Ladies and Gentlemen, I have made a shocking discovery. We all fear the inevitable zombie outbreak and the end of our world. I'm sure all of you dedicated readers ready yourselves daily for the coming undead apocalypse. However, today, I have learned that the zombie plague will almost certainly not come in the ways we've always expected. There will be no radioactive meteor. There will be no flesh-eating ecstasy. There will be no cosmetics gone awry, desecrated burial grounds, or books of arcane secrets. No, the zombie apocalypse will come not with a bang, but with a whimper. Or rather, with a yawn. I suspect the makers of Benadryl are secretly attempting to create the zombie virus and release it on the world's populace in an easy to swallow, over the counter format.
My proof? Last night, I took a Benadryl. Despite getting nine hours of sleep, I woke feeling like a corpse risen from the dead. I shambled. I couldn't think. I had a strong urge to bring bloody violence on every stupid guest and to tear my over-demanding boss limb from limb. I was hungry. Very very hungry. Co-workers commented that I looked dead. All signs point to zombie virus. Granted, their virus clearly is not as strong as they would like, I'm sure. At least, it isn't strong enough yet. But soon, I fear, perhaps during cold and allergy season in the near future, the outbreak will come as more and more people turn to the zombifying Benadryl. Consider yourself warned.
You have been informed.