War in the Eighth Dimension?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the U.S. military is stalking Wil Wheaton. If a stealth bomber flew over his house eight times, clearly they're looking for something. The dogs went crazy every time they passed over head, which makes sense. Dogs can sense stealthy things like burglars and ghosts. My question is, what do they need him for? They could probably just ask him for assistance, you know. He's an approachable guy. Their purposes must lean toward something Mr. Wheaton would not approve of. My guess is that they intend to start a war with the eight dimension and cannot simply ask Wil to lend them his oscilation overthruster (see #8) to get there because they know he's not one to condone unnecessary violence, or at least not since the AADA incident (see #5) when he became Three Laws Safe (see #10). They must be flying over trying to get a glimpse of how he built the overthruster, or at least some peek at where he keeps it.

It's a good thing you have those dogs, Mr. Wheaton, to let you know they're watching you. Now hide that oscilation overthruster quickly!

You have been informed.

1960s Rock Science

Ladies and Gentlemen, we all know the Beatles were great musicians, but what you may not have known is that they were also scientists. Paul McCartney is now trying to release an experimental track they laid down in the 1960s called "Carnival of Light," in which they wandered around the studio banging on all kinds of things and shouting random things. You may be wondering how that makes them scientists. I'll illuminate.

• The track is "experimental." Scientists do experiments. Need I say more, I ask. No, I need not. But out of consideration for my readers, I'll tell more.
• Sound is a wave. The song is a random assortment of sounds. Light is a wave\particle. The song is called "Carnival of Light." Clearly, light and sound are at least moderately similar from a physics standpoint.
  
• Scientists recently managed to stop light and then restart it. The Beatles stop and start their sounds throughout the song.
  

If you read between the lines and analyze the similarities, clearly the scientists who stopped light were following on groundwork laid by the Beatles in the 1960s. The Beatles were hardcore particle physicists in their time, but due to their amazing popularity as singers, they decided the time was not right to come out as the brilliant nerds they were. After all, had they revealed themselves to be nerds then, they would have stopped selling records, and particle physics experimentation is crazy expensive. Not until the 1980s with the Hong Kong Cavaliers could a band be rockin' and rocket scientists. Even so, the Fab Four couldn't stand the idea of their hard work advancing human science going unused, so they slipped in references into their song "Carnival of Lights" in hopes of scientists deciphering the meanings and continuing their research. And now that contemporary science has finally caught up to their discoveries, the time is right for the song to go public. And for those asking why it couldn't be released earlier, don't forget that the song was written during the Cold War and the Beatles played all over the world. They couldn't risk the Russians getting the secrets to stopping light, lest they pull a caper of Lex Luthor proportions and block out the sun over the free world. That's the Beatles for you. Always looking out for democracy. Don't even get me started on Seargant Pepper as coded battle plans for our only successful major operation in Vietnam.
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And once more, we find ourselves one day older and one post wiser. Next time you listen to the Beatles, take a moment to really soak in the lyrics and ask yourself, what the glass onion really was.

You have been informed.

8) The Adventures of Wil Wheaton Across the 8th Dimension

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're almost through with our exploration of Wil Wheaton's sordid geeky past. Four more to go. Today, we discuss a little extra-dimensional travel Wil did in his younger days.

8) Wil Wheaton once visited the eighth dimension using his own home-made oscilation overthruster.

When The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension came out in 1984, a young Wil Wheaton found himself sitting in awe on a darkened movie house. How he longed for a jet car. How he longed for Buckaroo to invite him to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers. He even contemplated what his nickname would be and what he'd wear. More than all of that, however, he wanted to drive through a mountain.

Flash forward several years.

Stand By Me was a huge success. Star Trek: The Next Generation was a hit. Wil Wheaton had some liquid assets behind him. He discovered into GURPS, Warhammer, and Car Wars. But he still remembered the work of the Banzai Institute. Finally old enough to drive, Wil decided to make an oscillation overthruster and attach it to his first car. For weeks, months, he poured over the design in his trailer on the set. Finally, sometime later, he finished it. He hooked it up to a golf cart and began racing around the back lot, trying to find a good spot to use it. After considerable effort, a number of failures, and the chagrin of lot security, he did it. He entered the eigth dimension. And he was disappointed that the Lectroids didn't actually speak with Jamaican accents.

Historically, there are two important notes to be made:

1. Thisis the reason he always got in trouble for speeding around in and crashing golf carts. It took a few attempts to actually finally go through the wall rather than just through the wall.
2. Realizing the dream of turning one sci-fi dream into a reality directly resolved him to start his own AADA only a year later.

You have been informed.