Amazing Discoveries!

Ladies and Gentlemen, researchers have come across one of the most Earth-shattering discoveries ever unearthed by science. As it turns out, people who experience a fear of flying actually become more afraid after being bombarded by news articles about plane crashes. I thought for sure those who feared plane crashes would simply see these articles and come to accept that dying in a plane crash was an inevitable part of life and would thus lose all fear and climb aboard the next 747 to land in their area. And it's on CNN too, so you know it must be true. I never would have believed it otherwise. Further more, they say to overcome these fears when on an airplane, the trick is to breathe slowly, think peaceful thoughts, and remain calm. Is there no limit to what science can discover> Next thing you know, they'll discover that getting shot increases your anxiety around guns or that ghost stories will make it harder for children to sleep at night. Will wonders never cease>

In other news, scientists have discovered a means for viewing mummies still in their sarcophagi. It's amazing what they can do with CT scanners these days, but why is CNN missing the big story> According to one researcher he could "recognize this individual if (he) saw her in life." It's a heck of an image, I'll give them that, but she (the mummy) looks like one of any number of mummies I've seen. And yet, this man recognizes her. Sure, we would all recognize her if we saw her walking around these days. She'd be the only walking corpse about (until the zombie plague, at least). Still, he said he would recognize her in life. From that picture, that would be quite some feat. Unless of course, the researcher himself is 3,000 years old. He did, after all, know that she was a multi-tasking hardworking woman, a singer even. How could he know that unless he was there> Was she buried with her resume in hopes of obtaining a better job in the afterlife> That may explain how he knew what job she did, but how did he know she was hard-working> Everyone knows a resume is designed to make you look like you work harder than you actually do. For this man to know she was hard-working and industrious unless he knew her personally> The most startling part about this whole news report is that they left out the part about the 3,000 year old scientist. Oh, CNN. You managed to catch the Earth shattering, reason defying discovery about reports of plane crashes scaring those afraid to fly, but you missed the obvious story about a man three millennia old> You're slacking, CNN. I expect more from you in the future.

You have been informed.