Molemen Housing Market And 10 Things You Should Know

Ladies and Gentlemen, the wedding ceremony is over, the move is for the most part complete and I can settle back into a routine. You know... before the school year starts next week. It'll be a very short routine, I guess. Still, I had to share this important bit of news from Canada. I was checking CNN's website and I saw this video.



There was no audio, so I knew they were trying to hide something from me. All I saw were large, house-sized holes in the middle of a Toronto high way. Officials are calling them "sinkholes," but really I believe they are signs that the mole men housing market--and thus economy--are on the rebound. Clearly, there's such a demand for housing in the subterranean world that contractors no longer have the manpower or resources to completely fill the need. So what do they do? They cut corners. They steal resources from us surface dwellers. A couple thousand square feet of prime Toronto asphalt should make a great foundation for a home, yes? A little excavation and it's all theirs.

But never fear. They aren't stealing entire houses, which means you should have no fear of them stealing your home. They aren't really into Tudor styles or California stuccos anyway. All they want is the foundation. No harm, no foul.

You may be wondering how I can possibly say "no harm" when there are gaping holes in Canadian highways. Simple. This sort of behavior is good for us in several ways.

• It creates construction work jobs.
• It means the mole people are leading more domestic lifestyles right now. More babies and college funds and less doom and gloom.
• A vibrant mole people economy prevents inflation in ours. After all, when they do well, they invest in technologies that let them hold cities for ransom, which in turn takes money out of an economy flooded with stimulus and bailouts. We get the perks of extra money jolted into the economy without the drawbacks of it staying there.
• With the mole people housing market on the rise, now is a fantastic time to improve your portfolio by investing in subterranean real estate.
  

That being said, I thought I'd share a list of ten facts to keep in mind during this Mole Man Housing Boom.

10 Unknown Facts about the Mole Man Housing Market

1. When things are bad, the market isn't bottoming out, it's hitting surface. In Mole People economies, up/top is bad, down/bottom is good.
2. Don't invest in lumber. Wood rots underground. They like to build with stone and clay.
3. Mole people live communally. Don't even think your plan for studio apartments will work.
4. Contrary to popular belief, mole people don't like earthtones. They get them enough as it is. Think blues, pinks, and purples.
5. Don't bother with walk-in closets. They all wear the same uniform. They don't need a lot of space for their wardrobes.
6. If someone tries to sell you Carlsbad Caverns, don't buy it. It's just like someone up here trying to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.
   
7. If someone tries to sell you Mammoth Caverns, don't buy it. Bad neighborhood. You'll only lose money on your investment.
8. The standard for their currency is Atari game cartridges. There was a brief period of massive inflation in 1988 when molemen miners and prospectors in Texas discovered a huge cache of E.T. and Pacman cartridges.
9. It's dark down there, but don't being a flashlight to read those mortgage papers. They'll take the bright light as an assault, which leads to showtrials in kangaroo courts and public executions. Instead, ask to take the papers home to look over for a night. It's much safer.
10. If you meet the Mole Princess, she will invariably fall in love with you and betray her tyrant father. If you cannot avoid meeting her, make sure your deals are closed first. All out war between surface dwellers and mole people tends to gum up the works of business transactions (though if you win, you might just get that property for free).

Hopefully with this knowledge, some of you will be able to pull yourselves out of this economic crisis we're in and make a bright shiney future for yourself. I've given you the tools to be the next subterranean real estate tycoon. What you do with it is your choice.

You have been informed.

Writer's Block Will Be the Death of Me

Ladies and Gentlemen, I haven't had any decent ideas for anything to turn my investigative eye on in a while, so I haven't been writing here. I've gotten stumped on my novel even though I know pretty much exactly what I want to say. I'm often unable to come up with adventures for my Friday night gaming group until the very last minute. Even today, while at work, I had an idea for a post here and then poof, gone she went. I can't hold onto an idea to save my life. Because this blog and my future career depend on imparting ideas, I can only assume that means something wants me dead. Some precognitive spirit can see my future and knows that any day now I'll walk down some dark alley and a mugger is going to pull a gun and say, "Give me all your ideas," and I, being unable to provide any, will be shot.

You see, there's an old saying. "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." Yeah, he eats, but it'll be a short lifetime from mercury poisoning. I mean, man can't live on fish alone. Maybe it should be "If you teach a man to fish, farm, and probably hunt as well on top of any marketable trade skill you can teach him such as carpentry or gun repair, he eats for a lifetime." But I digress.

The point is, in this economy, it's not enough to get money for today. Everyone wants financial security. A standard Watch-N-Wallet Mugging feeds a man for a day, possibly a week if the watch is a Rolex. But a mugger who steals ideas is investing in his future. A stolen storyline can be turned into a novel, to reap a comfortable residual income over several months or years. Likewise, a stolen innovation can lead to patents that can theoretically ensure even one's children eat for life. A stolen lyric makes its way into a song whose royalties will pay for a Rolls Royce. The intelligent mugger these days will not ask for cash, but rather for stock tips. The creative criminal will not demand an individual's shoes, but rather his clever screenplay pitch.

Thus it will be with me when I walk down that unforeseen dark alley and a man with a gun demands a clever idea for a TV show or blog post, and I will die because of my writer's block.

Note to self: Find out who's out to kill you by keeping you from developing any ideas.

As for the rest of you, keep a notebook of random thoughts in your pocket. It could save your life. Especially if you're prone to traveling down menacing streets at night.

You have been informed.

The Somali Economy and You

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems every time we turn on the news or open the paper, we find another report of yet another naval incursion by Somali pirates. We shun Somalia; we question their lawlessness. In actuality, however, we should encourage Somalia. After all, the nation has been devastated by internal struggles since it gained its independence in 1960 (along with many other African nations). It's been plagued by one ineffectual government after another. In fact, Somalia's GNP is less than the net worth of at least eighty individuals on the face of the earth, including Bill Gates. That's right. Bill Gates could buy Somalia if he felt so inclined, and still have enough money left over to buy all of its neighbors. In fact, research shows that a large percentage of Somalia's money comes from Somali ex-patriots wiring money to friends and family in the motherland.

What does this have to do with pirates? Thank you for asking, hypothetical reader. With a sizable portion of Somalia's GNP coming from outside of the nation, the country clearly lacks for reliable exports with which to locally sustain its own economy. Somalia does have some agrarian capabilities--bananas are one of their major, one of their only for that matter, exports. These farms, however, provide only 40% of the nation's income. That's forty percent of 5.7 billion dollars, or roughly 2.28 billion dollars from these crops. Somali needed to explore new potential exports. As a coastal country, the fishing industry was a possibility and were it not for the incursion of foreign ships, may very well have been a lucrative one at that. However, being outfished by foreign nations, Somalia had to turn its eyes to the only other logical potential aquatic export: pirates.

Historically, England, France, Spain, China, even the U.S. (or the colonies, to be more accurate) to a lesser degree all possessed markets for pirates. It seemed a wise investment. They could start a pirate industry and sell their pirates to these other countries. Unfortunately for Somalia, the global demand for pirates has dwindled in recent centuries. Upon trying to export their pirates to other countries, Somalia often found foreign nations actively refusing to import the pirates, driving them away at the borders of their waters with large gunboats. Somalia, being thus discouraged, set out to prove the quality of their pirates as both a commodity and an investment.

Currently, Somali pirates control between ten and twenty foreign vessels and several hundred sailors with an average ransom of two million dollars. They're attempting to show the safe return on an investment in Somali Piratestm. After all, these pirates have secured over one billion dollars resale value of merchandise (20% of Somalia's GNP), which can then be resold, adding to a nation's exports, or these ships can be ransomed for a net gain of upwards of fifty million dollars! It's a remarkable return for one's investment in piracy, considering the costs of conducting piracy operations are considerably lower. It's a safer investment than the stock market! Further, cultivating a national pirate industry not only creates jobs and alternative export possibilities, it also promotes economic growth in related industries, such as ship and weapons manufacture, and adds hostages to a nation's list of profitable exports. It's a huge growth industry!

The international community is putting a lot of pressure on Somalia for its pirate industry, but really, we should admire them. They're a country that's truly looking outside the box during these hard economic times for unexplored, reliable means of generating income. Demand may be down for their products and services, but at least they're trying. Further, with the popularity of pirates in film and television growing, it's only a matter of time before demand also rises, which will increase the price for a good pirate. We, as a nation, should invest now before the price per pirate becomes unreasonable. We should encourage this sort of creative problem solving by demanding our senators push to help a struggling third world nation out by purchasing Somali Piratestm of our own. France and England can join suit and we can shake it up like the old days. After all, when was the last time we had a really good naval battle? Fifty, sixty years ago? Too long.

Invest in pirates. They'll turn this economy around.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Al Gore

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry I've been away so very very long. I've been caught in a dizzying flurry of activity, what with work, mountains of job applications, errands to EVERYWHERE, and planning for my June wedding. It's been a nightmare just trying to find sleep, let alone Truth. Still, I couldn't miss Ten Facts Tuesday.

This week, we'll be learning a bit more about one of America's favorite (to mock) former vice presidents, Al Gore (it's his birthday today). We've heard all about his accomplishments. His Nobel Peace Prize, his invention of the internet, his sleep-inducing lecture documentary about global warming that reminded us all of being college freshmen without the beer, awkward dating, and 2:00 a.m. Nerf wars. I'm tired. I was at work last night until the time I normally clock in for work in the morning. I'm skipping the rest of the intro and going straight to the facts. Sorry, Al.

10 Unknown Facts about Al Gore:

1. Al Gore sounds like a robot because he is a robot. I know, this one is the fact most likely to be already known.
2. Al Gore wanted to be a pirate growing up until he realized how completely ineffective and inept modern pirates are.
3. Al Gore can only draw polygons with a prime number of sides.
4. Al Gore's favorite hobby is swimming with the dolphins. Yes, he can swim. His metal frame is made of an exceptionally light--but durable--titanium alloy. And yes, he's water-proof.
   
5. Every day for breakfast, Al Gore eats 3.14 pies. Yes, Al Gore can eat.
6. Al Gore can pull quarters from behind anyone's ear. He laments that if he could only pull larger denominations of currency, he could pay off these mounting national debts and save the economy.
7. Al Gore has friends exactly like the friends on Friends.
8. Al Gore knows exactly how many Earths were involved in the so called "Crisis on Infinite Earths."
9. Al Gore once hunted the Loch Ness Monster all the way across the Serenghetti, which is why sonar tests were not always able to detect the beast in the lake.
10. Al Gore loved Will Eisner's The Building so much he built a large apartment building in the hopes that over the course of its history four people who felt unimportant in life would die there so that their ghosts could watch over it and ultimately find validation to their existences. This is clearly not the best idea he's ever had.

Yup. I'm totally going to sleep now.

You have been informed.

Rare hands are not much better than normal hands

Ladies and Gentlemen, surgery is getting ridiculous. In this tight economy, people are being picky even with their organ transplants. While perusing the news, I saw an article about a man receiving a rare hand transplant. Really> A rare hand transplant> The subheading states that this is the sixth such hand transplant in the nation. Come on, people. Money's tight. Don't flaunt your wealth with your rare hand transplants. Get common hand transplants. Ordinary hands, I'm sure, will work just as well as rare ones. The doctors even say that with all hand transplants, it takes some time before they get full use and early on, small amounts of movement are ordinary. That's right, buddy. You just spent all of that extra money on your rare hand and it isn't even acclimating to your body any faster than a common hand. And the worst of it is that this is the sixth such surgery in this country. Five other people have had that hand grafted to their bodies. A smart consumer would have checked with previous hand owners to see if the rare hand was really worth the extra money. In this economy, we simply cannot be too careful with our purchases. It's up to us to be wise consumers and cut the unnecessary extravagances from our purchases. Our budgets won't fix themselves after all.

You have been informed.

The Return of the Barter System

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been absent for a few days. I've been insanely busy keeping an eye on those vampires. They haven't really been up to much lately. All I really learned is that any museum owned by a vampire will be attacked and/or damaged about once a month. No, the real research I've done lately is into the economy, holidays, and a possible solution to our financial woes. Let me begin.

Today is Fat Tuesday, or as we celebrate it here in the South, Mardi Gras. Down here, schools let out, banks close, parades fill the streets causing traffic to come to a grinding, screaming, dancing halt, and people party like it's the day before forty consecutive days of anti-fun. Because it is.

The most important thing to take from Mardi Gras in these times, however, is the notion of beads. They're cheap. They're plastic. They're given away for free. Even so, for a few days a year, they're practically legal tender. With beads, you can obtain beer, moon pies, nudity, and so many other things. It's a debauched barter system. But for a few days a year, it works.

My question is, if it's good enough for an entire region of the country, why can't the rest of the nation use it? It could jumpstart the economy. There may be a dollar deficit, true, but surely there must be a bead surplus. Why else would they be thrown out freely at Mardi Gras parades? Further, even though they are free to come by, you can still purchase valuable goods and services with them. It's an ideal new currency: abundantly available without risk of value deflation (at least, not until Ash Wednesday, when everything you can buy with beads becomes something to avoid for the next month and a half).

Can you imagine the financial peace of mind you'll feel when your mortgage payment comes due, and though you have no money in the bank, you know you can simply pay for your land with a bunch of beads? There's even a historical precedent for in the U.S. for buying land with beads, so it shouldn't be too difficult a system to reinstate. What could possibly go wrong?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a parade to go to, and they're throwing out free plastic money on a string.

You have been informed.

The Rainbow Comspiracy

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's something in the water. Oh sure, we've been saying it for years. The government's putting something in the water. But now there is proof that our drinking supply has been compromised.



You see that? Rainbows! From a sprinkler! You never saw this twenty years ago. I know I never saw it twenty years ago when I was a small child playing in my sprinkler. I thought I did, but she said I never did, and she's older, so she must be right. Something is clearly being injected into the water that's causing light to refract the same way it does up in the atmosphere after rain. Perhaps some put those "metallic oxide salts" in our water supply and oxygen supply that are causing this. I will say, however, that I don't think that this is a threat to our health, at least not directly. No, this is a threat to our well being. This is not the work of the government. This is the work of leprechauns.

Leprechauns are hoarders, amassers of treasure, which they hide away. Whether this money is made through ill means or an endless stream of shoe repair has yet to be determined. What is known is that it is commonly believed in America that leprechaun treasure is at the end of rainbows. While there is little evidence in Irish folklore that this is the case, the belief still persists. As such, with the economy growing ever more sour, the leprechauns who have immigrated to the U.S. over the years are no doubt growing increasingly concerned over the safety of their valuables. They've added metallic oxide salts to the water supply to create additional rainbows and draw people away from where their treasure is really located. What's more, once an individual has found the end of a rainbow, it's very likely that a leprechaun will be waiting for him, using his smooth talking ways to con said treasure seeker out of whatever they have on them, perhaps by trying to sell him a condo or an AMWAY distributorship. After all, leprechauns have bills too, and it's not like there are a lot of job opportunities for shoe repairmen anymore. Plus, they also kinda feel justified in taking people's money as repayment for the way their stereotyped in the media. It is, after all, those who believe the "pot o' gold" myth that follow rainbows anyway.

Fact: Leprechauns are amassing wealth. Rainbows are increasing. But don't be fooled. The rainbow is an ambush.

You have been informed.

And as a bonus today:



Good luck topping that one, internet.

Obama's Challenges, Part 1

Ladies and Gentlemen, by this point we all realize how flawless our electoral system is. It lets our support blossom. An impressive 55% popular vote majority can bloom into a two thirds majority electoral vote. Hope grows. However, all is not sunshine and daisies for President-Elect Barack Obama yet. He has his work cut out for him in his four-year term. He's inheriting a major financial crisis, two wars, immigration, health care, education, national security and foreign policy, social security, climate change, and uniting America. That's a tall order for just one man (and the house, and the senate and 55% of Americans). So, as a sign of my support for our new president, over the next few days I'm going to offer a few suggestions to help Obama work through this massively backlogged presidential inbox of responsibilities.

1) The Economic Crisis

This one is easy. As we all learned from the Bush administration following 9/11 and this recent hardship, the answer is always "spend more money." Too much credit got us into this mess. Too much credit will get us out. It works in Paranoia. It worked in that episode of Sliders with the SkyMall. Simply require Americans to spend a percentage, upwards of 80% of our income on frivolous things we don't need (since I pay 20% in taxes right now on average) . This will put more money into the economy, create jobs and jumpstart industry. Saving money is unpatriotic. Plus, it will keep me from getting into trouble with my fiancee when I purchase more board games instead of saving for the wedding.

"But what about my bills?" you may ask. We have all of this credit, right? Too much? Use it, baby! To paraphrase Palin, "Charge, baby, charge!" In abusing all of this credit we have now, credit lenders will realize how foolish they were to give us so much in the first place, thus preventing them from ever making the same mistake in the future. Besides, what's more American than debt? Problem solved.

2a) The War in Iraq

I specifically recall George W. Bush saying this war would be over in months when we started it. I also remember him saying several months later that the war was won. We all know that the Dubya would never lie to us. That means its over, right? Has been for years. This is not a problem. Break out the pina coladas for some celebratory victory drinks.

2b) The War in Afganistan (it is Afganistan, right? Or is it the War on Terror? Or Drugs? Or Obesity? We've declared so many wars recently, it's hard to keep up.)

Ok, we have to do this one one war at a time. If the war is in/on:

• Afganistan: Shoot the bad guys. Everyone knows this is how wars are fought. We must not be shooting enough bad guys if it's still going on. Not winning? Shoot more bad guys. And people think military strategy is hard. Bah!
• Terror: Ban scary movies and books. Let's lock up Steven King and Dean Koontz and ship them off to Guantanimo. We'll get Wes Craven too on attempted terror. And I love you, but sorry, Dad. Looks like you have to go too for telling me those scary stories as a child. Maybe next time we'll learn our lesson and declare war on terrorism instead.
• Drugs: We begin an aggressive new ad campaign. Here's the shot. We're in an airport. A fat, sweaty, unshaved man in tight sweatpants and an REO Speedwagon shirt is standing in line glancing nervously around. A customs agent pulls him out of line. We see him take the man into a back room. Close-up of a latex glove going on the agent's hand. Shot of lube optional. Close up of our drug mule's face cringing in pain during the cavity search. We pull back. Our agent is seen standing behind a pantsless drug mule. He holds a balloon of cocaine. Then we get the following caption: "This is how the drugs you just took entered the country. Any questions?"
• Obesity: We sue fast food places until they can't afford to sell us high fat, high cholesterol, high calorie meals anymore. Since we've shown that we as Americans are incapable of taking personal responsibility, we must instead punish those who enable us to make our own bad decisions.
  

3) Immigration

What we do is we build a big wall with barbed wire and trenches and guard dogs and machine guns along the border. You know, kinda like that one they had in Berlin a few years ago. That'll keep people from wanting to leave a bad situation to move to a land of freedom and opportunity. Anyone industrious enough to get passed that we probably want in our country anyway. They're smarter than the average bear, and should be immediately put to work developing super science gizmos like time-freezing rays and jet packs. If you can build a jet pack for me, I'm all in favor of giving you citizenship.

Tomorrow, we'll tackle the next three items on the list.

You have been informed.

Terrorism of the Knees

Ladies and Gentlemen, I seem to be suffering some form of awfulness. While working hard today to put on a conference for the National Council on Economic Education, my knee inexplicably began to give me awful pains and even started to swell a little. I could recall hitting it on no large objects and/or pieces of furniture or building. Further, I remembered no twisting steps, trips, or other incidences of lost footing. I felt bewildered and befuddled over the injury's origins while simultaneously beleaguered and besieged by said inexplicable injury. With no direct incident to cite as the catalyst for my knee infirmity, I could reach only one explanation:

Terrorists.

It explained why my knee hurt with no impact or twist, no misuse or abuse. After all, I was working for the National Council for Economic Education. The Terrorists know that our economy is failing and want to stop every effort for us to turn it around. Hence, a knee injury while tending to those intent on teaching proper economics. Those crafty Terrorists.

As a man named Truth, I must confess, Ladies and Gentlemen, that I was wrong in my initial guess. My first assessment was Communists. After all, they too had a vested interest in seeing our capitalist free market economy fail. But then I realize how silly that sounded. Communists made my knee hurt? Communists! Ha! What is this, 1987? Every one knows Communists aren't a threat. That was simply me thinking back to the golden days of my youth in which in which we wrongly believed that Communists were behind every terrible thing to happen. Oh how young and naive we were. Now that we know what Communism really is, we are able to see the truth of the matter. It's always Terrorists who are behind every plot. It always has been, and it never was Communists. Just like we've always been at war with Eurasia and allied to Eastasia.

For this reason, I must keep moving, even though it hurts my knee and will probably only exacerbate the problem. Because if I stop walking on my injured knee, the Terrorists win.

(On second thought, I have been using a lot of big words, and we all know that colleges are hotbeds for Communists and Socialists... Nah, it's always Terrorists now)

Now if you don't mind...

You have been informed.

How Tokyo can save the economy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we here at The Truth of the World are dedicated not only to discovering truths and bringing them to light, but also finding ways to use this truth to improve the world we live in. By now I'm sure you're all aware of the condition of the U.S. economy right now, and I'm sure you're all just as worried as I am. However, I think I may have found a solution through shared resources with Japan, the world's second largest economy. Our countries already have a strong bond of shared markets. We buy Japanese technology and they buy our culture. But the solution to this economic downfall is not more sharing of commerce. The answer we need is to share Japan's greatest natural resource: kaiju. For those of you unfamiliar with kaiju, they are large prehistoric and extraterrestrial beasts with a tendency to attack the island powerhouse from time to time. To date there are over thirty documented kaiju, including Godzilla, Mothra, and many others. What we need is to borrow some of these monsters from Japan, luring them to the West Coast of the United States using radiation, loud noise, and perhaps a large pile of fish.

You may be wondering how these monsters could possibly save our economy when they destroy so much. Please indulge your humble informer a moment's attention.

There have been twenty-eight documented kaiju attacks on Japan, especially the greater Tokyo area since 1954, averaging a little more than once every two years. Prior to these first attacks, Japan's economy was solid, but not great, not a powerhouse. However, since these monsters have begun attacking Japan, the country has grown tremendously in economic terms. This seems counter-intuitive, but I assure you it makes perfect sense.

• With the need to rebuild a constant concern, construction workers and unskilled laborers have an nigh endless supply of work, thus producing a very low unemployment rate. Almost every citizen pays taxes and contributes to the economy.
• If infrastructure is in a state of perpetual rebuilding, the system becomes substantially easier to maintain at a cutting edge state. In our nation, we hesitate to upgrade energy production and other industries to the latest technologies because a complete overhaul is costly. However, if we have to rebuild entirely anyway, the extra expense to upgrade infrastructure becomes a negligible amount tacked on.
  
• These constant monster attacks increase funding to the military industrial complex, which, though sometimes dangerously self-serving, has a tendency to produce our most cutting edge, state-of-the-art technology, which in turn bolsters our economy as we export the technology abroad. You think it's a coincidence Japan is an economic powerhouse? They built the Maser canon.
• The constant external threat of kaiju provides internal stability politically and socially. During times of crisis, especially against external threats, people tend to cling together and support one another. The petty political rivalries would take a back seat to the cooperation of a people determined to do all within their power to meet the needs of every citizen before, during, and after a crisis.
• Consumer good production would increase as citizens replace lost clothing, furniture and other personal items after each attack, resulting in an economic boom for almost every industry.
  

There are numerous advantages to the threat of a few kaiju every couple of years. I for one think our great nation would benefit greatly from said attacks. I can hear some of you telling me that we had our chance and we blew it. We had King Kong attack New York in 1933, which in theory should have pulled us out of the Great Depression. However, I would like to point out that King Kong was smaller than most kaiju. He barely towered over any buildings and died before he could cause any great damage. Were he bigger, he would have done more damage and that fall from the Empire State Building would not have killed him. A true kaiju would have caused more damage and pulled us from the depression seven years early, which could have potentially prevented World War II. We don't want another World War. Its time we put pressure on Japan to stop monopolizing this colossal monster threat so that other economies can prosper as well. I saw we start a petition. Japan, share those monsters! We promise not to kill this one!

You have been informed.

Will the U.S. Government Save Us from Vampires?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we are all fully aware of the horrible economic crisis that's lurking in the shadows and under our beds and in our closets and really just about every where you look these days. I personally am working two jobs and can't even afford an apartment (stupid student loans, but that's a topic for another day). Couple this with the huge mortgage bubble bursting and we're looking at some serious economic hard times. But these hard times have more lasting ramifications that most people anticipate. Let's follow this crisis logically to its conclusion, shall we?

1. The economy is shaky.
2. People stop buying things in worry.
3. Business drops off and people aren't working as much anymore.
4. People make less money and thus have less money to put back into the economy.
   
5. The economy becomes shakier.
6. The price of goods, including groceries, increase.
   
7. People have a hard time paying their mortgages. (~10% of mortgages are delinquent or foreclosed)
   
8. Mortgage companies fail.
9. The economy begins its crumble.
10. People lose jobs.
    
11. People lose their homes as they default on mortgages.
12. Increased homeless population and unemployment rates rise.

That's the direction we're headed. But who's responsible? Some say the federal government for deregulating Wall Street and other businesses, thus allowing the bubble to form in the first place. Others blame the abundance of unsecured credit and the ease of declaring bankruptcy (which has been made more difficult in recent years). Still others blame the ever growing cost of the war in Iraq. I think the truth is far more evil. Who benefits from an increased homeless population? Vampires.

• FACT: Vampires can't enter a person's home without permission. No home, no problem.
• FACT: Vampires are repulsed by garlic. With rising food prices, who can afford garlic?
• FACT: People are selling off their precious metals to pay their bills meaning less silver to fight off, well, werewolves, so maybe that doesn't have to do with vampires, but it does not mean they aren't in league here.
• FACT: Vampires can't cross running water. It's hard to make a makeshift river if you can't pay your water bill (or don't have a hose).
• FACT: Vampires tend to look gaunt and sickly. What better disguise that one of the teeming masses of homeless?

Never fear, however. The federal government is working on a solution. The proposed $700 billion dollar bailout could save the housing marking, preventing the surplus homeless population. But will it be enough?

And now that I think of it, could this have been the vampiric plan all along? After all, buying up the foreclosed homes doesn't mean the government won't kick the financially strapped families out anyway. And if the vampires have gained control of the government, does that not mean that the undead themselves own the houses, thus allowing them to enter at least 10% of all homes in the US without requiring permission, thus giving them access to the same people who would have been homeless, only now the blood is healthier and the feeding more discrete? Well played indeed, vampires. Well played indeed.

America, we must fight this. We must band together and do everything in our power to keep our bills paid. Otherwise the vampires win.

You have been informed.