1) The Economic Crisis
This one is easy. As we all learned from the Bush administration following 9/11 and this recent hardship, the answer is always "spend more money." Too much credit got us into this mess. Too much credit will get us out. It works in Paranoia. It worked in that episode of Sliders with the SkyMall. Simply require Americans to spend a percentage, upwards of 80% of our income on frivolous things we don't need (since I pay 20% in taxes right now on average) . This will put more money into the economy, create jobs and jumpstart industry. Saving money is unpatriotic. Plus, it will keep me from getting into trouble with my fiancee when I purchase more board games instead of saving for the wedding.
"But what about my bills?" you may ask. We have all of this credit, right? Too much? Use it, baby! To paraphrase Palin, "Charge, baby, charge!" In abusing all of this credit we have now, credit lenders will realize how foolish they were to give us so much in the first place, thus preventing them from ever making the same mistake in the future. Besides, what's more American than debt? Problem solved.
2a) The War in Iraq
I specifically recall George W. Bush saying this war would be over in months when we started it. I also remember him saying several months later that the war was won. We all know that the Dubya would never lie to us. That means its over, right? Has been for years. This is not a problem. Break out the pina coladas for some celebratory victory drinks.
2b) The War in Afganistan (it is Afganistan, right? Or is it the War on Terror? Or Drugs? Or Obesity? We've declared so many wars recently, it's hard to keep up.)
Ok, we have to do this one one war at a time. If the war is in/on:
- Afganistan: Shoot the bad guys. Everyone knows this is how wars are fought. We must not be shooting enough bad guys if it's still going on. Not winning? Shoot more bad guys. And people think military strategy is hard. Bah!
- Terror: Ban scary movies and books. Let's lock up Steven King and Dean Koontz and ship them off to Guantanimo. We'll get Wes Craven too on attempted terror. And I love you, but sorry, Dad. Looks like you have to go too for telling me those scary stories as a child. Maybe next time we'll learn our lesson and declare war on terrorism instead.
- Drugs: We begin an aggressive new ad campaign. Here's the shot. We're in an airport. A fat, sweaty, unshaved man in tight sweatpants and an REO Speedwagon shirt is standing in line glancing nervously around. A customs agent pulls him out of line. We see him take the man into a back room. Close-up of a latex glove going on the agent's hand. Shot of lube optional. Close up of our drug mule's face cringing in pain during the cavity search. We pull back. Our agent is seen standing behind a pantsless drug mule. He holds a balloon of cocaine. Then we get the following caption: "This is how the drugs you just took entered the country. Any questions?"
- Obesity: We sue fast food places until they can't afford to sell us high fat, high cholesterol, high calorie meals anymore. Since we've shown that we as Americans are incapable of taking personal responsibility, we must instead punish those who enable us to make our own bad decisions.
What we do is we build a big wall with barbed wire and trenches and guard dogs and machine guns along the border. You know, kinda like that one they had in Berlin a few years ago. That'll keep people from wanting to leave a bad situation to move to a land of freedom and opportunity. Anyone industrious enough to get passed that we probably want in our country anyway. They're smarter than the average bear, and should be immediately put to work developing super science gizmos like time-freezing rays and jet packs. If you can build a jet pack for me, I'm all in favor of giving you citizenship.
Tomorrow, we'll tackle the next three items on the list.
You have been informed.