possesses a ring of such corrupting power as to turn the slightest vice to all out damnation. But we only need mildly fear. For George Lucas found the Another Ring and it seems the ring simply doesn't fit his big fingers. However, its power still influences, still bends his will toward evil. Hence the massive suck of the new Star Wars movies, each an increasingly disgusting attempt at more money (Clone Wars? Come on!)

You have been informed

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Why Sarah Palin's Cheese Steak affects YOUR life

Ladies and Gentlemen, I saw a video on CNN that seemingly had zero news content other than the fact that Sarah Palin knows how to say "How are you?" and that she allegedly likes cheesesteak. Clearly, there must be some subtext to this video because I saw absolutely nothing newsworthy on first viewing. So we should break this video down to its bits.
  • She says "How are you?" five times and only waits for an answer two times.
  • When asked if she ordered the cheesesteak, she says "I wouldn't miss it."
  • She is given two t-shirts by the owner of the diner, says thank you, and then gives them away as soon as he walks off.
  • She gets her picture taken.
So where's the secret meaning? The phrase "how are you" is three words of three letters each. In the first bit, she asks it three times without ever changing the way she says it, as though it were a secret password. If the devil is 666, then this may be suggesting she is, in fact, a half devil.

However, she waits for an answer twice. We can't hear the first guy's reply, but the second guy asks her about the cheese steak. Clearly that is the followup passcode, because she then confirms whatever heinous activity they are up to. "I wouldn't miss it." She says. Now Phillidelphia is famous for being the birthplace of our nation and for it's cheesesteaks. Therefore, "cheese steak" is almost certainly code for "U.S. Government" or perhaps simply "the U.S.A." She says she wouldn't miss it. She has plans for if she takes office, and since she said she wouldn't miss it, and vice-president is hardly an in charge of the government position, I think it's safe to say, she anticipates McCain not being president for long. If only we could hear the answer to the fourth time she asked, we could know how she planned to take out McCain.

For more insight into her sinister plan, we must examine the t-shirt exchange. The owner of the shirts, in this case representing the trust and good will of the American people, gives her two shirts, obviously representing the two roles she plans to play, vice-president and actual president. She comments on how hard he works and how many hours he puts in. She's aware of how very hard Americans work just to keep their bills paid and how much trust and faith their giving her (two shirts). However, when his back is turned, she gives the shirts away, and how? She turns to the two closest people, considers giving one to each and then at the last second pulls the first shirt away from one of the women, the bigger one, and gives it to the one who is dressed nicer. In other words, as soon as our back is turned, she'll sell out our trust in a heartbeat, but like any mercenary, only to those who will pay.

The two photo shots represent two-dimensional she is and how two-faced we can expect her to be.

To recap: She's half devil, she plans on taking over the presidency, almost certainly through some immoral means, and she plans on screwing over the working poor to please the wealthy. In other words, she'll be just another typical politician.

And to think I thought you might just be a super hero, Sarah Palin. I do believe you may have been a villain instead. Lucky for us, McCain is still a loose-canon cop who plays by his own rules. You'll have a hard time taking him out.

You have been informed

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Superman and Clark Kent are WHAT?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been researching the article I shared about Superman few days ago. I couldn't fathom it. Surely the hero I grew up with could not possibly be a sadistic devourer of human flesh. I used my police contacts to take a look at the investigation files to see if I might uncover the truth. After several days pouring over the details, I found a few similarities between the alleged attacks.
  1. The victim is always male.
  2. The victim is always approximately 6'6"
  3. The victim is always of above average build.
  4. The victim always wears glasses.
  5. The victim always has dark hair.
  6. The only evidence ever left behind is clothing, which is never tattered or bloodied.
At first, it seemed to me that perhaps Superman really was some kind of monster. Perhaps he was a serial killer and the above specifications are just the focus of his psychotic tendencies. Who, then, could he be eternally getting revenge on, eternally devouring one proxy at a time? I was stumped. There could be so many people. It's not that uncommon a description, I suppose. The answer came while reading the Daily Planet for clues. Reporter Clark Kent wrote an editorial defending the Man of Steel. Beside the article was a small photograph of the journalist. I think you can guess his appearance: male, dark hair, glasses, above average build, fairly tall. Was this the man Superman was indirectly seeking some revenge on?

It didn't fit. Sure the description did. Kent was a perfect candidate for the phone booth buffet, appearance wise, but what cause could the man of tomorrow have to hate this reporter who ceaselessly defends him? Is it some long buried grudge? Or perhaps, deep down, Superman is tired of being idolized, tired of his oh-too-perfect image. So many possibilities. The truth was one I never even considered.

I had to know more about this Clark Kent, so I began reading through his old articles. Checking on his whereabouts while Superman is around, trying to find some slight that he may have committed. Why this man? As it turns out, Kent is never too far from Superman. It's generally accepted around Metropolis that the two are friends. Could this be an old high school grudge? I needed to investigate more. Here's what I found.
  1. Clark Kent is often in the area when Superman appears.
  2. Clark Kent's clothes can often be found around the Daily Planet when Superman appears.
  3. Clark Kent has an unusually strong attachment to defending and writing praises about Superman.
  4. Clark Kent can allegedly get messages to and from Superman whenever he needs to.
  5. Clark Kent and Superman are, as previously stated, "friends."
  6. Clark Kent and Superman are never seen in the same place at the same time.
I don't believe that Superman is eating people. The similarities among the "victims" and the behavior patterns of Clark Kent suggest that he is always the person in the phone booth, and yet he is clearly not dead.

You want to know what I think? I think that Clark Kent and Superman are a couple. They're gay lovers. Let's fit these puzzle pieces together to better understand the relationship. Whenever Superman appears, it seems Clark Kent gets naked. His clothes can be found in closets and bathrooms all throughout the Daily Planet and probably all throughout Metropolis. Closets and bathrooms have long been the love nests for illicit affairs. True, a secret rendezvous every time Superman is needed seems a bit excessive, but when your life is in the state of perpetual danger that the Man of Steel lives in, every battle could be your last. It's a bittersweet act of love-making, a possible goodbye every time they meet in those phone booths. We know that Kent can contact Superman whenever he needs to. What lover wouldn't be able to contact his or her significant other when needed? Clark praises his hero so much in the papers because he can't stand attacks on the man he loves, especially when he knows the truth.

But why avoid each other? I think the answer to this is obvious. They don't want to reveal their secret romance. Were the two to be in public together, their loving glances would no doubt betray that the two are more than "just friends." Further, Kansas is still a homophobic state, legislation-wise. Even in the more open-minded city of Metropolis, coming out, especially figures as public as Superman and Clark Kent, could be disastrous for both career and social comfort. And so, they must continue to love in the dark.

To double check this theory, I ran it by Lois Lane, Clark Kent's co-worker and long time Superman supporter. She said it "makes sense. He [Superman] never seemed to accept my advances and Clark's attempts to woo me always came off as too wholesome and scripted." She also commented that Superman did strike her as at least something of a narcissist. "You don't wear form fitting spandex like that unless you want people to gaze at your form," she added. She concluded that that would probably be why he chose Clark. The two are the same size, the same build, same hair, same face. The only real difference is the glasses. "It's only natural someone so into himself would be attracted to someone nigh identical to him."

And so we put to rest another falsehood, the cannibalistic nature of Superman, and reveal a new truth, the love between reporter and hero. Next time you see the emblem on Superman's chest, remember that it used to be an upside down triangle, his silent plea with the world to accept his homosexuality. So next time you see a piece of anti-gay legislation, vote it down, if not for you, than for Superman.

You have been informed.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Just a few quick notes for you today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I so often bring you news of doom and danger what with the vampires and seals and zombies. Today I have only a very little of that. Today, I shall take a more optimistic tone, for as you will see, the future starts today.

1) Ghosts: Since the dawn of man, ghosts have been a thorn in man's side: refusing to be dead, being invisible, shutting doors, and making us cold. I suspect that currently ghosts are plotting something big. As CNN reported, a ghost was recorded in a gym. This could give us cause for alarm. After all, we don't know why this particular ghost is bulking up. Is he planning some sort of attack or does he simply feel self-conscious after allowing himself to become so pale? Regardless, I will not play the doomsayer in this, but rather look at the positive. We have reached the point technologically where even public sector security cameras can now detect ghosts. The private, classified technologies are no doubt substantially better at ghost detection. Thus, we may not know what they're up to, but rest assured that someone is now keeping tabs on these bumps in the night.

2) Jetpacks: Yves Rossy, a Swiss pilot has successfully flown across the English Channel in a jet pack of his own design. What does this mean to you and me? First, those jet packs we were all promised we'd have by now... we still don't have yet. But another person does, so percentage-wise, that's an enormous increase. If the number of jet packs increases steadily according to the percentage and not the actual raw numbers, we should all have jet packs in no time. That or we should really be concerned for the economy, because Rossy's transit is essentially a wing and an engine. Why can't he afford the rest of the plane? Does this mean we'll all be in go-carts soon? No, no. I said I would remain positive today. Only fifteen more years until we each get our own jet pack. Unless it's more.

3) Aliens: A news crew for MSNBC has been stuck in the arctic for three weeks. It seems on five separate occasions they have been unable to leave the ship patroling the arctic as they reported on the ice free Northwest Passage, which has only been ice free twice in recorded history. Here's the thing. Or rather, here's The Thing, a John Carpenter movie from 1982 in which a team of scientists and one helicopter pilot named R.J. MacReady are stranded in Antarctica with an alien that can take over and perfectly imitate any living thing, which in turn was based on The Thing from Another World from 1951. What I'm getting at is that everyone knows that shape-changing, paranoia-inducing aliens can be found at the polar regions of the world. The first movie was set in the arctic, the second the antarctic. Clearly the thing made its way from one pole to another, perhaps in a rogue iceberg. With global warming, who's to say that such a frozen piece didn't make the trip back and infect the Canadian team the news crew was stationed with?

You may be asking yourself, "Mr. Truth, how is this possibly optimistic of you?" First, the "Canadian" team hasn't "been able" to let the news crew leave. Translation: they news crew hasn't been turned yet. Further, aside from the fact that an iceberg not melting between Antarctica and the North Pole shows global warming can't be that bad, we must consider timelines. The events of the first movie took place in a rather short time. The second movie happened even more quickly, a matter of days. That the news crew has been on an "over loaded" ship in very close proximity with aliens, constantly eating food prepared for them by said extra-terrestrials ("the ship's pastry chef...is trying to kill us slowly with desserts"), and they still have not turned speaks to either a weakening of alien resolve (good for us), or an improved anti-assimilation constitutions in us (still good for us). In other words, if these parasitic creatures can't overtake us in their most ideal conditions, they have no hope of conquering this world any time soon. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is good news.

You have been informed.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Will the U.S. Government Save Us from Vampires?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we are all fully aware of the horrible economic crisis that's lurking in the shadows and under our beds and in our closets and really just about every where you look these days. I personally am working two jobs and can't even afford an apartment (stupid student loans, but that's a topic for another day). Couple this with the huge mortgage bubble bursting and we're looking at some serious economic hard times. But these hard times have more lasting ramifications that most people anticipate. Let's follow this crisis logically to its conclusion, shall we?

  1. The economy is shaky.
  2. People stop buying things in worry.
  3. Business drops off and people aren't working as much anymore.
  4. People make less money and thus have less money to put back into the economy.
  5. The economy becomes shakier.
  6. The price of goods, including groceries, increase.
  7. People have a hard time paying their mortgages. (~10% of mortgages are delinquent or foreclosed)
  8. Mortgage companies fail.
  9. The economy begins its crumble.
  10. People lose jobs.
  11. People lose their homes as they default on mortgages.
  12. Increased homeless population and unemployment rates rise.
That's the direction we're headed. But who's responsible? Some say the federal government for deregulating Wall Street and other businesses, thus allowing the bubble to form in the first place. Others blame the abundance of unsecured credit and the ease of declaring bankruptcy (which has been made more difficult in recent years). Still others blame the ever growing cost of the war in Iraq. I think the truth is far more evil. Who benefits from an increased homeless population? Vampires.
  • FACT: Vampires can't enter a person's home without permission. No home, no problem.
  • FACT: Vampires are repulsed by garlic. With rising food prices, who can afford garlic?
  • FACT: People are selling off their precious metals to pay their bills meaning less silver to fight off, well, werewolves, so maybe that doesn't have to do with vampires, but it does not mean they aren't in league here.
  • FACT: Vampires can't cross running water. It's hard to make a makeshift river if you can't pay your water bill (or don't have a hose).
  • FACT: Vampires tend to look gaunt and sickly. What better disguise that one of the teeming masses of homeless?
Never fear, however. The federal government is working on a solution. The proposed $700 billion dollar bailout could save the housing marking, preventing the surplus homeless population. But will it be enough?

And now that I think of it, could this have been the vampiric plan all along? After all, buying up the foreclosed homes doesn't mean the government won't kick the financially strapped families out anyway. And if the vampires have gained control of the government, does that not mean that the undead themselves own the houses, thus allowing them to enter at least 10% of all homes in the US without requiring permission, thus giving them access to the same people who would have been homeless, only now the blood is healthier and the feeding more discrete? Well played indeed, vampires. Well played indeed.

America, we must fight this. We must band together and do everything in our power to keep our bills paid. Otherwise the vampires win.

You have been informed.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Killer Seals

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have troubling news. It appears that North Korea may be restarting their nuclear development programs. It seems that the IAEA has bowed to the pressure of North Korea and removed surveillance cameras from the nuclear facilities. More importantly, however, they removed the seals. The article glances over the seal bit to focus on the resuming nuclear program, thus drawing our attention from the real danger.

Killer Seals.

No one ever calls off seals. They're trained killers, the lot of 'em. Have you ever been to Sea World or some other aquatic show? Do you see what they can do with those balls using only their noses? Now imagine the awesome power they would possess if they used their flippers. Now imagine that awesome power being used with grenades and throwing knives instead of harmless beach balls. It's a little known fact that seals are referred to as the ninja of the animal kingdom. We've all seen March of the Penguins; we all know they can kill one of those hardy little birds with the slightest effort. Those of us who watched a little documentary on efforts to save a certain corrupt real estate business know how dangerous seals can be. (It was called Arrested Development. Perhaps you've heard of it.)

In the documentary, a man named Buster loses a hand to a seal. The seal then escapes and spends the next several years taunting him using psychological warfare, warning the poor man like the crocodile in Peter Pan, that one day he will return to finish the job.

That is how seals work. They cannot be called off of a job once they start it. They will lurk for years, teasing, taunting, and tormenting before finally striking the fatal blow. They cannot be caught and they cannot be stopped. They're cruel, heartless sadists to the core.

This raises two very important and terrifying thoughts:
  1. How powerful must the IAEA be to call off these seals, which in turn makes us wonder how powerful North Korea must be to make the super powerful IAEA call off an uncalloffable force?
  2. How much more do we have to fear now that the world has irradiated seals on the loose, who have no doubt developed super powers in their time in North Korean reactors?
Perhaps that was the plan all along. The plot was never to stop North Korea from developing nuclear arms. It was to create a weapon of even more massive destruction: the atomic seal. North Korea was just a sham, all smoke and mirrors used by the IAEA to expose already powerful seals to radiation to create the ultimate weapon all with the approval of the U.N. After all, on the surface, they were protecting us, right? They put the seals on guard over the plant to prevent a doomsday device from being built. Oh how young and naive we were. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we now live in a world of super seals. Heaven help us all.

You have been informed

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

10 Unknown Facts: Vegas Showdown Edition

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Ten Facts Tuesday (I know last week I did it on a Wednesday, but that was because it was about Wil Wheaton and I couldn't resist the alliteration. I mean, come on Ten Facts Tuesday or Wil Wheaton Wednesday?). I digress.

While in Biloxi, Mississippi not long ago, I saw that both Wayne Newton and Don King, both Vegas icons, would both be at the same casino at the same time: the Beau Rivage. I did some investigating into the two of them. Here is what I found.

10 Unknown Facts about Wayne Newton:
1) Wayne Newton can turn invisible at will.
2) Wayne Newton built a time machine so he could watch himself perform to see what all the fuss was about.
3) Wayne Newton consumes three times his body weight in exotic cheeses per day.
4) Wayne Newton can not only write equally well with both hands, but also with both feet.
5) Wayne Newton is immortal as long as he does not stray too far from the Holy Grail.
6) At the age of three, Wayne Newton shot Hitler just after giving him the cyanide capsule. He told the dictator it was a jelly bean.
7) Wayne Newton speaks fluent Klingon.
8) For Wayne Newton, every day is double coupon day.
9) Wayne Newton's feces really do smell like roses and are rumored to be the base of a number of perfumes.
10) Wayne Newton has always known what Willis was talking about.

10 Unknown Facts about Don King:
1) Don King leapt fully formed from the head of Teddy Roosevelt.
2) Don King can kill anything with four or more legs with but a thought, though a three legged dog is beyond his abilities.
3) Don King once raced a cheetah cross country. The cheetah won by five minutes, but it cheated and used a car.
4) Don King's hair is actually a side-effect of his lightning powers, which he won off of Zeus with the beer hand.
5) Don King does not make up words, but rather uses his mystic powers to pull existing words from the future, thus creating a time loop.
6) It was Don King, and not a dingo nor a kobold, that ate your baby.
7) Don King gets paid a dollar every time Emiril says "bam." No one knows why.
8) Don King started the Furby fad just so he could hate them.
9) Don King can name all 101 dalmations.
10) Don King gets presents from Santa every year, even though Santa doesn't exist.

Given the proximity of these two Epic Entertainers, surely an awesome battle ensued (probably on the pool deck). The question is, who won?

Leave a comment explaining why you think one will triumph over the other. I'll research the guesses and come back with the story of how the fight really went down.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Vampire Logic

Ladies and Gentlemen, I must leave for work very soon, but I thought I would tell you something I learned yesterday so that you will never go a day without learning another secret of the world. A vampire will attack and kill six people at once using vampire powers, drinking their blood all the while, to keep from revealing the fact that he's a vampire. Lucky for yours truly, I was playing dead, so they left me alone.

I know, how shameful that Mr. Truth resorted to deception to get the truth. That's vampire logic there.

You have been informed

Sunday, September 21, 2008

It's a bad day for the Man of Steel

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't have time today to tell another story about Wil. I'll be spending the evening mingling with the undead, so instead let me copy and paste this article I saw on the wire.

"Superman Sought on Cannibalism Charges"

AP - Metropolis - Police are seeking caped vigilante Superman on charges of cannibalism after receiving reports that he allegedly entered an occupied phone both and devoured a person whole, leaving only his clothing. Witness Mary Thompson described what she saw. 'I saw a man enter a phone booth to make a call and then in a blink Superman ran out. The man was gone, his clothes lying on the floor [of the phone booth].'

Investigators initially dismissed the claims as a prank, but soon others all over the city reported having similar experiences in the past, each withholding their story, sometimes for years, for fear of publically shaming such a powerful and beloved city icon. 'What do you do?' wondered one witness who chose to remain anonymous. 'He can hear everything you say. He can see through walls. He can tear steel doors in half. How do you hide from someone like that?'

Experts say that while the story seems incredible, it is definitely plausible. Doctor Peter Martelli of Metropolis University's biology department explains: "Superman moves at incredible speed, faster than we can see, which would explain why no one ever sees him enter [the phone booth]. His speed would also allow him to devour so quickly, that a drop of blood would never have time to fall and leave a stain on the floor or walls. Further, moving at such incredible speeds surely requires an incredible metabolism. It's possible Superman could have digested most of the devoured man before even leaving the booth."

Police are currently trying to call in the Man of Steel for questioning, but at present, no process servers have volunteered for the job."

Oh, Supes! Say it ain't so!

Sadly, you have been informed.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

6) Wil Wheaton in GURPS

Ladies and Gentlemen, that you may know more truth, the true story behind number six on the list of 10 unknown facts about Wil Wheaton.

6) Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.

In 1986, an alien prophet by the name of Am'pot-clet'mano (roughly spelled phonetically) foretold that doom would be coming to his people and that only one from Earth would be able to save them, one whose worth would have be carefully measured. He began to create a carefully calculated description of this man who would save them, but died before completion. Any prediction by Am'pot-clet'mano was to be taken as a matter of grave seriousness and absolute truth. The alien scientists, mathematicians, and theologians poured over the partial description and created The System.

In the night, an emmisary of the alien people sought The Vessel, the one who would carry their rigid standard of calculating human woth to the people. In Texas, they found him. His name was Steve Jackson. In dreams they came to him, whispering their mathematical secrets, their precise guidelines and systems for determining a person's value in any time or place--the aliens dared not leave out a time or place from their descriptions, just in case humanity discovered time travel. The would not want to unintentionally rule out The One Who Would Save Them due to a narrowly concieved notion of potential based on placement in the space-time continuum.

In the morning, Steve awoke, his head throbbing with ideas. He'd been looking for a follow to Car Wars and OGRE, and now he believed he found it. For the next several weeks, he frantically began typing out what would later become known as GURPS, or Generic Universal Role Playing System. He had the tools to find The One Who Would Save Them, but as a game designer, he misinterpretted the message. Rather than catagorize the world, he used the system to create worlds. In ignorance, he turned their salvation into a game.

Fate would try to intercede on behalf of the aliens. Indeed, a copy even found its way into the hands of The One, Wil Wheaton. Had he put the stats together for himself, he would have discovered his value, 413 points in a world where 100 was heroic. The aliens would have been alerted of his presence and The One Who Would Save Them would be retrieved to stop their ever approaching doom. However, Wil never did make a character of himself.

Time passed, and upon seeing what had become of their system, they began doing cataloguing of their own. Unfortunately, too much time had passed. Their original record of the system was lost, and as such, they needed to a replacement. Down to Earth they went and obtained a copy of GURPS> The system had changed to 4th edition. The point values differed, though they had no way of knowing this. They tested Wil, but in the new system he was worth far more than the prophesied 413 character points, and he would sadly continue to question his worth as a person. As a result, the aliens took instead Steve Perry into the cosmos to save them, who was worth only 187 points under the old reckoning. The civilization is now in the slow process of rebuilding from their armageddon.

You have been informed.

5) The Real AADA

Ladies and Gentlemen, first and foremost, should you need to know what the AADA is.

And now, for your entertainment and enlightenment, the true story behind number five.

5) Wil Wheaton started a real AADA, but had to disband it after simultaneously defeating all five other co-founders with nothing but a Radio Flyer wagon and a single flaming oil jet. To be fair to his competitors, I must point out that it was an HD flaming oil jet.

The year was 1990, and a young Wil Wheaton was bucking underneath his role in Star Trek. He needed someplace to vent his professional frustrations. The nights in his trailer reading gaming books and painting Skaven minis just weren't cutting it anymore. He was eighteen and rebelious. Glancing down at the latest Car Wars supplement, he realized he was also now old enough to drive and purchase firearms. He would use his growing Star Trek wealth to start a real life AADA.

He called up four of the AADA top performers and even used some of his celebrity pull to get Steve Jackson to play. They agreed that in one month, the would meet at the salt flats of Utah to have their first competition. Wil eagerly spent all time not filming constructing his car. Luxury. Heavy suspension. Turret mounted recoilless rifles. He even had the beverage cooler for what he hoped would be a post victory Doctor Pepper. It was a thing of beauty.

As the day drew closer and closer, Wil poured over the specs for his car, "The Dragon Lady." What if he got a weaker powerplant and more ammo for the machine guns? Should he sacrifice a little top armor to afford the weight for the ram plate? After all, no one had a helicopter. Dreams of inadequate armor or ineffective weapon systems haunted his sleep. His car existed in a perpetual state of modification. Still, he was never one hundred percent happy with the design.

The day came. Each of the six combatants prepared their cars in their corner of the makeshift hexagon arena. Wil paced circles around his car, filled with anxiety. It was all wrong. Everything was going wrong. They never specified and weight or price restriction. These cars could be severely unevenly matched. It looked like Steve was even driving a Superflash! Further, his order from Uncle Albert's* still hadn't come in, and the match was set to start soon. The anxiety escelated to panic. What was he thinking? He was only eighteen. He hadn't been driving nearly as long as these other guys. Two years driving and he'd never really even fired a gun before. What made him think he could stand up to these guys?

His nerves subsided a little when he saw the delivery truck arrive. Wil grabbed his little red wagon and darted across the arena to get the last of his equipment: a heavy duty flaming oil jet and an ejection seat. He may not win the day, but at least the ejector would ensure that he could escape before getting bashed up too badly.

Items in hand--or rather, on wagon--Wil began the trek across the arena back to his starting area, now at least a little less unsettled. Unfortunately, relief takes your guard down. While passing through the center of the combat zone, he unintentionally triggered the flare signaling the game to start. "No," said Wil.

Engines revved all around.

"No," he said again in disbelief. A panicked glance around confirmed what he already feared. The match had started and five rather fierce and heavily armed vehicles were charging relentlessly toward him.

"No!" Shouted Wil as he began to run. Faster and faster, his feet barely touching the ground as he raced to reach his car. "No, no, no, no, no!"

He was done for. He knew he would never make it to his car in time. He had body armor on, but that would only protect him for so long. This was it. He was going to die, young and fearful in a demise of his own design. Once he wanted to win, but now all he wanted was to get as far away as possible. "I can!" he realized. Quickly, he turned to the contents of his wagon and began rewiring in a desperate frenzy. If he could link the ejector to the HFOJ, he could make his escape and maybe even slow them down a little if they chose to pursue. True the flames wouldn't hurt the fireproof armor on Steve's car, but then at least he'd only have one car to deal with. His work finished, Wil dove into the ejection seat, fumbling with the straps as he prepared his last ditch effort.

His enemies were moments away. Six seconds. Five seconds.

"Gotta time this right, Wheaton."

Three seconds.

Wait for it.

Two seconds.

Wait for it.

One second.


Wil smashed the button and felt the g-forces pile on as his body was propelled into the air like a holiday firework. He tried to glance down, but the pressure from acceleration was too great. Even so, he heard the sound of tires squealing and then explosions. His plan had worked. Four of the cars barreling down at him had thought him an easy victory, never anticipating the difficulty they'd suddenly find in trying to manuever away around each other on a field of flaming oil. He was at the height of his escape.

He began his downward descent. He glanced down and saw four cars burning in a viscious twisted heap of wrought iron carnage. But where was Steve? His armor was fireproof. He should still be out there somewhere. Another glance removed any fear he may have had. "Steve," thought Wil, "your strength was your weakness."

There on the ground lay Steve Jackon's car, flipped, mangled, and several yards away from the burning wreckage. He had anticipated the flames; he had armor for that. What he had not anticipated, Wil realized, was that there would suddenly be four other cars blocking his path. In his Superflash, the high speed collision with a flaming wall must have sent his car flying out of control and out of the fight.

Even after Wil hit the ground and had helped the other combatants from their vehicles, the truth still hadn't sunk in. He had won. He had perhaps one of the greatest victories in autoduel history, be it board game or real life. He had won with no car and one of the most looked down upon weapons in the history of the game.

Wil breathed deep the sweet foul air of burning tires and smoldering dashboards. Without taking a single hit to his car, he had won. He had won.

*Uncle Albert's Auto Stop and Gunnery Shop was a Car Wars catalogue that contained new weapons and equipment players could use in their Car Wars games. However, if you actually send an order to the "made up" address with the secret phrase written in the box for special shipping instructions, they will send real items to you, as long as you actually sent real money with your order.

You have been informed.

4) Not a Time Traveller

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next explanation from the list.

4) Contrary to the Trekkie popular belief, Wil Wheaton cannot travel around time. However, when he desires it, time will travel around him.

Wil and Father Time got into a fight a long time ago. You know how it goes when you talk politics. They say the older you get, the more stubborn and conservative you get, and Father Time is really old. So they had a big battle of words about whether or not it's cool to make prisoners fight to the death for our entertainment. I can't really remember the specifics, but Wil ended up winning the battle, so now when Wil is walking down the street or what not, Time will yield to Wil and usually go to the other side of the street.

You have been informed.

Friday, September 19, 2008

3) Are they Giants?

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your edification:

3) Wil Wheaton knows whether or not the Johns Linnell and Flansburgh are, in fact, giants.

Wil Wheaton went to see TMBG perform a couple of years ago (the Venue Songs tour) at the West Hollywood House of Blues. After the show, he saw them walking to their van and asked them if they were, in fact, giants. They told him.

This one really isn't that interesting a story.

You have been informed.

2) Wil and the Lucky 20 Sider

Ladies and Gentlemen, as previously mentioned, I would be telling the true story behind each item on the 10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton that I shared two days ago. I don't have to go to work today, so on we move to item #2.

2) Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.

This was, oh, about a year ago if memory serves me correctly. Wil was at a gaming con. Don't bother asking which. It's a secret invitation-only convention for geeky and gamer celebrities. (I wasn't there. I guess my invite got lost in the mail). Stephen Colbert had just finished running Tomb of Horrors in 5th Edition D&D* Wil's first cleric died, but since most deaths were instant, he figured the party didn't really need a straight healer, so he played a palladin instead. Vin Diesel lost two perfectly good fighters thanks to a couple of botched Search for Trap rolls by Paris Hilton (though she'll never admit she was there), but ultimately was the one to drop the lich. I digress.

Afterward, Wil and Gary were at the hotel bar--never mind which hotel, it's underground and they don't tell the location of the secret entrance to just anyone (they must have forgotten to tell me how to find the place)--kicking back a post slaughter Guinness. Gary was quite impressed at Wil's Rules Lawyering during the game and so he asked him how he managed to fit all of that information in his head. Or at least, he meant to say head. You see, Gary died in the room with all of the columns and figured he wouldn't have time to make a new character before the game ended (only Colbert bothered to bring a 5th ed Player's Guide), and as such, he'd gotten quite the headstart on Wil when it came to the drinking. So while he meant to say, "Say Wil, how do you fit all of that information in your head?" he actually said, "Wil, howdya fit alla that information in your mouth?"

Wil, being one to roll with the punches, quipped back. "My mouth? Well, Gary. I'm part python, so I can dislocate my jaw to swallow live small animals whole."

By this point, a seriously schnockered Gary was easily sidetracked, and thus completely forgot the original question. "Really?"

Wil nodded smarmily, like a kid trying to convince someone that the Nolan Ryan rookie card wasn't worth anything because it was old, and that he'd generously give them a dollar for it.

Gary looked around the room for something big. Seeing a stack of old D&D books, he grabbed a Monster's Manual. "Swallow this!"

"Nah. Gotta save room for the beer," Wil replied.

"C'mon. I'll give ya my lucky twenny sider if ya do it."

Wil couldn't have Gary call his bluff like that. He'd lose too much face in front of someone he so greatly respected. Plus, the Guinness was doing a lot of the thinking, and that was a damn sweet polyhedron. "I'll do you three better," said Wil, grabbing the next few volumes from the stack.

"What the hell are you doing" Wil asked himself silently.

"Shut up! I want that die!" said Prove To Everyone That Getting Drunk With Gary Gygax Wasn't A Mistake.

Wil looked around with worry, but the sight of goggles on the other side of the room calmed his shaken nerves. "I'll be right back."

He leapt from his bar stool and ran to the booth in the corner. Doctor Horrible was nursing a strawberry daqueri and lamenting his loss to Klaus Tuebler in yet another round of Werewolf. "Dammit. Just because I'm an evil genius doesn't automatically make me the werewolf," he muttered into his fruity drink, angrilly stabbing the cherry with his tiny umbrella.

"Doc, I need a favor."

"I'm a villain. I don't give favors. I take them and then never repay them."

"I need to borrow your shrink ray."

Doctor Horrible's terrifying eyes stared incredulously from behind his glass of pink creamy goodness.

"I'll help you get that laundry girl you're always talking about."

In a blink, Wil found himself holding the shrink ray as an eager mastermind begged, "When? When?"

"Uhhh... later?"

The doctor continued to beg for specifics, but Wil was already back at the bar with a now much smaller stack of Monster Manuals. Gary gawked in disbelief as, one by one, Wil placed them into his mouth."Howdja do that?" asked the befuddled game designer.

"Magic," said Wil.

Gary shrugged, reached into his pocket, and gave Wil the die.

At least, that's the way I heard it. I wasn't there. Never got an invite. Just as well. I was probably busy with other stuff that week anyway.

*They've already made eight editions, and they've been releasing them slowly over the years to maximize profits. Granted, only seven editions were written at the time of the event. Even so, Colbert has always been an old school gamer, and thus stuck with 5th ed because though the multiclassing is a little wonky, the damage system is just so much more elegant than the newer editions. Expect 5th ed. in 2012.

You have been informed.

A Little Clarification, 1) Wil and Cthulu

Ladies and Gentlemen, I appreciate the interest you've all expressed in discovering more truths about Mr. Wheaton. However, there are those out there who interpreted my list as an effort to restart the Chuck Norris fad from some time ago. What is my name, fair readers? Mr. Truth. Not Mister Make Stuff Up Because It's Clever. As a man dedicated to the truth, I must say that the Chuck Norris trend saddened me, as most things said about him were, though clever, untrue. And now I see some of the same clever, though untrue things being credited to Mr. Wheaton. Over the next few days, I will be telling the true stories behind all items on the list.

1) The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.

EXCERPT from an old journal I found during my studies at Miskatonic U, and translated into English.

"The voices continue. Daily I try silence them, but even in the lands beyond time, beyond measure, the calling of my name is endless. 'Cthulu. Cthulu.' Of late I have observed a dramatic increase, the voice ever-more persistant. Try as I may, I cannot halt their siren's call. Even my usual respite of tea and world has failed to bring my troubled mind solace. I fear I must send my minions forth to the fleshy dimensions to see who beckons to me."

"Five of my avatars have been dispatched to the human world to the nexus of my suffering, a gathering of those who would eternally utter my name at a secret conclave of madness called Kahmikahn. Through their eyes I see such sights as no Eldar God was meant to see. Such tortures. Such a feast of human flesh and human mind bare and on display. Their females in such attire as to display the finest cuts: the haunches, the ribs. The males laughably unable to possibly fight my minions with the weapons they weild. And yet, there must be some greater magic here, for they utter my name without fear. They witness my children and fear not, remarking instead, 'Niis kostoom.' Oh to speak their base language and now what power those words must have, to allow them to face my power and not quake to the marrow of their bones. I must seek their leader..."

"I hear a chant, a drumming of voices, rhythmically pounding in the minds of my avatars. 'Oemjee. Wileffin wee'ton.' What does this mean? Though my endless soul shivers in horrific anticipation and dread, I fear I shall never rest until I have discovered what strange and powerful creature commands those who would command me."

"Much time has past in mortal reckoning and I have neither seen nor heard so much as an unterance or glance from my children. What have the mortals done to them? The last I recall of them, they entered a crowded room, the chanting building to a violent crecendo, 'Oemjee! Wileffin wee'ton! Wileffin wee'ton!' and then no more. What have they done? Who is this Wileffin wee'ton? What is his power?"

"My children, I fear, are dead, sacrificed, no doubt, on the alter of Wileffin wee'ton. Of the five of my lost, I have seen only the remains of one, floating in the aether, an image of a sadistic clown's head grown disproportionately large,, a clown known to the humans as Sweh'Tor. The human beasts, most certainly at the command of the wee'ton, have grafted my poor avater's head and limbs to this ghastly grinning clown, it's face smiling as the arms and legs of my child dangle from all sides of the foul head. A worse fate has undoubtably befallen my other children. I have angered the wee'ton, and fear the nightmares shall never end. I shall look no more into the Wileffin wee'ton, lest the same fate befall me."

You have been informed.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

10 Unknown Facts about Chuck Norris

So many people out there have this belief that my attempt to enlighten you about Wil Wheaton was based on some Chuck Norris fad. I assure you, that is not the case. I'm simply a man on a mission to bring truth to the world. But for those of you who just have to get your Chuck Norris fix in, for you, I've done some research to bring you ten surprising and never before disclosed facts about Chuck Norris.

10 Unknown Facts about Chuck Norris

  1. Chuck Norris honestly believes the Bowflex is the best workout you will ever have.
  2. Chuck Norris's favorite flower is the daisy. ("It's the friendliest flower.")
  3. Chuck Norris prefers Special K to regular cornflakes.
  4. Chuck Norris likes little boys.
  5. Chcuk Norris talks to his therapist about how sad your perverted interpretation of the last fact makes him. He reads to them In the leukemia ward. At the hospital. It's called being nice. You're a jerk.
  6. Chuck Norris makes a pretty tastey waffle.
  7. Chuck Norris really wishes they'd release the third season of The Adventures of Pete and Pete on DVD
  8. CHuck Norris knows all the words to the Beatles' "She Loves You."
  9. Chuck Norris can salsa dance like it's nobody's business. He's pretty good with a foxtrot, too.
  10. Chuck Norris has no idea why everyone is suddenly so interested in him now and why they couldn't, oh, I don't know, be fans of him before his show got cancelled?

There you have it. Ten facts you probably didn't know about the man everyone is/was talking about.You have been informed.

This bodes poorly for the future...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I fear I have some terrible and terrifying news. You, as readers of this Illuminated blog, are certainly ever-vigilant against the hidden dangers of this world. Super villains, credit card fees, vampires, salmonella, spontaneous combustion. I regret to inform you that the leading threat against the status quo and every other quo besides has only become more dangerous. That's right. I'm talking about zombies.

As informed citizens, I trust you all own and have memorized The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. If you haven't committed its words to heart, you're just one more flesh-eating target when the time comes, and I will aim square for your head the second they bite you. That being said, those of you who have read it and learned its ways will no doubt usher in a new age of humanity after the inevitable zombie uprising. Even so, as Sun Tzu said, we must know our enemies. We have learned their ways.

They are learning ours.

While printing up glorious headshots of my friends and loved ones at Kinkos for target practice (I must get comfortable with blasting out their brains at a moment's notice), I happened to spot a discarded manuscript in the trash. I stole a quick glance at the title (attention to detail during the zombie apocalypse will be critical).

"Oh," I thought, "someone's been bootlegging The Zombie Survival Guide. Sure it's a little unethical, but think of the lives it will save."

Even so, beyond the legal issues of it being copied, something about it felt wrong to me. Something was a little... off... about it. And then it came to me. The title. I read it. Read it again. Read it closer. Took it out of the waste bin and stared in horrified disbelief. Someone had written The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection FOR the Living Dead.

I thumbed through frantically.

Chapter One: Know Your Enemy.
Page 3: "We know a great deal about humans, having all been in that sorrowful state at one time or another."
Page 7: "They're faster than us and they have better weapons, but we're nigh invulnerable and we scare them."

Chapter Two: Our Advantages
Page 26: "We can only be killed with a strong blow to the head, so wear a helmet!"
Page 28: "Remember, our senses do not depend on light; theirs do."

Chapter Three: General Human Hunting Strategy
Page 45: "Attack at night. They can't see as well as us, and the dark makes them frightened and superstitious."
Page 52: "Use psychological warfare tactics from history. Moan at all hours of the night. They won't sleep, they will mentally shaken by the sound of it, and they probably will not leave their shelters to come after you."
Page 53: "For heaven's sake, pick up your feet when you walk!"

On and on it went, detailing how to systematically pick us apart. I asked the clerk, a snotnosed college freshamn who was unaware of anything not on his iPod, about the manuscript. He told me some "smelly bum" came in and wanted to make a copy. He said the "bum" threw away the copy I was holding because the left margins were off. Guys like that are going to get us all killed. He had a zombie in his store and not only did he make no effort to destroy it, he allowed it to use his copier. He let it make duplicates of a book that could doom us all. I thought about shooting the kid in the head right there. It was only a matter of time before he goes zombie anyway, right? But I didn't. Something else was bothering me. Something big. Questions haunted me.

Where did it write this thing? Why did it need copies of this manuscript? Why would the margins be important?

And then it hit me.

I took another look at the manuscript. It all added up. The Courier New font, the double spacing. The margins were the key. One inch all around. The kid said the left margins were off. In standard manuscript format, all margins are one inch except the left one at one and a half. This zombie was looking for a publisher.

I don't normally advocate the burning of books, but so help me if this ever sees shelf space at Barnes and Noble, we're done for unless we make a bonfire so great they can see it from space and throw every copy on.

But then, maybe that was the plan after all. Book burnings are great for book sales. Somewhere out there, there is a zombie who either wants to destroy humanity or make a ton of money. Either way, I don't like it. Either way, we need to be ever mor cautious in our dealings with the undead.

You have been informed.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

10 Unknown Facts About Wil Wheaton

Ladies and Gentlemen, here in these United States, we often find ourselves caught up in a frenzied cult of celebrity, fueled by tabloids, headline news, and half a dozen "OMFG, she wore WHAT?" feeds. Too often we get caught up in the surface of these celebrities. Who are they dating? What projects are they working on? What drugs are they in rehab for? We find ourselves overlooking the subtleties that make them who they are. We miss their hidden little secrets. This regular installment will profile a celebrity by sharing ten facts about them that you may not know.

For this week's celebrity, I chose Wil Wheaton. Having just finished reading his book Just a Geek, I was shocked to find that while he addressed his career as an actor and writer and his nature as a geek, there were many things which only add to his geek street cred that he did not include. Below is a list of ten things about Wil Wheaton that he failed to mention in his book. And like Nigel Tuffnel's amp, this list of ten things goes to eleven.
10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton:
  1. The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.
  2. Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.
  3. Wil knows whether or not the Johns Linnell and Flansburgh are, in fact, giants.
  4. Contrary to the Trekkie popular belief, Wil Wheaton cannot travel around time. However, when he desires it, time will travel around him.
  5. Wil Wheaton started a real AADA, but had to disband it after simultaneously defeating all five other co-founders with nothing but a Radio Flyer wagon and a single flaming oil jet. To be fair to his competitors, I must point out that it was an HD flaming oil jet.
  6. Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.
  7. Wil Wheaton has access to seventh level disciplines.
  8. Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.
  9. Wil Wheaton is the Kwisatz Haderach.
  10. Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!
  11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.
You have been informed. FNORD

I must apologize for Spiderman 3

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the spirit of truth, I fear I have a shameful secret that I must share. I'm responsible for the awful piece of cinematic wasteland that was Spider-Man 3. I failed to realize until this morning my role in its creation. You see, four or five years ago, I bought a super articulated Spider-Man action figure. Perhaps you've seen it. It's the beautiful eighteen incher with sixty-seven (sixty-seven!!!) sweet sweet points of glorious articulation. So what would you do if you had a figure as wonderful as this? If you're anything like Mr. Truth, you lay him on your roommate's bed while he's in class and having smoking a cigarette and flipping the bird. You have him beat up a free stuffed chic-fil-a cow you got at the commons.

It occurred to me that it would be easy to turn these antics into some stop motion animation with a little time and a freeware program called JPEG2AVI. Shortly thereafter, I was cranking out a video or two a week. Short ones in which Spidey smokes, flips the bird, beats up Cow, puts a cigarette out on Cow's eye and then throws him off the desk, laughing all the while. Sure Cow got his revenge by getting Boba Fett to disintigrate him with his blaster or the time he got Spidey drunk and made him have a one night stand with Nosferatu (Graf Orlock), but that wasn't enough. I needed a place for Spider-Man's hatred for Cow to begin. And so I created the following video:

What does this have to do with the horrible horribleness that was Spider-Man 3? About the time Spider-Man 2 was going into production, videos start appearing on the net of Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man generally being bad and dancing. So they introduce the idea of Venom at the end of the second movie. And sure, that involves Good Old Pete being bad. That has nothing to do with my video. But that Peter Parker spent a whole scene dancing and being a jerk seems to tell me that we would have had a much more sinister, much less dorky black suited Web Head had I not meddled where man was not meant to meddle.

That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that seemingly every movie last summer had some lame dance scene in it. Shrek 3, Fantastic Four 2. I know there were more that had dance scenes in them. I just can't remember (it's human nature to repress painful memories).

Make fun of a beloved cultural icon and you will suffer for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is karma, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the truth, and the truth shall set you free. You have been informed.

While we're on the subject of Presidents

About twenty years ago, a young Harvard Law student known as Barack Obama was out drinking with friends after a particularly difficult exam. Having imbibed a little too much, but still being a respectable, upright citizen, he decided to call a cab. Barack searched his pockets, the ash tray, everywhere he could think of, but alas, could find no quarter with which to use the payphone. (yes, a payphone. This was back in the day before the technology from the original Star Trek was released for civilian use as the cellular phone). Needing to get home but unable to drive, Barack began feverishly moving from person to person, pleading his need for change.

"Buddy, we all need change," said one jaded bar patron.

A light suddenly clicked on in his head. It isn't enough for him to find change. "We all need change." He needed to bring change to every drunk man, woman, and child without a quarter to call a cab. His grand manner of speech, however, ensured that his never-ending quest for quarters for the world would forever be misinterpretted. His misunderstood message has been snowballing ever since.

Where is this young man now, twenty years later? He's been nominated to the presidency of the United States. His message? Change for everyone.

You have been informed.

VP Super Powers and a Potential Presidential Action Movie?

Most people are in a bit of tizzy over these new possible VPs, but few have any idea exactly what a Vice President does anyway aside from take over if the real President gets killed or canned. I'm sure we all know that Sarah Palin has no idea that the VP presides over the senate, but we shouldn't fault her for that. She's been busy. In Alaska. "Yeah... killing wildlife and driving kids to soccar practice," I can hear some of you saying. Nay nay nay. I mean, yes, she's been doing that too, but nay nay nay. She's been doing much more. Do you think it's a coincidence that she was mayor of an Alaskan town with such a big drug problem?

Sarah Palin is a super hero.


A bit skeptical, are we? Let's look at the facts, shall we?
  1. FACT: She lives in a town with a big drug problem. Aren't super heroes attracted to crime like moths to a flame or, well, like spandex to a super hero?
  2. FACT: She's just one woman and she can do so many things at once: run a state, hunt "from a helicopter" (Of course that's how you fly, Mrs. Palin), raise kids, drill for oil in forests. That's not multi-tasking. That's superspeed.
  3. FACT: She can see Russian from where she lives. She has supervision, and I don't mean someone is looking over her. She can see miles and miles either around the curve of the earth, or if she is using her X-ray vision, through the earth.
  4. FACT: Being so close to Russia, despite never personally interacting with them, is valid foreign experience. Read between the lines here. She's never met them personally, yet her proximity is enough for her to understand them. She's a psychic and a telepath. She doesn't need to travel abroad to talk to the Russians. No wonder she never applied for a passport until last year. She just sits down on her comfy couch, pops open some Pringles, turns on American Idol, and it's diplomatic negotiation time. That's right, Petrov. Don't you even think about siding with Simon Cowell on this one.
  5. FACT: She's pretty handy with a rifle. Prior to gaining her super powers, she fought crime the way The Punisher did: with the barrel of a gun. Selling meth to preschoolers? POW! Not in my town!
  6. FACT: She's pretty, especially for a forty-four year old mother of five. Everyone knows that all female super heroes are agelessly attractive. How long has storm looked twenty-five? Since the sixties? Still a hottie.
  7. FACT: She can always tell right from wrong. Like going to war with Russia. The Cold War may officially be over, but it's always cold in Alaska. And Russia.
So sure, Sarah Palin may not have the official, on paper experience to run a country, but if she'd just abandon the transparent pretense of not having a secret identity, her years of crime fighting would totally make up for her less than two years political experience presiding over .002% of the country's population. Fortunately for her, McCain knows her secret identity and has called on her to be the nation's official super hero, erm... vice president.

But how did McCain know Palin's secret?

This brings us to an important issue from John McCain's past. He's a crimefighter, too, though not a costumed one. You know the movie Die Hard? Yeah, it's a thinly veiled homage to John McCain's past. As if he could hide what he'd done by adding an L to the last name. John McClane? Seriously? It's time to own up to your crime-fighting past. Your victory over the Germans in that high rise proves your conviction to fighting terrorism at home and abroad. Admit that it was you! You beat long standing incumbent Barry Goldwater for your congressional seat. Admit that this daring exploit is how you won the favor of your constituency! I saw Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I noticed that plane crashing, an homage to the five you crashed during your distinguished military career. And in Live Free or Die Hard, you had Justin Long do all the computer stuff for you because you can't check your e-mail! I even found this old picture of you from your wild and reckless middle age...

There you have it. Today's truth in the big old lost and found box? Sarah Palin is a super hero and John McCain kills terrorists with his bare hands every year at Christmas. You have been informed.