Tuesday, January 27, 2009

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert

Ladies and Gentlemen, Stephen Colbert is not only the voice of our nation, or at least, the much more witty voice of our angry upper middle class republicans, he's also an avid supporter of Dungeons and Dragons and other awesome hobbies. Here's a few things you may not know about him. 

10 Unknown Facts About Stephen Colbert:
  1. Stephen Colbert's distrust of bears comes from a childhood slight by Yogi Bear, who gave young Stephen abandonment issues after his cartoon was cancelled. Stephen has never forgiven the ursine species.
  2. Stephen Colbert is the only American to have fought in every war the U.S. has been involved in. He admits, reluctantly, that for most of these wars, his role was one of "historic reenactor."
  3. Stephen Colbert invented Truth, thus allowing improv pioneer Del Close to write his book Truth in Comedy.
  4. Stephen Colbert's Colbert Nation is a real nation landlocked in South Carolina. He was elected president for life with an astounding 97% landslide.
  5. Stephen Colbert actually has amazing super telescopic vision. He wears glasses to counteract this so he doesn't constantly get an eyeful of everyone's pores. 
  6. Stephen Colbert is America. Literally. Like many myths of old, the nation is made from the remains of his body. What we see on television is simply an avatar of his awesomeness. And despite what his book says, so can you not be. Not everyone's body can be a continent.
  7. Stephen Colbert taught Optimus Prime how to transform into an eighteen wheeler. Yes, that means Stephen Colbert can transform into an eighteen wheeler.
  8. Stephen Colbert defeated the Tomb of Horrors single-handedly. He told his story to a publisher he met in the bar, asking that it be published as a memoir. Gary Gygax instead published it as an adventure module for 4-6 9th level adventurers.
  9. Stephen Colbert makes his hamburgers entirely from scratch, including raising the cow (for both cheese and beef) and growing the wheat. 
  10. Stephen Colbert actually lives on Cloud Nine. The hardest part was developing perpetual anti-gravity boosters for the house. That and figuring out exactly which cloud was #9. 
You know what> This is my least favorite part of Ten Facts Tuesday. The post-fact glow, where you and your reader experienced something wonderful together, but now that it's over you feel obligated to say something to acknowledge the special moment you just shared, and so you end up talking, saying something stupid, trying sum up what just happened, trying to make conversation in the increasingly awkward situation because you can't just shut up and let you both bask in the afterglow of the experience.

So I'm not going to do it today. Nope, no awkward post-facts talking this week.

You have been informed.

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