Saturday, January 31, 2009

Preparing for the End and Jealous Birds

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence yesterday. I had to work, and following the news of the Nazi zombie attack on Austin, I felt the need to prepare. Yesterday, I gathered several of my closest friends and ran tactical simulations for defense against zombies, particularly building and holding a tactical perimeter. What I've learned is that cars make pretty good makeshift barricades against zombies. They aren't so good at climbing over things and they can't open the doors to crawl through. I also learned that it doesn't matter how cool you are or how useful you may be as a defensive sniper, jumping from rooftop to rooftop is very bad idea. In other words, if you must snipe from the rooftops, find a good roof and stay on it. You are not an action hero. You will fall and knock yourself unconscious and be eaten by zombies. You're going to want to stage your cars early, for quick and easy access. Bring a couple extras just in case. It's no good making a barricade of cars of you have a two foot gap. Yes, it will bottleneck them, but still, it's only a matter of time before your gun jams, and then the zombies will start pouring through. If it's a big area, you're going to want at least 15 people, ten to move cars and other barricade materials, and at least five people to defend them.

I also helped bake a tasty cake yesterday.

I would also like to share with you an important fact. Birds hate airplanes. How often in the news lately have we seen planes crash or planes grounded because of birds? (aside from the Hudson River landing, because we know what that was really about.) The fact of the matter is that birds are jealous. They don't have a monopoly on air travel anymore and it's driving them nuts. So crazy, in fact, that many are committing suicide by flying into airplane windows and jet intakes just to take man out of the sky. Driven by the kamikaze spirit, these birds will do anything to keep their sky kingdom free of human invaders. I must assume that this recent rash of anti-human activity stems from some regime change. The previous, more peaceful ruler of the birds must have died and was replaced by a more radical and militant monarch. I say, those of you who have birds as pets, find out what they know. Get them talking. I hear it's easiest with parrots.

You have been informed.

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