Friday, July 31, 2009

The Zombies Can Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.

That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.
  • They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
  • They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
  • They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
  • They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
  • They will be loud and annoying.
  • They will be coordinated.
  • They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
  • They will strike with coordinated military precision.
  • They will be self-aware.
I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

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