Dastardly Accountability

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's been a big push in recent years for accountability and transparency. People want some accountability in our government after the past administration or two, some system in which leaders take responsibility for their actions, and the people want to be informed (transparency). We're tired of being left in the dark. Even in classrooms, there is a push for accountability and transparency. With the No Child Left Behind Act, teachers are being held accountable for the results of student achievement on statistically unrealistic levels. Likewise, parents want to know exactly what is happening in the classroom so they know how to word the lawsuit when Little Sally fails a spelling test. We expect accountability and transparency in those who govern us, but you know who has always given us both, through thick and thin, for time immemorial?

Villains.

How many James Bond movies find the bad guy telling her Majesty's favorite spy every single element of his plan. "First I'm going to shoot the moon with this laser I made from parts I purchased at Home Depot. You can find my schematics at www.ImEvilGetUsedToIt.com. Then when the moon is destroyed, tides will run wild, which in turn will bring me vast fortunes as I have invested in both elevated housing technology and the boat building industry. Then I'm going to get a submarine to go underwater to retrieve all of the gold from Fort Knox while my laser sharks hunt you down, Mr. Bond, and then... you will die!"

We simply don't see that kind of honesty or openness in our leaders today. It's always "We have a plan. Things are in motion. I will not know about all of these things so I can deny knowing about them later. Any questions? Sorry, I have a thing. I don't have time to answer that one."

Likewise, Villains are the first to claim credit for their actions. When they have a plot, they take over the airwaves and make sure every person in the world knows. They hack your iPod so you get their diabolical proclamation mid "Tara's Party Mix Playlist." They put it in papers. They use psychic suggestion to put that thought, that credit into your mind. And when they fail, they admit it, but like responsible individuals promise never to give up and vow to try again.

Perhaps in the future, we should consider electing Doctor No to office. I mean, come on. He's a villain, so he's going to be upfront with you. He'll tell you what he's up to every step of the way so you can stop him if you deem it important, and he'll take full responsibility for his actions. Plus, he's a doctor, so clearly he's concerned with health care and education.

You have been informed.

I'm so confused

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been doing some thinking. Lately, I've had the very best intentions of sitting down to research and uncover some long lost truths, but I find myself perpetually distracted by movies and games and tv and quality time with the fiancee. All of this is fun, but it keeps me from investigating the truth. I now find myself at a moral and logical dilemma that I must resolve.

Learning and seeking the truth is Good. Therefore, that which keeps me from seeking the truth is Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships keep me from seeking the truth. Therefore, games, movies, TV, and relationships are Evil. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are also Fun. Because these things are Fun and also Evil, we must conclude that Fun is Evil. Fun leads to Happiness, which makes Happiness also Evil. The United States Constitution guarantees all the right to the pursuit of happiness. Therefore, the United States Constitution guarantees all the right to pursue Evil. If, as they say, the most feared Evil is the Indifference of the Good, that is the Good that allows Evil to flourish, then the United States Constitution must be Evil. If the Constitution is Evil, than anything that bases its governmental philosophy upon it must likewise be Evil. Those who act to destroy Evil are Good. Terrorists seek to destroy the United States, which is Evil. Terrorists must therefore be Good.

Except that Terrorists deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence, all of which are Evil. Those who deliberately spread fear, hate, and violence must therefore also be Evil. Evil cannot abide Good, and seeks to destroy it. Therefore, that which Evil opposes must be Good. Terrorists oppose the United States Government, so the United States Government must be Good. The Good cannot draw their morality on Evil philosophies. Therefore that on which the United States Government bases its moral precepts, the United States Constitution, must be Good. That which is good cannot condone Evil. Therefore, the pursuit of Happiness must be Good. If pursuing Happiness is Good then Happiness itself must be Good. Fun is a means to pursue Happiness. Therefore, Fun is Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships are Fun and so must therefore be Good. Games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth. Again, the Good must attempt to thwart that which is Evil. Therefore, because games, movies, TV, and relationships prevent me from pursuing the Truth, and games, movies, TV, and relationships are Good, then pursuing the Truth must be Evil. If Happiness is good because pursuing Happiness is Good, then we are finally forced to conclude that the Truth must be evil because pursuing it is evil, which ultimately means lying is Good. If lying is Good then I've been doing this blog all wrong. Rather than seeking out the truth, I should have been making stuff up, exaggerating, and jumping to absurd, sensational conclusions based on the tiniest shred of fact if anything at all.

I find myself at an impasse. Because logic cannot make up its mind on whether things are Good or Evil, I am forced to sit back for a moment and contemplate the moral imperative behind this blog.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Zeppo Marx

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the kingdom of Classic Film, the Marx Brothers easily reign supreme as the court jesters (that's right, Three Stooges, I said it). Of the five (Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Gummo, and Zeppo), three were big names. The other two, Gummo and Zeppo, for the most part chased their own path through this great big world of ours. It just so happens that today is the birthday of Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. I bet you didn't know that. Heck, you probably didn't even know who Zeppo Marx was. Not many people do. But he was an amazing person. He was allegedly the funniest of the brothers in real life, even though he often played the straight man in the films. He was also a successful inventor. You probably didn't know that either. Heck, most everything I include here probably counts as an unknown fact, but as a kindness, I'll share some truly unknown facts about this much maligned Marx.

10 Unknown Facts about Herbert "Zeppo" Marx:

1. Zeppo Marx could play any musical instrument in the world, whereas his brothers were only known for playing one or two.
2. Zeppo Marx invented an automatic cereal pourer, but disassembled it when, out of concern for his health, it would only pour skim milk on his corn flakes.
3. Zeppo Marx could inflate himself like a zepplin and fly around. This is not the basis for his name and is merely a coincidence.
4. Zeppo Marx is not biologically related to Karl Marx, the communist, but is related to the Zippo.
5. Zeppo Marx could reproduce sexually or asexually.
   
6. Zeppo Marx's bones were hollow, which made it easier for him to fly in his zepplin form.
7. When Zeppo Marx and his four brothers' powers combined, they created the most powerful (and quick witted) robot ever: MechaMarx! (not to be confused with their nemesis MegaMart).
8. Zeppo Marx could debone an entire fish in fifteen seconds flat without any special tools.
9. Zeppo Marx could be abandoned in any location on the planet with nothing but a swiss army knife and in five days, not only will he have survived, there's an 83% chance he will have built an independent coffee house (he could build a Starbucks, but isn't into franchises).
10. Zeppo Marx can gain nurishment from carpet, drapes, and most linens.

There you have it. Herbert "Zeppo" Marx. He may be one of the most overlooked Marx Brothers, but he's still amazing, even if he didn't get the best jokes on screen.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I completely missed Ten Facts Tuesday. You would think a regularly scheduled thing with an alliterative title would be easy to remember, but no. It seems to slip my mind all the time. I always remember that it's Sunday (when the new schedule at work is posted), Monday (because I usually have to work the first day of the new schedule), Wednesday (because it's Lost Night), Thursday (because it's the day after Lost and the day before gaming), Friday (because it's Game Night), and Saturday because that's when my teacher friend can hang out. Yet, for some strange reason, I never remember that it's Tuesday, and it has more of a reason for me to remember it that Thursday. How strange.

Your Ten Facts this week are about Mr. Fred Rogers. You may remember him as the guy from your childhood who always wore a cardigan and sneakers and his neighborhood was populated by puppets. Mental Floss recently did a list of 15 facts about what made him so great. This really sparked my desire to learn more about everyone's favorite neighbor. This is what I learned.

10 Unknown Facts about Mr. Rogers

1. Mr. Rogers's friendship with a certain member of the X-Men named Storm allowed him to ensure that every day was a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
2. When not producing high quality children's programing, Mr. Rogers would travel the country in his Impala killing ghosts and monsters. The show Supernatural is based on his exploits.
3. Mr. Rogers was granted special permission by Congress to establish a sovereign nation of make-believe within the borders of the United States, though convincing the Senate to allow that nation to be a monarchy took substantially more effort.
4. Mr. Rogers had a magical set of keys that could open any door, thus granting him access to all of those dangerous factories and animal cages he seemed to love to visit so often on his show.
5. Mr. Rogers could shrink down to a height of four inches, which allowed him to ride Trolley into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
6. Mr. Rogers's encouragement to love ourselves and each other prevented a militant alien invasion. The aliens were close to Jupiter and were moving in fast when the intercepted an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. They decided that war wasn't the way to go and instead returned home after redirecting an asteroid that would have killed us all years ago.
7. Mr. Rogers never had to deal with unpleasant glares on his TV, windshield or anything else thanks to his polarized corneas.
8. Mr. Rogers could communicate with his fish.
   
9. Mr. Rogers literally did not know the meaning of the word "hate," which helped him stay kind but sometimes made it difficult to explain things to him.
10. Mr. Rogers wrote a lot of songs, this is widely known. What isn't widely known is that if all of Mr. Robers's previously unreleased material were put out on CD, he would have over one hundred times more posthumous albums than 2Pac (currently five, with a possible sixth).

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for Mr. Rogers fans. Fifteen unknown facts from Mental Floss and ten more here. That's 25 unknown facts about Mr. Rogers for you readers today! I hope you enjoyed them as much as we enjoyed growing up with him.

You have been informed.

They're coming.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the zombies are coming. Or at least, they were in Texas over the weekend. Two electronic road signs were modified to display the messages, "Caution! Zombies Ahead! Run for Cold Climates! The End is Near!" and "Nazi Zombies Ahead! Run!" 

Austin police call it a prank, but I am not amused. We all know that the zombie plague is coming. Clearly, there was an outbreak. There were zombies, Nazi zombies at that, and some upright citizen decided to warn the population. But no, the government with its coverups decided that just because the immediate zombie threat was neutralized by their clandestine zombie-killing squads, people should be kept in the dark. Rather than tell us the truth of the looming apocalypse so that we may better prepare ourselves, they've called it a prank so that we'll be docile and won't rush out to get guns and supplies and more importantly, question how they allowed an outbreak in the first place. Unfortunately, if they keep leading us into a false sense of security, we'll all be grossly unable to deal with the impending zombie menace. Most of us will die, and the rest of us will have to struggle for survival with no food but what we grow in those dangerous zombie-infested open fields. 

I think we should all take a moment to thank those citizens of Austin whose dedication to truth, especially warning us about the truth of the coming zombie apocalypse, reminds us to stay on our toes. The end is near.

You have been informed.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus

Ladies and Gentlemen, I missed Ten Facts Tuesday AGAIN. This is just getting ridiculous. I suspect, however, it has something to do with me getting so very very few shifts at work. It's hard to keep track of what day of the week it is when you have no where to be for eight days straight. Regardless, it's time to make up for lost time, and so today we take a closer look at everyone's favorite Jolly Old Elf, Santa Claus or Father Christmas or whatever you care to call him. Today, however, we'll do 12, one for each of the 12 days of Christmas.

10 Unknown Facts About Santa Claus:

1. Santa Claus does not employ children, those are elves. Elves who would look like adults if it weren't for the fact that every elf Santa employs suffered a mysterious injury to their pituitary gland shortly before receiving job offers from Old Saint Nick.
2. Santa's bottomless sack can hold a bag of holding without exploding or tearing dimensional fabric to bits and pieces.
3. Santa Claus's "flying reindeer" are actually pegasuses (pegasi>) with an illusion spell on them. Because, seriously, who steals reindeer>
4. Santa's elves don't actually make the toys. They order them from Amazon. The elves are more or less just glorified warehouse attendants these days.
5. Santa is able to afford all of these toys because the government uses his list to profile future candidates to become covert assassins. Also, he bought a large amount of Microsoft stock at a dollar.
6. Santa Claus wants to exercise and get in shape, really he does. But his publicist keeps telling him that the public would react negatively to a thin Santa.
7. People wonder how Santa flies around the world in one night. "The flying around the world part is easy," he says. "Leer jets can do that. The tricky part is augmenting smart bomb technology to the presents I throw over the side of the sleigh at 20,000 feet."
8. Santa Claus is actually not anti-Semitic. He just knows where he isn't wanted.
9. Santa Claus has a serious foot fetish. Hence, hanging stockings by the chimney.
10. Santa Claus's favorite color is not red, nor does he much like velvet. It's just all they had when he ordered the suit, and though he's tried to get a nice three piece blue pinstripe number, we all know how his publicist feels about change.
11. Santa's wife, Mrs. Claus, is smokin' hot, and resents being portrayed as grandmotherly in the media.
12. Santa's spying on children was brought to court for invasion of privacy against American citizens, but the charges were dismissed because his surveillance is covered by the Patriot Act. 

And now you know there's more to Santa than an inevitable case of diabetes.

You have been informed.

A Wake Up Call to Our Education System

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may or may not know this, but I am a licensed high school teacher in these United States, so matters of education hit close to my heart. That is why I found this especially disturbing. I admit, the American Education System™©® may not be the best in the world. However, we are trying to turn things around. You may have heard of a little piece of legislation called No Child Left Behind? Well, it's failing us, but worse than that, it's failing the kids, and worse than that, it's failing the kittens even worse. We may have a problem with juvenile delinquincy, but cats are hit especially hard. When I went to college, the campus was littered with litters of cats, lying about, never going to class. Never studying. They were like townies or hippies waiting for a jam band to come to town. But problems like these do not start in college. No, it starts when they're young. The problem is we aren't educating these lolcats.



What is a lolcat, you may ask? (look! New keyboard! I can ask questions again!) Lolcats, as you can see from the site and sample pictures above, lolcats are poorly educated, often lazy, violent, or greedy. They act upon their most id driven instincts and rely on looks and charm rather than hard work and a solid education to get ahead in life. They are the slackers of the animal kingdom.

What I want to know is, how have we failed them so much that they are only barely literate? Their spelling is atrocious and their grammar is worse. Who will inspire them to excellence and pull them from their wayward ways? Where are the Jaime Escalantes, the Erin Gruwells, and the John Keatings for the kitten community? Where are the teachers willing to use unorthodox teaching methods and put it all on the line to ensure their feline students grow up to be intelligent, educated, productive free thinkers willing to take a stand against the cycle of violence and oppression they find their families caught within? These are not stupid kittens. They have brilliant minds that just need to be honed. After all, a look through these photographs will reveal that they've mastered invisibility technology. They can make indetectable to the human eye and visible spectrum cameras items such as beers, video game systems, transportation devices, and even other cats! Think of the great strides we could make technologically if they could be properly educated!

Please, write letters to your congressmen urging them to pass Kitten Education legislation. For the kittens. Without proper education and guidance, it's only a matter of time before an army of incomprehensible invisible kitty bots come to wipe us out. But if we educate them now, if we show them that they can make a place for themselves through hard work and literacy, then perhaps the life you save won't just be the cat's. It may be your own.

You have been informed.

No Questions Asked

Ladies and Gentlemen, the question mark key on this keyboard is broken. On the surface, it's just a mild inconvenience, sure. I have to do this > instead of... well, I guess I can't really type what it's replacing, but it's a question mark. What does this mean> It means someone feels I've been too inquisitive. Too many questions leads to uncomfortable answers. Remember the vampires seeking the bailout to buy up houses so they could get in without having to be invited> Well, since I reported on that, banks that received bailout money have been buying up other businesses instead of mortgages at-risk of foreclosure. Suddenly, that vampire free-ride buffet is gone. The vampires, clearly, were not pleased at all with my expose' (it won't even let me put an accent over the e! but I mean ex-pose-AY and not ex-POSE), and have sabotaged this keyboard to prevent me from asking too many questions. Sure, I may have a right to freedom of speech which no citizen of this country should be able to strip me of. However, these vampires with their "centuries older than thou" attitude unfortunately means they can grandfather clause out of it. Having lived here prior to the formation of the United States means they are allowed to live here without claiming citizenship, and as such don't have to abide by my rights. Grrr... Likewise, the Freedom of Information Act keeps me from obtaining any government assistance in tracking down info about these ages old creatures of the night. As official non-citizens they are immune to laws that require Americans to reveal subpoenaed information, which means I can't even use the courts to require them to tell me why they broke my keyboard or what they want me to not ask about (that's what I really wish they'd tell me. You know, so I can ask about it.) Once more, the evil Red Tape of Bureaucracy thwarts my best intentions of informing the public about what's really going on. The only real question left is... Who invited the vampires into the house to break my keyboard in the first place> (insert dramatic music here)

Hide your keyboards, seekers of the truth. The vampires are coming.

You have been informed.

Your 2008 Presidential Ticket

Ladies and Gentlemen, as we draw ever closer to the looming election, we must all give careful consideration to who we will vote for. I once heard a statistic that every election year, Mickey Mouse gets, on average, 200,000 votes. The more I think over this fact, the more I am saddened that more people don't vote for him. Let's look at where he stands politically.

• As a mouse, he's a little guy and an everyman. He truly represents the common people.
• He's friends with individuals of all species. Dogs, ducks, ghosts. It's all the same to him. He's not prejudiced.
• He isn't a man of great means. He lives a moderately comfortable life free of the suspicions against those wealthy elite with political aspirations. In other words, he's probably not a corporate lap dog.
• He has a strong sense of right and wrong.
• He's compassionate, especially to those in need.

There's a good chance our friend Mickey is a real Democrat and not a politician in the Democratic party. But who should be his running mate? How about long time friend and die-hard Republican Donald Duck? Don't believe he's a Republican? Allow me to prove it to you:

• He's a military veteran. The guy was in the navy for decades.
• He'll do anything for a buck.
  
• He was active in the war effort during World War II, and even managed to put aside his American greed for good old American patriotism.
• He practices strong family values by raising his three nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie. He even taught them smoking is bad for kids.

What an amazing ticket this would be. The two rival parties united under one presidency. Both are clearly old enough to run for president. Both were born in the U.S.A. True, both are financially backed by one of the nation's more money-hungry family companies, but you can't have it all, I suppose. I don't know about you, friends, but I know how I'm voting in November.

Mouse-Duck 2008!

You have been informed.

Lock Your Doors

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Truth has been at work a lot this week and has thus been tired all since Saturday. Which is why today there will only be a little quick update for you.

The Bailout passed the Senate and is moving back to the House. Remember, if a government agent shows up at your door at night, hit him with a crucifix. There's a good chance he's a vampire. On the off chance the cross does not burn him, then for heavens sake do whatever he says. You don't want to imagine the trouble you get into for assaulting a government representative with religious iconography.

You have been informed.

Why Sarah Palin's Cheese Steak affects YOUR life

Ladies and Gentlemen, I saw a video on CNN that seemingly had zero news content other than the fact that Sarah Palin knows how to say "How are you?" and that she allegedly likes cheesesteak. Clearly, there must be some subtext to this video because I saw absolutely nothing newsworthy on first viewing. So we should break this video down to its bits.

• She says "How are you?" five times and only waits for an answer two times.
• When asked if she ordered the cheesesteak, she says "I wouldn't miss it."
• She is given two t-shirts by the owner of the diner, says thank you, and then gives them away as soon as he walks off.
  
• She gets her picture taken.

So where's the secret meaning? The phrase "how are you" is three words of three letters each. In the first bit, she asks it three times without ever changing the way she says it, as though it were a secret password. If the devil is 666, then this may be suggesting she is, in fact, a half devil.

However, she waits for an answer twice. We can't hear the first guy's reply, but the second guy asks her about the cheese steak. Clearly that is the followup passcode, because she then confirms whatever heinous activity they are up to. "I wouldn't miss it." She says. Now Phillidelphia is famous for being the birthplace of our nation and for it's cheesesteaks. Therefore, "cheese steak" is almost certainly code for "U.S. Government" or perhaps simply "the U.S.A." She says she wouldn't miss it. She has plans for if she takes office, and since she said she wouldn't miss it, and vice-president is hardly an in charge of the government position, I think it's safe to say, she anticipates McCain not being president for long. If only we could hear the answer to the fourth time she asked, we could know how she planned to take out McCain.

For more insight into her sinister plan, we must examine the t-shirt exchange. The owner of the shirts, in this case representing the trust and good will of the American people, gives her two shirts, obviously representing the two roles she plans to play, vice-president and actual president. She comments on how hard he works and how many hours he puts in. She's aware of how very hard Americans work just to keep their bills paid and how much trust and faith their giving her (two shirts). However, when his back is turned, she gives the shirts away, and how? She turns to the two closest people, considers giving one to each and then at the last second pulls the first shirt away from one of the women, the bigger one, and gives it to the one who is dressed nicer. In other words, as soon as our back is turned, she'll sell out our trust in a heartbeat, but like any mercenary, only to those who will pay.

The two photo shots represent two-dimensional she is and how two-faced we can expect her to be.

To recap: She's half devil, she plans on taking over the presidency, almost certainly through some immoral means, and she plans on screwing over the working poor to please the wealthy. In other words, she'll be just another typical politician.

And to think I thought you might just be a super hero, Sarah Palin. I do believe you may have been a villain instead. Lucky for us, McCain is still a loose-canon cop who plays by his own rules. You'll have a hard time taking him out.

You have been informed

Will the U.S. Government Save Us from Vampires?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we are all fully aware of the horrible economic crisis that's lurking in the shadows and under our beds and in our closets and really just about every where you look these days. I personally am working two jobs and can't even afford an apartment (stupid student loans, but that's a topic for another day). Couple this with the huge mortgage bubble bursting and we're looking at some serious economic hard times. But these hard times have more lasting ramifications that most people anticipate. Let's follow this crisis logically to its conclusion, shall we?

1. The economy is shaky.
2. People stop buying things in worry.
3. Business drops off and people aren't working as much anymore.
4. People make less money and thus have less money to put back into the economy.
   
5. The economy becomes shakier.
6. The price of goods, including groceries, increase.
   
7. People have a hard time paying their mortgages. (~10% of mortgages are delinquent or foreclosed)
   
8. Mortgage companies fail.
9. The economy begins its crumble.
10. People lose jobs.
    
11. People lose their homes as they default on mortgages.
12. Increased homeless population and unemployment rates rise.

That's the direction we're headed. But who's responsible? Some say the federal government for deregulating Wall Street and other businesses, thus allowing the bubble to form in the first place. Others blame the abundance of unsecured credit and the ease of declaring bankruptcy (which has been made more difficult in recent years). Still others blame the ever growing cost of the war in Iraq. I think the truth is far more evil. Who benefits from an increased homeless population? Vampires.

• FACT: Vampires can't enter a person's home without permission. No home, no problem.
• FACT: Vampires are repulsed by garlic. With rising food prices, who can afford garlic?
• FACT: People are selling off their precious metals to pay their bills meaning less silver to fight off, well, werewolves, so maybe that doesn't have to do with vampires, but it does not mean they aren't in league here.
• FACT: Vampires can't cross running water. It's hard to make a makeshift river if you can't pay your water bill (or don't have a hose).
• FACT: Vampires tend to look gaunt and sickly. What better disguise that one of the teeming masses of homeless?

Never fear, however. The federal government is working on a solution. The proposed $700 billion dollar bailout could save the housing marking, preventing the surplus homeless population. But will it be enough?

And now that I think of it, could this have been the vampiric plan all along? After all, buying up the foreclosed homes doesn't mean the government won't kick the financially strapped families out anyway. And if the vampires have gained control of the government, does that not mean that the undead themselves own the houses, thus allowing them to enter at least 10% of all homes in the US without requiring permission, thus giving them access to the same people who would have been homeless, only now the blood is healthier and the feeding more discrete? Well played indeed, vampires. Well played indeed.

America, we must fight this. We must band together and do everything in our power to keep our bills paid. Otherwise the vampires win.

You have been informed.

While we're on the subject of Presidents

About twenty years ago, a young Harvard Law student known as Barack Obama was out drinking with friends after a particularly difficult exam. Having imbibed a little too much, but still being a respectable, upright citizen, he decided to call a cab. Barack searched his pockets, the ash tray, everywhere he could think of, but alas, could find no quarter with which to use the payphone. (yes, a payphone. This was back in the day before the technology from the original Star Trek was released for civilian use as the cellular phone). Needing to get home but unable to drive, Barack began feverishly moving from person to person, pleading his need for change.

"Buddy, we all need change," said one jaded bar patron.

A light suddenly clicked on in his head. It isn't enough for him to find change. "We all need change." He needed to bring change to every drunk man, woman, and child without a quarter to call a cab. His grand manner of speech, however, ensured that his never-ending quest for quarters for the world would forever be misinterpretted. His misunderstood message has been snowballing ever since.

Where is this young man now, twenty years later? He's been nominated to the presidency of the United States. His message? Change for everyone.

You have been informed.

VP Super Powers and a Potential Presidential Action Movie?

Most people are in a bit of tizzy over these new possible VPs, but few have any idea exactly what a Vice President does anyway aside from take over if the real President gets killed or canned. I'm sure we all know that Sarah Palin has no idea that the VP presides over the senate, but we shouldn't fault her for that. She's been busy. In Alaska. "Yeah... killing wildlife and driving kids to soccar practice," I can hear some of you saying. Nay nay nay. I mean, yes, she's been doing that too, but nay nay nay. She's been doing much more. Do you think it's a coincidence that she was mayor of an Alaskan town with such a big drug problem?

Sarah Palin is a super hero.

Seriously

A bit skeptical, are we? Let's look at the facts, shall we?

1. FACT: She lives in a town with a big drug problem. Aren't super heroes attracted to crime like moths to a flame or, well, like spandex to a super hero?
2. FACT: She's just one woman and she can do so many things at once: run a state, hunt "from a helicopter" (Of course that's how you fly, Mrs. Palin), raise kids, drill for oil in forests. That's not multi-tasking. That's superspeed.
   
3. FACT: She can see Russian from where she lives. She has supervision, and I don't mean someone is looking over her. She can see miles and miles either around the curve of the earth, or if she is using her X-ray vision, through the earth.
4. FACT: Being so close to Russia, despite never personally interacting with them, is valid foreign experience. Read between the lines here. She's never met them personally, yet her proximity is enough for her to understand them. She's a psychic and a telepath. She doesn't need to travel abroad to talk to the Russians. No wonder she never applied for a passport until last year. She just sits down on her comfy couch, pops open some Pringles, turns on American Idol, and it's diplomatic negotiation time. That's right, Petrov. Don't you even think about siding with Simon Cowell on this one.
   
5. FACT: She's pretty handy with a rifle. Prior to gaining her super powers, she fought crime the way The Punisher did: with the barrel of a gun. Selling meth to preschoolers? POW! Not in my town!
6. FACT: She's pretty, especially for a forty-four year old mother of five. Everyone knows that all female super heroes are agelessly attractive. How long has storm looked twenty-five? Since the sixties? Still a hottie.
7. FACT: She can always tell right from wrong. Like going to war with Russia. The Cold War may officially be over, but it's always cold in Alaska. And Russia.
   

So sure, Sarah Palin may not have the official, on paper experience to run a country, but if she'd just abandon the transparent pretense of not having a secret identity, her years of crime fighting would totally make up for her less than two years political experience presiding over .002% of the country's population. Fortunately for her, McCain knows her secret identity and has called on her to be the nation's official super hero, erm... vice president.

But how did McCain know Palin's secret?

This brings us to an important issue from John McCain's past. He's a crimefighter, too, though not a costumed one. You know the movie Die Hard? Yeah, it's a thinly veiled homage to John McCain's past. As if he could hide what he'd done by adding an L to the last name. John McClane? Seriously? It's time to own up to your crime-fighting past. Your victory over the Germans in that high rise proves your conviction to fighting terrorism at home and abroad. Admit that it was you! You beat long standing incumbent Barry Goldwater for your congressional seat. Admit that this daring exploit is how you won the favor of your constituency! I saw Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I noticed that plane crashing, an homage to the five you crashed during your distinguished military career. And in Live Free or Die Hard, you had Justin Long do all the computer stuff for you because you can't check your e-mail! I even found this old picture of you from your wild and reckless middle age...


There you have it. Today's truth in the big old lost and found box? Sarah Palin is a super hero and John McCain kills terrorists with his bare hands every year at Christmas. You have been informed.