Will the U.S. Government Save Us from Vampires?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we are all fully aware of the horrible economic crisis that's lurking in the shadows and under our beds and in our closets and really just about every where you look these days. I personally am working two jobs and can't even afford an apartment (stupid student loans, but that's a topic for another day). Couple this with the huge mortgage bubble bursting and we're looking at some serious economic hard times. But these hard times have more lasting ramifications that most people anticipate. Let's follow this crisis logically to its conclusion, shall we?

1. The economy is shaky.
2. People stop buying things in worry.
3. Business drops off and people aren't working as much anymore.
4. People make less money and thus have less money to put back into the economy.
   
5. The economy becomes shakier.
6. The price of goods, including groceries, increase.
   
7. People have a hard time paying their mortgages. (~10% of mortgages are delinquent or foreclosed)
   
8. Mortgage companies fail.
9. The economy begins its crumble.
10. People lose jobs.
    
11. People lose their homes as they default on mortgages.
12. Increased homeless population and unemployment rates rise.

That's the direction we're headed. But who's responsible? Some say the federal government for deregulating Wall Street and other businesses, thus allowing the bubble to form in the first place. Others blame the abundance of unsecured credit and the ease of declaring bankruptcy (which has been made more difficult in recent years). Still others blame the ever growing cost of the war in Iraq. I think the truth is far more evil. Who benefits from an increased homeless population? Vampires.

• FACT: Vampires can't enter a person's home without permission. No home, no problem.
• FACT: Vampires are repulsed by garlic. With rising food prices, who can afford garlic?
• FACT: People are selling off their precious metals to pay their bills meaning less silver to fight off, well, werewolves, so maybe that doesn't have to do with vampires, but it does not mean they aren't in league here.
• FACT: Vampires can't cross running water. It's hard to make a makeshift river if you can't pay your water bill (or don't have a hose).
• FACT: Vampires tend to look gaunt and sickly. What better disguise that one of the teeming masses of homeless?

Never fear, however. The federal government is working on a solution. The proposed $700 billion dollar bailout could save the housing marking, preventing the surplus homeless population. But will it be enough?

And now that I think of it, could this have been the vampiric plan all along? After all, buying up the foreclosed homes doesn't mean the government won't kick the financially strapped families out anyway. And if the vampires have gained control of the government, does that not mean that the undead themselves own the houses, thus allowing them to enter at least 10% of all homes in the US without requiring permission, thus giving them access to the same people who would have been homeless, only now the blood is healthier and the feeding more discrete? Well played indeed, vampires. Well played indeed.

America, we must fight this. We must band together and do everything in our power to keep our bills paid. Otherwise the vampires win.

You have been informed.