Robot Armies

Ladies and Gentlemen, remember just a post ago when I was talking about Tesla and atomic robots> It looks like we will be having that robot army with or without everyone's favorite Mad Scientist. At first, I find myself thrilled by this prospect. I grew up salivating over anything with robots, the bigger the better. Battletech, Robotech, Voltron, Transformers, even Robot Jox and Space Balls. How amazing, then, would it be to have real armies of real giant robots flying through space and fighting like 50' mechanical ninjas with rocket launchers> Can you imagine anything more awesome> I submit to you that you cannot.

Still, reading the article, I can't help but be concerned, worried even. No, I'm not concerned about an "inevitable rise" of "super intelligent AIs." We have the Three Laws to keep us safe in the case of automatons. Likewise, I'm not afraid of enslavement in a virtual world by robots who offered us paradise only to have our psyches unable to accept it. No, what concerns me is nothing less than science and "reason" defecating all over a childhood, nay, a lifetime worth of dreams. 

The reason for creating this army of robots is thus: "reduced casualties."

Reduced casualties. Reduced casualties> That means people don't get killed. Sure that sounds nice and wonderful, but let's consider this, shall we> If people don't get killed, then people can't possibly be piloting them. I'm sorry, but I don't know that I can live in a world with giant walking war machines if I can't hop in the cockpit and dispense some massive mechanical justice. You know what happens when you make giant robots with no pilot> They hunt down all of your super heroes. That's what. And that's also a world I can't abide.

Robot armies: good. Robot armies that I can't pilot: bad.

Call your Congressman (or other elected official) and let them know, casualties be damned. We want giant robots that we can ride in.

You have been informed.

War in the Eighth Dimension?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the U.S. military is stalking Wil Wheaton. If a stealth bomber flew over his house eight times, clearly they're looking for something. The dogs went crazy every time they passed over head, which makes sense. Dogs can sense stealthy things like burglars and ghosts. My question is, what do they need him for? They could probably just ask him for assistance, you know. He's an approachable guy. Their purposes must lean toward something Mr. Wheaton would not approve of. My guess is that they intend to start a war with the eight dimension and cannot simply ask Wil to lend them his oscilation overthruster (see #8) to get there because they know he's not one to condone unnecessary violence, or at least not since the AADA incident (see #5) when he became Three Laws Safe (see #10). They must be flying over trying to get a glimpse of how he built the overthruster, or at least some peek at where he keeps it.

It's a good thing you have those dogs, Mr. Wheaton, to let you know they're watching you. Now hide that oscilation overthruster quickly!

You have been informed.

10) Asimov Approved Wil

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're so close to the end of the list that I can taste it. Only two more to go, so let's get this penultimate truth explained, shall we?

10) Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!

First, for those who don't know the Three Laws of Robotics, they are as follows:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I'm not saying Wil is a robot with a positronic brain. That would be ridiculous. He's as human as you or I. Even so, he subscribes to said rules above, only replace a robot with Wil Wheaton. Thus, Wil Wheaton practices non-violence (Law One), Charity and Service (Law Two), and not being stupid (Law Three).

I can hear you readers now throwing in your refutations. "But Mr. Truth, didn't Wil beat the bajibblies out of five people at once in that AADA he set up?" Well, here's a little No-Prize for me. His becoming Three Laws Safe actually happened as a result of this. He was in shock at the ease in which he a) planned to even truly get involved in a sport where the aim was to kill others, and b) the ease with which he had single-handedly defeated all five competitors. He was a man of dangerous power. If his hands fell into the wrong hands, no hands would be safe. Some time there after, not long, but some, he was reading his favorite bbs and saw a discussion of Asimov's works. A group of devoted followers of Asimov started the "Techno-Buddhist" movement, which, while being big and complex and metaphorical and New-Agey, essentially boiled down to Asimov's Three Laws. Wil, being the big sci-fi geek that he was, adopted this new philosophy of life and behavior which would keep him, and more importantly others, safe.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Wil Wheaton

Ladies and Gentlemen, here in these United States, we often find ourselves caught up in a frenzied cult of celebrity, fueled by tabloids, headline news, and half a dozen "OMFG, she wore WHAT?" feeds. Too often we get caught up in the surface of these celebrities. Who are they dating? What projects are they working on? What drugs are they in rehab for? We find ourselves overlooking the subtleties that make them who they are. We miss their hidden little secrets. This regular installment will profile a celebrity by sharing ten facts about them that you may not know.

For this week's celebrity, I chose Wil Wheaton. Having just finished reading his book Just a Geek, I was shocked to find that while he addressed his career as an actor and writer and his nature as a geek, there were many things which only add to his geek street cred that he did not include. Below is a list of ten things about Wil Wheaton that he failed to mention in his book. And like Nigel Tuffnel's amp, this list of ten things goes to eleven.
FNORD
10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton:

1. The more Cthulu learns about Wil Wheaton, the more insane he becomes.
2. Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.
   
3. Wil knows whether or not the Johns Linnell and Flansburgh are, in fact, giants.
   
4. Contrary to the Trekkie popular belief, Wil Wheaton cannot travel around time. However, when he desires it, time will travel around him.
5. Wil Wheaton started a real AADA, but had to disband it after simultaneously defeating all five other co-founders with nothing but a Radio Flyer wagon and a single flaming oil jet. To be fair to his competitors, I must point out that it was an HD flaming oil jet.
6. Accurately depicted in GURPS, Wil Wheaton as a character would cost 413 points.
   
7. Wil Wheaton has access to seventh level disciplines.
8. Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.
9. Wil Wheaton is the Kwisatz Haderach.
10. Wil Wheaton is Three Laws Safe!
11. Wil Wheaton is Security Clearance ULTRAVIOLET.

You have been informed. FNORD