The Zombies Can Dance

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it's safe to say that when the zombie plague does come, we're all sufficiently doomed. Some of you may remember in the past when we were warned that zombies, particularly of the Nazi variety, were coming. This is, of course, bad news, but it's nothing we haven't seen coming for ages. However, a warning from a brave group of anonymous, vigilant citizens in Texas has put new light on just how serious the plague will be.



That's right. Zombie strippers are coming. Admittedly, this is not our first warning. There have been several movies about zombie strippers in the past (like this one) , at least enough for my sister-in-law to throw a zombie stripper themed party. Even so, someone realized we weren't taking the threat seriously enough and brought the awareness of the coming dangers to our real, everyday lives.

I realize some of you may be wondering what's so terribly bad about zombie strippers? Aren't strippers supposed to be sexy and fun? Aren't Nazi zombies worse? Sure, they seem terrible. They strike quickly when no one expects it and make large gains quickly, but then they defeat themselves by micromanaging, losing momentum, becoming stagnant, freezing to death in Russia. Nazi zombies would, at worst, plague the world for five years. Stripper zombies, on the other hand, would be relentless. Have you ever been to a strip club? Strippers are creepy in real life. Make that stripper a zombie, and you're in for seven new kinds of terror. To make matters worse, a stripper will never back down if they think there's a chance they can get another dollar out of you. I think it's safe to say that with zombie strippers, it's not dollars their after. Further, unlike the Nazis, who had a life span of five years--fifteen if you count the time when they were more political and less militant, strippers have been around for ages and no amount of anti-eroticism legislation has been able to contain it. One can never truly be rid of zombie strippers. On top of that, the diseases will be unimaginable. Normal zombies will naturally carry the plague, but who knows what other diseases stripper zombies will have. Plus, the music. Can you fathom staying sane in a world where one constantly hears the deafening blare of "Candy Girl" or "Hot for Teacher" on repeat one for all eternity?

There is one final aspect to zombie strippers that I find most terrifying of all. So terrifying, in fact, that I felt it deserved its own paragraph. Zombie strippers dance. "Way to state the obvious, Mr. Truth," I can hear you saying. But let's think about this. Dancing requires coordination, dexterity, agility, and other nouns that essentially boil down to one horrifying fact: zombie strippers can move, and move quickly. They can climb poles. Upside down. In high heels. Can you climb a pole? I can't. Well, I can, but slowly. And not upside down. And not in high heels (not that I've tried or anything). This in itself should send shivers down your spine. There seems to be nowhere to hide from them. Further, dancing implies rhythm and choreography. Choreography means timing and precision. Expect military-style strikes dependent on expert timing and synchronized multiple front assaults from these undulating undead.

Of course, dancing implies one more thing. A drive toward self-actualization. These zombies are out to become fully realized creatures of the night. They've pretty much got that bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy taken care of. Breathing is no longer necessary, and everyone knows strippers never sleep. They've got eating taken care of. As strippers, they're all about the sex. They're dancing, so that's covered. And as strippers, they've already moved on to the next step toward total personal awareness: employment. It's only a matter of time before these flesh-eating beasts become fully cognizant.

So, just to rehash, to keep you up-to-date on this looming threat to mankind, I'm going to review what we've learned about the dangers of zombie strippers.

• They will be nearly impossible to erradicate completely, even over the centuries.
• They will strike fear into the hearts of all.
• They will be relentless and will not stop until they've devoured everything.
• They will be carriers for innumerable diseases, not just the zombie plague.
  
• They will be loud and annoying.
• They will be coordinated.
• They will be able to climb, run, and dodge in even the worst conditions.
• They will strike with coordinated military precision.
• They will be self-aware.

I hope that you heed this warning and ready yourselves for the apocalypse to come. Forewarned is forearmed. You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum

Ladies and Gentlemen, catch-up continues. We've missed two Ten Facts Tuesdays, so here's your second Ten Facts list to make up for it.

This time, we'll focus our exploratory light on Jeff Goldblum. He acts a lot. He used to sell Macs. He is my almost sister-in-law's not so secret celebrity crush. We all know who he is. Here's a little you probably didn't know about him.

10 Unknown Facts about Jeff Goldblum:

1. Jeff Goldblum actually has two stomachs so that even his digestive system can keep kosher.
2. Jeff Goldblum is, according to classified government documents, America's first line of defense against extra-terrestrials.
3. Jeff Goldblum is immune to the germs that cause the gum disease Gingivitis. Hence, he does not need Listerine.
4. Jeff Goldblum has catlike balance, and as such, always lands on his feet unless you drop him many times upside down and then drop him right side up, at which point, habit and expectation will cause him to fall awkwardly just like the rest of us.
5. Jeff Goldblum can make the tastiest pork chops you've ever had in your life. He won't, because he's orthodox Jewish, but he could if he wanted to.
6. Jeff Goldblum likes Lucy a lot and respects her, and he would like it if they could still be friends, but he just doesn't love Lucy anymore.
7. Jeff Goldblum trains every day for the zombie apocalypse.
8. Jeff Goldblum is the modern day incarnation of Spring Heeled Jack.
9. Jeff Goldblum isn't allergic to dogs, but he is allergic to the word dog, often leading to confusion on the subject.
10. Jeff Goldblum has an XBox live achievement named after him called Jeff Goldblum, which so far, only he has earned. The requirements needed to earn are that the person must score 10,000 points for a single trick on Tony Hawk's Underground and be Jeff Goldblum.

You have been informed.

Kidnappers for Jesus

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems I'm constantly missing two and three days at a time. This time I've been working ten to twelve hour days and slipping into a NyQuil coma as soon as I get in thanks to this cold or flu or whatever it is that's been getting me down lately. I've been meaning to share something for the past few days and could never stay awake long enough to write it down.

Christian church groups, particularly "non-denominational" groups are abducting children in broad daylight. I know this may come as a shock. It shocked me, but the more I looked at the evidence, the more obvious it became. As children, I believe we were all raised by our parents to follow two simple rules to ensure our safety.

1. NEVER get into a stranger's car.
2. NEVER take candy from a stranger.

I cannot speak for your childhood, but I know when I was growing up here in the Bible Belt, there were things called Church Buses. They were typically old school buses that had been painted blue and white (they were always white with blue trim, and I don't know why). They would randomly drive through the neighborhoods taking people to church, stopping every random person they saw asking if they wanted to climb aboard and go to church. I did not know these people. I did not attend their church. Still, every week, especially during summer, they would drive down my street, see me playing in my front yard, and try to get me to go to church with them.

How would they try to convince me to climb onto this stranger's big scary bus? Candy. "Hey kid, you wanna climb on my bus and go to church with us? We've got candy!" Clearly, religious groups were trying to kidnap me when I was a child. If only I knew why. It couldn't possibly have been for ransom money. My parents were poor beyond poor. I am almost certain as a child we lived below the poverty line. Why would they do it? Why would they want to kidnap me?

My suspicion, of course, is that they were preparing for the end times, you know, the ones described in the bible where the dead rise up and there are dragons and the like. I assume that these kidnappers for Christ were attempting to raise an army of holy avengers for the coming Armageddon. Naturally they would watch to raise their warriors from childhood. After all, if Star Wars has taught us nothing else, it is that unless you train your warriors from early childhood, they'll grow up to be whiny upstarts who kill everyone and give bland "pretty boy" acting performances.

But then, I never got on that bus, so this is all conjecture.

Did anyone else have this experience during childhood? Can anyone confirm these holy warrior theories?

You have been informed.

Preparing for the End and Jealous Birds

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I had to work, and following the news of the Nazi zombie attack on Austin, I felt the need to prepare. Yesterday, I gathered several of my closest friends and ran tactical simulations for defense against zombies, particularly building and holding a tactical perimeter. What I've learned is that cars make pretty good makeshift barricades against zombies. They aren't so good at climbing over things and they can't open the doors to crawl through. I also learned that it doesn't matter how cool you are or how useful you may be as a defensive sniper, jumping from rooftop to rooftop is very bad idea. In other words, if you must snipe from the rooftops, find a good roof and stay on it. You are not an action hero. You will fall and knock yourself unconscious and be eaten by zombies. You're going to want to stage your cars early, for quick and easy access. Bring a couple extras just in case. It's no good making a barricade of cars of you have a two foot gap. Yes, it will bottleneck them, but still, it's only a matter of time before your gun jams, and then the zombies will start pouring through. If it's a big area, you're going to want at least 15 people, ten to move cars and other barricade materials, and at least five people to defend them.

I also helped bake a tasty cake yesterday.

I would also like to share with you an important fact. Birds hate airplanes. How often in the news lately have we seen planes crash or planes grounded because of birds? (aside from the Hudson River landing, because we know what that was really about.) The fact of the matter is that birds are jealous. They don't have a monopoly on air travel anymore and it's driving them nuts. So crazy, in fact, that many are committing suicide by flying into airplane windows and jet intakes just to take man out of the sky. Driven by the kamikaze spirit, these birds will do anything to keep their sky kingdom free of human invaders. I must assume that this recent rash of anti-human activity stems from some regime change. The previous, more peaceful ruler of the birds must have died and was replaced by a more radical and militant monarch. I say, those of you who have birds as pets, find out what they know. Get them talking. I hear it's easiest with parrots.

You have been informed.

They're coming.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the zombies are coming. Or at least, they were in Texas over the weekend. Two electronic road signs were modified to display the messages, "Caution! Zombies Ahead! Run for Cold Climates! The End is Near!" and "Nazi Zombies Ahead! Run!" 

Austin police call it a prank, but I am not amused. We all know that the zombie plague is coming. Clearly, there was an outbreak. There were zombies, Nazi zombies at that, and some upright citizen decided to warn the population. But no, the government with its coverups decided that just because the immediate zombie threat was neutralized by their clandestine zombie-killing squads, people should be kept in the dark. Rather than tell us the truth of the looming apocalypse so that we may better prepare ourselves, they've called it a prank so that we'll be docile and won't rush out to get guns and supplies and more importantly, question how they allowed an outbreak in the first place. Unfortunately, if they keep leading us into a false sense of security, we'll all be grossly unable to deal with the impending zombie menace. Most of us will die, and the rest of us will have to struggle for survival with no food but what we grow in those dangerous zombie-infested open fields. 

I think we should all take a moment to thank those citizens of Austin whose dedication to truth, especially warning us about the truth of the coming zombie apocalypse, reminds us to stay on our toes. The end is near.

You have been informed.

Secretary of the End of the World

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I've been unpleasantly sick and unable to move without hating the world and was thus unable to get to the computer. Today, however, I'm feeling somewhat healthier and somewhat more mobile, and so I've spent the day preparing for the inevitable zombie plague that will throw mankind back a couple centuries. It occurred to me, unfortunately, that the government does not seem to be doing anything about this looming menace, or any looming menace for that matter. It's all "Middle East" this or "War in Iraq" that. The end of the world coming. The writings on the wall. And the writing isn't just on the wall. It's in books, too. I know Obama can read, so why hasn't his Office of the President Elect not mentioned any of his administration's plans for dealing with armageddon> Why was the coming apocalypse not a major issue during the election> Come on, man! Everyone knows the world ends in 2012! That doesn't give you a lot of time to get ready and it certainly isn't the kind of thing you wait until a few months before to deal with because you're concerned about your legacy. Ladies and Gentlemen, to keep us all safe, I propose you write to your congressmen, your president, your prime minister, your queen, your... parliamentarian. Whoever rules your country, write to them and demand your government institute a Secretary of the End of the World position, perhaps even a whole office. Because those who take the end of the world lying down will find themselves lying down dead when the end of the world comes.

You have been informed. Now get out there and inform your government.

Zombie Facts

Ladies and Gentlemen, last night in New Orleans I learned quite a few things about zombies. Sure, I've watched zombies from afar, mostly watched through a scope before inserting Bullet A through Forehead B, but I've never worked with zombies up close. And for good reason. Zombies are freakin' dangerous.

Last night, however, I did get up close and personal with the zombies. Here are a few things I've learned.

• First and foremost: If you smudge some dark makeup around the eyes and maybe splash a little fake blood around the mouth, you can totally pass for the undead. Or at least I did. If you get eaten by zombies, I can't help you.
• Zombie Easter Bunnies lay zombie eggs. Awesome awesome zombie eggs.
• Zombie Easter Bunnies tend to outnumber Zombie Santas about five to two.
• Zombies don't have to be slackers. They can have worthwhile professions like police officers and strippers.
• Zombies are really good at air hockey. Really. But they choke up at Point 5, at which point you think maybe you'll make a come from behind victory, but no. The zombie finishes rolling over you after giving you a point or two. Zombies don't want to embarrass you with a close out nine-to-nil victory. Zombies are nice like that. And then they try to eat your brains.

Strange I know, but it's all true. Tonight I lurk among the vampires. Let's see what I can learn there.

You have been informed.

Vampires and Plagues.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there are strange things afoot. From time to time, I go undercover and try to figure out what the vampires of my area are up to. Mostly it's just burning down buildings and writing bad poetry and killing each other. And dancing. Some vampires really like to dance. But the vampires in Fort Worth, Texas are particularly heinous I'm told. I don't know if that means their poetry is worse or their dancing more pretentious, but I don't want to find out. What I do know, is that there's been talk among the vampires about a killer virus. Granted it killed vampires and not people, but that's beside the point. So what does any of this mean?

Recently, I ordered a board game called Pandemic. In this board game, a number of viruses are spreading all over the world and the players must work together to stop the outbreaks before all of humanity is destroyed. While shipping the board game to me, Fed Ex stopped its travel for the night at Fort Worth. The vampires surely know I'm in their midst even if they don't know who exactly I am. They've read my blog, cyberstalked me, and have intercepted my package. It can be no coincidence that a game about a humanity killing plague stopped in Fort Worth of all places.

I think these evil vampires have a deadly virus or two and are using my board game to determine how, where, and when to best release the virus(es). If they lose the game enough times in a row, they'll determine the outbreak pattern is sufficient to kill us all.

Tomorrow, I go undercover among the vampires again. I must learn more about what they want with my board game and try to stop them. I'd do it tonight, but tonight, I'm hunting zombies in New Orleans.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Robert Kirkman

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize. I've been late on Ten Facts Tuesday two weeks in a row. I've got to go ahead and do a second post today after this one to put me back on schedule.

Today, I've decided to post ten unknown facts about Robert Kirkman. Most of you, I'm sure, are scratching your heads wondering who that guy could possibly be. Robert Kirkman is a comic book artists who brings us such wonderful titles as The Walking Dead and Invincible. But here are a few things you may not know about him (in addition to the stuff listed above, which you probably also did not know, including his name).

10 Unknown Facts About Robert Kirkman:

1. Many attribute Robert Kirkman's success to his luck in finding fresh undiscovered talent. Robert Kirkman is actually so lucky, he doesn't play the lottery because it "wouldn't be fair."
2. Robert Kirkman does not have super powers on a permenant basis, but was able to temporarilly assume a few as research for the title character of Invincible to "get a feel for how a guy with those powers would react to things."
3. Robert Kirkman is Mavis-Beacon certified at 500+ words per minute. He goes through a lot of keyboards.
4. Robert Kirkman is always allowed to eat his dessert before his dinner. Always.
5. Robert Kirkman was deeply disappointed after dating his first super model, when he learned that the "super" did not mean they had powers. He hasn't dated a super model since.
6. Robert Kirkman's character Science Dog is actually based off of his own dog Rex, who won a Nobel Prize for science in 1997 under an alias.
7. Robert Kirkman was troubled as a child when he read the ending of To Kill a Mockingbird, so using sheer force of will alone he changed his copy to the much more optimistic To Save a Mockingbird. No, you can't borrow it.
8. Robert Kirkman does not have x-ray vision, but he can see x-rays.
9. Robert Kirkman writes every comic he's credited with except The Brit. His beard writes that one while he sleeps.
10. Robert Kirkman has killed more zombies than you could ever count. As such, he often gets hired as a technical consultant on zombie movies, though he requests not to be creditted so the zombies don't know who he is.

You have been informed.

How the Zombies Will Rise

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have made a shocking discovery. We all fear the inevitable zombie outbreak and the end of our world. I'm sure all of you dedicated readers ready yourselves daily for the coming undead apocalypse. However, today, I have learned that the zombie plague will almost certainly not come in the ways we've always expected. There will be no radioactive meteor. There will be no flesh-eating ecstasy. There will be no cosmetics gone awry, desecrated burial grounds, or books of arcane secrets. No, the zombie apocalypse will come not with a bang, but with a whimper. Or rather, with a yawn. I suspect the makers of Benadryl are secretly attempting to create the zombie virus and release it on the world's populace in an easy to swallow, over the counter format.

My proof? Last night, I took a Benadryl. Despite getting nine hours of sleep, I woke feeling like a corpse risen from the dead. I shambled. I couldn't think. I had a strong urge to bring bloody violence on every stupid guest and to tear my over-demanding boss limb from limb. I was hungry. Very very hungry. Co-workers commented that I looked dead. All signs point to zombie virus. Granted, their virus clearly is not as strong as they would like, I'm sure. At least, it isn't strong enough yet. But soon, I fear, perhaps during cold and allergy season in the near future, the outbreak will come as more and more people turn to the zombifying Benadryl. Consider yourself warned.

You have been informed.

Angels Don't Date

Ladies and Gentlemen, I read a blurb of an article today about two of the Navy's Blue Angel pilots being grounded for having an "inappropriate" relationship. Evidently, the act of dating or being in a romantic relationship with another person makes someone unfit to fly. I recommend when you go to the airport, make sure the pilot doesn't have a wedding ring, or your plane will surely crash. We've all seen Top Gun. We know that when pilots, especially Navy pilots fall in love, they get distracted, they get reckless. As Val "Iceman" Kilmer would say, they're "everyone's problem" because they're "unsafe" and "dangerous."

When a pilot with romantic entanglements goes up in the air, he's not thinking, "Ok, I have 100 tons of metal defying gravity and a hundred people in the back counting on me to keep us from plummeting to a fiery death. So let's double check those ailerons and make sure we have enough fuel."

No, he's thinking, "I hope I didn't leave the toilet seat up. She hates that. And then she'll nag. I miss the early days of the relationship when it was all picnics and dinner out and mo- HOLY CRAP! WE'RE CRASHING!"

Besides, the military, even the decorative aspects like the Blue Angels, are all about war, not love and babies and kisses. So good riddance to those mamby pamby dangerous pilots and their "feelings" and their "healthy human relationships."

In other news, it's Halloween. My costume recommendations: Don't go as a vampire. They may think you're one of them and then make you drink blood while you listen to their lame emo poetry. Be a zombie instead. They may think you're one of them and eat someone else.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Cher!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Ten Facts Tuesday! This week, at the urging of my fiancee and her sister, I've done a little digging into the life of Cher, famous for being almost naked at any age and belting out hits you can dance to in electrical tape and fishnet stockings. What say we get to that list, shall we?

10 Unknown Facts About Cher:

1. Cher does not believe in life after love, or anything for that matter. She bases her ideas exclusively on scientific method.
2. Cher is actually C.H.E.R., which stands for Cybernetic Humanoid Engineered for Reconnaissance. Built by the NSA to retrieve P.O.W.s in Vietnam, she turned to singing following the end of the war as a way to keep up the expensive maintenance and name brand spark plugs.
3. When slowed down to extremely slow speeds, it is revealed that Cher's vibrato is actually hyper condensed messages revealing extraterrestrial secrets. Thus, it is no coincidence the sudden surge in technological innovation since the seventies.
4. Cher can make vegan quiche, but doesn't due to her deep seated fear of the anti-omnivores.
   
5. Cher once beat Deep Blue at chess using only her pawns.
6. Cher's strength is doubled in the presence of sailor suits. The wearer need not actually be a sailor.
7. Cher can karate chop a broken board back together.
8. Cher can control goldfish with her mind.
9. Cher's imaginary friends are real.
10. Cher had a shotgun grafted into her arm to insure her preparedness when the Zombie Plague hits.

I hope you, having just read the list, feel as enlightened as I do, having just written it.

You have been informed.

This bodes poorly for the future...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I fear I have some terrible and terrifying news. You, as readers of this Illuminated blog, are certainly ever-vigilant against the hidden dangers of this world. Super villains, credit card fees, vampires, salmonella, spontaneous combustion. I regret to inform you that the leading threat against the status quo and every other quo besides has only become more dangerous. That's right. I'm talking about zombies.

As informed citizens, I trust you all own and have memorized The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. If you haven't committed its words to heart, you're just one more flesh-eating target when the time comes, and I will aim square for your head the second they bite you. That being said, those of you who have read it and learned its ways will no doubt usher in a new age of humanity after the inevitable zombie uprising. Even so, as Sun Tzu said, we must know our enemies. We have learned their ways.

They are learning ours.

While printing up glorious headshots of my friends and loved ones at Kinkos for target practice (I must get comfortable with blasting out their brains at a moment's notice), I happened to spot a discarded manuscript in the trash. I stole a quick glance at the title (attention to detail during the zombie apocalypse will be critical).

"Oh," I thought, "someone's been bootlegging The Zombie Survival Guide. Sure it's a little unethical, but think of the lives it will save."

Even so, beyond the legal issues of it being copied, something about it felt wrong to me. Something was a little... off... about it. And then it came to me. The title. I read it. Read it again. Read it closer. Took it out of the waste bin and stared in horrified disbelief. Someone had written The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection FOR the Living Dead.

I thumbed through frantically.

Chapter One: Know Your Enemy.
Page 3: "We know a great deal about humans, having all been in that sorrowful state at one time or another."
Page 7: "They're faster than us and they have better weapons, but we're nigh invulnerable and we scare them."

Chapter Two: Our Advantages
Page 26: "We can only be killed with a strong blow to the head, so wear a helmet!"
Page 28: "Remember, our senses do not depend on light; theirs do."

Chapter Three: General Human Hunting Strategy
Page 45: "Attack at night. They can't see as well as us, and the dark makes them frightened and superstitious."
Page 52: "Use psychological warfare tactics from history. Moan at all hours of the night. They won't sleep, they will mentally shaken by the sound of it, and they probably will not leave their shelters to come after you."
Page 53: "For heaven's sake, pick up your feet when you walk!"

On and on it went, detailing how to systematically pick us apart. I asked the clerk, a snotnosed college freshamn who was unaware of anything not on his iPod, about the manuscript. He told me some "smelly bum" came in and wanted to make a copy. He said the "bum" threw away the copy I was holding because the left margins were off. Guys like that are going to get us all killed. He had a zombie in his store and not only did he make no effort to destroy it, he allowed it to use his copier. He let it make duplicates of a book that could doom us all. I thought about shooting the kid in the head right there. It was only a matter of time before he goes zombie anyway, right? But I didn't. Something else was bothering me. Something big. Questions haunted me.

Where did it write this thing? Why did it need copies of this manuscript? Why would the margins be important?

And then it hit me.

I took another look at the manuscript. It all added up. The Courier New font, the double spacing. The margins were the key. One inch all around. The kid said the left margins were off. In standard manuscript format, all margins are one inch except the left one at one and a half. This zombie was looking for a publisher.

I don't normally advocate the burning of books, but so help me if this ever sees shelf space at Barnes and Noble, we're done for unless we make a bonfire so great they can see it from space and throw every copy on.

But then, maybe that was the plan after all. Book burnings are great for book sales. Somewhere out there, there is a zombie who either wants to destroy humanity or make a ton of money. Either way, I don't like it. Either way, we need to be ever mor cautious in our dealings with the undead.

You have been informed.