Yes, Definitely a Witch

Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize for my absence (I do that so often). My girlfriend's witchiness has once again caused technology in her presence to go kaputt. In the past 2 days, I've restored her operating system five times and reformatted her hard drive twice (and reinstalling various programs accordingly). Her computer wasn't even hooked up to the internet. No viruses. No spyware. It just kept acting up. Clearly, she possesses magical abilities. Which, I suppose, explains why her pastries paste so darn good. The secret ingredient isn't love, oh no. It's the dark arts. Arts as dark as the chocolate in her cupcakes. 

The other reason for my absence is the increasingly frustrating work. I suspect that the higher one goes up in any employment hierarchy, the more of one's soul and-or mind it takes. A conspiracy is clearly afoot, because this happens at every job I've worked. The hierarchy is built around a machine, which is capable of surgically extracting portions of the victi-patient's soul or brain direction proportionate to the amount of authority they have. Thus, the more authority one is granted, the more soul or mind is removed. Promotion is met with operation. This clearly explains why the higher up the food chain you go, the dumber and more evil leadership becomes. That's the what, when, and how. The who, I'm guessing, is either the Illuminati or the forces of Evil. The only thing I have yet to determine (other than where they store this machine), is the where. Where do they keep it> That and, when you're promoted, do you have to choose one track, soul or mind, and then stick with it the whole way, or do you get to choose with each promotion, what you give up> 

You have been informed.