Sunday, December 7, 2008

An Army of Immortal Worms

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention that a scientist in San Francisco has created super worms. Using genetic manipulation, she was able to increase the lifespan of roundworms from roughly 20 days to over 140 days. That's a 600% increase in longevity. Such a change in humans would bring the average lifespan to approximately 525 years! What's more, says mad scientist of the worm world, "you can beat them up in ways that would kill a normal worm—exposing them to high heat, radiation and infectious microbes—and still they don't die"

Allegedly, this is all being done to help understand how to extend youth in humans to keep us productive longer. I think there's more to it than that, but what depends on whether or not this Doctor Cynthia Kenyon is using her science for good... or evil.

If the good doctor is using her super worms for good, then kudos to her. Perhaps she is trying to use these worms to help improve soil quality in less arable parts of the world. Worm waste, after all, makes pretty good fertilizer. Further, these super worms would be able to be used as bait for fishing with multiple fish, since being hooked by fishers and eaten by fish clearly won't kill these immortal invertebrates. There would be an increase in crop production and the homeless population could obtain food for cheap with only one worm and a fishing pole. As they say, give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime. These worms could be an effort to solve world hunger.

Or they could be up to something... sinister.

If Doctor Kenyon (if that's her real name) can develop super worms like these, she can surely develop a means to control them. An ultrasonic device that tells worms things like "attack," "kill," and "Get me the jewels out of the vault!" This wouldn't be the first time a horde of worms has taken over a town. Couple that with the fact that these are immortal worms and the terror could be endless! Or if not directly attacking the population, perhaps an underground assault is this evil genius's plan. She lives in San Francisco, correct? What if she orders her army of super powered worms to dig down to the bedrock and aggravate the San Andreas Fault, causing an earthquake on par the the deadly 1906 San Francisco quake that nearly wiped the city to the ground?

Time will tell what her true intentions are, but I say, unless you hear about deserts becoming good farmland soon, or that the homeless are getting plenty of omega-3 fatty acids, beware. Especially you, San Francisco.

You have been informed.

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