Saturday, February 28, 2009

Why People Are Jerks

Ladies and Gentlemen, how many times have customers yelled at you for getting their orders wrong even thought it was their fault? How often do you find yourself cut off in traffic by some angry guy who never learned to use his turn signal? Have you noticed how the likelihood of someone being a self-righteous jerk is directly proportionate to the individual's failure to adequately communicate what that person wants, be it no pickles or to make a left turn?

I used to assume that because these people are jerks, they take for granted that everyone will know exactly what they want based on some misguided sense that the world revolves around them. In other words, the poor communication stems from egocentric laziness. As it turns out, the truth is much more tragic.

There are psychics among us, telepaths mostly. The world is full of individuals capable of projecting their thoughts into the minds of others. Unfortunately, there are also those among us (most of us, it seems) who are unable to receive these telepathic messages. Thus, when working in, say, a movie theater box office, you may find yourself receiving an order that sounds something like this: "Can you tell me which is better? I want to see a different one, but she wants a repeat," or perhaps simply, "I'll take two" with no statement for movie or showtime or that one of these tickets is supposed to be a child's ticket.

The poor telepath becomes frustrated when you are unable to complete his order or answer his questions. It isn't as though he didn't give you all of the information. About half of it, he said out loud. The other half he thought, expecting you to be able to read his mind. After all, if you grow up able to read other people's minds, you tend to forget that others can't do the same. Orders get botched and our psychics are become angry when you swear they only said, "I'll take two," when they clearly said mentally "children's tickets to the 4:30 Cinderella."

These individuals believe everyone has telepathy and those who don't are simply too lazy or self-centered to pay attention when the psychics are thinking at them. The fact of the matter is, people aren't jerks, which leads to bad communication and arguments. Quite the opposite. They truely believe no one is paying attention when they mentally signal that they plan to change lanes and are enraged at the total disregard others seem to give their psychic communications. They're jerks to the rest of us because they think we deliberately never listen to them when they explain themselves so clearly.

This also explains how so many jerks are able to communicate with one another with but a look. Each party can send and receive these psychic messages.

You have been informed.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just saw one of the most inspiring articles ever. Someone opened a topless coffee shop, and I'm not talking about the roof. The servers wear no shirts. This article makes me happy beyond belief. Finally, we see a business man with courage. We see someone not afraid of ridiculous, frivolous lawsuits. You may remember the hot coffee lawsuit from McDonald's several years ago. A woman sued McDonald's after she spilled a cup of hot coffee and burned herself. This new restaurant dares to say, "We think lawsuits over hot coffee being hot are so stupid, we want our servers to have NOTHING in between our hot coffee and their bare, easy to burn chests. Except a cup. And probably a foot to a foot and a half of space depending on how they hold the cup." 

This pleases me to no end. Finally, someone is standing up to the money-grubbing consumers who want a free meal and several million dollars for being surprised when hot coffee is hot. There are no other reasons a person would open a topless restaurant. Or at least, none that I can think of. Honestly, I can think of no reason to open a restaurant in which customers could stare at a half-naked person other than to make a statement on the excessive, gimme-gimme nature of tort lawsuits in our times.

You have been informed.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

10 Unknown Facts about Zeppo Marx

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the kingdom of Classic Film, the Marx Brothers easily reign supreme as the court jesters (that's right, Three Stooges, I said it). Of the five (Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo), three were big names. The other two, Gummo and Zeppo, for the most part chased their own path through this great big world of ours. It just so happens that today is the birthday of Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. I bet you didn't know that. Heck, you probably didn't even know who Zeppo Marx was. Not many people do. But he was an amazing person. He was allegedly the funniest of the brothers in real life, even though he often played the straight man in the films. He was also a successful inventor. You probably didn't know that either. Heck, most everything I include here probably counts as an unknown fact, but as a kindness, I'll share some truly unknown facts about this much maligned Marx.

10 Unknown Facts about Herbert "Zeppo" Marx:
  1. Zeppo Marx could play any musical instrument in the world, whereas his brothers were only known for playing one or two.
  2. Zeppo Marx invented an automatic cereal pourer, but disassembled it when, out of concern for his health, it would only pour skim milk on his corn flakes.
  3. Zeppo Marx could inflate himself like a zepplin and fly around. This is not the basis for his name and is merely a coincidence.
  4. Zeppo Marx is not biologically related to Karl Marx, the communist, but is related to the Zippo.
  5. Zeppo Marx could reproduce sexually or asexually.
  6. Zeppo Marx's bones were hollow, which made it easier for him to fly in his zepplin form.
  7. When Zeppo Marx and his four brothers' powers combined, they created the most powerful (and quick witted) robot ever: MechaMarx! (not to be confused with their nemesis MegaMart).
  8. Zeppo Marx could debone an entire fish in fifteen seconds flat without any special tools.
  9. Zeppo Marx could be abandoned in any location on the planet with nothing but a swiss army knife and in five days, not only will he have survived, there's an 83% chance he will have built an independent coffee house (he could build a Starbucks, but isn't into franchises).
  10. Zeppo Marx can gain nurishment from carpet, drapes, and most linens.
There you have it. Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. He may be one of the most overlooked Marx Brothers, but he's still amazing, even if he didn't get the best jokes on screen.

You have been informed.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Return of the Barter System

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been absent for a few days. I've been insanely busy keeping an eye on those vampires. They haven't really been up to much lately. All I really learned is that any museum owned by a vampire will be attacked and/or damaged about once a month. No, the real research I've done lately is into the economy, holidays, and a possible solution to our financial woes. Let me begin.

Today is Fat Tuesday, or as we celebrate it here in the South, Mardi Gras. Down here, schools let out, banks close, parades fill the streets causing traffic to come to a grinding, screaming, dancing halt, and people party like it's the day before forty consecutive days of anti-fun. Because it is.

The most important thing to take from Mardi Gras in these times, however, is the notion of beads. They're cheap. They're plastic. They're given away for free. Even so, for a few days a year, they're practically legal tender. With beads, you can obtain beer, moon pies, nudity, and so many other things. It's a debauched barter system. But for a few days a year, it works.

My question is, if it's good enough for an entire region of the country, why can't the rest of the nation use it? It could jumpstart the economy. There may be a dollar deficit, true, but surely there must be a bead surplus. Why else would they be thrown out freely at Mardi Gras parades? Further, even though they are free to come by, you can still purchase valuable goods and services with them. It's an ideal new currency: abundantly available without risk of value deflation (at least, not until Ash Wednesday, when everything you can buy with beads becomes something to avoid for the next month and a half).

Can you imagine the financial peace of mind you'll feel when your mortgage payment comes due, and though you have no money in the bank, you know you can simply pay for your land with a bunch of beads? There's even a historical precedent for in the U.S. for buying land with beads, so it shouldn't be too difficult a system to reinstate. What could possibly go wrong?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a parade to go to, and they're throwing out free plastic money on a string.

You have been informed.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Wireless Internet is Dead

Ladies and Gentlemen, my internet was being appallingly bad yesterday. I was trying to use Skype in the dining room for my own nerdy gaming purposes but couldn't get a wireless signal on the laptop. A couple steps over into the kitchen and the signal was just fine. I found it strange the way the signal seemed to stop dead at the door between the two rooms. It puzzled me that the signal could travel through several walls to get to the kitchen, but couldn't move two more feet through an open door. Perhaps Oliver Cromwell had something to do with it. After all, even in the best of spots, the internet cuts out for seemingly no reason.

At that moment, lightning struck my brain.

At least metaphorically. Or rather, metaphorically in relation to the lightning, not the brain. Let's try that again.

At that moment, metaphoric lightning struck my real brain. (true, it lacks the panache of the first attempt, but this is clearer, and clarity does not obscure the truth).

Wireless internet connections are ghost powered. It makes so much sense.

Facts About Ghosts:
  1. Ghosts can walk through walls.
  2. Ghosts emit an electro-magnetic frequency.
  3. Ghosts are bound to the items, people, or locations they haunt and cannot go beyond a certain radius of that item, person, or location.
  4. Ghosts, specificaly Oliver Cromwell, are against technology, specifically my technology.
Facts About Wireless Interent Connections:
  1. Wireless signals can go through walls.
  2. Electronics, including wireless devices such as routers, emit electro-magnetic frequencies.
  3. Wireless signals are bound to the item that generates them, and thus you cannot get a signal beyond a certain radius of the router.
  4. My wireless signal fails all the time, suggesting it's against being a properly working piece of technology, specifically my technology.
Do I really need to spell it out more? It is abundantly clear and painfully obvious that wireless router "factories" are actually filled not with blue collar workers but cabals of technowizards who bind spirits--possibly spirits of communicatiosn experts, but really there's no way of telling without a Ouija board or going to the factory--to an access port in a router. The router is plugged into an ethernet cable. The ghost, being bound not to the cable, but the port cannot go running wild through the 'net. So what does it do? It seeks out other ports within a radius of its haunting place--the router--trying to find a way to be free. Perhaps the other port that it found will release it. Alas, no. So the ghost spends its days moving at the speed of though back and forth between all the wireless ports it can reach, trying to find the one that it can escape from. Meanwhile, every time it reaches a new port, he is forcibly injected with raw data, almost certanly an uncomfortable experience. So the next port he comes to, he purges this data into the other connection site, only to find it forcing more data back in. That's how wireless intercomputer communication works. And sometimes the spirit gets frustrated and refuses to run around anymore. Further, being a ghost, Oliver Cromwell could interact with it physically (well, physically for the ghosts at least), meaning he could actively attempt to stop the ghost from providing signal to my computer. After all, he overthrew a monarchy. Surely he could stop a ghost from running in circles.

It makes so much sense that I'm shocked I didn't discover this sooner. After all, we even have an expression about there being a "ghost in the machine." Why didn't it occur to me that it could be--and in fact is--a literal ghost?

You have been informed.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I completely missed Ten Facts Tuesday. You would think a regularly scheduled thing with an alliterative title would be easy to remember, but no. It seems to slip my mind all the time. I always remember that it's Sunday (when the new schedule at work is posted), Monday (because I usually have to work the first day of the new schedule), Wednesday (because it's Lost Night), Thursday (because it's the day after Lost and the day before gaming), Friday (because it's Game Night), and Saturday because that's when my teacher friend can hang out. Yet, for some strange reason, I never remember that it's Tuesday, and it has more of a reason for me to remember it that Thursday. How strange.

Your Ten Facts this week are about Mr. Fred Rogers. You may remember him as the guy from your childhood who always wore a cardigan and sneakers and his neighborhood was populated by puppets. Mental Floss recently did a list of 15 facts about what made him so great. This really sparked my desire to learn more about everyone's favorite neighbor. This is what I learned.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers
  1. Mr. Rogers's friendship with a certain member of the X-Men named Storm allowed him to ensure that every day was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
  2. When not producing high quality children's programing, Mr. Rogers would travel the country in his Impala killing ghosts and monsters. The show Supernatural is based on his exploits.
  3. Mr. Rogers was granted special permission by Congress to establish a sovereign nation of make-believe within the borders of the United States, though convincing the Senate to allow that nation to be a monarchy took substantially more effort.
  4. Mr. Rogers had a magical set of keys that could open any door, thus granting him access to all of those dangerous factories and animal cages he seemed to love to visit so often on his show.
  5. Mr. Rogers could shrink down to a height of four inches, which allowed him to ride Trolley into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
  6. Mr. Rogers's encouragement to love ourselves and each other prevented a militant alien invasion. The aliens were close to Jupiter and were moving in fast when the intercepted an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. They decided that war wasn't the way to go and instead returned home after redirecting an asteroid that would have killed us all years ago.
  7. Mr. Rogers never had to deal with unpleasant glares on his TV, windshield or anything else thanks to his polarized corneas.
  8. Mr. Rogers could communicate with his fish.
  9. Mr. Rogers literally did not know the meaning of the word "hate," which helped him stay kind but sometimes made it difficult to explain things to him.
  10. Mr. Rogers wrote a lot of songs, this is widely known. What isn't widely known is that if all of Mr. Robers's previously unreleased material were put out on CD, he would have over one hundred times more posthumous albums than 2Pac (currently five, with a possible sixth).
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for Mr. Rogers fans. Fifteen unknown facts from Mental Floss and ten more here. That's 25 unknown facts about Mr. Rogers for you readers today! I hope you enjoyed them as much as we enjoyed growing up with him.

You have been informed.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Healthy Hearts are Hard to Manage

Ladies and Gentlemen, at work this week, we're hosting the American Heart Association's "Go Red Symposium for Women's Heart Health," or something along those lines. There were so many information booths on women and heart disease, I was in cardio-estrogen heaven. What surprised me most is how much goes in to maintaining good heart health in women. You think it's pretty simple, don't you? Eat right. Avoid fatty foods and salty thing. Walk regularly. Exercise. I thought proper femenine heart health was that simple too. I was wrong.

At the symposium, there were a number of booths, as is to be expected. They had booths for Lipitor, good cardio workouts, classes on cooking healthy meals. All of these are things you would expect at a convetion dedicated to helping women manage heart disease. To my surprise, however, they also had booths run by Merrill Lynch dedicated to managing investments, or a dermatologist telling how their lasers can get rid of aging lines and make you feel ten years younger. There were booths for makeovers and art studios, fashion and purses and grooming. As it turns out, all of these are vital to maintaining a healthy cardiovascular system.

I know, it's hard to believe. I didn't believe it at first myself. But looking at it logically, this must be the case. There would be no reason to discuss the stock market or looking pretty at a symposium dedicated to heart health unless these issues directly related to the overall wellness of the circulatory system. With women, it seems, a holistic approach must be taken to ensure a properly running heart. In retrospect, I should have long suspected as much. Folk wisdom tells us a woman's heart is fragile, and dont' fragile things require additional care and maintanence? Men, when your wife or fiancee or girlfriend or sister is taking forever choosing which heels best match her ensemble, for heaven's sake, don't rush her. It's not just an outfit she's coordinating; it's also her health.

I would like to point out to my male readers that this was a symposium for women. In my life, I must admit that I have never seen a symposium for men's heart health. I've never been asked to Go Red for Men (or Go Blue for that matter). I must therefore conclude that heart health for men is much simpler than it is for women, simple to the point that we do not need a week long convention to discuss what is necessary: exercise and healthy eating habits.

You have been informed.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Yes, Definitely a Witch

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence (I do that so often). My girlfriend's witchiness has once again caused technology in her presence to go kaputt. In the past 2 days, I've restored her operating system five times and reformatted her hard drive twice (and reinstalling various programs accordingly). Her computer wasn't even hooked up to the internet. No viruses. No spyware. It just kept acting up. Clearly, she possesses magical abilities. Which, I suppose, explains why her pastries paste so darn good. The secret ingredient isn't love, oh no. It's the dark arts. Arts as dark as the chocolate in her cupcakes. 

The other reason for my absence is the increasingly frustrating work. I suspect that the higher one goes up in any employment hierarchy, the more of one's soul and-or mind it takes. A conspiracy is clearly afoot, because this happens at every job I've worked. The hierarchy is built around a machine, which is capable of surgically extracting portions of the victi-patient's soul or brain direction proportionate to the amount of authority they have. Thus, the more authority one is granted, the more soul or mind is removed. Promotion is met with operation. This clearly explains why the higher up the food chain you go, the dumber and more evil leadership becomes. That's the what, when, and how. The who, I'm guessing, is either the Illuminati or the forces of Evil. The only thing I have yet to determine (other than where they store this machine), is the where. Where do they keep it> That and, when you're promoted, do you have to choose one track, soul or mind, and then stick with it the whole way, or do you get to choose with each promotion, what you give up> 

You have been informed.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Kenny Chesney is a Tool

Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been rumors flying around about Kenny Chesney since Renee Zellweger annulled him, citing fraud. Kenny Chesney, however, cleared up rumors in a recent interview in which he revealed he isn't gay, he's just a tool. You know the guy who shows up at your party and drinks all of your beer before regaling everyone present about the many women he slept with, thus scaring away every woman at the party including your girlfriend (who, incidentally, now thinks you're friends with a date rapist)> Kenny Chesney is, evidently, That Guy. He spoke at some length about how many women he slept with ("Man, I was over 100 several years ago," a milestone he claims happened "probably back in 2001"). The "long line" of women the singer allegedly had relations with could testify to the fact that he's not gay, or at least they would if any of them came forward to testify. 

Still, Chesney swears that "from 1993 to 1998" there were years when he had a better summer than A-Rod, that he was constantly "on the boards." From all of this bragging and boasting, it's clear to tell that he is, in fact, That Guy. Even so, how does the "fraud" claim fit in> Let's examine this a bit more carefully.

He claims, quite vocally, that he's been with over 100 girls. The only people I know who go on and on and on about how many women they've been with are those who have been with numbers much closer to zero. Chesney a virgin> It appears to be true. After all, he admitted himself that he was "on the boards quite often." He wanted us to think he meant the bed, but clearly he was referring to internet forums and BBS networks, posting and chatting and probably asking about which episode of Star Trek Evil Wesley Crusher was in. Chesney isn't in the closet, at least not about being gay. He's a closet nerd. It all makes perfect sense. The "fraud" charge doesn't relate to his sexual preference. Renee Zellweger, after hearing his stories about what a dynamo he was in bed, was expecting Don Juan. Instead, she got Data from Star Trek. The fraud in question is clearly his failure to live up to his grand stories about his prowess. 

You have been informed.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Girlfriend, the Witch

Ladies and Gentlemen, don't tell her I said this, but I think my girlfriend is a witch. I don't mean she's mean. She's very nice. I don't mean she's Wicked Witch of the Westy either. Her skin tone is a shade of peachishness that falls easily within genetic norms. However, technology, specifically her computer, fails for her. All the time. The internet, for instance, is in a state of constant lagging out and crashityness. In fact, yesterday, it took me several attempts to finally post, as the laptop developed a persnickity habit of timing out every time I hit the post button, sending me back to the drawing board to rewrite the post. 

How does this make her a witch> I've been reading the Harry Dresden books. Maybe you've heard of them. They're about a wizard who lives in Chicago. His name is Harry Dresden, as you may have guessed. According to Mr. Dresden, if you do magic, technology rebels against you and fails just to spite you. Given her bad luck with electronics, this clearly means she's a possessor of supernatural abilities. Granted, I'm not one to prejudge a person exclusively on their ability to perform paranormal feats. That's profiling, and that's wrong. If the witch hunters from Old Boston are correct on the subject--and they must be, or else they wouldn't have killed those girls all those years ago, she gained her magic through congress with the Devil, which may sound bad, but really, if she got anything out of congress, good for her. That's more than most people I know have ever been able to do. Ever. 

I guess the moral of the story is if someone you know has a problem with electronics, tell them your concerns about the economy, the war, or any other problem you see with the state of the world and maybe they can get congress to do something about it.

You have been informed.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Amazing Discoveries!

Ladies and Gentlemen, researchers have come across one of the most Earth-shattering discoveries ever unearthed by science. As it turns out, people who experience a fear of flying actually become more afraid after being bombarded by news articles about plane crashes. I thought for sure those who feared plane crashes would simply see these articles and come to accept that dying in a plane crash was an inevitable part of life and would thus lose all fear and climb aboard the next 747 to land in their area. And it's on CNN too, so you know it must be true. I never would have believed it otherwise. Further more, they say to overcome these fears when on an airplane, the trick is to breathe slowly, think peaceful thoughts, and remain calm. Is there no limit to what science can discover> Next thing you know, they'll discover that getting shot increases your anxiety around guns or that ghost stories will make it harder for children to sleep at night. Will wonders never cease>

In other news, scientists have discovered a means for viewing mummies still in their sarcophagi. It's amazing what they can do with CT scanners these days, but why is CNN missing the big story> According to one researcher he could "recognize this individual if (he) saw her in life." It's a heck of an image, I'll give them that, but she (the mummy) looks like one of any number of mummies I've seen. And yet, this man recognizes her. Sure, we would all recognize her if we saw her walking around these days. She'd be the only walking corpse about (until the zombie plague, at least). Still, he said he would recognize her in life. From that picture, that would be quite some feat. Unless of course, the researcher himself is 3,000 years old. He did, after all, know that she was a multi-tasking hardworking woman, a singer even. How could he know that unless he was there> Was she buried with her resume in hopes of obtaining a better job in the afterlife> That may explain how he knew what job she did, but how did he know she was hard-working> Everyone knows a resume is designed to make you look like you work harder than you actually do. For this man to know she was hard-working and industrious unless he knew her personally> The most startling part about this whole news report is that they left out the part about the 3,000 year old scientist. Oh, CNN. You managed to catch the Earth shattering, reason defying discovery about reports of plane crashes scaring those afraid to fly, but you missed the obvious story about a man three millennia old> You're slacking, CNN. I expect more from you in the future.

You have been informed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Robot Armies

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember just a post ago when I was talking about Tesla and atomic robots> It looks like we will be having that robot army with or without everyone's favorite Mad Scientist. At first, I find myself thrilled by this prospect. I grew up salivating over anything with robots, the bigger the better. Battletech, Robotech, Voltron, Transformers, even Robot Jox and Space Balls. How amazing, then, would it be to have real armies of real giant robots flying through space and fighting like 50' mechanical ninjas with rocket launchers> Can you imagine anything more awesome> I submit to you that you cannot.

Still, reading the article, I can't help but be concerned, worried even. No, I'm not concerned about an "inevitable rise" of "super intelligent AIs." We have the Three Laws to keep us safe in the case of automatons. Likewise, I'm not afraid of enslavement in a virtual world by robots who offered us paradise only to have our psyches unable to accept it. No, what concerns me is nothing less than science and "reason" defecating all over a childhood, nay, a lifetime worth of dreams. 

The reason for creating this army of robots is thus: "reduced casualties."

Reduced casualties. Reduced casualties> That means people don't get killed. Sure that sounds nice and wonderful, but let's consider this, shall we> If people don't get killed, then people can't possibly be piloting them. I'm sorry, but I don't know that I can live in a world with giant walking war machines if I can't hop in the cockpit and dispense some massive mechanical justice. You know what happens when you make giant robots with no pilot> They hunt down all of your super heroes. That's what. And that's also a world I can't abide.

Robot armies: good. Robot armies that I can't pilot: bad.

Call your Congressman (or other elected official) and let them know, casualties be damned. We want giant robots that we can ride in.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Nikola Tesla

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am slacking lately. I mean, wow. Two days in a row I've missed and one was a Ten Facts Tuesday! To make up for it I'm going to... well, it's hardly anything special. I'm going to do Ten Facts a day late and I'll do another post today. About something. I haven't decided what to research yet. But for now...

Today is Thomas Alva Edison's birthday, and to celebrate, I'm going to write ten commemorative facts about Nikola Tesla. Tesla was the original mad scientist. He invented a form of electricity that not only didn't kill you, but went everywhere and looked cool and made you feel like you had lightning powers. He theorized that with a series of precisely timed explosions, you could split the planet in half. I bet if he'd have lived longer and not lost funding, he'd have built an army of atomic robots. It's the world's loss. 

10 Unknown Facts about Nikola Tesla:
  1. The TV show MacGyver was based on Tesla's boyhood shenanigans.
  2. Jules Verne not only predicted nuclear submarines, but also Nikola Tesla.
  3. Nikola Tesla knows how Ted Mosby met his wife.
  4. Nikola Tesla can fly. Seriously. And not with one of his inventions. Just. Fly.
  5. By the way, for those of you wondering about the present tense verbs, Tesla totally invented a way to live forever, but his resentment of Edison keeps him from sharing with anyone who's never had an Eagle Talon High Five.
  6. Nikola Tesla taught Barney Stinson about meeting women.
  7. Nikola Tesla's socks fold themselves.
  8. Nikola Tesla is the only person in recorded history to shoot a four-pointer in basketball. 
  9. Nikola Tesla formed a rock band with Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde. He was the drummer, and as such, they didn't let him write any songs.
  10. Nikola Tesla fired an apple into orbit using a rubber band and a paperclip, which he also invented, though credit was given to someone else.
He was an amazing man, to be sure. So amazing only David Bowie could play him in the movie The Prestige (an homage to Tesla's rock band days. Did I mention he invented rock music too>). So, to celebrate Thomas Edison's birthday, I provided ten amazing facts about his underrated rival. 

You have been informed.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

American Men Hate Zen

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the past I've discussed how dancing is vital to our road to self-actualization. At work recently, we hosted a dance competition, and I was at first pleased. It was wonderful to see so many Americans taking those vital steps to ensure they're able to mentally and socially reach their fullest potential. There were so very many people dancing. Then the judges announced the winners, and I was shocked to hear that almost every male in the competition was European. It seemed there were no American males dancing. If these men aren't dancing, then they'll never be able to really develop their cognitive capacities or healthy relationships. They'll never be able to understand their true purpose in life. Men of America, get out there and dance or this country will be left in the dust on the global scene. Leaders of other countries will dance and make intelligent decisions. We can't trust our leaders unless they dance. Otherwise, they'll spend their whole term going after food, shelter, safety, and sex and not make any long term goals or focus on more broad quality of life improvements.

You have been informed.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Soul Sucking Job

Ladies and Gentlemen, my place of employment is, I believe, run by the devil. Every day I feel less and less like a person when I report for work, and the soul is what makes you you. Therefore, my job must be sucking out my soul. That's why I didn't post yesterday. After work, I was barely able to remember who I was and what my mission is: to bring truth to the world. Today, too, left me a nigh soulless husk of flesh. But one back massage later and I'm here to report that, just like your parents told you growing up, Satan really does want to subvert the truth. I can attest to that personally. I feel totally subverted.

You have been informed. 

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Slacker Brain Disorder

Ladies and Gentlemen, a CEO recently wrote a book about being fired from the company he founded and being "saved" by Starbucks. Some might argue that "saved" is a strong word. Sure he was unemployed and life didn't look so great, but was his life really in danger> The answer is a surprising yes. According to his book, after he was fired, he also was divorced and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Life turned around, it seems, when he was hired on to make coffee and "make a toilet shine like a Ferrari." 

I don't know how to add a graph to this blog, but if I did, I would make a bar graph for you. On this chart, I would show numbers on the Y axis and then a timeline on the X axis with major points on prior to being laid off and post being laid off. Prior to, the graph would show one wife and zero brain tumors. Post, the graph would show zero wives and one brain tumor. We can clearly draw two correlations. First, as occupation decreases, the number of wives decreases (a negative correlation with both decreasing 100%). Second, as the number of wives decreases, the number of brain tumors increases (an inverse correlation, I think, and an infinite percentage growth on the brain tumors front). 

Pictorial representations complete and conclusions drawn, we now move on to a syllogism. Unemployment results in a decrease in wives. All decreases in wives result in increases in brain tumors. Therefore, unemployment causes brain tumors (as is evidenced by the poor mental capacity of slackers). Therefore, it stands to reason that if a polygamist lost two jobs, he would also lose two wives and gain an infinite number of brain tumors. Fortunately for our CEO, he was no polygamist. I would also like to point out that the article makes no mention of brain tumors or divorce after he became employed with Starbucks. Therefore, we must conclude that the inverse of each of these graphs (and syllogisms) is also true. Employment leads to wives and brain health. I can attest to this fact personally by saying that I've been consistently employed for the last many years and have had zero brain tumors. Furthermore, I am engaged. Therefore, employment leads to brain health and wives.

Ladies, I have no evidence for or against the notion that employment leads to husbands. However, I also have no proof that unemployment for women leads to brain tumors, since in most states, women cannot marry other women, and thus cannot lose wives, which causes brain tumors. Historically, this may explain why women were traditionally the homemakers and men were the breadwinners. When the woman stayed at home, her homemaking resulted in no wife loss or brain tumor gain. When then man stayed at home and the woman went to work, the man risked losing his wife and having his brain grow tumors. If this is the case, this living arrangement wasn't a matter of oppression. It was a matter of health.

You have been informed. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Forgetful Future Me

Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine I have just finished talking with Future/Present Me and I have no idea what that one post was about. I think I must have forgotten about it.

By the way, happy birthday to me. I want to ask myself so many questions, but I'm afraid of spoilers. I don't want to ruin my enjoyment of Lost or who won the election anything. Though thinking about it, it couldn't have hurt too much for me to have found out who won the Super Bowl and by how much. (Man, there's something about that name that bugs me.) I did accidentally learn that Future Me is into Battlestar Galactica and has a Wii. When did that happen> Future Me is awesome.

I think instead of trying to find the right moment in time when I know what happened and it recently happened, I'll just go back to the day when Future/Past/Present Me was first posting on my blog so I can just ask myself right as I was giving the warning, right?

You will have been informed.

Annual Pessimism

Ladies and Gentlemen, today I'm celebrating the most pessimistic of all holidays: my birthday. No, I'm not pessimistic because I'm twenty-seven, hold a college degree (and graduated at the top of my class, no less), and yet am working a barely more than minimum wage entry level labor job. In fact, it isn't that I'm pessimistic. It has nothing to do with the fact that I feel as though I've accomplished nothing with my life. No, birthdays in concept are pessimistic. You're celebrating surviving another year. The party, then, seems to suggest that your continued existence is a pleasant surprise. "Oh, it's your birthday, Mr. Truth> You're a year older> We didn't think you'd make it. We thought you'd do something dumb like drive blindfolded or eat peanut butter. Well... I guess this calls for cake." 

Every time your birthday passes and people throw a party, it means they didn't think you'd live a whole year more. As though you not doing something worthy of a Darwin Award for a whole year is a noteworthy accomplishment for you. That's the kid of faith your friends and family have in you. They expected you to go fishing with dynamite. They expected you to huff too much gas or try to do a tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. But you showed them. You continued working your boring, safe, non-threatening job and diligently avoid getting killed in one of a million horrible ways. Good for you.

But they didn't think you'd make it. Even when you prove your modicum of intelligence by not attempting to parachute with an umbrella, you let them down by failing to live up to their meager expectations of your and your impending doom. That is why birthdays are the most pessimistic of all holidays.

You have been informed.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Ten Unknown Facts about Mr. Truth

Mr. Truth has tasked me with revealing to you ten unknown facts about him.  
And without further ado, here they are...

1.  Mr. Truth once gave a makeover to Stacey and Clinton from "What Not To Wear"

2.  One of Mr. Truth's favorite boardgames is RoboRally

3.  Mr. Truth had approximately the same idea for the show "Psyche" several years ago

4.  He once spent three weeks playing "Sister Christian" on the mandolin in the Australian wilderness so that this bird could learn to sing it for him.

6.  Every time Mr. Truth re-watches old seasons of "The Office", he remembers just how uncomfortable it can make him feel.

7.  Mr.  Truth can do magic tricks.

8.  When Alton Brown needs scientific culinary advice, he calls Mr. Truth

9.  Once a month, Mr. Truth attends a live action role playing game

10.  When Mr. Truth needs his cable hooked up - the cable guy asks what time he wants him to be there.  And then he's actually on time.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Your secrets have been compromised.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I slept terribly and dreamt of 3-d glasses. I know there were 3-d commercials during last night's "super bowl." I did not watch them. Because I did not watch the "super bowl." For previously discussed reasons. And yet, I dreamt about getting those darn red and blue glasses. I think NBC and Sobe have teamed up to ensure that I be advertised to no matter what. I didn't watch their silly commercials for their silly 3-d episode of Chuck. Instead, I watched five hours of buildup to them during five hours of obnoxious "Super Bowl" pre-show at work on screens whose size is measured in feet rather than inches. Double digit feet. NBC wanted to make sure I saw those commercials. They provided me with huge TVs they hoped I couldn't resist. They forced me to work during all of the pre-show hype for the commercials. They even convinced my boss to make me stay late for no good reason in hopes I'd see their silly 3-d commercials. Still, I resisted. I made my escape shortly before "The Big Game" started. I thwarted their attempts, and so they used dream-control technology to make me dream of their gimmick. 

Why, though, is what I want to know. Let's see, shall we> The commercials were for Sobe (with assistance from the movie Monsters versus Aliens) and for Chuck. I doubt very much that Sobe was part of the message. That bit was just for the money. It is a commercial after all. That leaves us with a trailer for a movie about monsters versus aliens and an ad for a show about a guy whose brain is accidentally the unwitting recipient of all of our nations most closely guarded secrets. All in 3-d. 

The purpose of 3-d is, of course, to make things appear as though they are really present. The purpose then is to either A) convince me that something typically assumed fake is real, or b) convince me that something typically considered real is fake. We have a trailer about monsters versus aliens, both of which are generally perceived to be not real. Clearly, this is meant to tell us that the message is meant to be interpreted as "Fake is really real." 

That leaves one final part to the message. Chuck is the only remaining piece of the message to fit into this puzzle. This show tells the story of a man whose brain somehow downloads all of the CIA's databases. Sure, it broadcasts as an actiony sitcom. I think, however, that NBC wanted me to get the message that the show is actually a true story. There really is a man out there carrying all of our most closely guarded secrets in his electronics store brain. 

Hmmm... but we all know that aliens really are real and the CIA is covering it all up. So maybe I was supposed to interpret that the other way. Hmmm... but that would mean monsters are real. And the CIA knows it! And a guy had this knowledge dumped into his frontal lobe like so much wrapping paper at the city dump the day after Christmas. Except, you know, the CIA files are more useful and more likely to get you hunted down and killed for retrieving. 

NBC invaded (and advertised in) my dreams to tell me that there is a man out there whose brain has been filled with CIA secrets, including those pertaining to the existence of both aliens AND monsters (and evidently, their impending war, for which we should all prepare. Note: Zombies are monsters and I've been warning about the zombies coming for years. Which means, the aliens might save us from them, unless of course Monsters versus Aliens is like Aliens versus Predators, in which case we all lose). NBC, thank you for facilitating my search for the truth, even if you did have to advertise in my dream to do it. I must find this super knowledgeable man and get those secrets the CIA is hiding so... hidingly.

You have been informed.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Un-Super Stadium Game

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm all for truth in advertising. That's why I'm boycotting the Super Bowl. I see no super powers. So no super. Bowl, perhaps. No. No bowls. There's a stadium, which I suppose is bowl shaped, but come on, that's no bowl. It's a stadium. Is it the trophy that is the bowl> No, hardly. That's a big glass football. No Super. No Bowl. Hmmm. 

Another name for this particular game is of course, "The Big Game." I'll let you have game, sure, but it's no bigger than any other game. The quarters are not longer. The players are no taller. Those are just normal sized football players throwing a normal sized football on a normal sized field for the normal amount of time. So what's big about it> We could call it the Last Game, because it is. Well, kinda. It's not the last game of the year, obviously, because the sport will pick up again in the fall. Which rules out Ultimate as well, because Ultimate just means "last." The Final Game of the Season is too wordy. No one feels like calling it the Championship Game, and really, they can hardly call it the National Championship because they didn't take on every team in the nation. College teams don't get to compete against these guys. Peewee league teams don't compete against these guys. Sure hypothetically we can assume that an NFL team will beat a peewee team, but then, all of the "experts" also never would have guessed the Cardinals would win, so lets not sell those ten year olds short, shall we> They're ten. They're short enough already. Further, we can't call it the Professional National Championship, because there are minor league teams. They get paid, just not as much.

What can we do with this> What can we call it> The Final Game Until It Starts Again In Eight Months Played by Men Paid More Than (however much the minimum is) Which Determines Not Necessarily Who Is Best, But Rather Who Won the Right Games At the Right Time> That's even wordier than The Final Game of the Season. 

So I boycott it. They say that the mind can't comprehend something it can't label, something it can't name. If I can't name one measly game, there's no way I can even begin to understand why crossing the goal line is six points, unless you do it after you've just crossed the goal line, in which case, it's only worth one third of the points, or why kicking a field goal is worth three points unless you do it after crossing said goal line, but only if you did so for the six points (and not the two), in which case it's worth only one, which is once again one third. And we're surprised when football players fail math in high school... I can't hope to understand why we get the biggest, strongest, most aggressive men we can find, and then tell them not to be too aggressive. We tell them to be tough, and then we put more padding on them than just about any other sport. I'll never understand football until I can come up with a name for the "Super Bowl."

You have been informed.