10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert

Ladies and Gentlemen, Stephen Colbert is not only the voice of our nation, or at least, the much more witty voice of our angry upper middle class republicans, he's also an avid supporter of Dungeons and Dragons and other awesome hobbies. Here's a few things you may not know about him. 

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert:

1. Stephen Colbert's distrust of bears comes from a childhood slight by Yogi Bear, who gave young Stephen abandonment issues after his cartoon was cancelled. Stephen has never forgiven the ursine species.
2. Stephen Colbert is the only American to have fought in every war the U.S. has been involved in. He admits, reluctantly, that for most of these wars, his role was one of "historic reenactor."
3. Stephen Colbert invented Truth, thus allowing improv pioneer Del Close to write his book Truth in Comedy.
4. Stephen Colbert's Colbert Nation is a real nation landlocked in South Carolina. He was elected president for life with an astounding 97% landslide.
5. Stephen Colbert actually has amazing super telescopic vision. He wears glasses to counteract this so he doesn't constantly get an eyeful of everyone's pores. 
6. Stephen Colbert is America. Literally. Like many myths of old, the nation is made from the remains of his body. What we see on television is simply an avatar of his awesomeness. And despite what his book says, so can you not be. Not everyone's body can be a continent.
7. Stephen Colbert taught Optimus Prime how to transform into an eighteen wheeler. Yes, that means Stephen Colbert can transform into an eighteen wheeler.
8. Stephen Colbert defeated the Tomb of Horrors single-handedly. He told his story to a publisher he met in the bar, asking that it be published as a memoir. Gary Gygax instead published it as an adventure module for 4-6 9th level adventurers.
9. Stephen Colbert makes his hamburgers entirely from scratch, including raising the cow (for both cheese and beef) and growing the wheat. 
10. Stephen Colbert actually lives on Cloud Nine. The hardest part was developing perpetual anti-gravity boosters for the house. That and figuring out exactly which cloud was #9. 

You know what> This is my least favorite part of Ten Facts Tuesday. The post-fact glow, where you and your reader experienced something wonderful together, but now that it's over you feel obligated to say something to acknowledge the special moment you just shared, and so you end up talking, saying something stupid, trying sum up what just happened, trying to make conversation in the increasingly awkward situation because you can't just shut up and let you both bask in the afterglow of the experience.

So I'm not going to do it today. Nope, no awkward post-facts talking this week.

You have been informed.

My Mind has been Flayed!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I had a dozen ideas for things to research, but each and everyone one of them has vanished from my mind. Illithids must have devoured my thoughts and memories today. It'd explain why I was so absent minded. Stupid Mind-Flayers. Why are they coming after me> I'm not nearly high enough level for it to be worth their time. The XP they'd get from me would be paltry indeed. But then, as flayers of minds, perhaps it's my intellect they sought. They wanted my truth, but didn't want to read my blog. So they're lazy. Or they're greedy and they wanted my truth for themselves in a pristine uncirculated format. Hmmm...

I need to go to a tavern and look for four to six adventurers of mid to high level able to take on these beasts and restore my kingdom, erm... memories.

You have been informed.

Truth for Just a Few XP more...

Ladies and Gentlemen, learning new truth every day is difficult. Very difficult. Some days it's a challenge. Perhaps I'm trying to take on Truths too powerful for me. Which bring me to an important challenge. How do I become more prepared to take on larger truths> I figure currently, I'm a level three truth-seeker. That means I need about 1500 more experience points before I can advance to the next level. I could take on a Battle Guardian and get all of the XP in one go, but I don't think I can take on a beastie with 163 hit points and a 32 armor class. At least, not now. And not by myself. But if I took it on with friends I'd have to kill several of them, and that defeats the point, doesn't it> I could take on fifteen Kobold skirmishers. Not at once, mind you. That'd kill me as quickly as the Battle Guardian. Maybe I'll take on sixty kobold minions, one or two at a time. It still comes out to 1500 XP only with substantially less risk to me. Just expect, if I do this, to get a lot of truths about fighting kobolds for a while. You know, until the level up.

You have been informed.

Angsty Teenage Rebellion

Ladies and Gentlemen, when I first heard about Dungeons and Dragons 4th Ed. (let's call him FouRth EDition, or Fred for short), I thought, "Oh man. I hate that guy. I hate everything about him. He's so lame." All I heard, essentially was that he lost so many things that I loved about his older brother Third EDition (or Ted). Fred wanted nothing to do with rock bands or Bruce Lee. Fred was, well, a little simple minded. Fred, from what I heard, was a less intelligent or sophisitcated kid pretending to be his older brother, hoping all of his older brother's friends would like him, but really, we knew he wasn't the Ted we knew and loved. He was some obnoxious new kid.

It almost seemed that Fred wanted to be thought of that way. He wanted us to hate him. He wouldn't let us listen to music that inspires us to great feats of daring. He wanted to make sure no one he hung out with ever used the line "I know kung fu" by almost denying its existence. He seemed to limit our ability to change our minds about career goals later in life. Oh sure, he says he has no problem with us pursuing other interests as we get older, but we know that deep down, he'd be disappointed if we really tried to change our role in life. He said we'd need to buy random things to hang out with him. Ted never made us buy random things. We thought Fred was just trying to get our money for mommy and daddy.

But today, I got to know Fred. I sat down with him. Some of my friends kept telling me that I'd really like him once I got to know him. I figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but only because a couple of my buddies vouched for him. As it turns out, he's a really approachable guy. He's very friendly. He's efficient, and I'm a sucker for efficiency. He's not an elitist. You don't have to know a million little things to hang out with him without being called an idiot. He'll kindly help you keep track of anything important you may need to remember. As for good music and good shaolin butt kickers, he says he likes them. He just hasn't had time to really dedicate himself to those lately, but is making time in the near future to reacquaint himself with them. He gives his more intelligent and bookish buddies more opportunity to shine, instead of making the jocks the big important guys while the nerds were only useful a couple times a day, who needed to rest before they coud do anything worth while. And as for the buying stuff, I realized that most of the stuff he wishes I had, oh wait, I already own, and most people who hang out with Ted already have that stuff. They just don't have the new shiney models. Fred doesn't care. The bit about changing careers though, it's still kinda true. You can look into other career options, but Fred wants you to know that deep down, you'll always be your first job.

So why would Fred go out of his way for you to not like him when you first hear about him? My guess is because he's the baby from a family of overly permissive parents. His mommy and daddy are such touchy feely suburban yuppies. Everything all of their kids do is great, and they stand behind them 100%. Spellfire? I still don't think they've allowed themselves to call that a bad egg. So what's the baby to do? Even if the youngest kid in the family is a good kid, he's going to do all kinds of ridiculous things to get in trouble, to get called out by everyone on the playground just to get attention. "Look at me, everyone! I'm Fred, and mommy and daddy are giving me all the love and support they used to give Ted. Go ahead and hate me. Or love me. The important thing is I have all of the attention." He's just acting out because he's living in his brother's rather large shadow and so he'll do anything, even take unfair heat for being stupid or greedy or willing to hang out with anybody if it means people will pay attention to him and maybe give him a shot. Like the baby in any family, he just doesn't want to be ignored.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus

Ladies and Gentlemen, I missed Ten Facts Tuesday AGAIN. This is just getting ridiculous. I suspect, however, it has something to do with me getting so very very few shifts at work. It's hard to keep track of what day of the week it is when you have no where to be for eight days straight. Regardless, it's time to make up for lost time, and so today we take a closer look at everyone's favorite Jolly Old Elf, Santa Claus or Father Christmas or whatever you care to call him. Today, however, we'll do 12, one for each of the 12 days of Christmas.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus:

1. Santa Claus does not employ children, those are elves. Elves who would look like adults if it weren't for the fact that every elf Santa employs suffered a mysterious injury to their pituitary gland shortly before receiving job offers from Old Saint Nick.
2. Santa's bottomless sack can hold a bag of holding without exploding or tearing dimensional fabric to bits and pieces.
3. Santa Claus's "flying reindeer" are actually pegasuses (pegasi>) with an illusion spell on them. Because, seriously, who steals reindeer>
4. Santa's elves don't actually make the toys. They order them from Amazon. The elves are more or less just glorified warehouse attendants these days.
5. Santa is able to afford all of these toys because the government uses his list to profile future candidates to become covert assassins. Also, he bought a large amount of Microsoft stock at a dollar.
6. Santa Claus wants to exercise and get in shape, really he does. But his publicist keeps telling him that the public would react negatively to a thin Santa.
7. People wonder how Santa flies around the world in one night. "The flying around the world part is easy," he says. "Leer jets can do that. The tricky part is augmenting smart bomb technology to the presents I throw over the side of the sleigh at 20,000 feet."
8. Santa Claus is actually not anti-Semitic. He just knows where he isn't wanted.
9. Santa Claus has a serious foot fetish. Hence, hanging stockings by the chimney.
10. Santa Claus's favorite color is not red, nor does he much like velvet. It's just all they had when he ordered the suit, and though he's tried to get a nice three piece blue pinstripe number, we all know how his publicist feels about change.
11. Santa's wife, Mrs. Claus, is smokin' hot, and resents being portrayed as grandmotherly in the media.
12. Santa's spying on children was brought to court for invasion of privacy against American citizens, but the charges were dismissed because his surveillance is covered by the Patriot Act. 

And now you know there's more to Santa than an inevitable case of diabetes.

You have been informed.

Misnomers

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's truth comes from approximately thirteen years of research. I have a confession to make, and chances are, it will shock none of you, but...

I'm a nerd.

I spent my youth playing Magic: the Gathering, Vampire: the Masquerade, and other fancy games with colons in the title. Over time and lots of research down in a dark room with pasty friends and lots of dice, I've learned a few things about these games: the names are all deceptive, and as such are false advertising. So today, I'll list my favorite games, describe why they're misnamed, and propose new names more befitting their nature. And along the way, I'll use lots of fancy colons.

Dungeons and Dragons: The quintessential geek game. Players take on the role of fantasy adventurers killing monsters and taking treasure.

• FACT: Most games don't involve dragons. In fact, the bulk of the creatures you fight, that party can kill in one hit.
  
• FACT: Many games don't involve dungeons, but rather tombs, keeps, castles, lairs, labyrinths, and fortresses. Almost all games, however, involve a tavern of some kind.
• FACT: Every game involves getting treasure by taking it from cursed tombs and looting the bodies of dead monsters.
• SOLUTION: Since most games don't involve dungeons or dragons, the name ought to be changed to something more appropriate.
  
• New name? Taverns and Grave-robbers.

Vampire: The Masquerade: Characters are vampires living in our world pretending to be human. They walk among us just below the surface. It's the game that made being goth cool, or if not cool, at least, not as whiney. Plus, we've avoided the D&D trap, in that all games of Vampire involve vampires, and there is a major premise called the Masquerade. How could this possibly be a misnomer?

• FACT: Vampires have nifty powers that let them shapeshift or pick up cars. And they have pointy teeth. All of these things kinda break the Masquerade, which states that vampires should act like normal people.
• FACT: Most vampires in these games blatantly use these powers in ridiculous combat sequences and then slaughter wholesale all mortals unfortunate enough to have seen the events, which in turn, prompts huge police investigations into the activities of the undead. It's not a smart way to hide.
• SOLUTION: The vampire part can stay. It's accurate. However, the Masquerade is often a laughing afterthought in the games I've played. In fact, quite the opposite happens. Too much attention is drawn to the characters.
  
• New name? Vampire: The Big Neon Sign.

Cyberpunk 2020: Corporate greed, data espionage, street gangs. The gritty urban computer driven future. What's not to love?

• FACT: The game does involve punks who are both online and often cybernetic.
  
• FACT: The game is allegedly set in the year 2020, and while I can easily see corporations all but ruling the world by then and an increase in gang activity, I think it's safe to say that I won't be able to buy cybernetic adamantite retractable claws from a street doctor any time soon. Or have infrared sensors augmented to my eyes. Or use a neural relay to log onto a super-sweet virtual reality internet.
• SOLUTION: There are two ways we could go. Set in what 2020 will probably really be like. Today with smaller cellphones and better gas milage. But then the game loses a lot of its flavor. So instead, we need to set it at a time when the future really could have those cool techno-gadgets. Unfortunately, technology never seems to advance as fast as we would like it to.
• New name? Cyberpunk Undetermined Year at least One Hundred Years from Today (or Cyberpunk UYaLOHYfT for short).

Rifts: Post apocalyptic high tech, high magic goodness. This is a powergamer's dream. You will meet dragons in this game, and almost every character can drop a tank with ease and the U.S. is led by a xenophobic facist military government called the Coalition. And the world even got this way after a surge of magic energy tore open rifts to other dimensions. So what's the problem?

• FACT: I've never played in a game where I've actually seen a rift. Sure they still open from time to time in the game world, but mostly that's all past.
• FACT: People want to play the cool characters that can bench press battleships and blow up buildings with their minds, not the wimpy humans who need armor to survive. As such, the almost always end up fighting against the Coalition.
• SOLUTION: We need a name that captures what games ultimately devolve into, and not a reference to a past event.
• New name? Power Gamers Fight Space Nazis.

Magic: The Gathering: Sure, this one is a card game and not a role playing game, but the gamers, they love it. In concept, every player represents a super-powerful mage who is summoning all kinds of monsters and spells to beat up other mages. It's never really explained why these mages fight so much and don't just sit down, talk, and resolve their differences peacefully.

• FACT: Calling the game a gathering seems wrong. Gatherings are for friends and family. They are a coming together, not a tearing apart by violent warfare and devestating spells.
• FACT: Perhaps the gathering refers to the gathering of players, but I've seen many games get heated, even among friends. Or perhaps it's about the gathering of cards. Who can buy the most packs, the best cards, to ensure victory? The player who can afford the most packs and the best cards, that's who.
• SOLUTION: Magic can stay. The game does involve magic. But Gathering? We need to clarify what that means.
• New Name? Magic: The Rich Kid Always Wins.

Kobolds Ate My Baby: This game is exactly what it sounds like, almost. You play a kobold (or to be more accurate, several kobolds) trying to steal babies to eat. It's a fun, tongue-in-cheek, beer-and-pretzels rpg. What's the problem?

• FACT: It isn't "my" baby the kobolds are eating, since I'm playing a kobold myself and we aren't after kobold babies. We want plump, tender, juicy human babies. Plus, the players go through kobolds rather quickly. They aren't the hardiest of monsters.
  
• FACT: Mostly the kobolds don't actually get to eat the baby. Just their leader, King Torg. All hail King Torg!
• SOLUTION: In theory the old name was fine. It just needs a couple of tweaks to get the name accurate.
• New name? Many Kobolds Died to Serve Your Baby to King Torg (All hail King Torg!)
  

Before closing, I would to mention that there are many games with accurate names. GURPS really is a Generic Universal Role Playing System. Toon really is about cartoon characters. Paranoia really will make you think your friends are out to kill you (and they will). I applaud the honesty of these game titles. It's just the above Big Offenders that I feel ought to present themselves more accurately.

You have been informed.

An Explanation of the Ads and Some Random Facts

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me first apologize for the ads. I know they aren't pretty, crowded there at the bottom of these posts. They are there for two reasons.

1) With the amount of time I spend on the computer, I felt obligated to carry on the illusion that there's at least some possibility of getting paid for it.

2) The ads are allegedly content based, meaning if i talk about whales a lot, it will, I don't know, try to sell you a pet humpback or something. I'm curious as to what it will advertise based on what I write. Currently, it's just Obama stuff, but that's probably because that's almost all I've written about recently.

That being said, here are a few things I've learned lately.

• Those of any moral alignment other than evil should never investigate an assassinated emperor with associates who are lawful neutral and chaotic neutral. They will not investigate the crime, but rather will remoreselessly do everything in their power to thwart the rest of the group's investigation, which in turn, draws too much attention to the investigation and gets everyone kidnapped, killed, or both.
• The most magical animals in the world are penguins. Seriously. You can learn more arcane secrets from penguins than from any other magical animal, including how to tie your shoes with no hands. Who would have thought penguins would have a spell for putting on an article of clothing they never wear?
• If you become unstuck in time, your best bet is to try to end up in an alien zoo with a porn star. You have to mate to get your food in a protected environment. Bam! First three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs taken care of in one swoop.
• Hugh Grant's crotch kills innocent people. (Bet you'll think twice before you do Notting Hill 2, won't you Julia Roberts?)
• The universe assumes that if you come here for your daily truth, you probably want to buy a President-Elect You-Know-Who collectible plate.

You have been informed.

Retroactive Success

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was making a character for Dungeons and Dragons (3.5) last night and I learned that increasing your Con bonus retroactively increases your hit points. In theory, this should work with skill points as well, since if you're going to allow say, a level 15 person to bump their hit points by 15 (one additional HP per level) as well as their level up hit die, then it should apply for skills as well, since the two function pretty much the same in terms of offering an additional bonus at the time of level up. Perhaps this too would apply for spells. One could retroactively have learned substantially more spells in the past, having just become a little smarter in the present. In theory, this could retroactively turn a past failure into a past success because you would have retroactively had those hit points which would have kept you from dying, right?

The reason why I say this is because we all know that Dungeons and Dragons is the epitome of a realistic system whose complexity clearly aligns perfectly with the complexity of the laws of time and space and physics here in our world. Therefore, I've decided to put myself on a regimented system of physical and mental workout. If I can bulk up a little, I will be able to win that fight that I lost in seventh grade. Likewise, if I can make myself just a little bit smarter, history will reshape itself and give me the teaching job I applied for last year because I will have retroactively become the most qualified candidate. I can make my life better without time travel! (though I'm still going to build that time machine to figure out what terrible thing is coming)

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's all begin a mass program of self improvement. If we can get our grandparents to join in, who knows? Maybe we can prevent World War II. Think of all of the jobs we will have always had if we just work that much harder now, after the fact!

Self-Improvement: Changing your present to better your past.

You have been informed.

2) Wil and the Lucky 20 Sider

Ladies and Gentlemen, as previously mentioned, I would be telling the true story behind each item on the 10 Unknown Facts about Wil Wheaton that I shared two days ago. I don't have to go to work today, so on we move to item #2.

2) Wil Wheaton won Gary Gygax's lucky 20 sider when the D&D (co)creator bet him he couldn't fit an entire 3rd edition Monster's Manual (vol.1) in his mouth. Wil fit the first four volumes.

This was, oh, about a year ago if memory serves me correctly. Wil was at a gaming con. Don't bother asking which. It's a secret invitation-only convention for geeky and gamer celebrities. (I wasn't there. I guess my invite got lost in the mail). Stephen Colbert had just finished running Tomb of Horrors in 5th Edition D&D* Wil's first cleric died, but since most deaths were instant, he figured the party didn't really need a straight healer, so he played a palladin instead. Vin Diesel lost two perfectly good fighters thanks to a couple of botched Search for Trap rolls by Paris Hilton (though she'll never admit she was there), but ultimately was the one to drop the lich. I digress.

Afterward, Wil and Gary were at the hotel bar--never mind which hotel, it's underground and they don't tell the location of the secret entrance to just anyone (they must have forgotten to tell me how to find the place)--kicking back a post slaughter Guinness. Gary was quite impressed at Wil's Rules Lawyering during the game and so he asked him how he managed to fit all of that information in his head. Or at least, he meant to say head. You see, Gary died in the room with all of the columns and figured he wouldn't have time to make a new character before the game ended (only Colbert bothered to bring a 5th ed Player's Guide), and as such, he'd gotten quite the headstart on Wil when it came to the drinking. So while he meant to say, "Say Wil, how do you fit all of that information in your head?" he actually said, "Wil, howdya fit alla that information in your mouth?"

Wil, being one to roll with the punches, quipped back. "My mouth? Well, Gary. I'm part python, so I can dislocate my jaw to swallow live small animals whole."

By this point, a seriously schnockered Gary was easily sidetracked, and thus completely forgot the original question. "Really?"

Wil nodded smarmily, like a kid trying to convince someone that the Nolan Ryan rookie card wasn't worth anything because it was old, and that he'd generously give them a dollar for it.

Gary looked around the room for something big. Seeing a stack of old D&D books, he grabbed a Monster's Manual. "Swallow this!"

"Nah. Gotta save room for the beer," Wil replied.

"C'mon. I'll give ya my lucky twenny sider if ya do it."

Wil couldn't have Gary call his bluff like that. He'd lose too much face in front of someone he so greatly respected. Plus, the Guinness was doing a lot of the thinking, and that was a damn sweet polyhedron. "I'll do you three better," said Wil, grabbing the next few volumes from the stack.

"What the hell are you doing" Wil asked himself silently.

"Shut up! I want that die!" said Prove To Everyone That Getting Drunk With Gary Gygax Wasn't A Mistake.

Wil looked around with worry, but the sight of goggles on the other side of the room calmed his shaken nerves. "I'll be right back."

He leapt from his bar stool and ran to the booth in the corner. Doctor Horrible was nursing a strawberry daqueri and lamenting his loss to Klaus Tuebler in yet another round of Werewolf. "Dammit. Just because I'm an evil genius doesn't automatically make me the werewolf," he muttered into his fruity drink, angrilly stabbing the cherry with his tiny umbrella.

"Doc, I need a favor."

"I'm a villain. I don't give favors. I take them and then never repay them."

"I need to borrow your shrink ray."

Doctor Horrible's terrifying eyes stared incredulously from behind his glass of pink creamy goodness.

"I'll help you get that laundry girl you're always talking about."

In a blink, Wil found himself holding the shrink ray as an eager mastermind begged, "When? When?"

"Uhhh... later?"

The doctor continued to beg for specifics, but Wil was already back at the bar with a now much smaller stack of Monster Manuals. Gary gawked in disbelief as, one by one, Wil placed them into his mouth."Howdja do that?" asked the befuddled game designer.

"Magic," said Wil.

Gary shrugged, reached into his pocket, and gave Wil the die.

At least, that's the way I heard it. I wasn't there. Never got an invite. Just as well. I was probably busy with other stuff that week anyway.


*They've already made eight editions, and they've been releasing them slowly over the years to maximize profits. Granted, only seven editions were written at the time of the event. Even so, Colbert has always been an old school gamer, and thus stuck with 5th ed because though the multiclassing is a little wonky, the damage system is just so much more elegant than the newer editions. Expect 5th ed. in 2012.

You have been informed.