Zombie Facts

Ladies and Gentlemen, last night in New Orleans I learned quite a few things about zombies. Sure, I've watched zombies from afar, mostly watched through a scope before inserting Bullet A through Forehead B, but I've never worked with zombies up close. And for good reason. Zombies are freakin' dangerous.

Last night, however, I did get up close and personal with the zombies. Here are a few things I've learned.

• First and foremost: If you smudge some dark makeup around the eyes and maybe splash a little fake blood around the mouth, you can totally pass for the undead. Or at least I did. If you get eaten by zombies, I can't help you.
• Zombie Easter Bunnies lay zombie eggs. Awesome awesome zombie eggs.
• Zombie Easter Bunnies tend to outnumber Zombie Santas about five to two.
• Zombies don't have to be slackers. They can have worthwhile professions like police officers and strippers.
• Zombies are really good at air hockey. Really. But they choke up at Point 5, at which point you think maybe you'll make a come from behind victory, but no. The zombie finishes rolling over you after giving you a point or two. Zombies don't want to embarrass you with a close out nine-to-nil victory. Zombies are nice like that. And then they try to eat your brains.

Strange I know, but it's all true. Tonight I lurk among the vampires. Let's see what I can learn there.

You have been informed.